blessings are they important ?

[moonwolf]

Ok when you begin going out with someone, eventually you have to meet their friends and vice-versa.

 

Not having their blessings from his/her friends can really complicate a relationship, but is it that important to you or you would find a way to make it work somehow ? Would you just dump the other if you get a bad "review" ?

 

What about your parents opinions, or your partners parents, is it important for you ?

 

Now let the discussion begins!!!

[Benji]

Ok when you begin going out with someone, eventually you have to meet their friends and vice-versa.

 

Not having their blessings from his/her friends can really complicate a relationship, but is it that important to you or you would find a way to make it work somehow ? Would you just dump the other if you get a bad "review" ?

 

What about your parents opinions, or your partners parents, is it important for you ?

 

Speaking of blessings as some of you might know (if you read my blog) I am going out with Frenchcanadian as a couple since thursday the 21st so I am OFFICIALLY asking for your blessings... and no I am not kidding... it does mean a lot to me...

 

Now let the discussion begins!!!

 

......"Bo-ruch A-toh Ado-noi....." you have my blessing, may you find the happiness you seek!

[S.L. Lewis]

Ok when you begin going out with someone, eventually you have to meet their friends and vice-versa.

 

Not having their blessings from his/her friends can really complicate a relationship, but is it that important to you or you would find a way to make it work somehow ? Would you just dump the other if you get a bad "review" ?

 

What about your parents opinions, or your partners parents, is it important for you ?

 

Now let the discussion begins!!!

 

 

*squeals* So cute! I hope the best for both of you. *hugs*

Me, I don't really pay attention to what my friends say for the fact that I date some people that they don't like. I try to take into account what my mother does say, but beyond that, I don't really care.

[Tristan Thinks]

There are so many shades to this it's impossible to give a simple Yes/No answer.

 

If my boyfriend is on good terms with his parents then my being friends with them too is important, because otherwise any awkwardness or stress will affect us and our relationship.

 

It's not so critical with his friends but still important, because if we're out socialising the last thing we want to encounter is awkwardness. I think if there were problems from the start of a relationship it'd make it more difficult to sustain if they're close friends of his.

 

What it comes down to is whether you could be comfortable compartmentalising aspects of your relationship if there are problems between his family and friends and you. It doesn't make for well-rounded relationships, I know that.

[Graeme]

As Tristan said, it's important, but it's not critical. The key thing is the relationship between the two people. Receiving the blessing of parents and friends can help that along, while not receiving the blessing can made the relationship tougher. So, yes, they're important, but it's not the end of the world if you don't get them.

 

Also, as Tristan indicated, if the other person doesn't have a close relationship with their parents, then the opinion of said parents is less important.

[FrenchCanadian]

personally, I do find it important that the friends and parent of my partner like me. Well, in fact anyone that my partner will find important.. I can't say exactly why,, but it's very important,,

[Tristan Thinks]

Graeme - great minds think alike

 

I was just thinking about this from the other side of the coin, and it made me chuckle. My father doesn't approve deep-down of my sexuality and we've had the odd raised-voice argument over the fundamentals although most of the time he's fine and he has the attitude that he raised me to have my own opinions and he respects those and the way I choose to live without interfering.

 

When I would bring guys home - whether friends or boyfriends - he would be polite and friendly to them to the extent that they'd be telling me how nice he was, which would make me cringe, because of course I know his little eccentricities too well and they embarrass me greatly.

 

One of them is, he's really into reading books about 'paranormal' stuff, weird spirituality and similar stuff and holds some very embarrassing and forceful views on them. So, especially when my boyfriends decide to stop and be polite and chat to him I always run away and hide somewhere and leave them to it, because I can't stand to be there when he goes off on one of his 'sermons' about 'how the world *really* is' - honestly it is *so* embarrassing.

 

I remember he used to have an insurance guy come round the house once a month to collect premiums, and every time he'd get into one of these 'sermons' and the poor guy would always try to be polite so he'd get his money. Anyhow, after a particularly forceful 'sermon' the guy suddenly switched dad to automated bank payments so he didn't have to visit again :wacko:

 

There was also the time, very early one Saturday morning, I woke up to hear a car wheel-spinning away from the farm drive. I pulled some pants on and went downstairs to find out what was going on and dad was in the doorway chuckling to himself. I asked what was up, and he said that a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses had turned up at the door trying to preach to him so he'd told them how things *really* are - apparently he scared them so much they literally ran away

 

So, even when the boyfriend's parents are great and *you* get on well with them, just remember he might be scared he'll be severely embarrassed by them at any moment, and be on edge whenever you are around them!

[Benji]

Graeme - great minds think alike

 

I was just thinking about this from the other side of the coin, and it made me chuckle. My father doesn't approve deep-down of my sexuality and we've had the odd raised-voice argument over the fundamentals although most of the time he's fine and he has the attitude that he raised me to have my own opinions and he respects those and the way I choose to live without interfering.

 

When I would bring guys home - whether friends or boyfriends - he would be polite and friendly to them to the extent that they'd be telling me how nice he was, which would make me cringe, because of course I know his little eccentricities too well and they embarrass me greatly.

 

One of them is, he's really into reading books about 'paranormal' stuff, weird spirituality and similar stuff and holds some very embarrassing and forceful views on them. So, especially when my boyfriends decide to stop and be polite and chat to him I always run away and hide somewhere and leave them to it, because I can't stand to be there when he goes off on one of his 'sermons' about 'how the world *really* is' - honestly it is *so* embarrassing.

 

I remember he used to have an insurance guy come round the house once a month to collect premiums, and every time he'd get into one of these 'sermons' and the poor guy would always try to be polite so he'd get his money. Anyhow, after a particularly forceful 'sermon' the guy suddenly switched dad to automated bank payments so he didn't have to visit again :wacko:

 

There was also the time, very early one Saturday morning, I woke up to hear a car wheel-spinning away from the farm drive. I pulled some pants on and went downstairs to find out what was going on and dad was in the doorway chuckling to himself. I asked what was up, and he said that a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses had turned up at the door trying to preach to him so he'd told them how things *really* are - apparently he scared them so much they literally ran away

 

So, even when the boyfriend's parents are great and *you* get on well with them, just remember he might be scared he'll be severely embarrassed by them at any moment, and be on edge whenever you are around them!

 

........That's funny, I wish I could of been a fly on the wall when the Jehovahs Witnesses were there!

[AFriendlyFace]

I voted yes for both, because obviously these would be major advantages for any relationship. I think it all really comes down to how any disapproval is handled.

 

If I don't personally like my friend's boyfriend I'm not going to sit there and criticise him nor am I going to try to break them up. I'll suck it up and be as polite and friendly as possible with the knowledge that this is someone important to my friend. I'll also hope that over time I'll grow to see more of his positive qualities.

 

If on the other hand it goes beyond a personal dislike and I actually feel like he has the potential to hurt my friend, I might gently broach the topic, tell my friend my concerns, but let him know that I'll respect and support him in his relationship, and that he can come to me if he needs to talk.

 

Finally, if it goes beyond personal dislike and fearing that he'll hurt my friend to the point that he's already doing my friend damage then I'll try much harder to get my friend to listen. If he absolutely won't I might have a talk with the other guy to try to get him to stop doing whatever is he's doing that's bad for my friend. If none of that works I'll just butt out but be as supportive as I can be to my friend. If/when the relationship ends I'll also make a point of not saying "I told you so", but instead just doing my best to help him get over the person.

 

However, those are all extreme cases. I honestly expect to like anyone my friends are dating. I try to have the attitude that anyone they care about must be a good person. Also, I feel that as a friend it's my primary role not to interrogate the guy and look for every little flaw, but to simply make an honest effort to be a good friend whose presence doesn't complicate things.

 

I used the perspective of "as a friend" because I have quite a bit of first hand experience in that realm. However, I'm pretty sure I would feel almost exactly the same as a parent.

 

 

I think the number one complication that comes up between friends and their friend's boyfriend/girlfriend is jealousy. I suspect this often comes up with parents and their child's significant other as well. It's only natural to be a little bit jealous when someone you care about starts choosing to spend time with someone else over you, but the thing to remember is that unless it is an unhealthy relationship or the person is doing something dangerous, it's really the "natural order of things" so to speak. I think the best thing you can do is take and enjoy the time your friend/child offers you, make it clear that you'll still be there no matter what, and then just sort of sigh and find other ways to occupy your time without becoming possessive or jealous.

 

 

Just my thoughts,

take care all

-Kevin

Edited February 27, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[scoopny]

I agree with Graeme, while blessings are important, they make things easier, it's not the end of the world if you don't get them. It depends really on why you don't get them, if you don't get them because your parents in particular aren't comfortable with your sexuality well then who cares what they think. Your friends might have any number of reasons why they wouldn't approve, but unless they were truly honestly worried about you, then that shouldn't matter either. But hopefully I would want my partner to get along with my friends at the very least. On the other hand, if they do both give their blessings, yes it does make things easier.

[Tiger]

I happen to know that, although my mom will always have misgivings, she'll always support me no matter what decision I make. I've only told her part of the truth. I know she will have a hard time. As for friends, if they don't accept it, they're not true friends, unless there is something they know that they're not telling me.

[AFriendlyFace]

if you don't get them because your parents in particular aren't comfortable with your sexuality well then who cares what they think. Your friends might have any number of reasons why they wouldn't approve, but unless they were truly honestly worried about you, then that shouldn't matter either. But hopefully I would want my partner to get along with my friends at the very least. On the other hand, if they do both give their blessings, yes it does make things easier.

That's what I'm thinking too. I didn't even try to articulate what I was thinking about this in my last post, but I'll take a stab at it now. I think that considering how complicated many GLBT people's relationship is with their parents, it's more common, and in some cases expected even, that they won't give their blessings or get along.

 

Friends on the other hand often act as a sort of "surrogate family" for many GLBT people. As a result I think in many ways it might be more devastating if one's friends didn't accept the new partner.

 

I happen to know that, although my mom will always have misgivings, she'll always support me no matter what decision I make. I've only told her part of the truth. I know she will have a hard time.

Yes, I think this will be much the case with my own mother. I suppose some of this is my fault, I perhaps haven't pressed the issue as much as I should have after I came out, I also haven't even mentioned any of my short-term relationships to her (haven't had a particularly long-term one).

 

 

-Kevin

[Menzoberranzen]

Graeme - great minds think alike

 

But the truly brilliant are infinitely dissimilar.

 

 

Anyway, I voted no on both counts.

 

No for the parents, because well, parents don't control their child's life, and I don't expect my partner to be bound by the opinions of his parents. That's not to say it wouldn't be preferable, but they're not particularly important to me.

 

No to friends, because I don't think friends are really there to give 'blessings.' I don't ask my friends to 'approve' my life choices, and I don't see why I should ask for their 'blessings' about a guy. If I didn't click with any of his friends (or vice versa) then there are probably some compatibility issues, but that doesn't equate to needing/wanting his friends' blessings.

 

I live my life more or less the way I see fit, and I don't ask for or desire the approval of those around me. If they give it, then all the better for them, but it wouldn't impact my decision to date or not date a guy.

 

Menzo

[Meeko]

Here are my 2 cents, and I don't give them freely so keep that in mind.

 

Yes I do care what my boyfriends family thinks about me. Would it ruin my relationship if his family didn't like me? No not one bit. Sure i'll be a tad hurt, but some people just dont get along. No matter what you do or how hard you try, it's just the simple facts that not everyone gets along with one another. I mean as long as he's okay with it so am I. If he's not okay with it then i'll try my hardest to get them to like me even though I know it will most likey not work. So goes for friends more or less. I mean what my friends say are very important to me, so I'm sure there are for my bf too.

 

So more or less I agree with what both Tristan and Graeme said.

 

Nuff said!

[Tristan Thinks]

No for the parents, because well, parents don't control their child's life, and I don't expect my partner to be bound by the opinions of his parents. That's not to say it wouldn't be preferable, but they're not particularly important to me.

 

No to friends, because I don't think friends are really there to give 'blessings.'

I interpretted this not as getting some seal of approval (because like you I live my life my way and if people don't like that then tough) but in terms of it being important to ensure that the relationship between me and my boyfriend wasn't affected by stresses caused by conflicts with his family and friends. If they got on at him because he chose to be with me and that gave him stress and/or upset him, then to that extent it is important to me that I could get on with those people.

 

I can't think of any instance where I haven't got on with family and friends of my boyfriends so I'm talking of a hypothetical conflict in my case, but if I got into a new guy and there were issues like this from the start I would seriously question whether we both wanted to deal with that, especially if those people were close to him and he couldn't walk away from the situation.

 

If the relationship were already well established and issues came up, then I would try to work them out but if we couldn't I'd live with it, I certainly wouldn't think of changing my relationship with him because of it, although I might be concerned that over time he might have problems dealing with it.

[AFriendlyFace]

I live my life more or less the way I see fit, and I don't ask for or desire the approval of those around me. If they give it, then all the better for them, but it wouldn't impact my decision to date or not date a guy.

If only everyone could be so self-assured

[Menzoberranzen]

If only everyone could be so self-assured

 

Or if only I could be less arrogant, hmm?

 

I interpretted this not as getting some seal of approval (because like you I live my life my way and if people don't like that then tough) but in terms of it being important to ensure that the relationship between me and my boyfriend wasn't affected by stresses caused by conflicts with his family and friends. If they got on at him because he chose to be with me and that gave him stress and/or upset him, then to that extent it is important to me that I could get on with those people

 

I'm going to sound selfish here, but that's how it is. A relationship is a mutual thing, but I don't go seeking them to make other people happy. If he is unhappy with the fact that his family dislikes me, then the burden is not mine to bear (as long as I make the effort to be polite). If he can't handle the stress, then he can end the relationship. If our relationship important enough, then he can work around it. I have no qualms with being civil to people I dislike, but I refuse to bend over backwards to accommodate people who won't change their opinion of me anyway.

 

Menzo

Edited February 27, 2008 by Menzoberranzen

[old bob]

......"Bo-ruch A-toh Ado-noi....." you have my blessing, may you find the happiness you seek!

Omein....

[BeaStKid]

blessings of parents? Yes... Blessings of friends? Maybe....

 

While they may be important, they are not the end of life if I don't get them. If I truly love my partner, I do not care if I get any blessings or not...

[AFriendlyFace]

Or if only I could be less arrogant, hmm?

LOL, actually no. I meant it sincerely. When it comes to qualities that I like about you (no short list) your self-assurance is equaled only by your wit.

 

If you're arrogant then so am I since I fully agree with that statement...still I suppose it's not completely out of the realm of possibility that I may be arrogant in some regards too

 

I try very hard to placate people when they become upset and I always try to take other people's feelings into consideration, but underneath my considerate veneer, if at the end of the day, they don't like something I'm doing, or something about me...well then they can take a flying leap.

 

blessings of parents? Yes... Blessings of friends? Maybe....

 

While they may be important, they are not the end of life if I don't get them. If I truly love my partner, I do not care if I get any blessings or not...

Well for what it's worth, Beasty, anyone who makes you happy will have my blessings

 

-Kevin

Edited February 27, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[Krista]

I think it depends on the type of Parents and friends you have.. lol. I voted No for both, as I don't really desire any blessings from anyone when it comes to the person I date. I see it as I'm the one dating the guy, not them. It has hurt me in the past when they see him as a jackass and I'm still smitten, but eh, my friends and my Mother has ruined good relationships too so I think it evens out in the end.

 

Blessings are wanted because we like to show off the person we're dating, and if they don't like the person it kind of blows up in our faces. So blessings are usually a component to strengthen the relationship or end it.

 

I know my friends (most of them) don't like David, especially after he cheated on me a year ago. So they would never approve or give their blessing when it came to him.

 

My mother on the other hand, would give her blessing no matter how many times he cheated because he's a Doctor.. lol. So you really have to pick and choose carefully who's blessings and disapprovals you want to listen to.

[FrenchCanadian]

If on the other hand it goes beyond a personal dislike and I actually feel like he has the potential to hurt my friend, I might gently broach the topic, tell my friend my concerns, but let him know that I'll respect and support him in his relationship, and that he can come to me if he needs to talk.

 

Finally, if it goes beyond personal dislike and fearing that he'll hurt my friend to the point that he's already doing my friend damage then I'll try much harder to get my friend to listen. If he absolutely won't I might have a talk with the other guy to try to get him to stop doing whatever is he's doing that's bad for my friend. If none of that works I'll just butt out but be as supportive as I can be to my friend. If/when the relationship ends I'll also make a point of not saying "I told you so", but instead just doing my best to help him get over the person.

 

Just my thoughts,

take care all

-Kevin

 

For sure, I care too much about my friend,,, If I feel that their new boyfriend are doing things to hurt my friend,, I wouldn't stand there and do nothing,, I'd talk about it to my friend,, and finally I'd kick that bastard butt for trying to hurt my friend.

[TalonRider]

If the couple is planning to be together for a very long time, then you might want the blessings of family and friends. I don't think the short term, or dating, is that important.

 

Jan

[Tiger]

If the couple is planning to be together for a very long time, then you might want the blessings of family and friends. I don't think the short term, or dating, is that important.

 

Jan

I happen to agree with that. There's a certain point in which a couple may decide that their intention is a long-term commitment, sometimes for the remainder of their lives. Indeed, a couple like that needs the blessing of both sets of parents.

[Benji]

I happen to agree with that. There's a certain point in which a couple may decide that their intention is a long-term commitment, sometimes for the remainder of their lives. Indeed, a couple like that needs the blessing of both sets of parents.

 

 

.....Almost true, I did not have the blessing of the mother-in-law, 10 years later I did have it, it didn't bother me one way another. Both sets are long gone and buried, and I'm going on 25 years!