Elijah

[thatboyChase]

I have recently posted my first story - Elijah - please review and enjoy as you see fit. More chapters to come of course. I really enjoyed creating this world and creating vivid cities, characters and hero's that litter the world of the Oak. Be you with the legions of Venz or from the Court of Cathedral, please leave your discussions here.

 

Comments, suggestions, story plot, characters. Anything is welcome. I look forward to discussing my story with you all. Thanks alot!

[MikeL]

This is an intriguing story set in an anachronistic realm. Unlike other first-day-at-a-new-school stories, the central character is quite sure of himself until he meets the first of his peers. "Peer" isn't exactly the correct word, but Jeremy is blissfully ignorant until it's too late to be a proper subject. Can he redeem himself or will events carry him far beyond redemption?

 

David McLeod's review is right. This is a thinking person's story.

 

Lay another one on us, Chase.

[Mark Arbour]

Nicely done Chase. I like the way you let us in to Jeremy's mind just enough to start to get to know him.

[ThePhallocrat]

Like the others, I think the blending of familiar albeit wildly different genres and settings makes this story really stand out. I'm certainly interested in the history of this world and in how the story will proceed. Good work!

[thatboyChase]

Chapter 2 is now up - please enjoy! Elijah

[Zeoanne]

Hey Chase! That was a very entertaining chapter 2! Note: There are two comments left by the editor still there!! Plus, I noticed that since you had posted "coming soon" on 2 & 3 the post on announcements didn't go up, my suggestion? delete 3 so when you post it it will be on top instead of getting buried deeper and deeper as others post their chapters.

 

I see not too many things coming along at the Fair. Could it be that Braden won't show up or perhaps he has plans for Jeremy, perhaps to use him as his "scum" boy/maid?

Edited August 6, 2009 by Rush

[MikeL]

Jeremy is getting acclimated nicely to school. Then Braden enters his life. Braden reminds him of his lowly level in the Elijah pecking order...reminds him explicitly as well as by his (Braden's) own demeanor. Why then would Braden invite Jeremy to attend the fair with his family? Perhaps Braden isn't put off by Jeremy's lack of pedigree or perhaps he is attracted by it.

[thatboyChase]

Hey Chase! That was a very entertaining chapter 2! Note: There are two comments left by the editor still there!! Plus, I noticed that since you had posted "coming soon" on 2 & 3 the post on announcements didn't go up, my suggestion? delete 3 so when you post it it will be on top instead of getting buried deeper and deeper as others post their chapters.

 

I see not too many things coming along at the Fair. Could it be that Braden won't show up or perhaps he has plans for Jeremy, perhaps to use him as his "scum" boy/maid?

 

I found that was an issue and I was planning on doing that, good idea though and thanks for reading!

 

I actually went through and changed it just now, thanks Rush.

[David McLeod]

Hey Chase! That was a very entertaining chapter 2! Note: There are two comments left by the editor still there!! Plus, I noticed that since you had posted "coming soon" on 2 & 3 the post on announcements didn't go up, my suggestion? delete 3 so when you post it it will be on top instead of getting buried deeper and deeper as others post their chapters.

 

I see not too many things coming along at the Fair. Could it be that Braden won't show up or perhaps he has plans for Jeremy, perhaps to use him as his "scum" boy/maid?

 

 

What Rush has said is an indication of the complexity of the story and the characters: each nexus can lead in so many different directions. This is the way to write a cliffhanger...it is subtle, intellectual, and smooth.

[MikeL]

I have to agree with David on the matter of subtle cliffhangers. They may be so subtle that some readers will not recognize them as such. I, of course, have significant experience in cliffhangers having contended with a certain goat on the issue for several years.

[David McLeod]

I have to agree with David on the matter of subtle cliffhangers. They may be so subtle that some readers will not recognize them as such. I, of course, have significant experience in cliffhangers having contended with a certain goat on the issue for several years.

 

 

Thanks for your citation. If I kiss you, do you turn into a beautiful prince? (Is this off topic?)

[thatboyChase]

Thanks for the comments guys.

 

Chapter 3 is up! Here!

[MikeL]

Thanks for your citation. If I kiss you, do you turn into a beautiful prince? (Is this off topic?)

The topic is Chase's writing, including cliffhangers.

 

Edited August 10, 2009 by MikeL

[MikeL]

Chapter three is another interesting one. Chase is weaving many new characters into the story, and the main character, Jeremy, appears to be adjusting to the milieu into which he has been unexpectedly thrust. He meets more royalty and nobility, including the plain spoken Princess Lidia and the enigmatic young Prince Caleb.

 

Portalis was never like this. (Even Orange County is not like this. )

[PlugInMatty]

Well I finally got around to reading it, Chase. And you know what? I really liked it. I usually don't read outside the realm modern fiction/real world settings, but your writing style is really accessible and I enjoy this immensely as a result.

 

The story's purpose isn't 100% clear yet, but I get the feeling that Jeremy's encounters with royalty are more by design than by chance. I think that's what you might have been alluding to in Jeremy's conversation with Caleb, as well. If that's the case, I'm intrigued. Even if I'm wrong, I'm still drawn in by Jeremy's bemused view of the world around him.

 

Overall, nice style.

 

Look forward to reading more.

[David McLeod]

<snip>I usually don't read outside the realm modern fiction/real world settings, but your writing style is really accessible and I enjoy this immensely as a result.

<snip>

 

Matty, and all,

I think the reason you and others can enjoy this story, despite a preference for the real world, is that Chase's world incorporates so many elements that are contemporary, plausable, and logical that his fictional world seems very much a real world. His talent for descriptive writing and creating imagery is a large part of that, as well.

[thatboyChase]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

 

Chapter 4 is now live - you can view it here.

[Benji]

................An interesting story where a medieval kingdom is set in the 21st century. Poor Jeremy is thrust into the intrigue and mystique from the start, I'm sure his father and teacher are somewhat involved. It is puzzling to me that Jeremy is not aware whom Prince David or Lord Braden are, yet recognizes almost everyone else including Prince Caleb. What little knowledge he is armed with, it allows him to mingle with a free abandon to protocol. Yet still not sensing the trap, he is whisked down the rabbit hole with Caleb and cohorts in wonderland. Will Jeremy be able to whisper the plot against the kingdom in time to save the throne?

[thatboyChase]

Thanks for the various comments.

 

Readers: I am looking for solid, specific feedback. The above is perfectly fine, however I am looking for likes and dislikes so I can improve my writing and or the process in which I write Elijah.

 

So any discussion on characters, plot etc would be helpful. Be it these four chapters or the upcoming chapters. Thanks alot.

[Benji]

Thanks for the various comments.

 

Readers: I am looking for solid, specific feedback. The above is perfectly fine, however I am looking for likes and dislikes so I can improve my writing and or the process in which I write Elijah.

 

So any discussion on characters, plot etc would be helpful. Be it these four chapters or the upcoming chapters. Thanks alot.

 

......It would be hard to judge (likes & dislikes) at this point other then the 'elitist', Jeremy is so far removed from this group that they are initially taking advantage of him is that obvious. It is a bit hard to define the other characters at this time, other then Caleb is a user, Braden is a follower and Prince David is a pragmatist in the kingdom. Where Jeremy fits in is anyone's guess at this time. But he is involved as either a pawn in foreplay of the lower court, or a knight in the impending battle played forth in the treacherous scene unfolding about. You want definitions? David is the sturdy one, and will lead his people with an open eye. Caleb is dangerous because he is highly intelligent, but just seeks gratification in his quest, Braden is a follower with no direction as he was just playing a game. Jeremy-Kings knight to Kings pawn three.

Edited August 15, 2009 by Benji

[MikeL]

I would call David a conspirator rather than a pragmatist. I think Jeremy is a pawn. Of course, he's having too good a time to realize that.

 

All the characters in this story are interesting and the character development is impressive. No doubt there is more to most of the characters which is being withheld at this point in order to heighten the mystery. That brings us to the plot (the story plot, not the coup plot). The plot is developing and moving along at a fast pace. There is a range of possibilities from where the story currently stands, which further adds to the mystery.

 

Nicely done. Anticipating more.

[David McLeod]

... not sensing the trap, [Jeremy] is whisked down the rabbit hole with Caleb and cohorts in wonderland...

 

Ah, the benefits of a classical education. I'd not seen the "Alice in Wonderland" metaphor. Thanks. [Chase: I know this isn't the feedback for which you are looking.]

Edited August 15, 2009 by David McLeod

[MikeL]

It is puzzling to me that Jeremy is not aware whom Prince David or Lord Braden are, yet recognizes almost everyone else including Prince Caleb. What little knowledge he is armed with, it allows him to mingle with a free abandon to protocol.

Reading this a second time provoked a strange but intriguing thought: What would happen if our author suddenly found himself in a room with only one other person...Prince William?

 

[thatboyChase]

Reading this a second time provoked a strange but intriguing thought: What would happen if our author suddenly found himself in a room with only one other person...Prince William?

 

 

Thanks for all the thoughts everyone, even the speculations. I'm trying to insert enough mystery to keep both myself, the reader and the characters guessing several steps ahead. I hopefully won't disappoint.

 

And MikeL; Probably nothing. In regards to William.

[David McLeod]

I just read Chapter 4 for perhaps the fifth time. There's so much to read...layer upon layer. The one word that best describes this chapter is "conflict." Jeremy is facing at least two "approach-approach" dilemmas: Braden-Caleb and royalty-commoner. Chase plays them both well. Conflict betweed the heir apparent and his father festers and then boils; and Chase plays this well, too. Oh, and I think it would require a tesseract, rather than a triangle, to describe some of the love (and other) relationships between and among the characters. And I thought I'd left the critical reading of literature behind when I graduated from university.