Threeway Relationships

[Razor]

So the other day I was talking to a friend and a very interesting possibility was debated. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it, either.

 

Do you think it's possible to have a successful, intimate, happy, productive relationship in which three people are involved?

 

I used to think immediately "Hell no, that's not possible at all, it just couldn't work"... but now I'm not so sure. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my self-image and self-worth have gotten a lot better and I don't feel as insecure anymore, thus I feel less jealous of others, so I don't grow suspicious or envious. Also, the more I think about it the more I realize that I have a LOT of love to give, and while I could certainly maintain it in a platonic fashion for everyone but one special person, what would be wrong with giving it to two people if they both knew and agreed? Is there anything intrinsically wrong with that scenario? Is it immoral? If so, how? Why?

 

For me, this is becoming a very complicated point of interest because I have a lot of my personal opinions and morals worked out, and the fact that I'm having so much trouble deciding exactly how I feel about this issue really surprises me. On the one hand I wonder if I would feel left out, or feel like I'm leaving someone out of the relationship, or not spending a balanced amount of time/effort/love on both individuals. On the other hand, I wonder if it could be a good thing, if I could love and be loved by two people who could also love and be loved by each other, and we could be happy together in a trusting, supportive, caring union.

 

Of course, this is all purely hypothetical, but it leaves much to be pondered about human nature and presuppositions people have because society supports a certain defined relationship-type.

 

 

 

 

What do you guys think?

Edited March 5, 2009 by Razor

[AFriendlyFace]

Great topic, Jamie

 

I have some thoughts.

 

Of course it could work, and of course there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if it's what all three people wanted.

 

Personally speaking, I wouldn't enter a threeway relationship, at least I don't have any plans to, but at the same time I think I'm actually a fairly good candidate. I'm not really jealous at all. I do great by myself or with others, and I'm happy for other people I care about having fun and doing things, even if I can't be there. I also already love so many people, and if I wanted to I'm sure I wouldn't have any problem integrating sex, dating, and relationship stuff into the mix. So I'd actually probably be pretty comfortable with it.

 

I wouldn't enter such a relationship though because I think the main issue would just be staying together as life and our different goals, opportunities, and objectives tried to tear us apart. Think how hard it is for just two people to stay together when one of them needs to change jobs or schools. Think about how hard it is to negotiate issues like children, money/budgets, where to live, and all the other relationship responsibilities. Honestly, I think just doing that fairly with one other person is hard enough. I can't personally see being able to make it work with two other people.

 

A good example is something that happened just a few days ago. I was with three of my closest friends, whom I love and care about very much, and I was happy and we were having fun, but we had a ridiculously difficult time deciding where to eat, where to go afterward, and generally what we were going to be doing for the evening. Usually only two of us could agree. At best we had three people agreeing (usually with one only lukewarm) and the other person disinclined to go with the option presented.

 

I think it would be very hard to negotiate day to day events with all three people in the relationship such that each is happy with the choices and decisions. I think when more is at stake, as it would be in a relationship, it would be even harder and more stressful.

 

So I wouldn't personally enter a threeway relationship because I think while it could definitely work in terms of the emotional fulfillment of everyone involved, and probably for the sexual/physical fulfillment as well, I think the simple practical stuff would be way too difficult.

 

I suppose if all three people are in a very settled place in their lives and have similar life plans and objectives it might be feasible.

 

-Kevin

[Tipdin]

Excellent situation to ponder.

 

Is it possible for a three-way relationship to last and be fulfilling for each of the parties involved? Yes, I believe it is. More important, is the, 'probable' part of the equation.

 

I'm not sure how relevant it is but I grew up in a multi-generational household. My mother's parents AND grandfather, my dad's father, my three siblings, their spouses and kids, - and the animal menagerie.

 

Ok, so we had a house full of people. Diabetes, lung cancer, blindness, physical disabilities, and retardation all played significant roles. Needs had to juggled and prioritized. One of the first and most lasting things I learned was that I did not come first; that some of the needs of others were more important than my own.

 

If that isn't a great foundation for someone in a "trilationship" I don't know what is.

 

That said, I think a "trilationship" could be a very rewarding situation. But the people involved need to be very conscious. It seems that the framework would have to be carefully worked out prior to the start. Communication - high quality communication, would be an essential ingredient.

 

Human emotions are very easily disrupted. For a trilationship to be successful, I would assume the people involved would have to be quite remarkable. I should like to know them.

 

And what constitutes success? What landmarks need to be passed to know things are on track? How are problems resolved? How are un-resolvable problems dealt with? And who gets to sleep in the middle? (I put dibs on that!)

 

Just living together for a hundred years doesn't mean that the situation was successful. Perhaps it may only last a decade but ended by way of mutual consent and happily ever afters. Children, for lack of a better description, are a big monkey wrench. Who's are they? Who gets them if there is a break up?

 

As I said, high quality communication and very conscious living seem to be paramount in such a situation. But I wouldn't be adverse to entering into something like that. I'm grounded well enough to weather some pretty hefty storms, but I certainly wouldn't enter into the trilationship without some VERY serious thought and planning.

 

There's no immorality or dishonor as far as I am concerned.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Tipdin

[LongGone]

I think it's doomed from the start in 99% of the cases. I see no good coming of it, nothing to be gained from it, and a world of hurt on at least one party because of it.

[JamesSavik]

I can't make two-way relationships work so you'll understand if I take a pass on this one.

[Prince Duchess]

My opinion on this topic might be a little biased.

 

I say this because i have been in a 3-way relationship about two years ago back in my junior year of high school. And honestly i didnt think it worked at first because the two were a couple at first and believe it or not it was a str8 couple (why i didnt think it would work). But, they were together for about year before they asked to be in the picture and the three of us lasted 6 months. Could've been longer but the two graduated and went off to college together. And sometimes when their back in town we all get together.

 

Now i will say its definitely not all gravy its alot that you need to work out (i.e jealous being the biggest one) But like with anyother relationship it takes teamwork you have to trust each other and be willing to work out your issues.

[Razor]

Yay, I has other people's opinions now!! It makes me happy!

 

I think I'd really like to try it if the opportunity presented itself and I truly thought that the people would be willing to work to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. I just somehow think that it would be so wonderfully loving and happy and interesting all the time, even during fights/problematic times. Yeah I'm weird, maybe I'm just an attention whore, but the idea really is starting to grow on me.

[hh5]

Ok - you're talking about three guys - not a bi-sexual relationship

 

One thought comes to my mine is Just hope its not a houseboi relationship?

 

Still its a matter of all three - each having an equal share of love with the other two.

 

I go for that - because it be a fair way if one of three pass away - the other partner wouldn't be alone.

I wouldn't like the idea of my partner being alone if I pass away.

 

But the trick still is the three consenting to be in a 3some.

 

Otherwise - it be doom to failure.

[SRevol]

It can work, you just need the right amount of communication, dedication, trust, and a goos schedule of " the altogether" vs "one on one time", because you need to strenght the bond! hehe

 

and i wonder...who is the ham in the sandwich? hehehe

[Sir Galahad]

Based on what I've seen it won't work. Have known 4 different sets of people try this & it fails everytime. Primary example of why, because 2 people got more attached & pushed the third out. Which is ok if your one of the two, not so hot if your the one pushed out!

I'm not saying it can't work, just that I've never known of any case where it has.

[Tiger]

Well, I'm certainly not looking for this type of relationship. It can be very messy. Plus, I have a hard enough time trusting one guy.

[Graeme]

I think it's doomed from the start in 99% of the cases. I see no good coming of it, nothing to be gained from it, and a world of hurt on at least one party because of it.

While I think your 99% figure is too high, I don't think it's far off the mark.

 

I believe such relationships can work and can be very fulfilling for the people involved, but the reasons it is so difficult have already been mentioned. You would need three people who:

 

1. Generally don't get jealous

2. Care more for the others than themselves

3. Have enough in common that they can do things as a threesome (and I'm not talking about sex). I've seen couples drift apart because they didn't spend enough time together (and couples that have broken up because they spent too much time together). With three people you have to balance the time spent as a threesome, time spent as three couple (AB, BC and AC) and time spent as three individuals

4. Communicate well enough that problems don't fester, either in an individual, or as a couple against the third, or by one against the other two.

 

All possible, but to get the right three people together is tough. Getting the right two people together is tough enough....

 

Personally, if I was single I would be open to the idea. My main criteria in a partner is that they love me. If I found two people who loved me and loved each other, then I think I would consider it.

[AFriendlyFace]

Excellent situation to ponder.

 

Is it possible for a three-way relationship to last and be fulfilling for each of the parties involved? Yes, I believe it is. More important, is the, 'probable' part of the equation.

 

I'm not sure how relevant it is but I grew up in a multi-generational household. My mother's parents AND grandfather, my dad's father, my three siblings, their spouses and kids, - and the animal menagerie.

 

Ok, so we had a house full of people. Diabetes, lung cancer, blindness, physical disabilities, and retardation all played significant roles. Needs had to juggled and prioritized. One of the first and most lasting things I learned was that I did not come first; that some of the needs of others were more important than my own.

 

If that isn't a great foundation for someone in a "trilationship" I don't know what is.

 

That said, I think a "trilationship" could be a very rewarding situation. But the people involved need to be very conscious. It seems that the framework would have to be carefully worked out prior to the start. Communication - high quality communication, would be an essential ingredient.

 

Human emotions are very easily disrupted. For a trilationship to be successful, I would assume the people involved would have to be quite remarkable. I should like to know them.

 

And what constitutes success? What landmarks need to be passed to know things are on track? How are problems resolved? How are un-resolvable problems dealt with? And who gets to sleep in the middle? (I put dibs on that!)

 

Just living together for a hundred years doesn't mean that the situation was successful. Perhaps it may only last a decade but ended by way of mutual consent and happily ever afters. Children, for lack of a better description, are a big monkey wrench. Who's are they? Who gets them if there is a break up?

 

As I said, high quality communication and very conscious living seem to be paramount in such a situation. But I wouldn't be adverse to entering into something like that. I'm grounded well enough to weather some pretty hefty storms, but I certainly wouldn't enter into the trilationship without some VERY serious thought and planning.

 

There's no immorality or dishonor as far as I am concerned.

 

Just wanted to say that I think everything you've said in the above post is very insightful and accurate!

[Krista]

A threeway relationship can work, but it would take a lot of effort and cooperation and really some luck as it would be difficult to manage time with three people. I mean its difficult for my friends and I to schedule outings, but I guess being in a relationship one is more determined to make outings work.

 

Anyway, as far as being a participant myself, it would have to be a special circumstance, and it would have to be a guy, guy, girl pairing and I think that's a bit selfish of me really.. lol. You also have to separate fantasy from relationships and realize that even though you may like two people and they may be good friends, the reality of the relationship may not be strong... even though one wants it to be (fantasy). And I agree with those who have said that it should be a for real threesome and not an open relationship. Person A, B, and C should all do everything together.. I mean in a two way relationship we don't go on dates by ourselves... so why leave you one person and go on a date with the other? Things like that would drive a wedge between the group eventually, even if there is a lot of trust involved. So all the variables in making a successful relationship is doubled and personally I've not been really good at managing a successful relationship with one person.

 

Later in life I think I'd be more prepared for something like that, when I'm more mature and settled within my own life. Right now I'm busy trying to figure out what I want to do, where I want to settle down and live, and really I wouldn't want to burden myself.

[AFriendlyFace]

Anyway, as far as being a participant myself, it would have to be a special circumstance, and it would have to be a guy, guy, girl pairing and I think that's a bit selfish of me really.. lol.

Hmm, well, I think I'd most enjoy a relationship with two other gay guys and that's what I was mostly thinking of. However, failing that I was actually thinking it would be a relationship with a couple of girls. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be with a girl and a bi-guy, however, that might not be so bad at all.

 

And I agree with those who have said that it should be a for real threesome and not an open relationship. Person A, B, and C should all do everything together.. I mean in a two way relationship we don't go on dates by ourselves... so why leave you one person and go on a date with the other? Things like that would drive a wedge between the group eventually, even if there is a lot of trust involved.

I disagree. I think it would need to be like Graeme said. Time spent by yourself, time spent with each of the other two people individually, and time spent with the other two people simultaneously.

 

I'm very big on alone time, and also on one-on-one time. In fact I can do lots of things and spend lots of time with people in a group setting, and I can get really attached to them that way, but I definitely bond the best with people when it's just the two of us one-on-one. I love spending time alone with people I care about. I think the all three people together part would be very important too, but I definitely think there would need to be a good individual dynamic going with each person as well.

[Demetz]

I'd say of course its possible that it can work...

 

And with that said I'll also go ahead and say its wildly improbable for it to work. It is hard enough to find two people with the compatibility and dedication to make a long term relationship with each other work happily. It becomes exponentially more complicated when you add in a third or more, for many of the reasons already pointed out.

 

You can lust for a number of people, be emotionally attracted to several, and even be in love with more than one person at the same time... but the thing is, while you may find yourself in a situation where you are in love with two or even several people, to make lifetime relationships happen between more than two people where we're talking about co-equals in a relationship and not the traditional polygamist family style with one man and several sister-wives... the complexities, the difficulties, the hurt feelings, and the changes that take place in the individuals over time make it radically improbable to be successful in the long term. You loving the two of them doesn't mean they'll feel that way about each other. Alternatively, they may feel too much for each other and too little for you and you'll find yourself an outsider in your own home. Also... if you're just coming together as friends who care a lot about each other... thats more a fraternal love even if you're having sex... the deep romantic love doesn't come about and because of that you might not feel as bad if the triad ends, and at the same time you may find it unfulfilling and end it yourself.

 

Personally... I can see the appeal to having several guys who im close friends with to spend time with emotionally and physically and it being a mutual understanding all around... but at the same time I wouldn't be feeling the deep spiritual closeness that comes with being with one person... i might care about them all, as I care about all my friends now... but the lack of any one of them to be my special someone would eventually push me to dating outside the group and try to find someone to be mine and mine alone and for whom i would be his and his alone.

[Mark Arbour]

I'd say that it could absolutely work, depending on how you define "Three-Way Relationship." Perhaps two of the people are more sexual with each other, while two of the others share a more friendship oriented bond? People get different things from relationships. It seems to me that as long as people were getting what they want out of it, they'd be happy.

[JamesSavik]

Three way relationships work all the time... until they are discovered and called affairs.

 

Then it's lawyers and private investigators and judges OH MY!

[Krista]

Hmm, well, I think I'd most enjoy a relationship with two other gay guys and that's what I was mostly thinking of. However, failing that I was actually thinking it would be a relationship with a couple of girls. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be with a girl and a bi-guy, however, that might not be so bad at all.

 

 

I disagree. I think it would need to be like Graeme said. Time spent by yourself, time spent with each of the other two people individually, and time spent with the other two people simultaneously.

 

I'm very big on alone time, and also on one-on-one time. In fact I can do lots of things and spend lots of time with people in a group setting, and I can get really attached to them that way, but I definitely bond the best with people when it's just the two of us one-on-one. I love spending time alone with people I care about. I think the all three people together part would be very important too, but I definitely think there would need to be a good individual dynamic going with each person as well.

 

 

I meant on like occasions like dates. If in a threeway relationship you're supposed to have this (sorry to sound hippy-ish) Triangle of love, not a love triangle.. lol. Its supposed to be equal on all sides. So like on dates, if they're supposed to love each member of the relationship equally, I would think times like that would call for all three people to be involved? It would be ok for light social gatherings to be split apart and such, but for the important relationship things like Dates I can't see how that could be appropriate to leave one person behind? But I guess if the relationship is a strong one, the one left out wouldn't feel left out and would be ok with the other two going on dates with out him or her.

 

Probably why I won't ever be in a three way relationship.. lol... I'd not want to be left out on dates..

[Krista]

Three way relationships work all the time... until they are discovered and called affairs.

 

Then it's lawyers and private investigators and judges OH MY!

 

 

And.. lol.

 

A Will and Grace episode had that sort of story-line for a few episodes.. Will's parents and Will's father's Mistress had an agreement to sneak around on one another to spice up all their relationships.

[Tipdin]

It is? You mean I done good?

 

Will you marry me?

 

Or at least tell my partner that I am FAR more wonderful than he says I am?

[KJames]

What about the odd situation given in one of the stories here: A guy falls in love with both of a set of twins, and they both love him as well...but he'll only have sex with each of them separately...

[Krista]

What about the odd situation given in one of the stories here: A guy falls in love with both of a set of twins, and they both love him as well...but he'll only have sex with each of them separately...

 

 

Then that's more of a open relationship where the guy has a relationship with two people.. but those two people don't have a relationship with one another.. so they're not connected romantically..?

[KJames]

Then that's more of a open relationship where the guy has a relationship with two people.. but those two people don't have a relationship with one another.. so they're not connected romantically..?

 

On the contrary, the twins fool around with each other, too, and are nearly identical in mannerisms...to the point of being nearly the same person in two bodies--I wouldn't be surprised if they're telepathic, they talk the same--often finishing each other's sentences, they look the same, they are identical, except in how they each physically make love to this other person in their lives...one loves his hair, the other loves his ass...they kiss the same way, they taste the same--even their cum, they smell the same, they even laugh the same. When the sex is done, the other twin goes in and cuddles so that they are all three together when falling asleep--all three of them sleep together, all the time.

Edited March 10, 2009 by kjames

[AFriendlyFace]

I'd say that it could absolutely work, depending on how you define "Three-Way Relationship." Perhaps two of the people are more sexual with each other, while two of the others share a more friendship oriented bond? People get different things from relationships. It seems to me that as long as people were getting what they want out of it, they'd be happy.

You're right; that does make sense.

 

I meant on like occasions like dates. If in a threeway relationship you're supposed to have this (sorry to sound hippy-ish) Triangle of love, not a love triangle.. lol. Its supposed to be equal on all sides. So like on dates, if they're supposed to love each member of the relationship equally, I would think times like that would call for all three people to be involved? It would be ok for light social gatherings to be split apart and such, but for the important relationship things like Dates I can't see how that could be appropriate to leave one person behind? But I guess if the relationship is a strong one, the one left out wouldn't feel left out and would be ok with the other two going on dates with out him or her.

 

Probably why I won't ever be in a three way relationship.. lol... I'd not want to be left out on dates..

Well, perhaps I don't hold dates in high enough esteem. I would say that would be more true of like special dates. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, that sort of thing. A typical sort of date though I think is different. In fact these are the sorts of things where I think it would be good for two of the three to spend time one on one. Of course all three together on a date makes sense too, but I don't think it should be like that every time.