Once a cheater, always a cheater?

[Arpeggio]

Do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? If not, why? Does one mistake mean that for the rest of their life they will cheat on the relationship, or is it just one mistake that can be forgiven, or is bound to happen again?

 

Would you stay in a relationship if someone did cheat on you, or would you be unable to continue after that? Does the circumstances of the affair matter at all?

 

I'm just wondering what people think.

 

Personally, I feel like I could forgive someone for it, but under the right circumstances, and if it never happens again. I don't believe that a one time thing means it will undoubtedly happen again, but that's just my opinion.

Edited January 19, 2011 by Arpeggio

[TetRefine]

Do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? If not, why? Does one mistake mean that for the rest of their life they will cheat on the relationship, or is it just one mistake that can be forgiven, or is bound to happen again?

 

Would you stay in a relationship if someone did cheat on you, or would you be unable to continue after that? Does the circumstances of the affair matter at all?

 

I'm just wondering what people think.

 

Personally, I feel like I could forgive someone for it, but under the right circumstances, and if it never happens again. I don't believe that a one time thing means it will undoubtedly happen again, but that's just my opinion.

 

It all depends on the circumstances. If it was a one time thing with someone they didn't know or a drunken one night stand, then I think it is forgivable....under one condition. If they tell you about it right off and admit they screwed up, I think that would go a long way with getting forgiveness. It means they care enough and feel guilty enough to want to tell you and make things right. If they didn't tell you and you had to find out on your own, then I think that would destroy a lot of trust and make it much harder to forgive and rebuild with that person.

 

One thing I think that isn't forgivable in my eyes, is a long, drawn-out, emotional/sexual relationship with someone else. That means the person has obviously lost interest and can not summon the balls to tell their partner they want out. I think long-term cheating is in no way forgivable because it wasn't just a one time stupid mistake.

 

So in essence, I dont believe the whole 'once a cheater always a cheater' bit applies to everyone. But I think being cheated on would require a lot rebuilding of trust between the two partners after the incident.

[Cyhort]

I've been cheated on way too many times to ever put up with it again. I'd be willing to forgive almost anything if I was truly in love but cheating I can't deal with. No matter how strongly I feel for someone once they cheat they're gone. I don't care if they get drunk or confess the night after, if you truly love someone you won't have a "moment of weakness" or put yourself in a situation where something like that could happen.

 

As for "once a cheater always a cheater"? Well, I believe that people can change, but most of the time they won't. If someone does it once then in my eyes they're more likely to do it again even if it was just one time.

[Marzipan]

There is something wrong in the relationship if a partner cheats. Even if the cheated one doesn't see it.

 

I have cheated. I'm not proud of it, but if I was in my old shoes again I'd probably do it again. But I know my reasons behind it. If you decide to throw rocks my way, try not to hit my sweet face...

 

I know better not to get in a relationship that doesn't have a deep love connection. I also know that I wouldn't cheat the one I love,I'm a protector type of person. The old relationship I was in just killed me, cheating was my silent rebellion before I had strenght to leave and be happy. The cheating didn't make me happy, but it made me see the truth about myself.

 

 

[AnytaSunday]

Hmmm, just posing a question here.

 

What does 'cheating' actually mean to you? Is it just sex? Or hooking up? Or could it also be when someone is looking for a deeper emotional connection somewhere else (even if this is without sex?)

 

And what about those who never cheat physically, but each time they have sex with their partner, they are thinking of other people (imaginary or otherwise) is that also cheating? Something that can be forgiven? Or not?

 

Personally, I'd never ever cheat physically with anyone. As for the second point there, well, then yes, I would say I'm a cheater. Though I have my suspicions that everyone slips with this one every once and a while. I've yet to meet someone who only thinks of their partner in bed.

 

I don't see myself as an awful person for this. But I'm curious at other ppl's thoughts.

[Tiger]

It depends on the circumstances, but yes I can forgive, but it really does have to be a one-time thing. Also, if he simply brings the guy home for us to share, that is so much better (and no, I am not joking here). As for always cheating? Overall, I say no. Most people grow up and stop thinking with their little heads. However, there are always exceptions.

[Zolia Lily]

I'm afraid this reminds me of that movie - "he's just not that into you" (Cheesy, i know. judge me if you like, i totally don't care ) - Where they talk about being the rule and not the exception, and people wanting to beleive they're the exception. That struck a chord. I beleive that circumstances under which cheating occurs are really really important for trust, forgiveness, the future of the relationship etc etc etc... but i think generally i wouldn't be able to trust that person again. I think i'd always be wondering. It'd just destroy something and i can't see how you'd rebuild it. It does depend so heavily on the reasons behind it though. There probably would be circumstances where i would be able to forgive something like that, but right now, i really can't imagine them.

 

 

 

[DragonMando]

Honestly? It depends on the circumstances.

 

Been there, done that, I have forgiven, and I have let go. One of my past boyfriends cheated on me because I wasn't moving fast enough, so I left him. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me in a moment of weakness and I forgave her without a second thought. One action, two different reasons. One, the blame was put on me for the other person's weakness, the other they owned up to their own fault. That difference alone makes it so I can forgive them for it--the first time, anyway. If it happens again though, I don't know if I could.

[Mark Arbour]

There seems to be a consensus that divides cheating into a one-time thing (perhaps in a moment of weakness) and a serial, ongoing issue. I think the latter is evidence enough that the relationship is flawed and either has to be redefined or ended. I think the first one, cheating in a moment of weakness, acknowledges basic human frailty and if the cheater is contrite, he or she deserves a second chance. Maybe not a third one though.

[Tipdin]

I would say cheating is usually symptomatic, not always, but usually symptomatic of other, more serious situations. Perhaps the cheater does not feel worthy or worse, feels YOU are not worthy. Perhaps there are problems in the relationship that can be over-shadowed by the more serious crime of cheating so the real issues don't have to be faced. Perhaps the cheater is a sex addict.

 

You must decide for your own situation what the cheating means or is all about.

 

It has been my experience that men who cheat, make a habit of it. Men who get caught and are "forgiven" are much more careful about it in the future. Ultimately one must decide how to deal with their cheater, but it's never easy.

 

My own partner is a cheater. He's been having long-term (multiple) affairs lasting years. Our relationship has suffered greatly because of it. We've stayed together for business and financial reasons. We're still friends, but we're no longer bed partners. He understands that his behavior has created the limits. I have my friends, he has his, and some of those friendships overlap. But I think of myself, really, as a single man, not a partnered man.

[Mark Arbour]

I would say cheating is usually symptomatic, not always, but usually symptomatic of other, more serious situations. Perhaps the cheater does not feel worthy or worse, feels YOU are not worthy. Perhaps there are problems in the relationship that can be over-shadowed by the more serious crime of cheating so the real issues don't have to be faced. Perhaps the cheater is a sex addict.

 

You must decide for your own situation what the cheating means or is all about.

 

It has been my experience that men who cheat, make a habit of it. Men who get caught and are "forgiven" are much more careful about it in the future. Ultimately one must decide how to deal with their cheater, but it's never easy.

 

My own partner is a cheater. He's been having long-term (multiple) affairs lasting years. Our relationship has suffered greatly because of it. We've stayed together for business and financial reasons. We're still friends, but we're no longer bed partners. He understands that his behavior has created the limits. I have my friends, he has his, and some of those friendships overlap. But I think of myself, really, as a single man, not a partnered man.

 

That must have been really hard to deal with. Multiple long-term relationships...that would be tough to handle. And you're still together as friends. Good for you!

[Stargazer]

It really depends on circumstances. I think I would forgive actual cheating (actual having sex with someone else) only once. If it were to happen again, that would be it.

 

Anyta, I think 'cheating' is the act of having full on sex with someone else. Kissing ... meh, not so much. Thinking about someone else while you're having sex with your usual partner isn't cheating in my opinion.

 

Tiger, I like the way you think!

[JamesSavik]

For many men, cheating is a pattern of behavior which they will repeat throughout their life.

 

There is some speculation that their own biology programs them to spread their DNA as far and wide as possible!

 

< I'm just too damn smooth.

[Tipdin]

That must have been really hard to deal with. Multiple long-term relationships...that would be tough to handle. And you're still together as friends. Good for you!

 

Frankly, adjusting to life with this partner has been one of the toughest things I have ever done. And I don't recommend it. Ironically, he's a therapist and I nearly became one, so we 'intellectualized' rather than got emotional. (Which, for THIS drama-queen, was REALLY tough!)

 

But our financial entanglements were significant. ...as is his vengeful side. Rather than risking my financial future, I opted to preserve as much of our friendship as I could while making necessary adjustments to our living situation. It's been 15 years since the discover of his infidelities and we've both settled into our positions.

 

I feel free to engage in a sexual relationship with others, without guilt. I go and play with friends without consulting his schedule. If he wants time with me, he understands that it would be just like asking any other friend for some of their time; they may or may not be available. I guess it's a room mate situation.

 

We built a house and life together, and at this point, I'm just not willing to give up what has become MY dream home. He understands that his behavior has consequences. He's not an unreasonable person. He just cannot commit to a closed relationship.

 

Now if we didn't already have a strong friendship, I wouldn't be writing this - I probably would have gone to prison for murder! But there was nearly 30 years of friendship FIRST, before the nasty bits.

[Raijen]

Hmmm... It depends on the person. I've cheated before, and since then I've realized that cheating is the best and most painful way to figure out if you really love the other person. No, I do not recommend cheating. Quite the opposite, really. But I do think that cheating reveals more of the truth than what we like to accept.

[Mark Arbour]

Frankly, adjusting to life with this partner has been one of the toughest things I have ever done. And I don't recommend it. Ironically, he's a therapist and I nearly became one, so we 'intellectualized' rather than got emotional. (Which, for THIS drama-queen, was REALLY tough!)

 

But our financial entanglements were significant. ...as is his vengeful side. Rather than risking my financial future, I opted to preserve as much of our friendship as I could while making necessary adjustments to our living situation. It's been 15 years since the discover of his infidelities and we've both settled into our positions.

 

I feel free to engage in a sexual relationship with others, without guilt. I go and play with friends without consulting his schedule. If he wants time with me, he understands that it would be just like asking any other friend for some of their time; they may or may not be available. I guess it's a room mate situation.

 

We built a house and life together, and at this point, I'm just not willing to give up what has become MY dream home. He understands that his behavior has consequences. He's not an unreasonable person. He just cannot commit to a closed relationship.

 

Now if we didn't already have a strong friendship, I wouldn't be writing this - I probably would have gone to prison for murder! But there was nearly 30 years of friendship FIRST, before the nasty bits.

 

Funny and poignant. Thanks for sharing that. I see your points, but I'm still struck by the logic and realism you brought to the table. I'm not sure I could do that.

 

I have a good friend who is a serial liar. There are so many other good things about him that I overlook that aspect and don't really worry whether his stories are true or not, as long as they don't impact me. We're not sexually involved (long story there) but I guess if I look at what you said in the context of that experience, I can see where you're coming from.

[Marzipan]

Hmmm... It depends on the person. I've cheated before, and since then I've realized that cheating is the best and most painful way to figure out if you really love the other person. No, I do not recommend cheating. Quite the opposite, really. But I do think that cheating reveals more of the truth than what we like to accept.

 

 

I agree totally!

 

I cheated mainly by falling in love to another person. The physical part of the cheating was a minor part of the whole issue. I'd rather break up alltogether in the same situation before letting things go that far. I definitely learned from my mistakes. Have I been cheated on, I don't know...? If the person I love (never been totally in love) cheated on me, I think I'd die. I'd just die and then forgive and try to move on with him/her no matter how much it would hurt. I think...

[warrior]

I might be able to forgive him, but I really don't see myself continuing with the relation anymore. Because where's the guarantee that he wouldn't do it again? Yes, I am aware that people do change and can redeem themselves, but once the trust (which is one of the most, if not the most important and integral part of any relation) is broken, it is difficult to regain in back, especially when you put all your trust and faith into one person and they shatter it to pieces. So yea, if my significant other ever cheats on me, I'm going to end it with him, but I will also try not to hold grudges against him as long as he can refrain himself from doing such a thing again with his future partner.

 

As for what constitutes cheating - ah, that's the tricky part. Different people seem to have different level of rules and restrictions set for their relationship. As for me, any form of physical contact with another person (baring normal touching, hugging, etc) would constitute as cheating. However, this is not where it ends for me. Any kind of emotional attatchment towards another person that transcends the 'platonic bond' also falls under the category of cheating to me.

 

Cheating is so common these days that I sort of dread getting into any relationship. But then again, to be fair, it isn't like it didn't exist in the past, just less reported than what it is now. I know I will be flamed for saying this, but why can't people be up front about what they want? Why would you get yourself into a monogamous relationship just to screw your partner behind his back? I understand that temptation is hard to resist - but then, it's not like we live in the 17th century where the option of divorce is not open either.

[Skyline]

I voted double maybe. Like most people have said its all circumstantial. I have a history with cheating (not myself but within my family), so I am not very tolerant of it. However I would let them plead there case, and deal with every event individually. However that said I do not forgive cheating very easilly, so there's a slim chance for it most of the time. In terms of people never changing, thats also circumstantial. Some people never will, while others will man/woman up and realize their errors.

[rustle]

I'm monogamous and saw the AIDS epidemic first-hand. Also, I hate condoms. Sex outside the relationship would put an end to sex in the relationship. Just plain survival instinct there. If there's a willingness or need for sex on the sly, outside, that part of the relationship is already over.

 

Emotional and intellectual affairs are healthy. Can any one person be everything for another? Ever? Even touching is OK, but if I saw my S.O. touching or kissing another, I'd have to ask some questions.

[hh5]

I have been cheated recently, Steve my bf, Jardy the cheater

 

They met on the internet in 2009 probably Jardy wanted help to find an ESL job in thailand and my bf fell in love with him.

Jardy came to Thailand Oct2009 for a month and met with Steve cuz and then they went school visiting and started to fall in love.

Jardy came to Thailand mid-mar2010 to Apr2010 to continue Jardy search and deepen their relationship.

Its then the words BF was mentioned and it was a shock to their cuz because they know about me.

Then I contacted cuz last June after we had an arguement. I was lucky to get in contact

because Steve kept me in the dark from any one that knows him

Took me awhile to contact his brother ... but we're not on speaking terms ... there's too much too tell here.

But Steve cuz tells me about Jardy the BF and thats when its was ok for me to tell her I am his BF

Then I learn about a small bit about the affair.

Steve apologize but he didn't go into specific details of the affair and i found Jardy on FB

Is Jardy a great guy? Nope since he doesn't reply to FB message

Steve describes it as a nightmare and Jardy wouldn't make time with him

They are sep by 3 hrs between their job locations and i am not sure what kind of relationship that turn into.

Most likely chat or cell calls - weekend visits?? - 3 days HOL?

They broke up sometime in 2010 and Jardy found another position 9hrs away.

They don't appear to speak to each other. Jardy had one comment on FB Job#1"OVER" -> Job#2 "New Life"

 

So its at least a ten week affair ... not sure how many chats pre-meeting chats ... no idea of sex ... etc etc

 

 

so what do you make of this?

opinions ... Steve hates talking in detail .. i talk in that but I don't know how to talk in summary ... we're opposites in that respect

I guess that allows me to write ... but not write like in summary that lacks detail

[TetRefine]

I have been cheated recently, Steve my bf, Jardy the cheater

 

They met on the internet in 2009 probably Jardy wanted help to find an ESL job in thailand and my bf fell in love with him.

Jardy came to Thailand Oct2009 for a month and met with Steve cuz and then they went school visiting and started to fall in love.

Jardy came to Thailand mid-mar2010 to Apr2010 to continue Jardy search and deepen their relationship.

Its then the words BF was mentioned and it was a shock to their cuz because they know about me.

Then I contacted cuz last June after we had an arguement. I was lucky to get in contact

because Steve kept me in the dark from any one that knows him

Took me awhile to contact his brother ... but we're not on speaking terms ... there's too much too tell here.

But Steve cuz tells me about Jardy the BF and thats when its was ok for me to tell her I am his BF

Then I learn about a small bit about the affair.

Steve apologize but he didn't go into specific details of the affair and i found Jardy on FB

Is Jardy a great guy? Nope since he doesn't reply to FB message

Steve describes it as a nightmare and Jardy wouldn't make time with him

They are sep by 3 hrs between their job locations and i am not sure what kind of relationship that turn into.

Most likely chat or cell calls - weekend visits?? - 3 days HOL?

They broke up sometime in 2010 and Jardy found another position 9hrs away.

They don't appear to speak to each other. Jardy had one comment on FB Job#1"OVER" -> Job#2 "New Life"

 

So its at least a ten week affair ... not sure how many chats pre-meeting chats ... no idea of sex ... etc etc

 

 

so what do you make of this?

opinions ... Steve hates talking in detail .. i talk in that but I don't know how to talk in summary ... we're opposites in that respect

I guess that allows me to write ... but not write like in summary that lacks detail

 

I had a little bit of a hard time following you, but it sounds like it was an ongoing thing. Dump his ass. It wasn't a one-time mistake, but a continual round of who knows what, and by the sounds of it, a lot of lying went on. People like that generally aren't trustworthy, IMO.

[methodwriter85]

Funny and poignant. Thanks for sharing that. I see your points, but I'm still struck by the logic and realism you brought to the table. I'm not sure I could do that.

 

If Brad in Millenium is what you are like during a break-up or severe relationship setback, I'm pretty sure someone's car would have ended up keyed and possibly destroyed with a jackhammer. LOL.

[hh5]

I had a little bit of a hard time following you, but it sounds like it was an ongoing thing. Dump his ass. It wasn't a one-time mistake, but a continual round of who knows what, and by the sounds of it, a lot of lying went on. People like that generally aren't trustworthy, IMO.

 

Well, its going to make a wonderful next novel for me to write ...

 

any way ... he said this was his biggest mistake ... he's made others ... I have included his brother and cuz in our talks because I need verification that certain events are true

Recently there was a issue and his cuz verified it ... we had a 12hr crises ... but we survive it

 

But TetRefine ... there are much worst people out there in the usa ... its like you can pick any one off the street ... and you can find ... greed ... selfish ... murder ... criminal ... cheaters ... liars ... check fraud ... credit fraud ... ten commandment violator

 

but will you a good person out there? I haven't found some one like me and yes I have not been going out to find him either at times ... because I can always find a bad apple more than a good apple

 

a long distance relationship is very hard ... but at least for now I has his cuz to help let me know if he is being bad again ... before I never knew how bad he was ... but he slowly growing up and maturing

I certainly shove the issue into his face ... in varying degrees to get as much of the truth out

 

I think I may have prove he has a personality disorder and perpetual liar due to a reason that I figured out ... to hid his shame ... I know him so well after seven years ...

Its like children ... you know when their quiet ... they are up to something bad

 

New ppl ... you have to learn them ... and you never know u have another bad apple ... that could murder you in bed

unless you background check every BF before you date him ... and it seems to be a true fact

 

Imagine dating websites doing that ... but at least the membership fee ... guarantees that you got someone almost risk free

if not they can be rejected ....

[hh5]

Does a cheater ... once caught ... now the family knows ... will he cheat again? will he love his lover? who stuck by him for several years?

when the cheat ... lasted two months?