Am I wrong?

[Tiger]

So I'm glad that my adoptive father died four years ago. Am I wrong to think that way? For anyone who doesn't know, he did some terrible things. I explained in detail in this blog entry a long time ago, and I was wondering if people think I'm wrong for being glad that he died.

[Menorain]

Hmmm this is a tough one.

 

Well, all I can say is that holding a grudge at this point will only hurt you, it's better to let go of these things. Buuuut it's all relative. Whether you or glad or not is neither the wrong nor right feeling.

 

 

Hmmm I dunno.

[Hylas]

I am like your adoptive cousin (or whatever the term is). Thankfully not by a relative. That's all I'll say about that, water under the bridge, and I still can't answer the question for you.

[Bleu]

Four years may seem like a long time to be still wondering about this, but what he has done has damaged the victims for their entire lives. Time is a healer, but it works slowly...

 

It seems to me that your question stems from guilt: guilt that you didn't see what was going on and therefore were unable to stop it; maybe some guilt that you stuck by your mother when she stuck by him afterwards; guilt for feeling relieved that he died...

 

I wish I could just say "don't trouble yourself with this" but it's never that easy.

 

I answered "No" to the poll because as I understand it, you didn't wish him dead. His death may be convenient, it may feel morally satisfying or justified. You may even say that you're glad... but I don't see you jumping with joy at it. You didn't call him names in this post either. With all the mixed feelings and strong emotions that his memory must bring, I don't see how I could blame you for being reasonably glad that fate took his life away while he was in prison for the crimes he'd committed.

 

 

[soup]

You can't help the way you feel and i don't think others should really be judges of whether it's 'right' or 'wrong' how the experience has caused you to feel. However i voted no, since i think actively wishing he'd died is completely different to being glad he's dead, and especially after the awful things he did, your feelings seem justified despite how 'wrong' they may appear to some people.

Although, i dont think you should agonize over it for too long. It'll probably take time, but try and move on.

[Bumblebee]

no, i wish i was in your position of having your dad dead....... i would have a party if my dad died

[Tim the Traveller]

no, i wish i was in your position of having your dad dead....... i would have a party if my dad died

 

Mb someday we can have a big party together! :king:

[Nephylim]

My brother in law abused me in every way you can think of between 8and 15. He died about the same time as your father and I thought I would be happy but I wasn't. It took time to build up to that. The fact that he was dead didn't take away what he had done and what had happened to me because of it. What happened was that after being forced to go to his funeral and sit and listen to everyone spouting platitudes about him, comfort eveyone pretending to care and being basically verbally horsewhipped by my mother for not caring and being comforting/supportive enough I grew to hate her too. She had known about what was happening and made me promise not to say anything because it would hurt my sister. For years she beat me up (metaphorically) over not spending more time with them, not sending him birthday cards, not wanting to sit next to him at functions. And now she's very ill in hospital and I really won't be sad when she dies either. The only thing that is going to hurt me is that it is going to rip the family apart.

 

So no I don't think you're wrong and if you want to have a party I'll buy the cake.

[Dargon]

I read your blog post and from it I gather only that he did horrible things to those girls and you. I also stand by the fact that you can't help how you feel, so I voted 'no'. I understand how you could feel guilty about it, which just proves to me that you are a good person. You deserve to be happy Tim.

 

Tiger and Nephy

[Nephylim]

I read your blog post and from it I gather only that he did horrible things to those girls and you. I also stand by the fact that you can't help how you feel, so I voted 'no'. I understand how you could feel guilty about it, which just proves to me that you are a good person. You deserve to be happy Tim.

 

Tiger and Nephy

 

 

Aww thanks hun... but I dealt with my issues a long time ago. I'm cool with it all now and it's helped make me who I am and in particular the part of me that no longer feels I have to apologise to anyone for anything I am, I feel, I need or I want. The only thing I am responsible for is what I do and then I am only resonsible to myself.

 

Do what you need to get through Tiger babe. Guilt is a destructive emotion. Ditch it.

[Cia]

Honestly, it's difficult to know how to feel. Relief if they're gone? Happiness you don't have to worry about seeing them ever again and knowing they can't hurt anyone else no matter what? It's a complicated situation. Just as difficult as knowing they're still out there and could be anywhere, doing anything to anyone. You never quite feel right then either. Abuse never really goes away and affects a person in different ways. The feelings of guilt, anger, shame, relief, happiness are all probably mixed together and it's never easy to work through them. Doing so publicly, well, you have my respect.

[Tiger]

no, i wish i was in your position of having your dad dead....... i would have a party if my dad died

I don't know your situation enough to know why you feel that way. However, if it's possible, I hope things turn around for you.

 

Mb someday we can have a big party together! :king:

Well, I do know why you feel that way, and I don't blame you one bit. If you need to talk about it, you know where to find me.

 

My brother in law abused me in every way you can think of between 8and 15. He died about the same time as your father and I thought I would be happy but I wasn't. It took time to build up to that. The fact that he was dead didn't take away what he had done and what had happened to me because of it. What happened was that after being forced to go to his funeral and sit and listen to everyone spouting platitudes about him, comfort eveyone pretending to care and being basically verbally horsewhipped by my mother for not caring and being comforting/supportive enough I grew to hate her too. She had known about what was happening and made me promise not to say anything because it would hurt my sister. For years she beat me up (metaphorically) over not spending more time with them, not sending him birthday cards, not wanting to sit next to him at functions. And now she's very ill in hospital and I really won't be sad when she dies either. The only thing that is going to hurt me is that it is going to rip the family apart.

 

So no I don't think you're wrong and if you want to have a party I'll buy the cake.

 

That sounds so horrible. I think the first story of yours that I read pertains to that, and now I can see where all that raw emotion is from. As for your mom, quite frankly she needs a good slap in the face. She should have sided with you no matter what. You know where to find me too if you need to chat.

 

And guys, I'm glad that most of you understand where I'm coming from. It's still not easy. Every now and then, I think of the two girls, who are now young women. One of them I see from time to time, and the damage can be seen in her behavior. It saddens me that he put her through that. She'll never be completely over it. No one ever is.

[Bumblebee]

Nephy..... can the cake be freddo frog ice-cream cake???? best cake ever

 

thanks tiger..... i will probably be writing about it in my blog

and i hope you get over it.... something horrible like what happened to you will eat away at you until you accept that it happed and move on in your life and forget the jerk that was your father, maybe you'll remember the good times, but at least you should know it that he can never hurt you again

[Hoskins]

One of the real benefits of growing up and older is that you get to build the family of your choosing rather than staying with the sometimes dysfunctional one you're born with.

 

Every person on the planet has a toolkit. The toolkit consists of the coping mechanisms and survival instincts that get you through your day to day life with some semblance of sanity. The whole purpose of the toolkit is to allow you to deal with life as you've been dealt it. These tools are both good and bad.

 

Some people have toolkits with abusive tools in them, because they need to feel superior or dominate others to cope. Other people have kits with drugs in them, because they don't deal with reality well (that was me back in the day). And still others have tool kits that have helping tools in them, because helping others is what gets them through the day.

 

Every toolkit is different. Every person has tools in their kit that were given to them by their parents, and their friends, and if you choose to believe, a spiritual source. The tools you get from your parents are inherited, and their tools were passed down to them by their parents. It's often true that a long list of people in a family indulge in the behaviors that they think help them cope.

 

That's the problem with inheriting these tools. You never can tell what tool will work for what person, and usually what works for a parent won't work for a kid, but the kid will try to use it anyway, and screw things up.

 

But here's the thing, every single person ever born is only ever trying to do one thing: survive. Deal with life. Handle situations that aren't manageable. People that abuse others are simply using their tool kits in the only way they know how. And that, most of the time, is the tragedy of it.

 

You can change your toolkit. Anytime. Most people go through life not understanding this. People that have survived abusive or terrible situations do, however, learn it. Whether or not they choose to do something about it, though, that's the rub. That's the hard part.

 

Give that person a different set of tools and maybe the abuse wouldn't happen. Take the tools away from them, and they'll have to get new tools (or the alternative: not survive).

 

So, another benefit of growing up is keeping the survival instincts and tools that have gotten you that far, and deciding which tools you want to keep and which ones you want to pitch.

 

One other benefit that's been invaluable to me is understanding and accepting that my parents, as hard as they tried, were dealing with their own tool kits while trying to build mine. I don't think its something that any parent ever gets exactly right. And it sure screwed up my childhood. But now I really understand the "they did the best they could with what they had" mentality. It doesn't make their behavior right, but it makes it understandable, and even acceptable to me in that "what's done is done" way.

 

I no longer look back at my physically abusive dad with anger. He's dead, it's done, I'll never have to be in that situation, ever again. So what's the point of looking back at it? To get angry again? Sorry, I don't have the time or the energy for it, it's not worth it, I have better things to spend time with.

 

Ultimately, people choose to stay a victim of the past or elect to participate in reinventing themselves. Tiger, it sounds like you're in the middle of the reinventing thing. All I can say is, keep going. It gets better. And its so worth it.

 

I hope everyone gets there someday (including me!)

Edited July 20, 2010 by Hoskins

[Nephylim]

 

Well, I do know why you feel that way, and I don't blame you one bit. If you need to talk about it, you know where to find me.

 

And guys, I'm glad that most of you understand where I'm coming from. It's still not easy. Every now and then, I think of the two girls, who are now young women. One of them I see from time to time, and the damage can be seen in her behavior. It saddens me that he put her through that. She'll never be completely over it. No one ever is.

 

Thank you darling. XXX

 

Just you remember that what happened was not your responsibility. Stop thinking about it as such. Yes what happened to the girls was awful but a) you father was the one who did wrong - not you. That was his responsibility and the way the girls dealt with the abuse and their behaviour after was their responsibility.

 

Consider my characters Silver and Faith in Enigma They both came from the same background and suffered the same abuse but dealt with it in hugely different ways. That is my philisophy. We are dealt the cards we'regiven and it's what we do with them that counts.

 

What happened to your father happened not just to him, not just to the girls but to you too. Take a step back, hand his responsibility back to him and realise that your responsibility is to make the best you can out of your life What happened helped to make you the wonderful person you are today and added so much to your richness and empathy.

 

Nephy..... can the cake be freddo frog ice-cream cake???? best cake ever

 

 

 

Damn right. Where can I get one right now?

[JamesSavik]

Checking in from vacation:

 

Are you wrong? I won't judge you. I understand that it is an ugly situation.

 

In My Humble Opinion if you are still pissed off years after his death, you are letting him live rent free in your head.

 

What you feel isn't wrong but you might want to try something different because I don't think that it's working for you.

 

It took me a long time to realize the the best place in my life for people that have hurt me is no where at all.

 

If I carry something like that for too long, I'm going to go get the SOB. If he's dead, where does the rage go? No where good from my experience.