help with people

[Bao]

sooo... i need help lol. how do you guys deal with freinds who cant really cope, and you've like known them for a really long time. and when you tell them, they just cant cope with it. how do you guys deal with that.

[NickolasJames8]

I know it'll be hard but maybe you should just move on, at least for now....give your freind time to think about what you told him(her?) and if they come around, you guys can go from there......good luck

[sumbloke]

Give em space if they're friends. It's a shock for some people and it takes them time to work it all out. Sometimes it seems like people just can't process the information. If they turn out to be real phobes and bigots then you may have to let go but give them a chance and let them know that you are giving them a chance. I hope it turns out ok bro - big people will generally come round when they think things through.

 

xx

sumbloke

[Bao]

>_> to day i was planning on getting them to say that they dont want to be my freind any more and that they hate me, so i can kick their ass and get over it and move on. but they did the weirdist ding. they wouldnt say yes or no to my questions.

im going to use my 5th consitutional right, and not answer that

or someding was their asnwer. what do you guys make of that. Edited December 7, 2005 by Bao

[Rocketcnj]

You told your so called friend you are Gay and he or she can't cope....well, as said you can give them time to deal and talk to you about it...if you told them yesterday and they didn't have a clue....let the shock wear off..or if you told them sometime ago and they still can't cope..and they won't tell you why.....I say time to let em go...its their issues and stuff and not yours..you are the same person you have always been...so you are Gay....you can say the same thing about them (yikes you are str8..I just can't deal) Hopefully, they can see that they are just being silly..but if they have issues..remember its their stuff not yours..

 

at that point, maybe its time (especially if they can't be mature enough to talk to you about it) to let it go and them too.

 

I was often surprised when I came Out...People I thought would have no issues whatsoever ended up being the biggest homophobes (even family members like a sister who has a Gay attorney, Gay realtor, Gay friends..yeah she loves me but she doesn't quite embrace me...and I know the difference and can feel her stuff....so thus she gets less of me...in her life....my sisters/family have large amounts of homophobia..I thought hers would be least..go figure)

 

Then there were people who I thought would never speak to me..but did I get them wrong...they have been nothing but cool and supportive....so you just never know..

 

Good Luck and remember you are ok and the same person you always have been..the friend with issues....well, unless they can get over pleading the 5th.....they will be the former friend with issues...just my humble opinion.

 

Good Luck:)

 

Michael

[DomLuka]

>_> to day i was planning on getting them to say that they dont want to be my freind any more and that they hate me, so i can kick their ass and get over it and move on. but they did the weirdist ding. they wouldnt say yes or no to my questions. or someding was their asnwer. what do you guys make of that.

 

Space is good. Just don

[Bao]

lol, ive told them months ago. and space is not really an issue cause they had a lot of that. i think the main reason i missed so much school is cause i wanted to avoid people cause of this. and its not really one person, more like 9 lol. and i told them i might be attracted to guys. the times i am at school, things just feel awkward. and they seem abit cold. lol. i wasnt very confontational when i asked them. and ass kicking is how i get over people and let them go as freinds. fighting resets my perception of that person from freind to enemy. and an enemy i dont really have to care for.

Edited December 7, 2005 by Bao

[JamesSavik]

Boa-

 

I'm afraid that you've run into the ugly side of coming out.

 

There are some people that will never accept you. I'm not saying that to be mean but it's true. Your best bet is to count your losses, move on and call it a day.

 

I've had a belly full of immature and insecure str8s. I have no problem blowing off people like that because you are just plain better off without their neurosis.

 

I know that it hurts but having homophobic str8s in your life is like having a splinter. You've got to get it out of your hide before it's going to get any better. Otherwise it'll just stay there festering and causing trouble.

 

There is an old expression that comes to mind: F- them if they can't take a joke.

 

You are a good guy and you do NOT need people around that you have to constantly apologize to for being who you are.

 

 

-JS

[Bev]

G'day Bao

 

First off, I want to say that I think you are a courageous young man.

 

Bao mate, from what you've said, your friends have decided to compartmentalize you and when you decided that it was time for you to stretch out a bit, and found you didn't fit in the box that they had put you in and so you stepped out of it.

 

If your friends can't deal with the fact that you no longer fit with what their perception they have of you, well to be honest, that is their problem!

 

Bao, you can't control what people think or how they look at you. All you can do be be you. And you are being you. And there is nothing wrong with being you and being real. As I said, it's their problem. You have given them time and space. And you have been more than fair and honest. And to repeat myself...really courageous.

 

It's not easy being 17 and in school and having to see the same people day after day especially if they claim to be your friends. True friends love and accept each other unconditionally.

 

You know what word I really dislike? It's the word tolerance. Tolerance means to put up with something or someone even if you can't stand them/it or what they do. Tolerance means enduring what you don't want to endure. Tolerance can lead to resentment and anxiety and anger. You don't have to tolerate what they are doing to you. You don't have to be tolerant!

 

I'm not from the US but I want to say something...

 

When your 'friends' decide that they want to quote the fifth amendment to you...maybe you should quote Thomas Jefferson when he said in the Declaration of Independance...

 

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness."

 

Cheers

Bev

[Rocketcnj]

Bev, I couldn't have said it any better nor more beautifully expressed....

 

Bao, you are who you are....be proud of whom you are...those that don't see that lose out on the beauty that is you....as to fighting...why waste the energy and it won't accomplish anything except get you and others hurt.

 

Stand tall, be proud and live freely as you wish....it is your inalienable right as Bev said:)

 

Michael

[AFriendlyFace]

Hey Bao,

I wish I could give you some good advice, but I really can't. I personally would suggest you avoid fighting with them OR even coming to think of them as enemies. An enemy isn't something anyone needs. If you guys can't be friends anymore perhaps you can at least go your seperate ways amicably. Having an Enemy is just a reciepe for bitterness and resentment, in my opinion. In fact my favorite quote goes like this:

 

Resentment is like drinking posion and waiting for the other person to die.

 

So anyway if you can't be friends at least try to move on without letting them leave you with pain. Also, and it may just be my gut reaction. But I'd say that that pleading the 5th thing, is actually kinda encouraging. It means at least that they don't WANT to hate you or hurt you. The sad thing is that they may NOT be able to deal with it, some people never can. I mean they may never come to "like" or even fully "accept" it, and what everyone's said is true. You definitely deserve friends who can accept you exactly as you are. But, perhaps you can still have a friendship of sorts with these other people. Friends never agree on EVERYTHING I usually find it best to just not bring up the differences and disagreements (especially in instances where neither person is going to change their minds/opinions anyway), and to instead focus on the common ground.

 

Anyway I hope it works out, and I wish I had something more helpful to suggest. Take care, and let us know how it goes.

 

AFriendlyFace (Kevin)

[albrich]

ok, I have a friend like that, I told him I was gay and he decided to kick my ass and never spoke to me again! it hurts, but that was a long time ago, and you know I have friends now that accepts me for who and what I am.

what I'm trying to say is that if your friends can't accept you for who and what you are...... then you're better of without them. Sounds cold but dude its just how the way things are.

Who knows, you might end up just like me, I finally found some friends that accpets me and you know what, I've never been happier!

good luck!

[JamesSavik]

AFF: So anyway if you can't be friends at least try to move on without letting them leave you with pain.

 

 

 

OK all of the replies have been from the "high road" school. This is impossible. It is going to cause pain.

 

Here's the good news: it doesn't have to be all your pain.

 

People that have known you for a long time and blow you off or keep you at arms length because you are gay have stolen from you. They have stolen your time, friendship, trust and loyalty. These are precious things that money can't buy.

 

If there is anything lower than a thief that steals material things, it is one that steals spiritual things. Such an act deserves horrific retaliation. If a junkie that steals $70 dollars from a stop-and-rob gets 10 years in prison, what does the a-hole that steals your spiritual treasures?

 

You won't feel right about it until you've given the a-hole a final F-U for the road.

 

Look- don't go out and do something stupid in the heat of the moment! Revenge is a dish best served cold. Very f-ing cold. When they least expect it. I've waited years for a plan to come together but it is so worth it to see your traitor scum squirm like the worm that he is.

 

Have a plan. Think it through. Let the trail grow cold. Forget about it for a while- say 3 to 9 months. Be creative. A dead hooker in the trunk is so pass

[Tim the Traveller]

Just remember you gotta pick your fights, and most importantly, "hit shit and it splatters". Thats the only advice i can offer, and kudos to you for being out while still in school. I cant even imagine what that must be like. GL whatever happens.

[TheZot]

Well, you've gotten the high road, and you've gotten the low road. Let me throw in the practical road.

 

You told this guy. He's had plenty of time, you've given what sounds like an appropriate amount of space. That's all good. The end result is that it seems he doesn't want to deal with you. That definitely sucks, and it's time to write him off. No real way around it, it's gonna hurt. At least it sounds like all you got here was distance -- there's been no violence, no obvious crap, he's not been bad-mouthing you, and he's not outed you.

 

The questions now are what do you need? And who do you want to be?

 

You can't make him like you again if he doesn't. You can't make him comfortable if he's not. You can't bring him back if he's gone. Sucks, but there you go. I can pretty much guarantee that this is going to happen again as you get older. It'll happen because of who turns your head, it'll happen because of your religion (or lack thereof), it'll happen because of your politics, it'll happen if you move away and come back again years later. Some people just can't cope. (Hell, at some point you might be in the position of rejecting someone you like because of their or your religion, politics, or personal choices)

 

So. This relationship's done. That hurts. Now what?

 

The ideal here is to walk up to him, lay it out, and leave. Tell him he was your friend, his rejection hurts, you're disappointed in him, and as far as you're concerned it's over. Then tell him if he figures out how to deal then he can find you and you can see where it goes from there. That's the best you can manage. It's not very good, but sometimes you're left to choose from a selection of sucky options.

 

If you can manage this, you should. That's where those pesky questions a few paragraphs back come in. Is that enough for you? Maybe it is. Hopefully it is, but if so you're a better man than I am. If not, what do you need to close this off? Maybe you do need a fight -- either a low key or a good vicious verbal one, or one where you try and pound the crap out of him. Maybe you do need some sort of revenge. Maybe you need to tell him to go f**k himself. Maybe you need something else.

 

Figuring that out'll tell you something important about yourself. It might not be something you like, but often those are the most important things to know. Just... be aware that there are personal consequences no matter what you do. Being bitter has a cost, and it's not a good one. So does violence, and so does hate. They feed on themselves and once you start that way it's tough to stop, and when (or if) you finally do you may well find there's a part of you that you don't very much like.

 

If you have to pay that cost to get it over with, then do it and be done with it. Do it knowing full well what you're doing, though. If you have to do something you don't like, you need to do it with your eyes wide open, knowing full well what you're doing and what it's going to cost you.

 

-Dan