[AFriendlyFace] Buy Me A Drink

[GaryK]

I just finished beta-reading and editing an anthology in first person where the character's name was never mentioned. Maybe it's because it was a short story, but it worked really well. There simply wasn't any need to know what the character's name was. It wouldn't have added anything to the story, and leaving it out didn't detract from the story either. This approach should be used judiciously as it might not work in a longer-format story.

[AFriendlyFace]

I think that's great!

 

Kevin, this is a great start! I very muck liked the conversational style and also the depth you manged to develop in the first chapter.

This is really good!

Thanks CJ!

 

The one very minor constructive thought I had was that perhaps Aaron's name could have been mentioned a little earlier.

Thanks for pointing this out!

 

I agree with you, I probably should have mentioned Aaron's name in at least the first scene. The story sort of dawned on me on one morning when I had the day off and was taking a long, hot bath. The longer I soaked the more I thought about the story, and by the time I got out, dried off etc., and got to the computer I had things pretty fleshed out about how I wanted the first chapter to be.

 

As a result I wrote it pretty it quickly, and while it was always rather the point to make it informal and conversational, the first draft - before anyone got a look - was very casual SLOPPY. My original emphasis was just on getting the story down and then cleaning it up.

 

I actually vaguely remember when I got to that point of Jake asking, "You sure, Aaron?" that I briefly stopped, reviewed the text, and realized that WOW this was the first time I'd mentioned Aaron's name. As a result, I felt it needed some explanation, so I decided to slap down a casual, and mildly amusing "That's my name by the way" and continue with the story.

 

I'm sure I meant to go back and revise it later, but obviously I never really got around to it. I can somewhat justify that since I'm telling the story from Aaron's point of view, and since hopefully in that process I'm able to identify with Aaron, that 'Aaron' hadn't considered mentioning his name up until that point. It sort of fits with the whole racing thoughts, casual narration thing.

 

However, as an author and objective reviewer, I think it would have been better mentioned sooner in case people were sitting there thinking, "Ok, so what's this guy's name?" The best solution I've been able to come up with would have been for the opening line of the story, as uttered by Jake, to have been something like, "Well Aaron, it looks like Bmad's got another one." instead of just "Looks like Bmad's got another one."

 

Do you guys think that would have worked better?

 

Also, most importantly:

 

Were you wondering what Aaron's name was prior to Jake revealing it?

 

 

-Kevin

Edited May 27, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[GaryK]

Yes and yes.

 

However this is still a wonderful story.

[sat8997]

Yes, I definitely love the title. In fact, I like all the titles so far. I won't reveal the names of them, but I can say that I like them.

 

Oh I should certainly hope not. I don't think Kevin's editor would like that very much. I hear she can be very scary.

 

My personal favorite is Chapter Eight

[GaryK]

Oh I should certainly hope not. I don't think Kevin's editor would like that very much. I hear she can be very scary.

 

My personal favorite is Chapter Eight

Nah, I hear she's just a pussycat disguised as a mean old lion.

[sat8997]

Nah, I hear she's just a pussycat disguised as a mean old lion.

 

Old?? Did he call me old?? You know, I think he did.

[GaryK]

Old?? Did he call me old?? You know, I think he did.

You're a better editor that than Sharon. Parse the words better. I called you a pussycat. That implies a young cat. I only claimed that you're disguised as a mean old lion.

[sat8997]

You're a better editor that than that Sharon. Parse the words better. I called you a pussycat. That implies a young cat. I only claimed that you're disguised as a mean old lion.

 

[GaryK]

I deserved that, but still...

[sat8997]

We

[Tiger]

We

[corvus]

Hey Kevin, here's to a fine new voice on GA! Well, it's not really new -- anyone with his head screwed on right would've figured from your posts that you'd have a gift for storytelling. What I find most appealing is your convincing rendering of the shallow-gay-world and the overall tone and voice. It's light and humorous, but I think you have the capability to do something visceral with it, too.

 

Since I respect you too much to write you off with nothing but praise, I'll give you my dish of concrit as well. One is that I don't think you need those italics. You're already in first person, and all this italicizing makes me wonder if Aaron is schizophrenic. Secondly, I wasn't terribly convinced by the moment Aaron and Bmad met. Instead of thinking, "This is definitely NOT according to script," I would have him "stare. And step back, sputtering" before doing his clever thinking. Thirdly, some of Aaron's thoughts pushed dangerously on the "this is here b/c it's clever" line. So I'd be careful with that.

 

I'm glad you're truly writing now! I mean, epic!posts, who cares about those, even if they've an accumulated word count of 100,000...

[AFriendlyFace]

Yes, I definitely love the title. In fact, I like all the titles so far. I won't reveal the names of them, but I can say that I like them.

Thanks Tim! LOL, and thanks for not revealing them either, it is fun to have a surprise in that regard I think!

 

I also have to admit that I've always really liked giving things titles. In all honesty it's a simple joy that's one of my favourite aspects of being a writer. In fact, if anyone happens to remember I even liked it so much I used to name the scenes within Indefensible. Of course the chapters and scenes themselves were much longer (about twice as long actually) than they are for BMAD.

 

Oh I should certainly hope not. I don't think Kevin's editor would like that very much. I hear she can be very scary.

 

My personal favorite is Chapter Eight

Thanks Sharon!

 

LOL, and I appreciate you keeping us in line about spoilers too! I like to chat (there's a surprise), so I'll have to be very careful to avoid giving anything away.

 

Chapter Eight's title is probably my favourite too. Largely in part because it's not only fun, but I had several layers of meaning in mind with it. I'm very much looking forward to discussing why I named it what I did, lol.

 

With "Hot Mess" it's pretty obvious. Anyone have any speculation about the title of chapter 2, "One For Later"?

 

Sooo

[steph]

You're definitely right! Thank you for pointing that out. I'm almost positive I would have taken that into consideration and re-written it had that occurred to me prior to posting the chapter. Wish it had!

why couldn't you change it now, even though it's already posted?

 

Anyway, Chapter 2: One For Later, will definitely be online no later than the evening of Thursday the 29th or the morning of Friday the 30th. However, there's a chance I'll end up posting it about a day before that (thus tonight/early Thursday morning) if I'm able to finish the first chapter of the sequel (I'm kinda hoping to stay pretty far ahead of the posting).

YAY!

[Hexxar]

Awesome story

[AFriendlyFace]

why couldn't you change it now, even though it's already posted?

Well I guess I could...but I sorta feel like now that it's online it is how it is. I mean I would change any typos, or grammatical errors, or misstated facts, but it doesn't seem right to change the plot of the story itself.

 

BTW, many of the 'errors' in the story with regards to grammar and punctuation are more or less intention and deal with Aaron's style and tone, BUT any typos or obvious errors I very much want to correct, so if anyone sees any of those please do let me know!!

 

YAY!

Eugh...I didn't get a chance to post as early as I hoped I would. However, I'm going to go and post the new chapter right now, so I hope you guys like it!

 

Awesome story

Woo hoo!! Thanks, dude! And welcome to the forum! I feel incredibly honoured that your first post was in a discussion thread for BMAD

 

 

I'll let you guys know when I've finished posting the new chapter,

 

Take care all and have an awesome day!

Kevin

[GaryK]

Well I guess I could...but I sorta feel like now that it's online it is how it is. I mean I would change any typos, or grammatical errors, or misstated facts, but it doesn't seem right to change the plot of the story itself.

It's still early enough in the story that if you feel the change is warranted I think we could deal with it.

[Tiger]

Oh I should certainly hope not. I don't think Kevin's editor would like that very much. I hear she can be very scary.

My personal favorite is Chapter Eight

I happen to agree, Sharon. That is a great title!

[GaryK]

I happen to agree, Sharon. That is a great title!

You're both cruel teasers. Keep it up and I'm gonna start doing the same thing about the sequel to LTMP.

[AFriendlyFace]

LOL well on the bright side you guys only have to wait about 6 more weeks to find out what the title to chapter 8 is!

 

 

 

If anyone's interested in reading Chapter 2, please check it out and let me know what you think!

[sat8997]

Well I guess I could...but I sorta feel like now that it's online it is how it is. I mean I would change any typos, or grammatical errors, or misstated facts, but it doesn't seem right to change the plot of the story itself.

 

 

It's still early enough in the story that if you feel the change is warranted I think we could deal with it.

 

I don't think any change is warranted. The scene works very well as written and I think that's exactly how Aaron would react.

[GaryK]

As I said in my review I'm a man of few words when it comes to reviews. Just know that I loved this chapter. Aaron's in a fine mess on several fronts. It'll be interesting to see how he deals with Ben and if he's able to help Jake.

 

“Jake, contrary to popular belief there really isn’t this big, queer directory that we all have access to.”

 

That line had me doubled-over with laughter.

 

Sharon I wasn't suggesting a change was needed. Only that if Kev was going to make one now would be the time to do it.

Edited May 30, 2008 by GaryInMiami

[AFriendlyFace]

I don't think any change is warranted. The scene works very well as written and I think that's exactly how Aaron would react.

Thanks Sharon! You probably know Aaron as well or better than me anyway, so if you think it's inline with how he would react that's a great relief!

 

As I said in my review I'm a man of few words when it comes to reviews. Just know that I loved this chapter. Aaron's in a fine mess on several fronts. It'll be interesting to see how hw deals with Ben and if he's able to help Jake.

 

 

Edited May 30, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[GaryK]

I can't really take complete credit for that line since I was more or less just expanding on the observation that quite a few gay and lesbian writers and comedians have made about straight people seeming to assume we all know each other, but it felt in line with both Jake and Aaron's characters and their dynamic, so I was glad to throw it in

I know the line's not completely unique. I've seen it used in reference to any number of groups of people. Sometimes it's offensive. Here it was a perfect line which is why it elicited a hearty laugh from me.

[Tiger]

You're both cruel teasers. Keep it up and I'm gonna start doing the same thing about the sequel to LTMP.

Well, I could always do the same with CJ's upcoming sci-fi story, so HA!