How do you approach someone?

[Ashi]

Background: I've had guys who sent mix signals to me. They turned out not gay. This is VERY frustrating. I'm not going to fall for straight guys then get myself hurt. I've never been physically hurt before because of it (never say never, however...), but psychological pain is killing me. They could have been my best friends if I kept hiding my feeling toward them.Question 1: How do you approach someone you don't even know if he's gay or not?

 

Question 1: How do you approach a guy if you don't even know if he's gay.

 

The question really is, how do you make him confess to you without offending him. He might still be in the closet or has good reason not to admit he is gay.

 

Question 2: How do you approach a guy if he is most likely gay?

 

I won't take two guys at once, obviously, but I need to confirm something so I won't get hurt. I need to approach them somehow (hopefully only one guy is gay and interested, then everything would be easy). Thanks in advance.

 

Question 3: What if guy No. 1 is your ex-best friend? It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not, you still want to be his friend again, because you do like him a little too much for your own good....

[Linxe Termoil]

Uhm...hrm...Honestly, if i was you, I'd just move on and not worry about it. if they know that you're gay and they are interested in you, then they can figure out how to approach you.

 

But by all means, please feel free to flirt your butt off if you want.

 

 

Regards,

 

Me

[KJames]

Background: I've had guys who sent mix signals to me. They turned out not gay. This is VERY frustrating. I'm not going to fall for straight guys then get myself hurt. I've never been physically hurt before because of it (never say never, however...), but psychological pain is killing me. They could have been my best friends if I kept hiding my feeling toward them.Question 1: How do you approach someone you don't even know if he's gay or not?

 

Question 1: How do you approach a guy if you don't even know if he's gay.

 

The question really is, how do you make him confess to you without offending him. He might still be in the closet or has good reason not to admit he is gay.

 

Question 2: How do you approach a guy if he is most likely gay?

 

I won't take two guys at once, obviously, but I need to confirm something so I won't get hurt. I need to approach them somehow (hopefully only one guy is gay and interested, then everything would be easy). Thanks in advance.

 

Question 3: What if guy No. 1 is your ex-best friend? It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not, you still want to be his friend again, because you do like him a little too much for your own good....

 

Lemme take #3, the last one, first...and I hate to answer a question with a couple of questions, but it does beg for it: What broke up the friendship? Do you think, or does he give any indication, that it's possible to repair the friendship? Does he seem lonely since that loss?

 

#2 and #1: Start by trying to be a friend...be observant of attitudes, likes and dislikes...above all: Pay attention. You can't tell if someone's gay if they don't display the fact, sometimes even if they do act 'gay'--whatever that is--so you have to become a 'fly on the wall' and see what's going on. Some will disagree, but if you met me, for example, you'd never know...really....jeans, t-shirt, beard whiskers, a little extra wieght...it just doesn't scream, "I'm GAY!" at anyone. Once you've got an idea of these people's attitudes on LGBT issues, then you can decide your next choice of action.

[Ashi]

Lemme take #3, the last one, first...and I hate to answer a question with a couple of questions, but it does beg for it: What broke up the friendship? Do you think, or does he give any indication, that it's possible to repair the friendship? Does he seem lonely since that loss?

 

This is too private to talk about in public. I'll PM you for it. I don't think he'll appreciate it if I let the whole world know. It'll just kill my chance to ever get back to him.

 

I don't know whether he's lonely or not. It's hard to tell if the guy is an online friend, right? I do know I am the one who is really lonely since I left him.

 

#2 and #1: Start by trying to be a friend...be observant of attitudes, likes and dislikes...above all: Pay attention. You can't tell if someone's gay if they don't display the fact, sometimes even if they do act 'gay'--whatever that is--so you have to become a 'fly on the wall' and see what's going on. Some will disagree, but if you met me, for example, you'd never know...really....jeans, t-shirt, beard whiskers, a little extra weight...it just doesn't scream, "I'm GAY!" at anyone. Once you've got an idea of these people's attitudes on LGBT issues, then you can decide your next choice of action.

 

Thanks. I learned that the hard way. Ex #1 acted like he had the biggest crush on me (shy around me, cried when we separated). Ending..., married a woman, so I know appearance can be deceiving. The guy #2 has a little bit of gut (though he is still the most gorgeous guy on Planet Earth). The thing is, I'm not very good at making friends. I never know what to say, and that makes people think I'm stuck up or unfriendly (you guys meet me online, so you don't know how painfully shy I am). Interesting enough, nowadays I have less problem being in a large group than one-on-one, since such communication is so impersonal.

 

And thanks Linxe..., I've been a wallflower for too long, and it's been taking toll on me, that's why I am taking steps nowadays. I'm not getting younger.... I've been told I was playing with love, once. WTF.... I was not even interested in him. So I've been very careful not sending the wrong vibe, but being an ice queen is not helping! I've been killing my own happiness for ten years now. I don't wanna be a graceful lady but end up being a vase. Have you watched Miss Austen Regrets? Very decorated life Jane Austen had. Died a lonely lady.

 

In any case, I'll ditch my dignity and write an email to Guy #1. If he ignored me or flamed me, that's still better than being cursed like this. I'll take my chance. I can't believe I let a guy affect me like this. Stupid.

 

Hmm..., interesting. I just noticed Guy #1 is a parallel to Ex #1, and Guy #2 is analogous to Ex #2, and I chose personality over look both times. I hope this time it's not gonna be the same result.

Edited September 19, 2009 by Ashi

[Prince Duchess]

 

Thanks. I learned that the hard way. Ex #1 acted like he had the biggest crush on me (shy around me, cried when we separated). Ending..., married a woman, so I know appearance can be deceiving. The guy #2 has a little bit of gut (though he is still the most gorgeous guy on Planet Earth). The thing is, I'm not very good at making friends. I never know what to say, and that makes people think I'm stuck up or unfriendly (you guys meet me online, so you don't know how painfully shy I am). Interesting enough, nowadays I have less problem being in a large group than one-on-one, since such communication is so impersonal.

 

Ok you have no idea of how much of me you sounded like about never knowing what to say, and being shy around people and them thinking your unfreindly. Thats a confidence issue and I still have it from time to time still but im slowly getting over it. You think you dont know what to say but you just have to open up a little. And just do it. Honestly, its as simple as that you just have to reply. Even mmhmm or a oh ok. Because your still engaging in a conversation and you'll become more comfortable.

 

 

But as far as your question like #3: What made the friend become an ex-friend? And I hate to be the one to say this but just because hes married doesnt mean hes not interested. Some guys use it as a cover. My dad did it for awhile there are plenty of guys that are just scared to come out or even want it to be true within themselves. But just think about is it worth going back to past times?

 

As far as noticing gays you really have to watch. Like think what do you do? Watch how they walk, what there looking at. Just be really attentive. Personally, I look at the speed of how some people walk and mostly I see that gay guys happen to walk faster then straight guys. Oh and also know that they'll be looking at you too, looking for other gays around the area.

 

 

 

I hope I could be of some help,

 

 

 

Prince`

 

 

[Y_B]

Background: I've had guys who sent mix signals to me. They turned out not gay. This is VERY frustrating. I'm not going to fall for straight guys then get myself hurt. I've never been physically hurt before because of it (never say never, however...), but psychological pain is killing me. They could have been my best friends if I kept hiding my feeling toward them.Question 1: How do you approach someone you don't even know if he's gay or not?

 

Question 1: How do you approach a guy if you don't even know if he's gay.

 

The question really is, how do you make him confess to you without offending him. He might still be in the closet or has good reason not to admit he is gay.

 

Question 2: How do you approach a guy if he is most likely gay?

 

I won't take two guys at once, obviously, but I need to confirm something so I won't get hurt. I need to approach them somehow (hopefully only one guy is gay and interested, then everything would be easy). Thanks in advance.

 

Question 3: What if guy No. 1 is your ex-best friend? It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not, you still want to be his friend again, because you do like him a little too much for your own good....

 

I'll try 1 & 2.

You can't approach a guy as you would a girl the same way if you have no clue where his interests lie. What I do is, I just try to be friendly, watch for signs, give subtle hints, etc and see what happens then. It's really all about paying attention to how he acts, what he says and his body language. I've realized that is someone is into you, even if he is in the closet, you can pick it up though interaction if you're keen enough. So if a guy likes you, you can try to see if he's interested. If he is, then you'll know. If he's not, then there's hardly any point in finding out whether he's gay or not.

Edited September 21, 2009 by Yang Bang

[David McLeod]

...Start by trying to be a friend...

 

Best advice I've seen on this site. It's true for any relationship between any two people of any gender/orientation/libido.

[Ashi]

The case is closed. I'm back as his friend. I do not expect more unless he expressed something. I am fine as the way it is.

 

Thank you guys for the advice.

 

Yes, start everything from a simple friendship. I don't think I could ever do a hook up. I fall in love hard, but I don't fall in love quick. I don't trust strangers, I guess....

[AFriendlyFace]

Well, I approach everyone the same way: with a smile and an open mind.

 

 

I don't really worry about whether or not the guy is gay. If I'm significantly attracted to him I tend to assume automatically that he is and I'm almost always right. That's because I'm primarily attracted to gay guys. The only ones that ever throw me are the sensitive/metrosexual/artistic straight guys.

 

To answer # 1 though, I would say the absolute best way is to come out yourself. I'm completely "out" and if I meet someone and he doesn't let me know in some way then I don't waste my time, because I figure either he's straight and there's no point, or he's in the closet and he's probably not ready to come out. If he is in the closet then that doesn't automatically preclude me from dating him. I'm willing to as long as he's comfortable in "gay settings" and around GLBT people at least, even if he won't come out in the straight world. However, either way I figure it's his responsibility to 'out' himself to me, and not my place to out him.

 

# 2 is, as I said, the same way I pretty much approach everyone, and virtually all the guys I approach I assume are gay. Regardless, I'm just friendly, a bit flirty perhaps, and just feel him out to see if he's seeing anyone and if not if he's at all interested.

 

# 3, I have a pretty rigid rule about not dating friends. I'm willing to be friends with people I've dated, but not generally the other way around. I figure good friendships are too important to jeopardize in this way. For me there's a fairly narrow window when I meet someone. If things don't go in a romantic/physical/sexual direction fairly soon after I meet them then they enter the "friend zone" and that's about all they'll ever get out of me. I'm sure there's always the possibility that there will be an exception, or even multiple exceptions, in the future, but that's the way I've always conducted things up until now and I've found that it works quite nicely.

 

 

Anyway, I'm really glad you got things worked out with your friend!

 

-Kevin

 

 

 

Background: I've had guys who sent mix signals to me. They turned out not gay. This is VERY frustrating. I'm not going to fall for straight guys then get myself hurt. I've never been physically hurt before because of it (never say never, however...), but psychological pain is killing me. They could have been my best friends if I kept hiding my feeling toward them.Question 1: How do you approach someone you don't even know if he's gay or not?

 

Question 1: How do you approach a guy if you don't even know if he's gay.

 

The question really is, how do you make him confess to you without offending him. He might still be in the closet or has good reason not to admit he is gay.

 

Question 2: How do you approach a guy if he is most likely gay?

 

I won't take two guys at once, obviously, but I need to confirm something so I won't get hurt. I need to approach them somehow (hopefully only one guy is gay and interested, then everything would be easy). Thanks in advance.

 

Question 3: What if guy No. 1 is your ex-best friend? It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not, you still want to be his friend again, because you do like him a little too much for your own good....