[AFriendlyFace] Buy Me A Drink

[GaryK]

Well, I could always do the same with CJ's upcoming sci-fi story, so HA!

[Tiger]

So were you. Anyway, did you enjoy Chapter 2?

[GaryK]

So were you. Anyway, did you enjoy Chapter 2?

Yep, I enjoyed it a lot. Poor Aaron's gotten himself into quite a bind. He's trying to make things right with Ben. He's got to help Jake prove to his g/f that he's really straight. Cosmo is HIV+. Seems like Kev's fleshing out his characters quite well to prepare us for whatever comes next. It's a shame he doesn't have a better beta-reader though.

[Tiger]

Yep, I enjoyed it a lot. Poor Aaron's gotten himself into quite a bind. He's trying to make things right with Ben. He's got to help Jake prove to his g/f that he's really straight. Cosmo is HIV+. Seems like Kev's fleshing out his characters quite well to prepare us for whatever comes next. It's a shame he doesn't have a better beta-reader though.

Gee thanks. Yes, that was definitely an interesting chapter. I think you will notice that Ben is a sensitive guy. Aaron is rather brash at times. It's not always a good combination.

[Tiff]

Hey Kevin!

 

Remember when I said I'd try to wait for the entire story to be posted before reading? Yeah, well, I LIED! I couldn't do it. I came home from an agonizingly long night class and I just needed a little pick me up. Thank you for posting this. Perfect timing, for me at least.

 

Anyway, great job again. I really love the whole friendship aspect of this story, especially Jake and Aaron in this particular chapter. It's cute how Jake is forcing Aaron to go out with Amanda to set the record straight, and also that Jake ignores Ben's latest guy in order to buy Aaron more time. It's like a little scheme or something and I love that camaradie feel if that makes any sense.

 

Dave is a good character. So nice and easy-going. Maybe a friendship will develop there as well? Either way, I didn't think the title of this chapter was all that great at first, but after reading through it, it definitely fits very well! The whole drink thing with Dave and then at the end when he used that same line on Ben, you really tied it all together. It wasn't meant to be funny, I'm sure, but it still made me chuckle. Quirky Aaron learned a smooth line from Dave. Not bad, not bad.

 

So now that I know, and you know, that I cannot wait for the entire thing to be posted, I shall see you again in this forum once chapter 3 is posted. Hopefully soon, and preferably on Tuesday and Thursday evenings after I finish my night school. Yeah, I'm sounding bossy, but umm, yeah, that's it.

[GaryK]

Gee thanks. Yes, that was definitely an interesting chapter. I think you will notice that Ben is a sensitive guy. Aaron is rather brash at times. It's not always a good combination.

Aw, you know I love you like a son Tim. If I can't tease my kid who can I tease?

 

I think Ben's sensitivity, at least as it's been related to us, is what I found most interesting in this chapter. We're still taking someone else's word for that sensitivity though. It remains to be seen how true it really is. So I'm hopeful but still skeptical.

 

Aaron's brashness didn't surprise me at all even though this is the first time we've seen a real demonstration of it. Even in the first chapter he seemed like someone who was capable of being brash to the point of perhaps being brutal about it.

[wildone]

Hey Kevin,

 

I could have sworn I posted after the first chapter , but I don't see it anywhere, so maybe I'll have to check some other forums to make sure I didn't post it there .

 

What I said about the first chapter though was that I was really impressed. The bar situation or scene was something that I think a lot of us can relate to. I remember being a regular at one bar, and having names for others regulars that I never talked to. They were usually something that were personality driven and was humourous to my friends and myself.

 

In a way, it sort of reminded me in a way of Cheers. Not saying that you copied the idea, but just the whole bar atmosphere where bars have certain characters and the regulars know each others personalities down pat. Too bad there isn't a Norm .

 

I finished up by saying I would be looking forward to the next chapter, but since it here, I guess I can comment.

 

I liked the way that you actually developed the characters in Bmad's group a bit more in this chapter. It was good to see that Aaron learned a bit more about a couple of them. Maybe he learned more about Ben from Dave, but it was a good way to learn about not only Ben and Dave, but Aaron, Jake and Mick as well. Also it might be interesting to see how many people Aaron has turned down with the Mick/Aaron thing, and if it results in anything in the future.

 

If I had any critique, it would be that I was a little bit more confused in the switching of names between nicknames and real names. At times I had to think "which one was that", but I did figure it out on my own, .

 

Probably the best part had to be the final three paragraphs in the chapter. Here Aaron is trying to buy Ben (Buy Me Another Drink) a drink, and he is not interested, but Aaron turns it around in his favour. It had me laughing at the irony of it all.

 

Great Job

 

Steve

[AFriendlyFace]

Yep, I enjoyed it a lot. Poor Aaron's gotten himself into quite a bind. He's trying to make things right with Ben. He's got to help Jake prove to his g/f that he's really straight. Cosmo is HIV+. Seems like Kev's fleshing out his characters quite well to prepare us for whatever comes next. It's a shame he doesn't have a better beta-reader though.

 

First my editor and now my beta reader come under attack! LOL, fortunately it seems they're both more than capable of handling the situation

 

What did you think of Cosmo's revelation? Were you guys surprised or did you see it coming at all?

 

 

Remember when I said I'd try to wait for the entire story to be posted before reading? Yeah, well, I LIED! I couldn't do it. I came home from an agonizingly long night class and I just needed a little pick me up. Thank you for posting this. Perfect timing, for me at least.

Yay! Glad to help out, Tiff!

 

Anyway, great job again. I really love the whole friendship aspect of this story, especially Jake and Aaron in this particular chapter. It's cute how Jake is forcing Aaron to go out with Amanda to set the record straight, and also that Jake ignores Ben's latest guy in order to buy Aaron more time. It's like a little scheme or something and I love that camaradie feel if that makes any sense.

I'm really glad you liked that! Some of my favourite scenes are between Aaron and Jake. He's a fun character to write for.

 

Dave is a good character. So nice and easy-going. Maybe a friendship will develop there as well? Either way, I didn't think the title of this chapter was all that great at first, but after reading through it, it definitely fits very well! The whole drink thing with Dave and then at the end when he used that same line on Ben, you really tied it all together. It wasn't meant to be funny, I'm sure, but it still made me chuckle. Quirky Aaron learned a smooth line from Dave. Not bad, not bad.

Thanks, the scene between Cosmo and Aaron at the beginning is my favourite in these first two chapters. I think it goes a long toward revealing a great deal about both of them directly and indirectly about Ben and Giorgio. It was also a lot of fun to write!

 

What did you guys think of Cosmo and Aaron's interaction?

 

So now that I know, and you know, that I cannot wait for the entire thing to be posted, I shall see you again in this forum once chapter 3 is posted. Hopefully soon, and preferably on Tuesday and Thursday evenings after I finish my night school. Yeah, I'm sounding bossy, but umm, yeah, that's it.

Well, my goal is to get it online no later than Wednesday evening, but in all likelihood it may indeed work out to Tuesday night

 

Hey Kevin,

 

I could have sworn I posted after the first chapter , but I don't see it anywhere, so maybe I'll have to check some other forums to make sure I didn't post it there .

LOL! Well it's good to know there's a post about it out there somewhere

 

 

What I said about the first chapter though was that I was really impressed. The bar situation or scene was something that I think a lot of us can relate to. I remember being a regular at one bar, and having names for others regulars that I never talked to. They were usually something that were personality driven and was humourous to my friends and myself.

 

In a way, it sort of reminded me in a way of Cheers. Not saying that you copied the idea, but just the whole bar atmosphere where bars have certain characters and the regulars know each others personalities down pat. Too bad there isn't a Norm

Thanks, Steve! I was indeed going for that comfortable dynamic between friends, as well as infusing a slice of 'gay life' and 'the scene' into the story.

 

In all honesty I wasn't really thinking of Cheers when I created the characters. In many ways they're sort of like extreme versions and mixtures of various people that I know, but I also confess I had a little Queer As Folk and a little Friends in mind when I created them as well. So it's sort of like a combination of the three plus ALOT of creative license lol.

 

I liked the way that you actually developed the characters in Bmad's group a bit more in this chapter. It was good to see that Aaron learned a bit more about a couple of them. Maybe he learned more about Ben from Dave, but it was a good way to learn about not only Ben and Dave, but Aaron, Jake and Mick as well. Also it might be interesting to see how many people Aaron has turned down with the Mick/Aaron thing, and if it results in anything in the future.

Thanks

 

Regarding that last bit, I'll comment a bit more on it as the story progresses.

 

 

If I had any critique, it would be that I was a little bit more confused in the switching of names between nicknames and real names. At times I had to think "which one was that", but I did figure it out on my own, .

I'm glad it wasn't too confusing then. I tried to make it as straightforward as possible, by trying to include the two names, obviously in reference to the same character, within a pretty short space. That way no matter which name the read 'knew' he/she would be able to figure it out pretty quickly. Here's a little list if it helps:

 

-Aaron is just Aaron and Mick is just Mick

-Bmad/Ben - I'll go so far as to say that the 'Bmad' days are over for this character. Hence forth he'll pretty much exclusively be referred to as simply 'Ben'.

-Jake/Marcus - It'll be 'Jake' the overwhelming majority of the time, just don't be surprised if you occasionally hear him referred to as 'Marcus'. Marcus is his real name, he just took 'Jake' because he liked it better for a bartender.

-Cosmo/Dave - It'll be a good split, with this one, depending on who is referencing/addressing him

-Daisy/___ - Haha, almost gave away his real name! So far in the story it hasn't been given. During the 'introductions' he was 'the bitch', and none of the others addressed him in front of Aaron so he still doesn't know. Like Cosmo once his real name is revealed it'll be used pretty evenly depending on who is referencing/addressing him.

-Giorgio/Jose - Same as the other two.

 

We've also had a mention of a "Ronnie", "Amanda", and "John". Again I don't want to give away any plot, but suffice to say that those are their only names as well.

 

In general I tend to call the characters by the same names that Aaron uses since I'm used to writing in Aaron's voice, so I'll probably say Jake, Cosmo, Daisy, and Giorgio the majority of the times as well.

 

Probably the best part had to be the final three paragraphs in the chapter. Here Aaron is trying to buy Ben (Buy Me Another Drink) a drink, and he is not interested, but Aaron turns it around in his favour. It had me laughing at the irony of it all.

Thanks Steve!

 

I remember when I wrote this chapter Aaron really surprised me! I wasn't expecting him to be so cocky and smooth, in fact I pretty much WAS expecting him to chicken out, but he proved me wrong! I think this was an important chapter for Aaron as a character. In the last chapter we saw hints of his assertiveness when he told off Daisy, and of course we've also heard some of the things that goes on in his head. Up until this chapter though I didn't think he'd have the nerve to act that way toward Ben.

 

What did you all think of this? As I said, it felt in character for him (which is why I wrote it that way I suppose), but it surprised me.

 

 

Take care all

Kevin

[sat8997]

[GaryK]

First my editor and now my beta reader come under attack! LOL, fortunately it seems they're both more than capable of handling the situation

Just so there's no misunderstanding on the part of members who don't know it, Tim and I are quite friendly and love to tease each other.

 

I can't say I expected Cosmo's revelation. And yet it didn't really surprise me either. There had to be some reason why he wasn't also taking tricks home. I think anyone with a conscience and is HIV+ should not be cruising bars or clubs for one night stands. There needs to be time to build a level of trust between partners because even safer sex still carries some significant risks.

[Razor]

................................................................................

......................................................

 

I'm reading the first chapter... I'll get to the second... okay now to the second.... (I'm posting as I read, lol, I can't help it)

 

I knew you were intelligent and articulate, Kevvers, but I guess I didn't know exactly how creative you are. Very nice descriptions without all of the run-of-the-mill adjectives that are all terribly threadbare (and I could've used bromidic, banal, dull, platitudinal, commonplace, old, overused, overworked... okay, outta synonyms).

 

I enjoyed:

-the homicidal ideation involving the tweaked out bitch and his scarf

-Aaron being fun to watch/read/whatever

-LMFAO at "[the mug] didn't really exist anyway"

-It's parallel, meaning that it's well-written. Things match up nicely and fit together without clashing. Some people write and things just get hazy around the edges. This is more like puzzle piece edges.

 

 

 

My personal issues:

-having thoughts in italics bothers me, but not a big issue

-"Cosmo" reminds me of the idiot fairy from Fairly Oddparents

-knowing way too damn much at points, and what I mean by this is the thing like the Columbian accent, the Giorgio cologne, etc.

-WTF, man, you already ruined it by f**king with Cosmo! Omg Kevvers you lose all the points you had, you're in the negative, DEATH!; Also, he would not be drinking if he had HIV. I'm assuming that, like everyone in the real world, he's started HAART, and recent research definitely suggests that alcohol use correlates with higher viral load and lower T-cell count. The amount of alcohol could be questioned, but considering as how the boy always has a cosmo in his hand, he's gotta be topping more than just one drink a day.

-it almost seems like you're writing defensively at points... hard to explain, but like you're preempting certain possible criticisms

 

 

 

It's great so far, Kevvers. Wish it were finished, I hate trying to keep up with chapters coming out. Anywho, keep it going... I really, really like it (which, as you know... is sorta rare for me ).

[AFriendlyFace]

I laugh everytime I read this, and I've read it often.

LOL, I know how you love that line! I was wondering if you were going to comment on it!

 

I can't say I expected Cosmo's revelation. And yet it didn't really surprise me either. There had to be some reason why he wasn't also taking tricks home. I think anyone with a conscience and is HIV+ should not be cruising bars or clubs for one night stands. There needs to be time to build a level of trust between partners because even safer sex still carries some significant risks.

-WTF, man, you already ruined it by f**king with Cosmo! Omg Kevvers you lose all the points you had, you're in the negative, DEATH!; Also, he would not be drinking if he had HIV. I'm assuming that, like everyone in the real world, he's started HAART, and recent research definitely suggests that alcohol use correlates with higher viral load and lower T-cell count. The amount of alcohol could be questioned, but considering as how the boy always has a cosmo in his hand, he's gotta be topping more than just one drink a day.

 

LOL, now here's the sort of discussions I was expecting about Cosmo!

 

I don't want to give away too many spoilers, but I will say that Gary's interpretation of Cosmo's reasoning for going home without playmates is exactly what I intended for the readers to assume at this point (LOL, it sounds like I'm saying there's some secret, other possibility, which isn't really my intent, but I do want to leave room for further layers build on this).

 

Regarding the part about being ticked off because I gave him HIV...well, it was always my intention to write him that way, and it was also always my intention to let the readers know early on (wouldn't you hate this revelation more 20 or 30 chapters in? ). However, I have to say I hated to do it too. When I got to the scene in which Aaron found out, I was having so much fun writing Cosmo, and he was so likable that there was definitely an "awww man!" moment for me as well.

 

Finally, about the alcohol, you're definitely right about your info, Jamie, and I have taken that into consideration. Unfortunately, much of Cosmo's character is based on someone I actually know, in terms of how I physically imagine him, his personality, his status, his age, and yes, unfortunately to a lesser degree his drinking habits. The guy I have in mind doesn't actually drink Cosmos but a variety of other drinks, and fortunately at least he doesn't drink quite as much as Cosmo does, but still far more than he should given his condition.

 

I knew you were intelligent and articulate, Kevvers, but I guess I didn't know exactly how creative you are. Very nice descriptions without all of the run-of-the-mill adjectives that are all terribly threadbare (and I could've used bromidic, banal, dull, platitudinal, commonplace, old, overused, overworked... okay, outta synonyms).

 

I enjoyed:

-the homicidal ideation involving the tweaked out bitch and his scarf

-Aaron being fun to watch/read/whatever

-LMFAO at "[the mug] didn't really exist anyway"

-It's parallel, meaning that it's well-written. Things match up nicely and fit together without clashing. Some people write and things just get hazy around the edges. This is more like puzzle piece edges.

Aww thanks, Jamie

 

 

 

-knowing way too damn much at points, and what I mean by this is the thing like the Columbian accent, the Giorgio cologne, etc.

Good points I'll concede. On the other hand those things wouldn't be impossible in general, but they might be harder for Aaron specifically to determine quickly.

 

The cologne thing for example: I've had people identify my cologne before on several occasions. On a few occasions it's been a much less popular, well-known cologne than Giorgio Armani, and in one instance IT WAS Giorgio Armani. So I know a lot of guys can do it, and I'm pretty sure that in any given gay club at least a handful of the guys would be able to pick this out. I agree that it doesn't seem all that likely that Aaron or Jake would be able to, and that's definitely a slight failing of the story.

 

I had originally written Aaron slightly different, and my first version of Aaron would have been able to pick it out. The "2.0 version" probably wouldn't. I still don't think it's that far fetched though, let's imagine for instance that after Giorgio walks by Aaron and/or Jake says "did you smell him!?" at which point random cologne queen by the bar says, "you mean 'Giorgio'? Yeahhh *dreamy look*". LOL, of course I didn't write that, but it or anything similar could easily have happened.

 

Regarding the accents, I absolutely know "Gringos" who could pick out a Columbian accent, and one of the characters is the story would definitely be able to. Houston has a huge and diverse Hispanic influence and I personally know Columbians, and I can tell that there's a difference between that and the more common Mexican accent, I probably wouldn't pick it out as "Columbian", but a lot of people could, and I don't think it's completely unreasonable to think that Aaron could.

 

 

-it almost seems like you're writing defensively at points... hard to explain, but like you're preempting certain possible criticisms

Ohh! That's interesting! On the one hand Aaron himself is defensive, but on the other it's definitely possible that I'm doing that purely as a writer. I love to debate and discuss, and very often when I write forum posts, or simply enter into a discourse, I try to anticipate any objections or arguments and deflate them before the other person can make them...so while I definitely wasn't trying to do that with the story, it may indeed have seeped through as a result of force of habit or something. Fascinating comment! I'm definitely going to be on the look out for this!

 

Thanks for the wonderful, interesting, and insightful review, Jamie!

 

 

-Kevin

Edited May 30, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[steph]

Kevin, I liked Ch 1 much better than Ch 2. Ch 2 felt klunky to me. It just didn't have the same flow. The conversation between Cosmo Dave and Aaron was awkward. I haven't gone back to pinpoint why... but if everyone else liked it so much, maybe it's just me? Jamie did have a point that you sometimes described too much or maybe it's that the sentence structure repeated too often?

 

I did love the ending, and how the title was weaved into the story. You're right that Aaron seemed to have some weird confidence showing up there, but I think it fit. Nice!

[AFriendlyFace]

Kevin, I liked Ch 1 much better than Ch 2. Ch 2 felt klunky to me. It just didn't have the same flow. The conversation between Cosmo Dave and Aaron was awkward. I haven't gone back to pinpoint why... but if everyone else liked it so much, maybe it's just me? Jamie did have a point that you sometimes described too much or maybe it's that the sentence structure repeated too often?

Thanks for telling me Steph! If you could pinpoint the problem with the conversation between Aaron and Cosmo I would really appreciate it (no problem if you can't though, I'll go back and review it myself and see if I can figure out any problems). I actually felt like that dialogue went pretty well, and as I said it's one of my favourite scenes, so I'm definitely eager to make it better if I can, and brush up on future dialogue.

 

If you don't mind my asking, what did you think of the dialogue between Aaron and Jake? Did that seem to flow naturally?

 

I did love the ending, and how the title was weaved into the story. You're right that Aaron seemed to have some weird confidence showing up there, but I think it fit. Nice!

Thanks!

 

 

Regarding chapter 2 not being as good as chapter 1...well it's the last thing an author should say about his chapter, especially while it's the 'current' chapter, but despite the fact that it had some of my favourite interaction (Cosmo/Aaron, Jake/Aaron), have to admit that if I had to pick a regular chapter in all of BMAD to identify as my least favourite...it would probably be that one.

 

Like I said, I felt like it was a very important chapter and I thought it did have some good scenes, but yeah, overall I think I like the others better myself. My favourite chapters are actually the last four of the series. Anyway, hopefully you'll like the next chapter better. Personally I do like it much better. Apart from all that there's a new kid in town who ought to shake things up a bit

 

By the way, now seems like a good enough time to announce the name of the next chapter: Make Over Madness

 

Any speculation about the name (LOL, I suppose it shouldn't be THAT hard to figure out)?

 

Also, what did everyone else think about the Aaron/Cosmo and Aaron/Jake interaction? I definitely want to address any dialogue problems I'm having before anymore chapters go online!

 

Thanks again, Steph!

 

Take care all,

Kevin

Edited May 31, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[Tiger]

By the way, now seems like a good enough time to announce the name of the next chapter: Make Over Madness

I happen to approve of the chapter title. I also think you have sparked their curiosity with the title.

[Tiff]

I thought the Aaron/Jake interaction was natural. Especially when Jake was hounding Aaron to hang out with his girlfriend Amanda in an effort to convince her that he's straight. And how easily Aaron folded. I mean, only close friends tell one another what to do, and then the other party just accepts it. I mean, didn't Aaron agree to chilling with Amanda, like inviting himself along?

 

As for Aaron and Cosmo/Dave, sure it was a bit awkward and wasn't the most flowing conversation, but I think it worked well. In my opinion, it could have been intentional. Kevin, just say that it was! LOL. Take the glory!

 

But seriously, Aaron has been observing Bmad and his circle of friends for awhile now, so of course the conversation isn't going to be super smooth. Aren't they strangers, pretty much? But it seems like there was an attraction on a friendship level. Cosmo was witty and fun. They were honest with each other right away inspite of the intial awkwardness--the whole drink thing and already having one...

 

If it was awkward, I still feel it worked to your advantage.

 

This was my favorite chapter, I know, they're only two, but I like this one the best. The dialogue between Jake/Aaron and Aaron/Cosmo was funny and made me laugh. My memory blows and I can't even quote the lines, but good stuff. I think Sharon mentioned one funny line about Cosmo alreayd having a Cosmo. And then Jake saying his girlfriend thinks he's gay because he was hugging Mick, while Aaron was not having sex with Ben.

 

And I liked seeing the friendship aspect between Jake and Aaron. There wasnt enough in chapter 1 really. But in all fairness chapter one was the introduction stage. I'm big on the friendship things in stories, apparently. Friends keep you sane, help you out in your time of need...and all that good stuff.

[sat8997]

It just didn't have the same flow. The conversation between Cosmo Dave and Aaron was awkward. I haven't gone back to pinpoint why... but if everyone else liked it so much, maybe it's just me?

 

 

As for Aaron and Cosmo/Dave, sure it was a bit awkward and wasn't the most flowing conversation, but I think it worked well. In my opinion, it could have been intentional. Kevin, just say that it was! LOL. Take the glory!

 

But seriously, Aaron has been observing Bmad and his circle of friends for awhile now, so of course the conversation isn't going to be super smooth. Aren't they strangers, pretty much?

 

Bingo!!!

[rada]

``I've just begun releasing my new story, Buy Me A Drink.`` First I`d like to start by saying thank you for taking the time to write the story, and hope you`ll have more time and inspiration so that you`ll keep going `til everybody gets a happy ending. Especially Dave. Next, I`d like to wish you health, love, and loooots of happiness cause you need them in order to write, right? lame joke, sorry. Seriously, can`t wait for the next chapter, yes I`ve read the second one as well, and loved it even more, now that you`ve outlined Mick`s sensitivity, he almost cried after he broke Aarons coffee mug. And he seems to be a good friend to him, but does he have to be straight? Maybe Aaron can help him overcome his fear of sex. And poor Ben, can`t he find one guy that`ll love him and put a stop to all of those one night senseless affairs. I`m not saying anything about Daisy, don`t like him. Well, that`s it, hope you`re convinced, you have lots of fans that can`t wait to read your stories. Take care, bye, Rada.

[steph]

Bingo!!!

To me, it wasn't the conversation so much as the way it was written. It almost made me stop reading. But since I like Kevin, I kept reading. I've seen authors write awkward conversations that flow well, especially when they include thoughts. I am extremely picky about dialogue and when it doesn't flow properly, I lose interest in reading the story. The difference was a huge, comparing it to ch 1, and not the best way to start the next chapter.

 

Just looking at the first two lines...

“Your boyfriend’s hot,” someone says as they nudge my shoulder. I look up from my notes.

 

“Cosmo!”

"...someone says as they..." -- First off, this is bad grammar. It should be he or she, not they. Then, we switch subjects in the same dialogue line from 'someone' to 'I'. It's not a big deal, but it makes a difference in the reading. It's not a strong way to start off the chapter.

 

"Your boyfriend's hot." Someone nudges my shoulder, causing me to look up from my notes.

 

"Cosmo!"

 

This is just my personal opinion, and Kevin does get back into his groove by the end of the chapter. The beginning was just painful for me personally, because I'm very picky about dialogue.

 

Kevin, I promise I'll give you more examples when I have a chance.

Edited May 31, 2008 by steph291

[GaryK]

To me, it wasn't the conversation so much as the way it was written. It almost made me stop reading. But since I like Kevin, I kept reading. I've seen authors write awkward conversations that flow well, especially when they include thoughts. I am extremely picky about dialogue and when it doesn't flow properly, I lose interest in reading the story. The difference was a huge, comparing it to ch 1, and not the best way to start the next chapter.

Respectfully, dialogue is the only thing I'm not picky about. Rarely does anyone speak in a way that flows the way you'd like it to. Grammar is often imperfect. The flow is often choppy. Now, if an entire story is filled with crappy dialogue then I might have a problem with it. But a few awkward sentences just isn't a problem in my judgment. I give my authors a lot of leeway when it comes to making suggestions about changes in dialogue because people just don't speak perfectly.

[steph]

Respectfully, dialogue is the only thing I'm not picky about. Rarely does anyone speak in a way that flows the way you'd like it to. Grammar is often imperfect. The flow is often choppy. Now, if an entire story is filled with crappy dialogue then I might have a problem with it. But a few awkward sentences just isn't a problem in my judgment. I give my authors a lot of leeway when it comes to making suggestions about changes in dialogue because people just don't speak perfectly.

Actually, that's a totally different point. If the dialogue uses perfect grammar, it's awkward. I totally agree with you. The grammar I pointed out was not in the dialogue, but in the writing around the dialogue (the descriptions and such). The writing around the dialogue should conform to grammar rules, unless it's written as thoughts. Most of the time when I'm reading, I just feel that something's off and can usually figure out how to fix it. The more I read, the more my guidelines begin to formulate. Again, these are just my own guidelines, and you can chose to disagree.

Edited May 31, 2008 by steph291

[GaryK]

My bad. I guess I didn't pay enough attention to the rest of your message. I think we're pretty much in agreement on this issue. Awkward dialogue can be alright. Poor grammar and other mistakes around the dialogue can result in a confusing mess. Sometimes I find I don't know who said what to whom in cases like that. It's very annoying.

[AFriendlyFace]

I thought the Aaron/Jake interaction was natural. Especially when Jake was hounding Aaron to hang out with his girlfriend Amanda in an effort to convince her that he's straight. And how easily Aaron folded. I mean, only close friends tell one another what to do, and then the other party just accepts it. I mean, didn't Aaron agree to chilling with Amanda, like inviting himself along?

 

As for Aaron and Cosmo/Dave, sure it was a bit awkward and wasn't the most flowing conversation, but I think it worked well. In my opinion, it could have been intentional. Kevin, just say that it was! LOL. Take the glory!

 

But seriously, Aaron has been observing Bmad and his circle of friends for awhile now, so of course the conversation isn't going to be super smooth. Aren't they strangers, pretty much? But it seems like there was an attraction on a friendship level. Cosmo was witty and fun. They were honest with each other right away inspite of the intial awkwardness--the whole drink thing and already having one...

 

If it was awkward, I still feel it worked to your advantage.

 

This was my favorite chapter, I know, they're only two, but I like this one the best. The dialogue between Jake/Aaron and Aaron/Cosmo was funny and made me laugh. My memory blows and I can't even quote the lines, but good stuff. I think Sharon mentioned one funny line about Cosmo alreayd having a Cosmo. And then Jake saying his girlfriend thinks he's gay because he was hugging Mick, while Aaron was not having sex with Ben.

 

And I liked seeing the friendship aspect between Jake and Aaron. There wasnt enough in chapter 1 really. But in all fairness chapter one was the introduction stage. I'm big on the friendship things in stories, apparently. Friends keep you sane, help you out in your time of need...and all that good stuff.

Thanks all around, Tiff!

 

I agree, I think friendship is very important and a convincing friendship in a story can definitely make a huge difference!

 

``I've just begun releasing my new story, Buy Me A Drink.`` First I`d like to start by saying thank you for taking the time to write the story, and hope you`ll have more time and inspiration so that you`ll keep going `til everybody gets a happy ending. Especially Dave. Next, I`d like to wish you health, love, and loooots of happiness cause you need them in order to write, right? lame joke, sorry. Seriously, can`t wait for the next chapter, yes I`ve read the second one as well, and loved it even more, now that you`ve outlined Mick`s sensitivity, he almost cried after he broke Aarons coffee mug. And he seems to be a good friend to him, but does he have to be straight? Maybe Aaron can help him overcome his fear of sex. And poor Ben, can`t he find one guy that`ll love him and put a stop to all of those one night senseless affairs. I`m not saying anything about Daisy, don`t like him. Well, that`s it, hope you`re convinced, you have lots of fans that can`t wait to read your stories. Take care, bye, Rada.

Wow! Thanks, Rada! I really appreciate you taking the time to review the story, especially with your first post!

 

LOL, regarding the questions, comments, and requests, well I promise I definitely will address each of these points in either BMAD or its sequel!

 

 

Just looking at the first two lines...

 

"...someone says as they..." -- First off, this is bad grammar. It should be he or she, not they. Then, we switch subjects in the same dialogue line from 'someone' to 'I'. It's not a big deal, but it makes a difference in the reading. It's not a strong way to start off the chapter.

 

Thanks, Steph! Those comments definitely helped a lot!

 

So maybe something like:

 

Edited May 31, 2008 by AFriendlyFace

[sat8997]

So, of course I (and Sharon! and Tim!) have to go back and make it as 'readable' as possible without losing Aaron's casual, 'unpolished' voice.

 

And that's a very fine line. Everyone is going to 'read' things just a bit differently. We go back and forth with each chapter repeatedly, tweaking this and that. As long as Kevin is happy enough with the end result to push that 'post' button, well to me anyway, that's all that matters.

[Tiger]

And that's a very fine line. Everyone is going to 'read' things just a bit differently. We go back and forth with each chapter repeatedly, tweaking this and that. As long as Kevin is happy enough with the end result to push that 'post' button, well to me anyway, that's all that matters.

I feel the same way, Sharon. This is an interesting series, and I am glad to be a part of it. I am so blown away by his style. It's so refreshing. Mine is quite rigid in comparison. I just hope I am being helpful despite that.