Comicality Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I want to start off by saying that I'm glad to be back to sharing my thoughts on some of the stories that I've read online! And while it can be difficult to do it on a weekly basis with everything else going on, I have a ton of fun trying! So I'll try to keep the Monday reviews coming on Monday nights when I can! Cool? Starting off this week, comes a new story from LemonFresh entitled "Damaged Goods". I honestly can't say enough that writing is more than just an art and a craft...it's a muscle. The more you work it out, the stronger it gets. And LemonFresh's practice really shows here. Even though it's only two chapters long, and we may need a few more to really get into the story as a whole, he's off to an excellent start. It's a story that grabs you in the first few paragraphs and builds momentum as the plot moves forward. Like I said, his practice has paid off. The characters really shine and I can't WAIT to get to them know them a little better. The story is about young Nick Whiller, who is starting high school for the first time in a new schooling district not far from home, but away from a vast majority of his other friends from before. Now, without telling too much, Nick had a bit of a 'freak out' incident (as he calls it) at his old school. One that ALL of the other students remember. And as we all know, gossip is the only thing in the universe that moves faster than the speed of light. So the story starts out with Nick being outcast from the life he had before, and rejected from having a chance at a fresh start. And things begin to travel on from there. A very clever technique used in the writing this time around was the way LemonFresh doesn't tell you the whole story at once. No long explanation in the beginning of the story to spill it all at your feet, and no interrupting the flow of the story in the middle by tossing in a lengthy flashback. Instead, the reader gets drawn in by having small bits and pieces of the story delivered to them without revealing the whole story. You're 'forced' to keep reading, which adds to the fun. These pieces of the back story are given through the introduction of supporting characters and their interactions with Nick during his first day at school. And just when you think you understand it all, the back story deepens. Especially with his friend Loan, and 'Mike'. And even then, there's more to know. So very clever. I liked that a lot as it creates a real momentum in the story telling. Also, by not knowing what's 'around the next corner', story wise, I actually felt a bit lost and awkward along with the main character. Not knowing what to respect or how people are going to react. It puts you in that same mindset. If that was intentional, then it's brilliant. And if not, then it's natural instinct genius. You win either way. I LOVE the 'lessons' included with each chapter. I thought that was cool. Wise words to live by, too. I, personally, would leave out the colons and semicolons out of the rest of the text, though. Not a big thing, but I think they give the 'lesson' statements their own little sparkle when they're only used for that part of the story. (It sounds weird, I know. Hehehe, but it was something I noticed. By only using the colons for the lesson posts, they stand out a bit more. A little thing, but something to think about.) I also love how Nick seems to either be dismissive or defensive about how the gossiping teenagers talk about him or stare at him with judgmental eyes. But when it comes to Drew...he really CARES what Drew thinks about him. I say that you should definitely play that up. It gives a subliminal nod about his true feelings without him saying, "He's so beautiful. I'm in love." The way you're doing it is much more intriguing. I dig that. It took some getting used to, seeing Nick's thoughts being put in italics. I was going to mention that at first, because I thought it could be told just with the prose alone and you'd get the same effect. However, but the time he had gotten to school and was going to the office, I learned to love it. Because it's almost like watching Nick go to war with his own troubled thoughts. Sometimes he seems sad, but he's trying to gather strength. Sometimes he seems angry, but he's trying to calm himself down. Sometimes he wants to stand tall, but a part of him just wants to disappear. So having the story, his thoughts, and his dialogue, all going on at once...I think it gives the story another dimension all it's own. So congrats, LemonFresh! I think you really found your voice with this story! There are still a few small errors that I would watch out for. Like I believe I've said before, it looks like you write a lot like I do. Almost as if you're speaking it out loud in your head. I have a lot of trouble with this sometimes, and even when I go back to edit I might miss it 2 or 3 times in a row. For example, in one place you wrote, "Every so often I found my mind wondering back to them." Now, if we had been having a verbal conversation, and I was listening to your voice, I would have understood completely and not paid any attention to it at all. Unfortunately, the written word isn't so forgiving. So I think the correct way is "-Ever- so often I found my mind -wandering- back to them." (I think. I might have to look up that first part) But that's where having a second pair of eyes looking over your stuff to help edit comes in handy. All in all, awesome story! Short, but it shows a lot of promise! And the more he writes, the better he gets! So check him out at The ChatShack (Under the section, "The Lemon Tree"), and give "Damaged Goods" a look! And be sure to drop him a line to let him know what you think! (So we can get that 3rd chapter jumping! Ahem! )
Comicality Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 Sorry! Forgot the link! http://irc.shackoutback.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=section&id=22&Itemid=97
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