If I were an Evil Overlord

[Myr]

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays

well,there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.

However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies

invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed

that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad

scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same

basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become

an Evil Overlord:

 

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass

visors, not face-concealing ones.

 

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

 

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,

not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

 

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

 

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept

on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the

Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same

applies to the object which is my one weakness.

 

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicatment before killing

them.

 

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and

asks,"Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply

will be, "No, just sensible."

 

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say,"No." and shoot him.

 

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married

immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in

three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

 

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely

necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button

labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not

Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid

enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

 

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who

is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

 

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a

small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

 

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no

need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

 

14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an

accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies

wouldn't believe it.

 

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word

"mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

 

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any

flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before

implementation.

 

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several

rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the

bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as

any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the

aforementioned disposal.

 

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as

members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear

military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

 

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or

any other form of last request.

 

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I

find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to

activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting

his plan into operation.

 

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a

mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently

twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage

he's caused.

 

22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you,

there's just one thing I want to know."

 

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen

to their advice.

 

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned

attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal

distraction at a crucial point in time.

 

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she

was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd

betray her own father.

 

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge

in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss

unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

 

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original

uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-

offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my

troops to have a more positive mind-set.

 

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,

I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

 

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my

troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to

neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue

energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

 

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and

weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,

at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM

INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

 

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct

any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

 

32. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,

there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate

to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner

sent to my bedchamber.

 

33. I will never build only one of anything important. For the

same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

 

34. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will

immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the

defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my

inner sanctum to attempt this.

 

35. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it

cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

 

36. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living

forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

 

37. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my

enemies into confusion.

 

38. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and

cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My

foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no

source of comic relief.

 

39. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced

with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected

reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

 

40. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously

resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life

through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

 

41. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me

bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

 

42. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange

clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me,

claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

 

43. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization

to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

 

44. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's

party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

 

45. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

 

46. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look

diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of

Generation X.

 

47. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell

block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I

will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of

handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

 

48. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are

losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

 

 

49. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or

offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards me in my old age.

 

50. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not

ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my

opposite number among his army.

 

51. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an

unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as

possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

 

52. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky

time-travel devices.

 

53. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me

or being executed.

 

54. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,

monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable

of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

 

55. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture

the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and

good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

 

56. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those

who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

 

57. I will not rely entirely upon ``totally reliable'' spells that

can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

 

58. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is

responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general

screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And

here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

 

59. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What

can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

 

 

60. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me,

I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting

for him to mature.

 

61. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or

technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

 

62. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can

destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

 

63. My main computers will have their own special operating system

that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and

Macintosh powerbooks.

 

64. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized.

While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

 

65. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the

conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately

transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

 

66. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors

to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and

abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

 

67. If the beautiful princess that I captures says "I'll never

marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and

kill her.

 

68. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt

to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

 

69. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their

place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on

important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

 

70. My legions of terror will be trained in basic marksmanship.

Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be

used for target practice.

 

71. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will

carefully read the owner's manual.

 

72. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose

dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

 

73. I'll never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

 

74. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher

any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30

seconds, it will not be used.

 

75. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a

mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that

satisfies them.

 

76. I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

 

77. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding

structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a

firefight.

 

78. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless

trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet

access.

[Bao]

what would you do if you get bored of being evil?

[reapersharvest]

I don't know, I'm generally in favor of dramatic posing followed by one liners.

[rknapp]

I don't know, I'm generally in favor of dramatic posing followed by one liners.

 

Nah, it wastes time and allows the enemy to get closer.

 

 

You should also consider the location of your lair. You wouldn't want some hurricane, tornado, fire, flood, lightning storm, avalanche, tsunami, or otehr natural disaster to destroy it, much less be near something that the hero can use to gain entry.

[shadows]

Those of you who aspire to be evil over lords and don't recognize the origin of that list, please hand over your aspirant card at the door. That list was taken from eviloverlord.com one of my favourite sites. Always good for a laugh.

 

I'm in favor of the all black rule meself. And a cape. We can't forget the cape. Also, I'd be an evil over lord in crushing my enemies, not towards my subjects. It's hard to fight a revolution when it's your own army who's rebeling.

 

//shadows

[sat8997]

Those of you who aspire to be evil over lords and don't recognize the origin of that list, please hand over your aspirant card at the door. That list was taken from eviloverlord.com one of my favourite sites. Always good for a laugh.

 

I'm in favor of the all black rule meself. And a cape. We can't forget the cape. Also, I'd be an evil over lord in crushing my enemies, not towards my subjects. It's hard to fight a revolution when it's your own army who's rebeling.

 

//shadows

Apparently, you have forgotten Edna Moles's cape lesson from The Incredibles.

 

Sharon

[Myr]

Apparently, you have forgotten Edna Moles's cape lesson from The Incredibles.

 

Sharon

Exactly what I thought of when I read it.

[JamesSavik]

I thought you were an evil overlord Myr.

[Myr]

SHHHHHH!

78. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet

access to gay stories.

 

[shadows]

Exactly what I thought of when I read it.

 

 

Yeah, I winced at that scene. But honestly, with the proper care and maintenance a cape is no more deadly than your average article of clothing. I mean even your shoe laces can be costly/deadly as evidenced in this case. So, just be careful.

[Myr]

Bump... just because.

Myr

[Kurt]

Wow... interesting.

Kurt

Edited June 12, 2006 by Kurtie

[Drewbie]

um um um. Cool.

[Empathy]

um um um. Cool.

 

 

I've often dreamed of being an evil overlord.

[C James]

Thanks for bumping this, Myr! I wasn't around when it was first posted.

 

This had me in stitches!! It's hilarious!

 

And, I for one think that Myr makes an excellent evil overlord!

[dkstories]

*sigh*

 

A true Evil Overlord kills the hero, takes his younger brothers and raises them in his home, besotting them with wine and sexual pleasures, and then training them to help rule over the lesser beings of my evil empire.

 

The younger sisters get married off to handsome young troopers in my evil legions who rise up to be officers, giving their wives social status and fun...

 

Then my spies watch them day after day until someone tries to contact them and get them to join the resistance. That will lead me to the Resistance...and I can clean house again.

[JamesSavik]

Then my spies watch them day after day until someone tries to contact them and get them to join the resistance. That will lead me to the Resistance...and I can clean house again.

 

Sigh... there's always that pesky La Resistance.

 

And why the F* are they always FRENCH!?

[Drewbie]

Sigh... there's always that pesky La Resistance.

 

And why the F* are they always FRENCH!?

 

Hmm I have a few ideas

 

I like this post

[Jacen]

zomg, I know where this is from! I love this book. There's more in the article than Myr posted. I think there's also a website somewhere.

Edited September 11, 2006 by Jacen

[jalaki]

*cough* If I were an Evil Overlord */cough*

 

 

Hehehe....but that aside, gotta love the list. A few more we could add...

 

 

- I will not place my enemies, once captured, into some kind of "inescapable" maze or trap or a "certain death" situation. I will immediately and personally kill them if possible, or will have a subordinate immediately perform this task before my very eyes.

 

- Never, ever, shall I utter the words "Victory is mine."

 

- If I begin life on the side of 'good' I will not fall in love with a woman. If I do, I will not marry her and have children. If I do, I will not promptly forget about my pregnant wife and/or offspring for the next twenty years so they can later join my opposition.

 

 

 

Hopefully none of those were covered, but redundancy doesn't hurt anyway

[knotme]

At first, this list looked like a guide for the hide-bound, thick-headed, would-be evil overlord, and a manual for writers of related fiction. But then, as I read on an on, I've begun to reconsider my planned change of occupation. Goodness, can't an evil overlord have any fun? An earlier poster hinted that the job might just get boring. Evil overlords need an exit strategy.

 

Just getting into Cormac McCarthy's No Country for Old Men, I cannot resist adding this slightly off-topic item, better suited for an average guy than an overlord: If while hunting in the outback, you stumble across a big wad of cash in old, unmarked bills, along with one witness who might identify you (everyone else is shot up and dead as doornails), and you've still got plenty of ammo, and you decide to take the money, then plug the witness now, not hours later.

Edited September 12, 2006 by knotme

[Myr]

A forgotten favorite of mine.

[Drew Espinosa]

A forgotten favorite of mine.

Seeing that OP, you'd never be defeated by the Hero. And I shall be your loyal subject

 

 

PS: And you already have your own capital city, lol.

[JamesSavik]

 

 

Why are the rebels always FRENCH!?