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Review: "Unaccompanied Minor"


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After years and years of weirdness, I am happy to say that I am FINALLY getting the chance to review a story by Cirrus! This has been a long time coming, and after a few past mishaps, you'd think I'd be anxious to rip my NZ buddy a new one! LOL! But nope! I can honestly say that I enjoyed this story from beginning to end, and the time and effort that he put into every sentence shows in the writing. I will definitely say that Iwas truly impressed by "Unaccompanied Minor", and while the ending was perfect s it was, if he ever felt the need to continue on with the story, it wouldn't be dificult for him to pick it up right where he left off at all.

The story starts with 14 year old Liam, who is flying all the way around the world to continue his family's big move from New Zealand to England. Being an unaccompanied minor, flying without an adult present, gets him seated in a certain part of the plane. While at the airport, he comes across a young cutie named Devon, who luckily seems to be heading his way. And as an unaccompanied minor himself, the two boys end up sitting together for a very VERY long flight. And then sharing a room together during an overnight layover in Korea. What transpires from that point is a very sweet and lovable story. You want to fall in love with these characters. You cheer for them every step of the way, the shy sweethearts that they are. The situations are believable. Not rushed. And Devon makes me smile. Can't help it. I've got a bit of a shy guy fetish myself. Hehehe!


Also, Liam and Devon have some very 'interesting' tastes for their Kindle reading lists. Hehehe! :: Bows For Cirrus :: That, we'll talk about later. But you know you're my buddy. Always. And thank you.... :)


Now, I'm not really a big fan of using parentheses in stories. And if they are used, I'd saydo so sparingly. But that's my personal preference. As I reader, I'd say to maybe cut back on that a little bit, as usually a comma works just as well. Also, there were a few scenes that were detailed in the 'narrative' sense, but seein as the characters were so adorable, I kind of wanted to se them interact more with their dialogue. Like, there's a part on the plan where the story tells us that Devon is telling Liam about his backstory. I want to HEAR that story. I want to hear it from his lips, in his voice. How does he tell it? How does he feel about it? I think there were a few parts in the story where the narrative got the job done, but a little more personal dialogue between the boys would have given it even more of a flare. Like the spa pool scene, extending that just a LITTLE bit longer with a few bashful flirtations and giggles could really give everyone reading a warm feeling in the stomach. Those emotions are there, I say just polish them a little bit. It'll leave people grinning from ear to ear.


One other thing that I noticed...


If I were Cirrus, for a story like this one, I would avoid the 'C' word. Now there's nothing wrong with mentioning 'cock', hehehe! Not at all. But for this particular story, I think I would have gone a different way with it. It sucks trying to come up with different ways to say it that A) Don't sound vulgar or cheesy, or B) Don't sound as though you pulled them out of a medical book, but finding a few other terms for that sexy tool we're all drooling over can sometimes help to keep things consistent. It wasn't bad, but I noticed. Because it was a really sweet 'PG-13' type of story, and that kinda bumped it up to 'XXX' in a hurry. I thought the sexy parts of the story were beautifully done, but....the ONE word...sometimes it makes all the difference in how readers react to the story as a whole.


So there you have it! My first Cirrus review! This was th result of his 'Writing For 30 Days Straight' challenge, and he created something that I thought was really heartfelt and engaging. So check it out when you get a chance. It was a submission in Imagine Magazine, Issue 13 (http://imagine-magazine.org/im-online/volume-13/unaccompanied-minor/)! Give it a read, and comment and let him know what you think!

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Yay!!!! Comsie read my story!!! And he liked it!!!! Happy dance! Happy dance!


Maybe I should write a really bad story now, just so you can get some payback for all the... errr... constructive comments I've made over the years.


You write really good reviews you know that? You take the time to say what you like about the story, but you also mention the things you think could be improved. I appreciated that. Responding to some of your specific comments:


1) Heh, if I complain about you overusing exclamation marks, I think you're more than entitled to complain about me overusing parentheses. I'll have to look over the story again - it might be one of those habits that crept insidiously into my writing.


2). Dialogue versus narrative. Get your point - I'll have to read through the story again looking out for that to see if I feel it would make sense in the circumstances. I suspect this is one of those situations where we're attacking the story from the oppsosite ends of the style spectrum... you like to take the time to illustrate every emotion and inner thought of the characters, I focus first on keeping the story moving forward. We probably end up in more or less the same place, just begin from different starting points.


3). Yep, I understand where you're coming from. Sounding like a broken record - I'll have to read it again to see where it pops up. I think its a fine line picking the appropriate term... too "uncouth" and it reads like a cheap porno... get too elaborate with your euphemisms and it reads like... well a different sort of cheap porno. :) (I remember reading a few pages of some porn book where it was all about putting his inflating mushroom into her crimson flower... a dozen similar analogies and three pages later...).

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