Stages of Coming Out..

[BeaStKid]

I read this somewhere and thought it might be a good topic for discussion....

 

Here are all the stages what happens with the parents and friends when someone wants to come out......... ........

 

First Stage: Denial

 

This first stage happens immediately. People can express themselves as "shocked." "I had no idea..." "This can't be."

 

Yourself: "I'm not really gay." "I don't dislike girls." "I've never been with a guy." "I don't think I'm gay.""I will feel straight if I have sex with a girl.""I've never had sex with a guy, therefore, I'm not technically gay."

Parents: "No you're not." "No one in the family is gay, and you're not either." "You don't act gay." "You don't know what you're feeling." "Have sex with a girl and you won't feel that way anymore." "You're confused." "You need therapy."

Wife: "You're not the man I married." "You're stressed/tired/ angry." "You're in mid-life crisis." "You're too manly to be gay." "Let's get therapy; I know you're not gay." "You have sex with me, thus, you're not really gay."

 

Second Stage: Anger

 

The second stage is a downer for those coming out. Once the trauma of coming out is over, and you think the coast is clear, the parent/wife enters the anger stage. How much anger, when they enter, and when they get over this stage is dependent of many factors.

 

Yourself: "I hate myself." "I hate being gay." "I hate gays." "Why the f**K me?" "What did I do to deserve these feelings?" "Jesus! Why can't I love her?" "I want to be like X!!!" "I'm such a loser."

 

Wife: "Why did you marry me?" "You lied to me!" "Why did you fool me?" "What did I do to deserve this!?" "You'll pay for this, mister!" "So, are you sleeping with X,Y, and Z?" "Who else knows?! Am I the laughing stock of town?" "You asshole." "f**K you--oh no, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Couldn't you have figured this out before NOW?"

 

Parents: "You're not sleeping with X are you?" "Don't you know there are dangerous diseases out there?" "Can't you just be normal?" "For God's sake, don't tell anyone else!" "Why did you tell me that?" "Don't come crying to me when you're life gets screwed up!" "Why didn't you tell me this before?" "Didn't you trust me until now?" "Would you have EVER told me this? (if outed)"

 

Stage 3: Bargaining

 

Bargaining is usually a welcomed respite from the Anger Stage. But, it can be equally annoying.

 

Self: "I bet if I have sex with a girl, I'll find out I'm hetero." "Maybe I can get married, and have a f**K-buddy on the side that no one knows about but me. What would be the harm in that?" "If I don't tell anyone, then it's not really real." "God, if I promise to be good, will you make me straight?" "God, please make me straight. I'll do anything." "I bet if I lose weight and tone up, I'll be more attractive to girls and then I won't like guys." "I bet this will pass when I'm 20, no 30, maybe when I'm 40?"

 

Parents: "Let me set you up with X. If you only had a girlfriend, you'd forget about guys." "God, I'll do anything if you make him straight." "I"ll buy you a car if you don't date boys." "Maybe we were too strict. If we relax our rules, will it make you feel more comfortable and feel like dating girls?" "I bet if you had more confidence in yourself, you'd feel more comfortable with girls. I'll set you up with a counselor/prostitut e/assertiveness training class."

 

Wife: "I"ll forgive you if you don't divorce me." "You can have your discrete fun on the side as long as it's safe and you don't leave me." "Look, honey, I bought this new lingerie. Isn't it sexy?" "If I lost weight/had a face lift/tummy tuck would you find me sexy again?" "Dear God, get him through this midlife crisis. I'll do anything." "We can have separate bedrooms and separate lives, just don't leave me alone."

 

Stage Four: Depression

 

This stage occurs when the preceding stages did not alleviate the grief, and the loss is not yet accepted. It is the brain's last-ditch attempt at not accepting the truth.

 

Self: "I'm screwed." "I hate myself." "I'm not good at anything. I can't even make a baby." "Why am I here? What's the purpose of my life?" "My future is empty and hopeless." "I can't compete in the cut-throat gay world, I'm just not up for it." "I've ruined everyone's life around me, including my own." "I know I am going to burn in hell." "I want to die."

 

Parents: "He's hell-bent on being gay. I'm helpless." "I guess if he wants to ruin his life and make me miserable, he's going to." "I give up." "I am so sad that I can not make him straight or be interested in girls." "I don't know what else I can say or do." "Why did I have children? Such heartache." "I can't imagine a future without grandchildren. What's the point of living?" "I thought I did better than that. Where did I go wrong?"

 

Wife: "My life is over." "I will never love again." "I will never trust again." "How on earth will I cope?" "My future is empty." "I now feel nothing--for anyone." "I want to die."

 

Stage Five: Acceptance

 

At long last, we reach the final stage of acceptance. If achieved, depression lifts and anger subsides. This doesn't mean that we forget the sadness and anger, it means we don't feel it anymore.

 

Self: "I'm gay." "I'm gay, and that's fine. Now what?" "I'm proud of who I am and the person I've become." "It's alright not to marry and have kids. I can contribute to society anyway--in other ways." "I am more than gay. My sexuality does not define me. I am 3-dimensional and have interests." "It's time to find a boyfriend." "It's time to get on with life."

 

Parent: "OK, he's gay. I hope he finds someone who makes him happy,." "Have you found a boyfriend yet?" "How are you doing--really? " "I love you." "Be sure to tell X [boyfriend] hi for me." "I want you and X to come for dinner." "Tell me all about him." "I'm so proud of you." "I'm so happy for you." "You know what? His being gay isn't that bad. It's not like he's a murderer or dying or anything. Now, THAT would be tragic."

 

Wife: "He's gay, but he's still a good person/father. " "I need to let go." "I need to have a life." "Life goes on." "It's OK, we'll get through this together." "This is not a reflection on me--this is his issue." "That's the way he is; he needs to be happy." "I wish he'd figured this out before we got married, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way." "OK, my husband is gay. That's a reality. Now, what do I do?"

 

One thing to remember--or recognize--is that frequently we come out to others when we have gotten to

 

Stage 5: Acceptance, ourselves. And, sometimes this has taken us years to do. Thus, we can't be impatient with those closest to us who just found out. It would be great if we could rush them through to the Acceptance stage, but we can't. The best we can do is anticipate these phases and help them adjust to this information, just like we adjusted.

 

Lastly, this isn't advocating coming out. Many men get to the Acceptance stage, and do not share this information with anyone. And, there can be compelling reasons for doing so. Thus, this piece is not meant to get everyone to Stage 5 and then bring as many of your closest people around you through it too. Rather, it's offered as one theoretical perspective on how people deal with what they perceive as a "loss" and if it's helpful in your situation, then it was worth writing down. Again, most people may not even go through a particular stage at all, and some may go through each one of them.

 

What say guys??

 

BSK

[Meeko]

I read this somewhere and thought it might be a good topic for discussion....

 

 

 

What say guys??

 

BSK

 

Nice find. I'm interested in how they came up with this ><

[BeaStKid]

Nice find. I'm interested in how they came up with this ><

 

that, my friend, even i don't know.

 

I am a member of a yahoo group in which i received this mail...i'll try and ask the person who sent this about your query.

 

BSK

[Ieshwar]

I have read something like this, but not this one, somewhere, perhaps here or at The Mail Crew. Very nice indeed. Reading it made me laugh at some places but unfortunately, it's the sad truth. Most of us have/had to pass through all this.

 

I have gone through more or less through all the five stages, especially the fourth one. I have accepted my sexuality. But I'm still in closet.

 

Ieshwar

[BeaStKid]

I have read something like this, but not this one, somewhere, perhaps here or at The Mail Crew. Very nice indeed. Reading it made me laugh at some places but unfortunately, it's the sad truth. Most of us have/had to pass through all this.

 

I have gone through more or less through all the five stages, especially the fourth one. I have accepted my sexuality. But I'm still in closet.

 

Ieshwar

 

yeah...this is really bad that so many of us have to go through alla this...i had a fast forwarded stage 1 and two then a long time on stage 3...luckily i skipped stage four and i have my erstwhile local (i don't live in that city anymore) N.G.O to thank for that...and now i'v crossed stage 5 too but still in the closet...

 

sigh...

 

BSK

[Menzoberranzen]

I went from stage 1 to stage 5 with none of the other three...

[Meeko]

I went from stage 1 to stage 5 with none of the other three...

 

 

Thats good to know! If only i could be so lucky, but i know that's never going to happen.

[BeaStKid]

Thats good to know! If only i could be so lucky, but i know that's never going to happen.

 

[Graeme]

I concentrated on the ones for "wife" and while there are a number of items that I thought might be wrong, and others that were missing, it was overall compatible with what I believe my wife went through.

 

What is important is that the responses listed are only a subset of the options available, and many are not appropriate in individual cases. In some of the examples, I found them inappropriate for the category (eg. in denial, the wife response of ""You're not the man I married" I believe should be in the anger stage, not denial. She's not denying it, but is expressing anger at having a false image of her husband) but the idea of what the stage means was still valid (to me).

 

Also, while there are stages listed, it is quite possible to pass some (as has already been indicated) OR to get to stuck in a particular stage.

[colinian]

I read this somewhere and thought it might be a good topic for discussion....

What say guys??

 

BSK

 

I only went through stage 5, and I never really thought about or worried about being gay, I just was what I was, and I am what I am. I was 11 (almost 12) years old and in the 7th grade. It seemed normal, to me, to be having a crush on and making love with another boy. Then later that year meeting the boy who became my BF a year after that. And being "outed" by and totally accepted by my folks when I turned 17.

 

I'm glad I never went through the other stages. I feel for people who have and who are and who will be.

 

A question: Will gay ever become accepted as normal, and if so, how soon?

 

 

Colin

[AFriendlyFace]

Hmm, like Menzo I think I pretty much went from 1 to 5 too. I sorta already had too many gay friends and was too okay with gay people to go through anger, barganing and depression. Apart from which I don't really do anger and depression in general much anyway, and barganing would have probably felt silly to me.

 

Take care all and have a great day!

Kevin

[Graeme]

A question: Will gay ever become accepted as normal, and if so, how soon?

There is a sizeable percentage of the community in some countries that already accept gay as normal. I would say that in New York State, California, and in the main population centres of Australia, the majority of the community would say gay is normal (I don't know much about other USA states or other countries). That doesn't mean everyone says it is normal, but I believe the majority do.

 

Don't confuse this with "gay rights", though. Most will say that discrimination is wrong, for example, but when it comes to a hot-button issue like marriage, there is a sizeable percentage that effectively says that marriage is a privilege, not a right.

[BeaStKid]

A question: Will gay ever become accepted as normal, and if so, how soon?

Colin

 

As Graeme put it, many people do acknowledge the fact that being gay is normal. I have done a research work on this issue in New Delhi, India's capital city when i was a student there.

 

Around 84.3% of the people surveyed felt that being gay was normal and that they had no problem with a person being gay.

 

Another 79% said that they have no problem until and unless gays don't become a problem, i.e. they don't force people to have sex with them (abuse, rape, etc.)

 

Around 76% felt that homosexuality should be de-criminalized. (i used this word specifically, because they did not say legalized marriage or something like that...just not a crime)

 

It will take a lot of time...change never came in a jiffy...the dark ages were around for about 5 centuries...let's hope we get recognized way sooner than that. (god knows i can't wait any longer!!)

 

BSK

[BeaStKid]

Nice find. I'm interested in how they came up with this ><

 

The person who sent me this mail did this research and included parts from his own experiences too. He recently came out to his girl friend too...

 

BSK

[jfalkon]

As I read this post something seemed strangly familiar about the stages. Then I realized that they are identical to the stages of grief which I then googled with the following resuls:

 

[*]Denial:

[Benji]

As I read this post something seemed strangly familiar about the stages. Then I realized that they are identical to the stages of grief which I then googled with the following resuls:

• Denial: "This can't be happening to me."
  
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
  
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
  
• Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything."
  
• Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."
  

I find it disturbing that as a group people react to finding out that someone is gay the same way that they react to finding out that someone is dead. I understand that some parents are disapointed because they were hoping for grandchildren and it must be shocking for the spouse. Still, no one died as the direct result of you comming out. The sevarity of the reaction is a little scary.

 

 

Kinda also sounds like something you would hear at a AA meeting

[Graeme]

As I read this post something seemed strangly familiar about the stages. Then I realized that they are identical to the stages of grief which I then googled with the following resuls:

 

[*]Denial:

[Ieshwar]

[*]Denial:

[jfalkon]

I'm sorry if it came across the wrong way. I did not meen to blame anyone. Its just a shame that it has to be such a difficult process. The analogy to grieving for the dead is a bit scary to me. I supose it is a reflection of the society(s) we live in.

 

I do understand the shock it must send through a family. It is probably much worse than I can imagine for a maried person.

[Graeme]

It is probably much worse than I can imagine for a maried person.

May you never know May no one ever know again....

[BeaStKid]

May you never know May no one ever know again....

While doing a research project on the topic of Alternative Sexuality in India, i had the privilege of meeting 3 homosexuals who were happily married and out to their wives.

 

God bless those understanding souls who accepted their husbands with open arms!!

 

BSK

[ashessnow]

This is not the "Stages of Coming Out". As someone might have pointed out, it's more popularly known as the Five Stages Of Grief created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying written in, I believe, 1969. The original Kubler-Ross model was actually based on people receiving terrible news. She went to hospitals and talked with recently diagnosed terminally ill patients and that's how she came up with her model. However, there's no real evidence that people coping with their impending death move through all five stages. Some go through them all, some repeat stages, skip or not go through them at all.

 

AP Psychology baby, yeah!

[AFriendlyFace]

As I read this post something seemed strangly familiar about the stages. Then I realized that they are identical to the stages of grief which I then googled with the following resuls:

 

[*]Denial:

Edited June 29, 2007 by AFriendlyFace

[ashessnow]

I didn't realize that not everyone had realized that it was also the stages of grief.

Guess you didn't read the post above yours . . .