Elijah

[Conner]

Conner you're the only person who confuses me the most on this site.

 

 

Good! We're even then!

[MikeL]

Actually, The False King is very pivotal for the storyline. Regardless if his scene was quite short, he does enough to confirm the unconfirmed. It also lets the reader know that my country of Elijah is not perfect, where there are kings, so tread tyrants. So maybe another read over might be good. But who knows, Lucas Extollere's power may exceed past the stone walls of Jarvaxia, maybe...maybe not.

Isn't David a type of Lucas Extollere? A false king who killed his father to gain the throne?

 

Lucas Extollere used forbidden magic to become king. David used the magic of others for the same end. Perhaps David is being used by others.

[David McLeod]

Chapter 6 is a study in contrasts, and needs to be read at more than one level. Chase is showing us just how good (and deep) he is.

 

Jeremy reaches a critical point in his life when the boys are camped at the ruins just before entering Venz and he thinks, "I accepted the fact that I was theirs to command now, even more than before." That's a powerful line, and perhaps the psychological climax of this chapter.

 

Jeremy's brief thought of suicide, and the notion that he wants to "rid himself of sin" as had the dancer, was very interesting, and shows, I think, more development of his character: he believes he has done at least something wrong: not contacting his family, perhaps; not telling anyone about the dreams, perhaps. It's good for Jeremy to have a little guilt.

 

Venz and the Venz are becoming quite a story of contrasts: nearly invisible and nearly invincible warriors, but a young human who is, apparently, quite human; shadowy magic and physical, edged weapons.

 

The woman on the bridge criticized Jeremy for bringing a "filthy weapon" (his pistol) into Venz; on the other side of the border, the people of Elijah think the magic of Venz is anathema. That is a very interesting touch.

[Jack Frost]

Why have I put myself into this? I was up from midnight until close to 7am reading this... novel...

 

Now I'll have to revive vicious old memories of me waiting *(im)patiently* for a new chapter each week.

 

That's just f**ked up. It's like me not having a cigarette for a week. NOW I hate not having any for more than a day. A week alone... I'll be one hyper and moody bitch trying to smoke a newspaper at the end. I guess in this case for Chase's story, I'd be trying to smoke my Chase Bank credit card.

 

You're screwed, Chase. :mace:

 

 

 

Overall, I enjoyed it. I didn't know it was a magical story (in some way) until I went chapter after chapter. Nice way to trick me thinking it's a non-fantasy in the first place. I don't have much comment yet, but I adore how this is going right now. I'm stuck... just like I'd said a few minutes ago. Nice way to trick me thinking it was Caleb that did Jeremy (well, kinda... the chapter cut me off from the possible gooey details), but it was Braden.

 

I did notice the British English overtones, but I'd like to mention that "traveled" is "travelled".

 

And titles are capitalized, such as "My Prince", "The King", etc. Maybe you did it on purpose, but I'm oftentimes anal with capitalization. Your story... Just commenting what caught my eyes.

 

9.5/10.

 

Yes, I went to force myself to read this, just for you, sweet Chase.

Edited August 22, 2009 by Jack Frost

[MikeL]

Now I'll have to revive vicious old memories of me waiting *(im)patiently* for a new chapter each week.

 

That's just f**ked up. It's like me not having a cigarette for a week.

 

Jack, Chase has been posting new chapters more frequently than weekly. Take a deep breath. Relax. His school schedule may change his posting frequency, but no need to fret just yet.

 

I did notice the British English overtones, but I'd like to mention that "traveled" is "travelled".

The correct spelling is "traveled". It is spelled with two l's in the UK, but Chase lives in a different kingdom. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/traveled

[thatboyChase]

Obviously MikeL is my publicist, or executive assistant.

 

The correct spelling is "traveled". It is spelled with two l's in the UK, but Chase lives in a different kingdom. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/traveled

 

I did notice the British English overtones, but I'd like to mention that "traveled" is "travelled".

 

Interesting you mentioned this, both David McLeod and MikeL edit for me and usually I will get British and US grammar structure fights when looking at both editing formats. But yeah, MikeL is right, I'll stick to American English hahaha.

 

And titles are capitalized, such as "My Prince", "The King", etc. Maybeyou did it on purpose, but I'm oftentimes anal with capitalization.Your story... Just commenting what caught my eyes.

 

Actually, David was informing me that if they are referred to like that is it not in caps. I don't know if he can shed some light on this. Using a cap would mean some sort of formal address, I suspect. I've come to only capitalize the title when it is being formally addressed, instead of some urchin saying, "Oh, my prince." etc.

 

But I'm glad you enjoyed it and chapter 7 should be around the corner sometime soon.

[MikeL]

Obviously MikeL is my publicist, or executive assistant.

I am honored, I think.

[thatboyChase]

I am honored, I think.

 

You should be.

 

Update: Currently working on Chapter 7 as I post this, just taking a small break. So hopefully that'll be up soon adoring fans... or like my 3 adoring fans.

[Benji]

You should be.

 

Update: Currently working on Chapter 7 as I post this, just taking a small break. So hopefully that'll be up soon adoring fans... or like my 3 adoring fans.

 

............Don't be so modest, I counted at least 4!!

[MikeL]

............Don't be so modest, I counted at least 4!!

 

 

[Jack Frost]

Actually, David was informing me that if they are referred to like that is it not in caps. I don't know if he can shed some light on this. Using a cap would mean some sort of formal address, I suspect. I've come to only capitalize the title when it is being formally addressed, instead of some urchin saying, "Oh, my prince." etc.

I didn't think of it until now. Maybe you'll understand why since I'm so used to reading "the Queen"/"la Reine" in various sources of Canadian news. :S

 

:D

[David McLeod]

...David was informing me that if they are referred to like that is it not in caps. I don't know if he can shed some light on this.

 

Let there be light. The rule I've found most often (and, since there is no canonical source, I look for consensus) is that titles are capitalized only when used with a name or a domain ("King John" or "King of Hearts") or when used in place of a name ("Look, King, you may be king, but I'm the grammarian, here.")

 

Jack Frost is correct that expressions such as "My Prince" are equivalent to "Your Majesty," and both words are capitalized. I missed some of those in Chase's story. Which is one reason I urge all writers to have at least two editors.

 

 

[Jack Frost]

Well, basically it is a title as the same as calling people "Sir", "Madam", "Mister", etc. Likewise for saying "The King" over "the king", since it actually refers to the actual sovereign of a domain instead of a king in general ("The King has died." vs "Some kings never die as they are forever immortalized in history and memories").

 

Thanks for helping me to clear up a grey area of grammar.

[old bob]

I just finished to read all the 6 chapters one after the other at the same time. I like it very much, I didnt want to stop.

Now I have to explain to myself why I found this story, the characters, the world they are living in, so amazing () : coolness, vivacity, simplicity, sometimes brilliancy...

Its like finding a fountain of fresh, crystal-clear water in the middle of the desert !

It remembers me the tales of knights and wizards I was listening in my bed before to fall asleep, when I was 5 or 6 .

[thatboyChase]

Glad you're enjoying it bob.

 

The newest installment, Chapter 7: The Black Dawn has arrived. Enjoy.

[Nephylim]

This story has so many surprises, so many twists. I think I know what is going on and where it is going and then the rug is pulled out from under me again.

 

The main thing is that the characters are believable and I care about them. Despite the fact that Caleb can be cold and frustrating, and that Braden can be a complete brat and pain in the ass, and that Jeremy can be a dithering wimp... they can all be brave and noble, confused and afraid... in short human and therefore understandable and likable.

 

The last part of that chapter, even though it is a dream, is a complete shock. It tends to suggest that Caleb is a bad guy after all.. but I know better than to assume that now.

 

Brilliant Chase.

[Benji]

This story has so many surprises, so many twists. I think I know what is going on and where it is going and then the rug is pulled out from under me again.

 

The main thing is that the characters are believable and I care about them. Despite the fact that Caleb can be cold and frustrating, and that Braden can be a complete brat and pain in the ass, and that Jeremy can be a dithering wimp... they can all be brave and noble, confused and afraid... in short human and therefore understandable and likable.

 

The last part of that chapter, even though it is a dream, is a complete shock. It tends to suggest that Caleb is a bad guy after all.. but I know better than to assume that now.

 

Brilliant Chase.

 

...........How interesting that in the previous chapter, Jeremy is in agreement that he is theirs to command. Yet in this chapter, with his new 'revelations' he now is questioning the royals, is no longer awed, in fact is somewhat arrogant towards them. Someone suggested that perhaps Jeremy is the result of the Kings affair. It now seems even more likely with David soon to be gone, and the dead reporters words that Caleb could not be. Is Braden Jeremy's defender?

[MikeL]

Chapter 7 is broad ranging and an apparent turning point in the story. Our heroes are no longer running for their lives...they are now the aggressors. A lot of action reveals a real chance for success in their overcoming the evil that has captured Elijah.

 

The final scene is disturbing. Has Jeremy become a prophet of events he does not want to see? Or does he just have a vivid imagination? We must hope it is the latter. It is now obvious that Jeremy is not a pawn in some plot; he was not framed for assassination as I once expected. How far above that will he rise? Will he be a hero? Will he be king?

 

Great chapter...great story, Chase!

[Conner]

There's hope for this story yet. There was a kiss in that chapter!

[KJames]

Chapter 7 is broad ranging and an apparent turning point in the story. Our heroes are no longer running for their lives...they are now the aggressors. A lot of action reveals a real chance for success in their overcoming the evil that has captured Elijah.

 

The final scene is disturbing. Has Jeremy become a prophet of events he does not want to see? Or does he just have a vivid imagination? We must hope it is the latter. It is now obvious that Jeremy is not a pawn in some plot; he was not framed for assassination as I once expected. How far above that will he rise? Will he be a hero? Will he be king?

 

Great chapter...great story, Chase!

 

Mike L, re: Jeremy.

 

Often in stories where the protagonist becomes the executor of a phrophecy or foretelling, they are unwitting, if not unwilling. In Jeremy's case, he is unwitting, but apparently not unwilling.

[thatboyChase]

There's hope for this story yet. There was a kiss in that chapter!

 

I did that only with the thoughts of you, Conner.

 

Mike L, re: Jeremy.

 

Often in stories where the protagonist becomes the executor of aphrophecy or foretelling, they are unwitting, if not unwilling. InJeremy's case, he is unwitting, but apparently not unwilling.

 

Glad you picked up on this, you also spelled prophecy wrong (teehee!). However, that is true in most cases I guess.

 

This spoiler is previous chapters, if you have no read through 7, do not read this spoiler.

 

 

While writing Jeremy, I really wanted to pick up on the unsung "POSSIBILITY" of him being a hero. It makes good sense that with prophecy, foretelling and fate that it happens unnaturally, however naturally to the storyline. However, the scene at the end of chapter 7 is a alternate reality/twilight vision if you will. Jeremy's visions have come true on previous occasions (see: Kings death) - it was vague, so, I did it that same way to. However other visions have and have no come true, or.. have come true in a different way, however meaning the same. The point is; Jeremy is the 'divine' hero if you will. He is there because a greater good pushed him in that direction, he might not be as handsome as Braden, or cunning like Caleb or stoic as Seline and Rodef, but he has that pent up act of leadership and possibly the leader of a country. But who knows? I don't! Haven't written chapter 8 yet! That wasn't much of a spoiler, kind of I guess, but I hope I explained that right. I didn't want my hero to be souly immortal, if you will. Whatever, I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

[Nephylim]

I think the trick of making a really good reluctant hero is to make him flawed, make him ordinary, make people believe that he is just like them because then, in the reading, as he rises so does the hope that if he can become a hero, so can we. And that is precisely what you are doing.

[Conner]

I did that only with the thoughts of you, Conner.

 

 

A sheer act of kindness that shall not go unrewarded.

[Jack Frost]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

 

*uploadssavesreadslaterbecauseihaznonetathome*

 

 

 

Where is my PM?

 

[Marco Polo]

Holy wow. See I was thinking that I would wait until you had a few chapters up and then start reading it, I normally wouldnt have done so but the reviews you were getting were mighty praise indeed and I wanted a good chunk to read.

 

I was blown away. Chase this is amazing I'm totally and completely immersed. I hadn't originally thought that it would contain mystical elements but I was totally wrong. Heh, I'm at a loss for words really.

 

p.s: Uriel, nice little archangel slip in there.