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Strange Magic


NickolasJames8

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I really don't know where to begin on this entry. I have something I want to say, but I really don't have any idea HOW to say what's on my mind. Ironically, that's kinda what this entry's about. Expressing myself.

 

I got a really nice PM this morning from someone who read my tagline and got worried. Not the one that says, Check out my new story, If by Chance!! No, the one that said, How Will I Die?

 

I guess that the first line in my signature also worried him. No, not the one that says Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwick. The one that said, No one seems to care about my welfare. It's like my life's already ending.

 

For the record, I've never, ever contemplated suicide. I think that there's always a reason to lift my head from my pillow each day, even when it feels like God is putting me through drama. I know it's only to make me a better Christian and that he's using me for His will.

 

So what was up with the sig and the tag line?

 

Not much, really. I was just looking for a way to express my angst, I think. I almost always use lyrics or quotes in my signature, and last time was no different. I was listening to a CD, and maybe I should have left it alone, because it really started to affect my mood. I was getting depressed, and with what Taylor and I have been going through, it was easy for me to get stuck in a mode and drive around with a dark cloud over me.

 

So I took the CD out today and was looking for something else to listen to, then I decided to raid my parents' CD collection. I found a CD that must be like 30 years old (literally) and put it in by a group called ELO. Anyway, I found a song called Strange Magic and I really really like it a lot. It's making me think about my life and what I'm doing now and the way things were a long time ago and how they arent that way anymore.

 

I barely even talk to my dad anymore and me and Taylor are kinda on again/off again boyfriends. I've thought about seeing someone else but we tried that before and it was hell for both of us. I don't want us to be broken up but right now it's like I don't even know him anymore. All he wants to do is smoke pot and get f**ked up and I hate it. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not perfect, but I'm not spending my life that way.

 

Plus, he's really pissed at me because he says I sicked all of our friends and my dad on him about dropping out of school. I mean, he still can't get over it, as if I was supposed to just respect what he wanted to do. IF it were a decision like quitting football or something, I wouldn't have said a word. But this is way too important, and I don't care if he thinks I'm being a bitch.

 

I don't know if things are ever going to be right between my dad and I. Between the two of us, we seem to have a lot of stored up anger and all we can do is say hurtful thigns to each other. He tells me how rude I am that I don't care about anyone but myself, and he threatens to ground me for not cutting my hair, which seems silly, but for some reason, it hurts coming from my dad.

 

Probably because I know that it isn't about my hair or even about me being "rude." I think it's more or less related to the fact that I work and make sure he gets 220 dollars a month from me for my car payment and my insurance. I really get mad about him doing everything for my cousin and nothing for me. I mean, if he wants me to pay for my own car, I don't mind. I'd rather do that than see him have a lot of bills to pay all by himself. But he should make my cousin do the same thing. That's all I'm pissed about. It's like we're not equal in his eyes.

 

So, I think it's related to that, but I get the feeling that it might be something else. Maybe it's because I'm gay. I've never asked him because I'm terrified of what he'll say. He was my rock when I came out of the closet, and I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there to hold my hand through it all. But there's a little piece of me that worries about him having second thoughts. I think my heart would stop beathing if I ever found out that the reason he's gotten so distant from me is because he finally realizes that I really am gay, and that no matter what, nothing's going to change about that.

4 Comments


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Hey Nick,

 

Wow, I'm not sure what to say :(

 

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better and take away all the pain and doubt...but I guess that's something that has to be worked out between you and your dad and you and Taylor.

 

I'm really sorry though and I most definitely want to offer you all the luck and support that I can :hug:

 

You know how to find me if you ever want to talk

Take care

Kevin :hug:

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Good for you for not letting the world get you down. :D

 

As far as your dad goes, well, from a dad's POV my guess is he's just going through that age old dad disease of watching his offspring getting ready to go out the door. Pretty soon you're going to be on your own. He doesn't know what to do about it except say the wrong thing which you react to negatively, which you're supposed to do because you're his son.

 

My suggestion is pick a moment when you're alone with him, when all is calm and all negative thoughts are at bay, and simply say something like, "Dad I want you to know I love you and whatever happens between us I want you to know that I care for you."

 

And, just leave it at that.

 

My guess is he won't change that much, but when he does open his mouth and something negative comes out, try not to take it too personal because he's just doing his job. And, unfortunately, it's often a thankless job.

 

Take care,

 

Carl :boy:

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I agree with Carl's suggestion. It will have some kind of impact on the two of you.

 

I hate say this 'cos I know it will hurt, but maybe you should give Taylor some time and space to think things thru. He could be under a lot of stress right now with all the pressure everyone is putting on him. That same pressure can't be good for your relationship either. You two have been together for a lot of years.

 

I think those of us that know you, know that you put up some 'off the wall' things in your signature and not think too much of it. Like Kevin, you know where to find me if you need to talk.

 

You know I'd be there to give you a :hug: if we lived closer together.

 

Jan

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Nick, I'd be a little more direct with your dad. Let him know that you sense his anger goes beyond you being rude and such. Tell him briefly what you're feeling around it (like you're anxious and fearful) and just ask if there something else going on that he wants to talk about.

 

Your feelings around his possible "separation anxiety" could well be the case. This is a perfectly normal response from parents. If it's around you being gay, it is more likely he's anxious about not being able to protect you once you're out there on your own.

 

Your dad might not even understand why he's angry and taking it out on you. Men are notoriously lousy at identifying their own feelings. So you might have to throw a few ideas at him....if only to get them off your list.

 

Conner

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