EDWARD’S CHRISTMAS ROAST

 

 

Edward sat at the head of the table and looked around at the assembled guests. To his right was his partner Romel.

“What can I say about my beloved partner of fifteen beautiful years? He’s a dedicated nurse and I know how good he is because he regularly gives me a through internal examination with is instrument.”

“Now Craig is also a nurse, but of course I can’t testify to his professional abilities in the ward. He can, however, give a very close shave... while on his knees. I would also recommend his cooking. For example,... his balls with leave you gagging... for more of his meatballs, of course. Then for dessert, you don’t want to miss his strawberry surprise with two types of cream.

Justin is a man of many talents, all of them to do with sex. Oh, he claims to be a waiter, we all know that, but when he serves drinks he gives a whole new meaning to cocktails. His grapes you can pick yourself and... what’s those things served on a stick? Oh I know... kebabs. You haven’t tasted anything so tender, until you’ve had Justin’s stick of meat.

Tristan, the dancer, so good he could dance his way into any man’s heart. But alas he has yet to bring anyone to this table. What is it Tristan, too many to choose from, too fussy; we’re certainly not here, we accept anyone here. Just look around the table at this motley bunch. However, when I ask him the question he just dances around the subject. Maybe he’s just, not in the mood.

Raj, now here’s a spicy number amongst us. A little like Tristan, in that he has yet to swell our numbers here. But I know he was a swelling for another amongst us although unsuccessful in currying favour with him.

Edward then stood and explained “My mum taught me to always stand for your elders, but god knows, there’s not many older than me, except our newest guests.”

“Max, I have only known for a short time but in that time his work has literally been music to my ears. For those that may not know, Max is the host of the program Max’s Music Room. I can only describe Max as a classic himself.

“Now Charles I also met recently at the radio station, but he hasn’t always been a radio producer. No, not at all, Charles has had a few jobs in his time. He started his career as a banker, then a computer analyst, a linen salesman, a fried chicken cook, a pizza maker, a cinema manager, a paymaster, a field support officer, a paint shop owner, a statistics  collector, youth support officer, electoral polling officer, a video shop owner, a museum accounting officer, a social club manager, a travel company accountant, a cafe cook, a corner store owner, newsagent, farmstay host, writer...” Then Edward let the paper he was reading from, partly drop and unfold until it reached the floor. “Oh fuck it, that’s enough about Charles.”

Edward sat down, then Charles stood up, raised his class and said “I would like to propose a toast to our gracious and entertaining host. Or should that be roast? I have only known Edward for a short time, but in that time I have grown to love him and sometimes not, often in the same day. But I’ve done my research and found out some of his past. He was once known on the gay mile as Ed-Weiner, the drag queen with a tongue sharp enough to cut lesbians into very tiny pieces. His day job is with Telstra, you know them, the company that’s fucked more people than anyone else in this nation.

Edward then raised his glass and proposed “Happy times to everyone here. I love you all.”

A SPECIAL BLESSING

The four were sitting on the grass at Fair Day, when Justin said “Hey look over there guys, there’s a group of nuns. I don’t think this is the right place for them to be. They must have wandered into the park by mistake.” said Justin.

Edward looked towards the nuns, then said to Justin “Oh they’re the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. They come every year to bless the fair. Why don’t you go up and ask for a personal blessing.”

“I couldn’t do that, they might be offended by me just wearing shorts.”

“No, not at all, I’m sure they’ll love you all the more for it.”

“What?”

“What I really mean is they will be flattered by you asking them for a blessing. That’s why they come.”

“Ok, if you’re sure it’s all right.”

As Justin went off to see the nuns, Craig said to Edward “You shouldn’t tease him so. He has no idea who they are.”

“I know, isn’t it delicious.”

Then Romel added “Craig’s right, this could be embarrassing.”

“I certainly hope so.” replied Edward. “Anyway, what’s the worst that can happen? The nuns will get a bit of a thrill, Justin will feel good from their blessing and we’ll get a hell of a laugh when we explain it to him.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Romel “He’s down on his knees.”

“They must really like him. That’s their special blessing position.”

One of the nuns was giving Justin her blessing by anointing him with lube and giving him her special sign of the cross.

“Bless you my Son, In the name of the father.” as she touched his forehead. “In the name of The Son.” as she leaned over and touched his bulge. “And in the name of the Holy Ghost.” as she touched each nipple.

“Now go in peace my son, and make your man happy.”

“Thank you Sister.”

Justin said goodbye to the nuns and returned to his friends, with a big smile.

“Well, you got the sacred treatment my boy.” said Edward

“Yes, they were very kind. Not like the nuns I remember from school.”

“This order is known for their kindness, especially to good looking young men.”

“But...Edward....I’m not sure they are real nuns.”

“Really sweetie, what gave you that idea? Was it the deep voices, the five o’clock shadow or the glitter on their crucifixes?”

“No, it was when Sister Fornicatia asked me if I wanted the blessing of the Blessed Vaginal Mary, or the special Australian blessing of the Teflon coated Pell. Do you think she meant bell?”

“No Sweetie, she definitely meant Pell... of the Cardinal variety.”