Dear Luc,

I guess today is going to be an emotion filled day for me... so I might as well start here... with you. I know we don't know each other very well, and I hope to change that, but what I do know amazes me and I can't wait to know more... You said... if there was any sense of balance or poetic justice in the world hopefully you won't wake up... but I think... if there is any sense of balance and poetic justice in the world... Sam's dad will wake up in the morning and appreciate all that he has and his opportunity to make the most of it while he can, before it's gone for him too.

Like you, I've lost a lot of important people in my life, the only difference being that were people I loved, not in love with... my mentors, my guides, my teachers, my parents... but this isn't about me. No, it's about you. I am slowly learning that you can't fix everything, save everyone, you can't make someone be rational or see things as they should. This revelation is difficult for me because emotionally, I NEED to fix everyone and make them feel better, so not being able to do that makes me feel helpless... begin vicous cycle here.

Point is... I know what it's like to worry about someone you love for the reasons you're worried, and have them so far away you can't even hug them, I know what it's like to lose someone you love over and over again, I know what it's like to feel alone and the people who can fix that... just can't anymore because they only exist in your heart... so you go there looking for them and comfort.. and no that doesn't make you self destructive... it makes you real and embracing your feelings... not in denial that everything is just fine and you didn't need them anyway...

People aren't supposed to be unfeeling, cold, destructive beings... that's what separates us from animals or savages if you prefer... the ability to let love and emotion help guide your way and teach you what is important and so long as you learned something from the situation with your friend Kyle, good or bad, you will always have him in your heart to remind you, that is a gift.

Now about a friend who I want to hug but is too far away... I guess this will have to do as inaffectual as it is and unfuflfilling. I think I've said this before, and I know it's not your style... but you know where I am if you ever want to talk or just hug and snuggle.

Viv

Hey Luc,

I think Viv said it all far better than I can, but for what's it's worth I agree and wish you the very best too. Take care and try to feel better

Kevin

You have told me to not reply to your emails so I wont and I wont have jay email you after my surgery either like you asked. I guess you are self destructive but i wont fight to make someone want me around, you either want me here or you don't and you have made it clear you don't. Usually i would fight being pushed away but i cannot do it.

You weren't kidding about being a DQ Luc

*sorry, my attempt at humor during a troubled time for many*

Vic

Just for the record, this wasn

 

You weren't kidding about being a DQ Luc

 

*sorry, my attempt at humor during a troubled time for many*

 

Vic

No, I wasn't. But don't worry, I won't post again.

Lucas,

I do not really know you. All that i do know if you is whats in your blogs in the other site. I am not here to judge you in any way. Just to provide you with words. I do not care how you take my words, although i may say that i really want you to look into them. I am not here to anger you or make you feel more gulity or anything. When i read what you said I would have acted the same way once upon a time. You have to understand the diffrent feeling people have. Maybe Mark did (Although I just speulating since im not him) want you push him away, maybe he did not want to drag you in the turmiol (sp?) he will be going through after his surgery. You did what you thought was right. But Lucas sometimes you have to fight those basic instincts that make you choose an easier way, although the path choosen does not seem simpler.

Luc i do not claim to know what you or Mark feel for each other. But i do know right now both of you need each other, yes you may have us as spare words, but right now you have to take care of each other. You do not need to be hiding away in dark corners, beacause let me tell you sometime you think they are your friends but they are not. They are just a way to escape pain both physical and emotional. Even i can sometimes retreat into these sahdows as you saw me a few weeks ago with after my break down. But a good friend freind help me see that i shouldnt close myself away.

Thats what i am now, A friend offering you a hand and telling you to get out of that bed and do something.

Jules

PS: Oh and if you just choose to go the easy way. I'll find a way of finding you, rip you out of that bed and set you on a one way trip to wear Mark is.

Luc-

Anniversaries suck. They remind you of loss and reopen old wounds.

I have the same problem every February 22nd. The love of my life died that day in 1996.

Every year it rolls around, every year it stings a little less- but it still stings.

It was 10 years ago this past February. This year was worse than most because- well hell, it has been 10 years. I feel like I should be over it but I'm not because I'm weak or a dumb ass or something.

No- the scars don't go away. Every year they pop out like an unwelcome visitor and torment us for a while until we figure out how to put them back into the little box we keep them in.

I don't have an answer for you. I don't have a magic formula to make it any better. Just know that you aren't alone.

There are dates on my calender too that make me cringe every time they come up.

JS