Comment on my Sexuality

[JamesSavik]

I agree that 18 is too young to marry(when I did). And yesjames, i was in denial. I suppressed a lot of things for quite a while. And no I didn't go hyper masculine, and I didn't hate gays or anything, and have been an atheist since 17. I agree that I need to be a standup guy. There will be no running around on my wife. If that bridge is crossed, that is one we will do together. I also understand there are no perfectly defined versions of sexuality. I just feel like there is no right choice. The feedback is nice. Feels good to discuss it. Thank you everyone.

 

 

I didn't mean to be mean. It's a tough situation you're in and it'll take a while for you to figure it all out.

 

Before you were 17, was there a religion? Were you into it and something bad happened?

 

This is nobody's business so I'll say this in private:

 

 

Your profile suggests that you may have been sexually abused.

Coming to terms with your sexuality late (most people work this out ~jr high) is a classic symptom.

If this is the case, you need to bring it to you therapist.

Sexual abuse of boys and young men can leave a lot of psychological debris.

It can cause everything from PTSD to denial of your sexuality and feeling dirty/worthless.

This is something akin to having a wound with poison in it. You've got to get the poison out or it will get progressively worse the longer it stays in.

 

PS- this might be something that you might want to talk to your therapist alone before you bring your wife into it.

 

 

[Mal]

The only thing that killed my religion was using my brain. I looked at the world and saw that no god could possibly create this. At least not any god I would bother worshipping. I could go more in depth, but this thread isn't about religion. As for your second question, no, I was not.How did you come to that conclusion? Just curious.

[Ashi]

I think what Mr. Malevolentstorm needs is a little bit of support. I don't think any advice could be helpful at this moment. It sounds weird, but when I read his first post, I knew he had tried anything. Only someone who was completely desperate can talk about something that's pretty much emotional train wreck in a matter-of-fact way. Honest, direct, and no BS is because one is sick and tired of being conceal one's feeling.

 

I think everyone already said all the critical ones. Yes, marriage is in the way and responsibility is the biggest issue here. I am the worst person to give advice as I have no experience. I only know if I got married, I would have to forget about my own sexuality, no matter how painful I am internally, because I already made the choice. If I were attracted to someone who was already married (this I have experience with), I would have to forget about him (and I did, surprisingly, without much problem).

 

I don't believe that people shouldn't marry young. It might be a wrong choice for some, just like marriage is a wrong choice for some. Some might be more ready than others, and some might have met their right one earlier than others....

 

Whatever is your (Mr. Malevolentstorm's) final choice, never regret. Don't look back. Pull yourself through. You probably have been through much, how much more hurt can it get? If you feel you could get more hurt, then you probably haven't seen the bottom of it yet. Now, redirect your attention to how much hurt you can deliver to other people. If you think you can live with that, then again, never look back and have no regret for your own good. It's your life.

[MJ85]

You may be closer to realizing the way you want to go than you might think. From your further disclosures, you've been in counseling for some time over your confusion, yet (at the risk of sounding like a lawyer ) these were your opening statements:

 

So here we go. New here, and need a place to get a few things off my chest. I am married, 21, bisexual as far as I know(never experience gay) and a father. I think I am more attracted to men.I like women, and they arouse me too, but when i imagine it being a guy, it seems so more intense, and it stirrs more emotion from me. I findmore women on the street attractive than men, but my feelings are stronger for men usually. I don't know how to figure that out. I don't know if I could be in a relationship with a guy. i like the idea, but have a hard time envisioning it. I like the male organs better than the female ones by far too. i am all sorts of confused. Some input would be nice. Nice to meet you all by the way.

 

Since you led off by expressing a sort of confusion and curiosity over your feelings of finding other men attractive...that in turn leads me to believe that that's what carries the most emotional weight in your mind. (i.e. it carries more emotional weight than being responsible for a child or working on your marriage) I get this sense that this is what you're going to find yourself coming back to even with ongoing counseling.

[Mal]

The reason I opened with that is because I first thought I was bisexual, then after a while and the feelings didnt go away and got stronger, I faced the fact that I was "gay". I came out to my wife and family, and we made the decision to try an open marriage. That failed, and I decided not to because it would hurt her too much. That and she wanted to sleep with other men. i know that makes me a hypocrite, but I said no way in hell. Then I rationalized my way back to bisexual, with no need to be with a man. Since then, and through many reassurances, nohthing has changed. The feelings keep coming back, forcing their way into my mind. It's not a need, but it feels like a massive compulsion, a temptation that won't leave. I see myself with a guy, and at least in my mind, I feel happy to be that way, and to focus on me. Something I have never done before, as my existence as been about trying to survive for the longest time. Thats what the therapist says. Also, I hear alot of poeple say if I were married the vows would be the most important. I am an atheist, and I believe in one life. One short, insignificant life. Why spend years in pain, or denial, over a promise made to a court. Essentially when you take religion out of it, that is all it is. Not to mention marriages weren't religous for the longest time. My first responsibility above all is too my son. parents can split and the child can still live a happy life. But as some poster said above, the kid will be affected by the unhappiness. That, and not being married or in that situation, you can't really give advice. Not to be rude or anything, and sorry if it comes accross that way.

 

 

 

Ashi, for the most part you hit it right on the head. Trust me though, I have thought through how much I will be hurting other people. It is what is on my mind constantly. It is what prevents me from doing what I want. She already told me she would move with me for college, ten years, so i wouldn't have to miss my son. We would even be friends. But fear paralyzes me. Also, you can't really just forget about your sexuality. It can make you miserable. Why do you think so many republicans and anti-gays are gay? But i am looking for some support. I thank you all for taking the time to converse with a stranger about this. I appreciate it.

[Cia]

You can find support in droves here usually. No one can tell you what is right for you, that's a decision only you can make. Good luck with whatever choice you make.

[JamesSavik]

As for your second question, no, I was not.How did you come to that conclusion? Just curious.

 

One of the key signs is coping with sexual identity issues relatively late. You might not believe how common it is.

[Mal]

Nope, no abuse here. There were a couple of odd incidences, but none of them resulted in touching. I just never gave it thought. Been reading gay fiction since I discovered they had gay romance for DBZ when I was twelve. In different situations I have had the gay feelings going back to 7ish maybe before. I liked girls, and I pursued them like I felt I should. But there was a gay kid in highschool that liked me, as my gf of the time told me. The idea of that happening was more exciting than any girl I could think of. Girls bore me. It kind of felt like what I was supposed to do. That and coupled with my childhood and low self image, I ended up liking anyone who was nice to me and decent looking. But i never gave it much thought, because I focused on surviving highschool and home rather than myself. Then I met my wife at 16. We immediately talked all night the first night we met. We were so compatible. However, when the time came for marriage, I didn't really want to get married but ended up saying "I don't mind, we can get married because you want to and I love you. I don't mind if I didn't want to marry you I wouldn't." Same goes for having a kid. I was actually done trying and ready to pack up and head to Cali with nothing to start over with her when she wound up preggers. While the kid is the main thing keeping me in this situation, I still wouldn't trade it for the world. I sometimes wish I didn't have him, but when i go for a day without seeing him, i go batshit just a little. I know, especially after my therapist asked me, what I saw for myself if i could do it all over. I would not be married, I would be in college pursuing a science degree, and I would be gay as hell. So i figured the background info would help as a couple of you wondered about how i didn't really know. Thanks everyone. The support is great, and it feels like a weight lifted.

 

 

 

 

[Graeme]

You've got a lot of parallels to my situation, though you've done it a lot earlier than I did Any time you want a chat, please feel free to email or PM me.

[JamesSavik]

I'll vouch for Graeme- he's a great guy. If anyone knows what you're going through, it's him.