Depression

[joann414]

Yeh, JMH it is hellish trying to get used to new meds.  I have been there and actually stayed home from work and cried all day, and wondered what the heck was wrong with me.

Hope things get better for you!  Hang in there!    Hugs

[comicfan]

Okay forgive me for being late on commenting, but you know me, I get there in the end.

 

Things are stressful. I think winter is hard on everyone and the time spent inside, with less light plays havoc with most of us. There is a reason they say there is the winter doldrums.

 

Leshwar - insomnia is a pain for most. If it is affecting your life and your ability to function and live then don't be afraid to check out help for it. Sometimes a change in diet or schedule can help. I wish you luck.

 

Mark - Medicine is tricky at the best of times and it is never a miracle cure. It can help but only you know if it is being successful. Talk to your doctor and be honest. You know we only wish you the best. I'm glad you have your studies to give you something to focus on. I mean how many hours can you focus on Stuby, oh bad choice. You know we love you and only want the best for you. If you need to talk just let me know.

 

Jo Ann - One part of your life is over but so many more are before you. Unfortunately my mother never got to know the pleasure of grandchildren. I never found a partner, and my brother and his wife refuse to have any. She found a chance to be a mother over and over again by working in the school district helping kids.The one thing she always said was a mother is a mother, whether it is with her children or someone else's. You never stop hoping to see them grow up and succeed. That also didn't stop her from investigating a hundred new hobbies or projects she just "wanted to try my hand at." As long as you live your life, have loved ones around you, you have a purpose. Besides those of us, you have befriended, expect our cards and notes. Keep your chin up and know you are loved.

 

Rob - Don't think we haven't noticed. Remember we know your daily struggle isn't easy either. Glad to know you are reaching out to others but take time for you too. If the caretaker collapses things won't get better. Take time for you too.

 

JMH - I only have that small picture you created with the words you have given us. The picture isn't great but you show you are still fighting. Do what you need to. There are those who will always offer you a shoulder if you need one.

 

Hope everyone just keeps hanging in there. to any who need it.

[Mark92]

Hi all

 

JMH, I'm struggling with the meds, but it's only the second attempt, I've always said I wouldn't take them. I won't be a zombie when I have animals that depend on me. So, the meds are light, and they are not even touching on anything that helps. Like Unc (Comic) says I have my Stuby and my studies.

I'll be glad when the weather warms and dries up, on a farm there is a whole lot of mud and an icy wind to make you feel like a brass monkey.  I had snow this morning.

Jo, send me an email if you want to let of steam or have a shoulder and ear, they are always here for you and anyone that needs it.

And Unc take care of yourself please, you are so important to me and many others.

 

Hugs all round

[harcallard]

Hello everyone....

 

It has been awhile since I have posted anything...I have been taking some much needed recuperating time.. Moving is a bitch and I hate it....I have also started to attend my Dr's appt.'s again....Today's session was by far the most emotional for me. We touched on things I hadn't thought of in 15 years....He helped me to see that I need to learn to forgive  myself  for things I say and do. I hurt someone very close and dear to me many years ago. We chat every now and then and he had forgiven me many years ago. Its just that I haven't forgiven myself. According to him this only part of the reason I feel the way I do. The other is I tend to read to much into things..I tend to think they are something they are not...He has given me homework as he calls it to try.. So I am hoping that it will work...Then on top of that I am getting stress from my family...When my dad passed away, he left some land which is split between my siblings and I.. So I am getting family members bugging the hell out of me to sell... I was like I don't really need this right now. I am thinking as I am sitting here that I could have saved my self thousands of dollars in therapy costs by just coming here and then I could pay you guys! (insert laughter).

 

I am sorry that I haven't been around much lately but remember that I am always here if anyone needs a shoulder to cry or or an ear to listen.  I hope you all have a great day

 

 

Keep a smile on our face and love in your heart,

 

Harc.

[joann414]

You can pay me in strawberry cheesecake    Hope you start feeling stronger soon and life lightens up for you.  Hugs and pm me if needed.  Jo Ann

[Maximoff]

Hello everyone. 

I haven't posted here because I didn't want to admit to having some form of depression. But I walked into a mental wall today. I went to work and I couldn't get anything done. All I did was stare into the computer screen and quietly sobbing at my desk. This was unprovoked, it just happened. I've never felt so numb before. 

 

I'm a Ph D Student in chemistry. I think I'm stressed all the time and it's often hard for me to relax when I come home, instead whenever I get a quiet moment, I start thinking about the problems I have at work and potential solutions, and then execute them at work. I've talked to my supervisor about this, that I'm over worked and over stressed. He sits me down and talk to me in lengthy times about how work is important for society and if you don't work, society doesn't work (seriously, this was a 2h monologue...), and at the end of it, he gave me point by point, a couple of reactions to run. He simply doesn't believe in something like this, he just think that I need extra help with work...

 

I have problems with my parents accepting me being gay, and I have relationship issues. My self-confidence and my belief in my self-worth is at a low. I've been thinking of how nice it would feel to not be alive. I'm not suicidal though, I probably would never be able to commit suicide, so don't worry about that. 

 

A co-worker of mine has had the same issue (work related) where she just can't work anymore and is rehabilitating. She now works at 50% time only and she seems confident that she can make a full recovery. She recommended me to a work therapist that is provided by my university. I'm keen to contact them and maybe just find someone to talk to. I'm worried about several things though;

- How my supervisor might take it, I work on a project that I want to see through, I don't want to "lose" my name on this paper that I've worked so hard on if it turns out that I have to end up taking time off... He does interesting chemist, but his personal flaws is that he's very stubborn (if people doesn't see his way, then they are always wrong), and childish (vindicative, revenge tactics). 

- Can I discuss other issues with them? Like my relationship with my parents and relationships? This I might just have to ask them.

- Cognitative Behavioural therapy, which is the way they run this place that my co-worker recommended. I'm quite skeptical that this works. Has anyone tried this form of therapy? 

 

Thanks for reading my wall of text. 

[Mark92]

Hi Maximoff, So sorry you haven't had a reply, usually there is someone about to answer. So many apologies.

 

I can't say I relate in any way to what you are going through. Stuby is a third year chemistry student and I know the stress he's under.

It hits us all in different ways, and we all have different ways of dealing with it.

I do hope you find someone who can listen and understand, and perhaps point you to where you need to be. For myself, I'm just starting on a degree path, it's how I am dealing. My worst enemy is thinking, the less time I have to think, the less I dip down. So it works for me.

As for the type of therapy, I can't help there much either. I have a shrink, he comes to me, because I don't go out from my property. It's just a case of sitting and chatting, he's talked to people that no me directly too. I'm also on meds, the third attempt, so waiting to see if they help.

So sorry I'm not much help. Take care and good luck.

 

Hugs all round

[thaddeus2]

Hello Maximoff,

 

I was once a graduate student in chemistry and in a similar situation (although my advisor was not quite as bad as what you describe -- I would guess that my parents were worse than what you describe).

 

I managed to struggle through all of it. At times, I was ready to quit -- too much stress. At other times, I was able to push ahead a little. It was a matter of increments -- progress but with a very high energy of activation. 

 

I would suggest talking to someone. I didn't do that until (much) later and my job stress was getting to me (and the stress of dealing with my family). It helped in many ways although not completely for me. [i am now taking some mild antidepressants which I probably should have been taking for a very long time.] I'm pretty sure that that person would be willing to talk about whatever you thought was affecting your life.

 

For me, it was helpful to have something *other* than research to do. Perhaps you enjoy dancing? or gaming? or walking in the wilderness? or...  Taking some time for that (and *trying* not to think about the lab) can help. Being around non-graduate students might help (although this is probably difficult since you spend so much time around them). 

 

Remember that research is your (important) job but it is not your life. You have to take care of yourself too. 

 

I wish you well. You can do it. There are people (now you have one more) cheering you on!     Best wishes!

[Bumblebee]

I'm just going to answer your question about CBT, my experience with this type of therapy was pretty shit. The shrink pushed me too far and I decided that it would be best for me to stop therapy. But I never really shared my issues with her, I was trying to help curb some of my obsessive compulsive issues and the subsequent panic attacks, so I didn't think that sharing anything besides that would matter.

 

Research has shown that in a majority of people cognitive behaviour therapy does work in changing your thinking (among other things) but only if you're a willing participant.

 

Your supervisor sounds like a dick, I'd talk to someone above him, maybe whoever runs that part of the university or whatever and file a complaint.

Hope things go well for you Maximoff

[Yettie One]

They say that you can see the truth in the eyes? What exactly are you supposed to find when you go looking through the eyes?

 

Random thought, for a really random moment in life.

So. Ten days ago I got home from Wales to a pretty weird state of affairs. Started out on the first day with mom asking me when we'd be returning home. Then it developed to mom wanting to know when Rob was coming back. Then it reached a stage where eventually mom put a call through to my brother in Canada saying Rob was missing and there was a strange man in the house.

I've always known we'd eventually get to a point where remembering people would become an issue, I just never expected to be the first one she'd forget.

Thing is it has kind of been coming for a while. Over the past few weeks, I've been dad some days, Mike on other days, and Granddad on occasion. So why am I surprised now that I'm not regarded at Rob?

I have to tell myself that the woman I am now living with is not mom. Imagine saying that to yourself each day? 

Medically there are hunting for a trigger point. The initial suspicion was a mini stroke that prompted the sudden lapse in lucid memory function. Now the thinking is that it is an infection brought on my a cold. Very probably passed on from me, and that makes me feel real shitty.

Not a lot I can do to control getting a cold, or passing it on, but even still, I just wish it hadn't been the case.

So now, every day is a guessing game. Some days are not so bad, we get by and muddle our way through, but some, I kind of tread on glass, never quite sure who I'll be to mom at any point through the day. She told me the other day that "I was nothing like her Rob."

That really hurt. I stood there looking at her, really not sure what the hell to say.

Gotta say, it is at times like these that I really feel at my lowest. You have to go on, find a way to get by, smile and pretend that things are ok, but inside....

Inside I really feel like I am falling apart a little at a time.

Random thoughts, for a really random day. Today I was a family friend at least. I even got a hug.

I can't tell you how much such a simple action cut me up, or made me miss the times that the hug was one I got to share with my mom. 

Things are hard, so many of us face really tough emotional stuff. We all try to find a way to deal, and get on with it. Sometimes though, we just gotta find a way to let some of it out. Today is one of those days for me. Just had to say something and decided that this would be the place i'd say it. I feel safe feeling vulnerable and hurt here. I can express what I really think without hurting anyone else, or seeming weak or stupid. At least I have somewhere to scream at the world!

Not really much in the mood to give hugs or sound cheerful. Just hope you are all ok in your own way, and keeping your chin up above the water.

[Breeze]

Big big hugs Yettie, I can't imagine what that is like. I am in the stage of having elderly parents now. My folks are both in their late 70's and although both healthy, we can see the signs. You keep loving her, you go forward, one day at a time and if that is too much, go forward one hour at a time. And remember, your Mom is there and she loves you, never let that go.

[layla]

Big Hugs Yettie, my own mother is getting up there in years, and we are fortunate that she is still doing well, though we have noticed her memory beginning to slip the closer she gets to 70. I hope the day never comes when she doesn't remember me. Stay strong and vent whenever you need it, there are so many of us here willing to listen.

[Mark92]

Hey Roberto my man,

I don't have a clue what to say, I really don't.

Things were so different for me, but, I can imagine the hurt you feel. I wish there was a cure all or something I could say that would anyway improve your situation, all I can say is sending you all the love in the world from me and Stuby and you know we are here, anytime man.

Try to stay strong and remember how much she does love you.

Here for you always Roberto

 

Hugs all round

[Maximoff]

Just a small update. I've started to see a therapist, and it's going well. 

He lets me talk and listens and points out different nuances of a specific situation. Which makes me think of my issues in another light. It's quite helpful. Especially with dealing/talking with my supervisor. My anxiety is less now as well, but maybe it's because my project is finally working. 

 

He helped me work out that some of my anxiety stems from me being a perfectionist and via self-evaluation and self-reevaluation lets me see that maybe my imperfections aren't that big of a deal. Maybe I can even accept them. 

 

So the few things that we talked about and what we're working on is:

- Work relations with my supervisor. He asked me why I have such a big urge to please my supervisor, as all my actions were meant to please him while all he does is step out of his role as a supervisor.

- Speaking to people. Which is something I have a hard time doing. He asked me if it was because I read too much into subtle changes in their expression and mannerism. 

 

Anyways, it's going better. But all this reflection of why I feel the way I feel is tiresome.  

[comicfan]

Maximoff,

 

Well I am glad your anxiety level is down. We all have to find ways to deal with day to day stress, in a healthy way.

 

Hopefully things will continue to improve for you. Hugs and best wishes.

 

- Wayne

[Mark92]

So pleased for you Maximoff

 

Thanks for replying Unc

 

I'm just busy, I have cards to post to all I know just waiting for the time to do it. Be well all

[harcallard]

Well it has been awhile since I have been here and how soon forgotten.. I really need some advice more like a shoulder to cry on.. so if anyone has the time and would be interested please msg me...I am sorry but I really don't trust to many people for very good reasons or I would talk about it openly in the forum here. I hope everyone has a happy Friday and an even better weekend

 

harc

Edited May 3, 2013 by harcallard

[harcallard]

I have come to major milestone in my life in the last couple days. Two things have helped me reach this point of realization.. (1) Always expect little or nothing from others. So there will be no disappointment. (2) When it comes right down to it, you are the only person you can depend on. 

[Celethiel]

Expect people to be who they are and you'll never be disappointed,

Harcallard as you well know I am almost always on Skype, except when I am asleep or not.. Thusly if you need to talk, I am there even now.

[comicfan]

Har,

 

I think people are just themselves. None of us purposely go out of ways to ignore or forget people. Life has a way of interrupting it. Lately I haven't been much on my game. With my back out and my foot acting up, I don't know which end is up. Add in an ailing father, a job, and the meds I've been on and forget it. I'm a lost cause.

 

Hope things have been getting better for you. You always seem so down and that can't be healthy for you. Remember we might not always know what to say, or get here as quickly as we should but you do have people who want to know you are alright and still fighting the good fight.

 

Wayne

[Enoch]

I think everyone has ups and downs, some more than others. clearly. I just try to push through each day by taking things one day at a time. I'm far from prefect, but I try to prefect my life, each day. What I mean is, I try and make each new day better than the last one. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don't,  but the key word is, I try. I will never ever give up

[harcallard]

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and kind words... I tend to get wrapped up in what is going on in my own world that I don't get to see that there are those who are going through the same thing I have been lately and have been doing well... I hope everyone had a great weekend..

 

Harc.

[Mark92]

Hey all

 

Tim you know you can write me an email, I get those on my phone, when i'm away from the pc. I seem to be perminantly attached to it lately, doing two courses and needing good marks is taking all the time I have. But I answer all emails.

[joann414]

We all have those days Har when it seems a web of the blahs is around us and we can't seem to get out of it, but we are here.  It is easier to say your feelings than to hold them inside! Hugs

[Thorn Wilde]

A friend of mine who suffers from clinical depression sent me this today, telling me that it describes in perfect detail exactly what his life feels like, or more precisely, doesn't feel like. So, I thought I should pass it on. Who knows, it might help someone.

 

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two (contains some language) (well, yes, of course it contains language, but I mean potentially offensive language)