Oh yes… another one of my ranting blogs. But this time it isn’t so much of a rant, as it is a realization. Ok, it is a rant at first, and I sound really needy, whiney, and bitchy, but so be it. I’m a little sleep deprived right now so it may not all flow together or be coherent, but that’s just another reason you should stop reading right now This could take a while, and will most likely be really long. I pity the fool who may actual waste part of his/her life reading this whole thing.

To save space, and time, I’m not going to repeat everything about college that I was going to say. I said most of it in a previous blog with another rant. So if you didn’t read that, then you probably aren’t going to read this. And if you did read that, and you’re still confused, then you’re SOL because I don’t really care right now.

Alright. I had my plans for college basically all lined out. I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go, and everything was going fine and dandy. I filed for early decision, and sent in my application and fee no problem. The school sent the transcript and my SAT scores over, and everything was going smoothly. But no. It can’t go right. That’s not how my life works. It doesn’t just work out perfectly for once. Oh no, I had to be tossed another curve ball.

Monday before school, I went downstairs, and was about to head out the door when my mom started talking to me. No problem, I still had time. About a minute into the normal chit-chat crap, she randomly brings up my college stuff. She flat out tells me that there’s basically no way I’m going to RIT. We can’t afford it. Well, I wouldn’t have been upset with that revelation, and I would have understood, had she told me no 6 months ago when I found the school. She knew the price then, and said I should apply and send all my stuff to them and there was a chance that I could go.

Being the moron that I am, I of course got really excited about the prospect of going to RIT. It’s an awesome school, it’s away from the parents and basically everyone I know, and it was in an area that I liked. But no. That stopped dead Monday morning. And then, to make it even worse, not only did she crush my school of choice, but she also said that there was a good chance that I was going to go to Northwood University in Texas like my sister. Oh what a joy! She had already talked with the admissions people, and they were really interested in me.

In fact, she told me that when she talked with them about my looking into a Network Security degree, they basically said that was a stupid decision to make. That it would narrow down my field a lot. Well duh! Network Security isn’t really a small field. It takes a lot of classes and knowledge to do it, and the job outlook for it is fantastic. But Northwood said that getting an MIS degree would be better, so I don’t limit my job choices as much. While that may be true, it’s also a lot easier to get an MIS which makes the job competition a lot tougher. A lot more people apply for the same job. But fine. I let that go and didn’t argue with her on it because it would be pointless.

She also told me that she talked with my sister about it, and they think it would be best for me to live on campus in the Dorms for the first semester, and then move in with my brother and sister after that. That way I can make more friends, meet new people, and figure out all the joys of campus life. That may be all fine and dandy and a good plan, but where the hell do I come in? I hadn’t even considered NU as a serious option before, and now my mom and sister have it all planned out for me. I guess that makes it a lot easier on me.

Let me get one thing clear though. My mom isn’t all that bad. I’m making it sound worse than it really was. I could tell that she was genuinely sorry for me not being able to go to RIT, but we just couldn’t afford it. I understand that, and know it’s an expensive school.

Now that I’ve had two days to let it sink in, I started thinking about actually just going with it, and going to Northwood. As much as it pains me to say it, I really do miss Texas sometimes. I lost a lot of things when we moved to Missouri. Some good things, some bad things.

When I lived in Texas, life was a lot more… simple to say the least. I had close friends, I had a decent (meh) job, and I had a life. I would go out, and enjoy the time I didn’t spend at work or school. I hung out with people a lot outside of school, and didn’t really worry about things too much. I miss that part of Texas. I miss the friendships I left behind and the life I used to have. I don’t have that here.

In Missouri though, a lot of good changes happened. I’m out to more than a few people, I’ve had a relationship with a guy, I’m no longer a virgin, my mother knows about me (though I’m not so sure that’s necessarily a good thing), and I feel more free to be myself. I don’t care as much about what other people think about me. I’m not so deep in the closet that I feel the need to date a girl I’m not even interested in, just to keep my straight appearance up.

What worries me though is if I can go back to Texas. Northwood is close enough to my old city that I can still hang out with my old friends. I could possibly get my old job back (not that I really want it), and hopefully the close friendships will return. But will I still be able to be myself? I know some of my old friends weren’t too keen on the idea of gay people. I don’t think they would have stopped being my friends, but it wouldn’t be the same. They tell a lot of gay jokes, and use the term in a derogatory manner a lot. Now while that doesn’t really offend me too much, as I can take a joke fairly easily, I don’t think they would feel comfortable telling those jokes around me. Which would make it awkward, and we probably wouldn’t hang out as often as before.

It really is a shitty situation to think about. I know on the one hand, people are going to say, “Well, if they can’t accept you for who you are, then they aren’t really your friends.” But I don’t really agree with that statement. They didn’t become friends with me. I was living a lie, and hiding who I really was for years. It’s hard for some to accept such a drastic change from someone they thought they knew. I don’t necessarily blame them for possibly rethinking our friendship. Maybe not based on the fact that I’m bi, but the fact that I could lie to them so easily for however long I knew them.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m going back to Texas to visit in just over a week. I plan on staying for 3 or 4 days, and then coming back to Missouri to finish out my school year. I already made plans with a bunch of old friends and plan on having a good time with them. I think ultimately, that’s going to be my decision maker right there. If I miss Texas enough, that I think I can still be myself, while still keeping the close friends I have, then Northwood isn’t such a bad option. In 4 years, I’ll be out of college with two degrees (dual major), most likely debt-free, and I’d still be far enough away from the parents, that I wouldn’t have to deal with them so much.

I’m not really looking for advice on what to do, because I want this to be my decision, but I felt the need to get all that out. I think it helped writing it all out and thinking it through rather than just calling Jeff and whining to him like I usually do.

But, I give up on this now. I don’t even write papers this long for class, much less a blog. I think this may be a new record length blog post. If anyone read through all that, I bow down to you. I will admit that even I won’t go back and read through this damn thing.

Peace and love to those who deserve it. To hell with those who don’t (myself included).

Joe

(Who thinks it’s time for bed now)

P.S. Just for the record... this was over 1500 words. See what I mean about needed a life?

P.P.S. I hate November. It's only been 7 days into it, but it already sucks for various reasons. And none of the sucking is in a good way either.