I say you dump the bastard and live with your parents again! (ducks and hides from Val's angry side) But you already knew that I would say that... and just go downstairs and hit the power button on the DVD player... if he's sleeping I'm sure he wouldn't mind!

 

Oh and how can someone with blue hair be negative? I've never met someone with an odd color hair that wasnt... weird. But they aren't negative!

Can you share costs/be roomates without being gf/bf? You realize, Val, that if you are only staying with him because he pays bills, that you're sleeping with him for $? I mean, I'm not trying to get on your blog and call you a whore...I'm hoping you get some clarity in this relationship.

 

Maybe you and Vic should date instead?

Technically a whore has to sleep with him... Val isn't doing that. So I'd call them more of friends that share a bedroom but don't have sex because they have no door....

Val, I keep getting drawn back to this entry. I think I've read it a half dozen times since 4 AM. This one statement jumps out - "So I'm not happy and you do nothing about it."

 

Is your boyfriend the reason you're not happy? If so, this is something you have to fix as you have control over your own life. If not, why is it his job to fix it for you?

 

A large part of your post mimics my life only from the reverse. I'm in the boyfriends shoes. Well... if I were wearing shoe....you get the picture. I live with someone who is never happy and thinks it's my job to fix this for him. I tried, I really did. I spent a lot of time on this. So much, that by the time I realized he was just basically an unhappy person and nothing I did or said was going to change that, I had invested 15 years into the relationship and had two small kids. I realized that by trying to keep him happy, I was making myself miserible. So I stopped worrying about it. Everyone should be responsible for their own happy. The other people in your life can enhance that but they shouldn't be the sole provider.

 

Just a point of view from the flip side of the coin. I don't really expect any answers to the questions because that's personal.

 

Sharon

One other thought:

we fight constantly, over just about everything, and tonight's was really stupid.

Has "constantly" been going on for more than a few months? If so, it's highly likely that this has become a habitual mode of interaction for the two of you. Our nervous systems respond to repeated activity by making alterations that facilitate the activity, making it easier, faster, & more automatic. "Practice makes perfect" is a very general phenomenon. This becomes an issue in itself, in addition to or even supplanting whatever the underlying issues are or were that caused you two to start interacting negatively in the first place. It is something to be mindful of.

 

I watched my parents go through an incredibly bitter period when they fought constantly, over just about anything, for years. Eventually, the anger burned out, but by that time no other mode of interaction was natural for them. Things are no longer actively hostile, but even years later they are still not positive. They coexist in the same house like ships passing in the night.

 

If you have any interest in saving this relationship, you & he have to break the bad habits now and actively work on replacing them with better ones.

Hell, it can't be much more personal than what I've said already. I think there are a lot of reasons why I'm not happy. External things, mostly. It's too complicated to explain briefly, but I guess the point isn't exactly that he makes me unhappy, but that whenever I try to rise above the negativity, he's always there to piss me off. I don't think it's his job to fix it, I just think it'd be nice if he didn't hamper my efforts, or god forbid tried to help out a little. He doesn't act like he cares (and I was careful to say it that way, because he insists that he does care) how I feel or if I'm trying or not, he just gets pissy if I'm in a bad mood around him. The fact that I've done a lot recently to try and make my life better doesn't seem to mean anything.

 

And "constantly" has been a few years now, although it's never been quite this bad. It is true that every time one of us opens our mouth, the other assumes something nasty is going to come out, which obviously starts a lot of unncessary fights.

Val,

 

I am not a therapist...but maybe a therapist (individual and then couples therapy) can help.

 

Also, as Sharon said, maybe you and your BF can do a little role reversal. You be him in an argument and he you and see what develops...Maybe you will start to laugh or maybe it will enlighten you.

 

I have learned (and it took years) that no one can make me happy but me. I have also learned that someone else's issues are their issues and that no one can make me feel one or another (the feelings are up to me and it is me reacting to what someone says or does that causes me to hit certain buttons in myself or react to them)

 

There are solutions to these things. Indeed, including, a plan of action (that may take time, including, if things will not work out for the two of you, then you planning for altermative housing or one of you goes and finds room mates or you both decide you can be room mates or one of you leaves and the other stays)

 

I am betting that you close single friends or those that are couples that can help you with housing. You are resourceful.

 

The issues first, IMHO, to look at are your issues first...(that may take time and well, it takes a life time) and then go from a list to action and not reaction. If therapy is what you need, then pursue that (there may be all sorts of things to work on..co dependency, family issues (often intertwined), one's upbringing, etc....I had all those...still do...part of the daily struggle etc. but there are solutions. Indeed, it took me a few years to learn new skills (yeah learn them) so as to deal with day to day issues due to lots of bad habits based in codependency etc.)

 

Then, if you feel, your BF are worth the effort, then talk to him too...maybe he needs therapy or a discussion with you about what his personal issues are, what he has with you etc..and you do the same with him...if you can't talk...write lists...share them...stuff like that.

 

But then again, I am not a therapist...so just me look at your post for a few times(I had to keep coming back and say "hmmm" (sorry, Jules, its an expression that fits here) and wondering, if my post reply can help you.

 

I hope it does....but as Sharon wisely said, you can't fix your BF..only he can do that....and I feel its far more productive to work on your stuff, where you know you can succeed and become a content human being...You have the power to do that...and I am sure you love yourself enough so that you wish to do that...you are worthy of that (another thing that took me a long time to believe in myself)

 

So, I say, you go Girl and take care of yourself..the rest will fall in place over time...

 

Rainbow Hugs and Lots of Love sent your way:)

 

Michael