Infuriating

[Dabeagle]

As a foster parent who has adopted from the foster system, I have heard some horrible stories. As a mater of fact, you may have read stories about kids in foster care - but what you don't hear is the reasons they got there. For instance, we had interest in a child whose father had duct taped him at night and placed him in a dog kennel with a sock in his mouth as a matter of course. We had a child in our home whose mother duct taped her to a chair because she wouldn't hold still - and still doesn't see the problem. My own son still has fears about the police because his addicted mother and he were in a motel room when it was raided.

 

Of course, I'm not here to defend all foster parents, either. Although I can say I thought our own screening process was fairly invasive, I have heard this is not so in other states and with other agencies/counties. In fact there was recently a story about an agency in the U.S. that is for-profit foster care. Imagine, working the system to make money off kids who can't be at home with their families.

 

As gay parents we are pilloried by the some as unfit from the get-go. Others wonder how our child has a hope of growing up normally. I had a close family member, when told that we'd like to adopt a child who has come out as our second child, tell us they thought it would be damaging to our son if he were surrounded by gays. I politely asked how those gay kids must feel, surrounded by all those straights, then?

 

But what brings me here now is something I just can't stomach. To be clear, there are tons and tons of kids with all kinds of damage in and out of the foster care system. While there are different ages at which people gain maturity (some never do) with reference to their interpersonal relations, they are universally placed at a disadvantage when they enter into something with an adult. It calls to mind a child we were very interested in. Slim, large glasses that gave him a bookish appearance. Smart, in AP classes. We wanted so badly to open our home to him. But his grandfather decided it was okay to have relations with him. And then his father did as well. Then he perpetuated it on his sister. This is that cycle, the angry child that can't form bonds with others in their adulthood.

 

One of the things that frequently either gets overlooked or simply interpreted completely differently is the older female with the younger male. Frequently you'll hear older males say they wished they'd had a teacher do that to them. Some will say there's no victim, likely because we see the male as the penetrative partner and thus, in his sexual prime, he's just getting laid. This isn't the case, however. The psychological damage can be quite high and leads to intimacy issues that can last a lifetime.

 

That's why adults like this drive me crazy - but what really pushes me over the edge is the family and friends of the victim, who sent the teacher letters of support. Really? If this were an older male with a male or female, they'd be calling for blood.

 

Read it here. I like the judges comments.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Dabeagle

[Valkyrie]

The double-standard when it comes to sexual abuse of boys vs. girls is mind-boggling.  That anyone can defend that teacher is reprehensible.  Abuse is abuse no matter what gender.  Unfortunately, my family knows first hand the worst the system has to offer and the long-term effects that it produces.  Thank you for being one of the good ones. 

[Puppilull]

To me, the notion that she did nothing wrong is symptomatic to the view of men. Still today, men are supposed to just grin and bear it. Male sufferers of domestic abuse are ridiculed. As the boy in this case, they are thought to always be ready and willing to have sex.

 

Women have fought for years to break free from the constricting gender role given to them. During this fight, men have been mostly quiet about their own situation. Some of the progress for women have benefited men (for instance, fathers in Sweden can go on parental leave, a benefit women who wanted and needed to work fought for), but I think men would need a liberation movement of their own. But speaking up against this, takes guts. Just like those women 100 years ago, you'll need a very thick skin.

[Daddydavek]

Sexual exploitation of children is an age old problem that is self-perpetuating and seems to be found in just about every culture.  Human trafficking is a real problem even in the 21st Century and it is closer to home than many realize.  We think we are so civilized and yet the veneer is frightfully thin.  Boys as victims are not any less vulnerable than girls.

 

Sex is a beautiful gift that many can't seem to appreciate without making it sordid and dirty or into a power trip.  

[Zombie]

Surely the defining feature here is that it was an abusive relationship involving breach of trust by a teacher who was in a position of authority and exploited her authority over a vulnerable under-aged child.

[Cia]

I grew up in a small, still backwards, area where things were easily shrugged off. A high school male shop teacher reported for telling a girl who asked him for a screw for a project to "Bend over, and I'll give you one." wasn't even brought before the school board. When I, as a 4th grader, burst into tears during one of those simulated 'Tell an adult' skits, was questioned the school officials the day after they called home, where I'd been told to keep my mouth shut about the past because it was in the past, nothing went further. Why? I kept my mouth shut. I knew I'd get in huge trouble if family secrets got out. My best friend growing up was fostered and then adopted into a home where the parents also had a natural child, and she always dealt clear double standards. I grew up in a blended family, and did as well, so we all had that in common, but since it wasn't overt, horrific abuse we just lived with it. We didn't know any better.

 

Now we do. We both still have personal and family difficulties based on our pasts, but we've both helped each other to remember we don't want to be our parents. Our kids don't have to live the way we did. Social mores are less important than protecting the innocent, to the detriment of those who hide in places where they hold positions of authority, like the clergy and teachers.

 

Our society still makes mistakes. People who shouldn't have kids do, all the time, and those kids pay for it. People who think it's okay to ignore the hurt others because they want something, or believe their wishes are more important, aren't always viewed as the criminals they are. The only thing we can do is focus on being the best person we can be and helping others as much as possible. I see commercials all the time that say something that seems kitchy, but it is actually very profound: Not every person can be a foster parent, but every person can help a foster child. It's true, and not just foster children who've been identified and should be getting help. Anyone can help anyone else. Small things DO matter when viewed on a community-wide scale, because the more we try to improve our society to raise the wellbeing of everyone in it, the more people are likely to see a good example and learn from it.

 

Share food with someone who's hungry if you can't make a monetary donation. Serve in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Donate your gently used goods or take the initiative to offer clean blankets, hats, and gloves to homeless people during winter if you can afford it. Sponsor a family during the holidays for food and gifts or go visit an assisted living facility and take handmade cards if you have few resources because a smile, a pat on the hand, and a Happy Holidays shows you care to people who are often forgotten by those still stuck in the hustle and bustle of their own lives. This is the foundation of my non-religious denomination belief system: We should always be on the lookout to help our fellow men and women, girls and boys. As human beings our duty is not just to not hurt our fellow people but to help others within our capacity to do so because it is the right thing to do.

[JamesSavik]

1st day of 7th grade I was in a fight before the home room bell rang.

 

 

I was kept waiting for a half-hour before I was summoned into Vice-Principle Harry Walther's office.

 

He had me sit down across the desk from him. Coach T was sitting in another chair. There was a file on the desk. This all felt sickeningly familiar.

 

Mr. Walthers asked, “Jimmy, what happened?”

 

I wanted to run but there was nowhere to go. I was in a quiet panic. I shook all over. I didn't want to say anything. I had answered their questions before. They said that everything would be OK. They lie. I looked down at the floor and muttered, “I don't want to talk about it sir.”

 

Walther's snickered, “Taking the fifth are we? That's OK for now Jimmy but we're going to have to get to the bottom of this. Coach T, can you give me any insight into what happened?”

 

Coach T sat up in his chair and answered looking me in the eye; “I was taking row call in my homeroom class when I heard a disturbance across the hall. I went over to Carroway's room as fast as I could and saw Jimmy here mopping the floor with three guys. He was very angry and it looked like he was going to take on the whole classroom. I had to pick him up and physically remove him from the room.”

 

Walthers grinned, “Took on the whole room did you?”

 

Coach T chuckled, “Yeah. Jimmy here is a little badass. He's strong as an ox.”

 

“Any idea what it was about?” Walthers asked chewing on his pencil.

 

Coach T shook his head.

 

Walthers was playing “good cop”. I'd seen it on TV. He opened the file on his desk and said, “Jimmy, I've looked at your record from your old school. You are an A and B student and you've never been any trouble. You were a stand out football player and defensive MVP on an unbeaten team. Frankly, you just aren't the kid I was expecting to see here on the first day. Talk to us. What's wrong? We'll help if we can.”

 

Sure you will. I thought. What could I say? If this got back to my Dad, and why... Shit. Shit, Shit, shit!

 

I wasn't disappointed in my assessment of the “good cop/bad cop” routine. As I predicted, after I rebuffed Walthers with silence, Coach T charged into the role of bad cop. “Jimmy, this is serious. You did a number on Eric's face.”

 

“It's just too damn bad that I didn't break his neck”, I growled with an intensity that could only be generated by pure hatred.

 

Walther's and Coach T were stunned by my vehemence. Walthers asked quietly, “Jimmy, what's wrong between you and Eric Rainer?”

 

I was trapped. There was no way out. Silent bitter tears rolled down my face. “Please... please, please, can't you see that I can't talk about this? My Dad made me swear that I wouldn't.”

 

Walthers said softly, “Then I've got no choice. I'm going to have to call your Dad in for a conference.”

 

At the mention of my Dad being called into this, I lost it. I went down on the floor in a ball sobbing uncontrollably and begging no, no, no.

 

Principle Walthers and Coach T were stunned. They both came around the desk to see too me. I was out of it babbling: “No, please don't, he won't want me anymore.”

 

Coach T said quietly to Principle Walthers, “Harry, something is bad wrong here.” He put his hand on my back and I jumped. I heard him mutter, “Jesus Christ. It's just like out of the textbooks.”

 

Coach T gently rubbed my back and spoke softly, “I'm not going to hurt you Jimmy. I'm going to help you to the nurse's office.” The big, powerful man picked me up in one smooth, gentle move and started carrying me to the nurse's office.

 

It felt good to be held. It felt good to be touched. I don't think that my parents consciously did it, but they quit touching me after my horrific “birthday party”. It felt like the way my Dad used to hold me. I held on to Coach T. I held on to him tight with my eyes closed pretending that it was my Dad- the Dad that I used to know.

 

After a short walk to the school nurse's office, he put me down on the examination table. I rolled over on my side and faced away from everyone. Coach T, Mr. Walthers and the Nurse conferred outside the office for a few minutes. Then the nurse and Coach T came back in the room.

 

The nurse said, “Jimmy, I'm Miss Green. I want to check you out after the fight that you were in. Could you take off your shirt and jeans?”

I sat up and did as she asked. She looked me over carefully not finding anything very interesting except for a good red spot on my back where Billy Wheeler had kicked me and a knot on my head.

A nice knot had risen where Eric's pal had nicked me with a chair. I hadn't given it much thought but with her poking around, it was tender. The hit had caused a small cut on which she dabbed some ointment. Satisfied that I wasn't too banged up, she told me that I could get dressed. While I was dressing, she asked me to wait there when I was done. I lied down on the examination table and closed my eyes. A nap would be nice but I knew that sleep wouldn't come. There was too much going on and my mind was racing.

 

I lay there for a while but my nerves were shot so I got up and started pacing around the room. Had I seriously hurt Eric? I had always thought he was OK. He wasn't nearly as big a jerk as his older brother Bob. When I had spoken to him earlier that summer before my parental imposed isolation, we had joked around like we always had. He had hurt me with his comments. I was very angry with him but he had been a friend not so long ago.

 

Before too long Coach T came back into the room and sat down with me and motioned for me to join him. He said, “Jimmy, I hear you're a pretty good linebacker. You want to play football this year?”

 

That had been the last thing on my mind but it was something that would please my Dad. “Yeah, I'd like that a lot.”

 

Coach T grinned wide, “I'm sure that I could use you on my squad. You're one of the bigger 7th graders to come through here in a while.”

 

I replied, “Coach, right now I feel like I'm a lot bigger on the outside than I am on the inside.”

 

He nodded knowingly. “We've been asking around and we talked to Bob Rainer when he picked up Eric. We know what the fight was about. Jimmy, are you a homosexual?”

 

The anger came back in a flash. “There's that damned word again. I don't even know what a homersexual is!”

 

Coach T looked at me sadly and asked quietly, “Has it caused you a lot of trouble at home?”

 

“OH, not really. My parents hate me now and I've lost all my friends. Everything is just fucking peachy.”

 

“Watch the language Jimmy. I know that you're upset but I draw the line at the F-word.” he scolded. “Now I'm going to ask you a question and it's important that you be honest about it. You won't get in trouble but we need to know: is your Dad hitting you?”

 

I was sick to death of questions that I needed to be honest about and wouldn't get me in trouble. I was going to outsmart the bastards this time so I lied, “No.”

 

Coach looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Why are you so afraid of your Dad?”

 

I looked down at the floor. Could I trust this guy? I needed to talk to somebody. All the stuff inside me made me crazy. After pausing for a moment it all came out, “Coach, ever since Rainer came over and told my Dad that I was a fag, he hasn't looked at me the same. My Mom cries all the time. They try to hide it but I hear them fighting. I don't want to cause any more trouble than I already have. I'm afraid they'll divorce. I'm afraid that they don't want me anymore.”

 

Coach T sighed deeply and said, “You don't want to add fuel to the fire. That's understandable. Look. I'm going to talk to Walther's about this. Would you have any objections to moving into my homeroom?”

 

I nodded eagerly. Coach T was the first adult that I had met in quit a while that wasn't completely insane. It was a welcome change of pace.

 

Kids don't understand. They're afraid and often times can't trust the very people they should.

 

Nothing makes a bigger mess of their ability to trust like abuse.

 

They are going to try to protect what they have.

Edited March 23, 2015 by jamessavik

[Sasha Distan]

As a teacher, this makes me especially sick.

Abuse of power is just that, and it turns my stomach in a manner that makes me feel guilty. We (teachers) keep demanding to be trusted to get on with our work and use our professional judgement, but every time something like this comes to light, I realise why we will never never never be allowed to do that.

[MrM]

I wish that a boy's innocence was as valuable as a girl's seems to be.

 

Innocence and virginity in boys seem to be a scourge to be gotten rid of as soon as may be, but once those two things are gone so is a certain kind of openness and joy. A wisdom sets in as well as the deep hunger of sexual gratification. Sex becomes like a drug to a young heart not yet ready to deal with this powerful drive. It becomes a near all consuming obsession and so much that is good and happy in those early teen years gets passed over. Things that lead to healthy maturation and a solid foundation for strong emotional development.

 

To expose someone so young to sex too early is to steal the rest of his childhood and to stunt his ability to become a strong, stable, and confident man. It is a deep emotional injury hidden in the momentary extacy of an orgasm.

 

More dangerous is that the bond that forms during sex is strong and its breaking can often break a boy to pieces. They become more prone to suicide and/or substance abuse when that inevitable pain hits. They cannot cope with it. They are not mature enough to survive it unscathed. This danger is compounded by the fact that boys are still not allowed to express themselves when they are breaking. They must 'man up'. Let me ask you. How can you 'man up' when you are not yet a man?

 

In its way, the non-penetrative rape of a boy can be just as devestating to him as a penetrative rape. 

[Zombie]

 

Innocence and virginity in boys seem to be a scourge to be gotten rid of as soon as may be, but once those two things are gone so is a certain kind of openness and joy. A wisdom sets in as well as the deep hunger of sexual gratification. Sex becomes like a drug to a young heart not yet ready to deal with this powerful drive. It becomes a near all consuming obsession and so much that is good and happy in those early teen years gets passed over. Things that lead to healthy maturation and a solid foundation for strong emotional development.

 

To expose someone so young to sex too early is to steal the rest of his childhood and to stunt his ability to become a strong, stable, and confident man. It is a deep emotional injury hidden in the momentary extacy of an orgasm.

 

More dangerous is that the bond that forms during sex is strong and its breaking can often break a boy to pieces. They become more prone to suicide and/or substance abuse when that inevitable pain hits. They cannot cope with it. They are not mature enough to survive it unscathed. This danger is compounded by the fact that boys are still not allowed to express themselves when they are breaking. They must 'man up'. Let me ask you. How can you 'man up' when you are not yet a man?

 

The boy was 15. That's quite a typical age for first time sex. Parents may frown, but then their memories often aren't so good...

[Cia]

The main issue within the news topic is not the age of the teenager having sex in relation to just being sexually active, but in the fact that the person involved with him was 1) so much older and 2) in a position of authority. There are some people who such acts are even more egregious because their whole purpose is to protect and nurture children and teens as they grow to adults--and it's the rare 15 year old with the mental stability and maturity to make adult decisions.

[Zombie]

The main issue within the news topic is not the age of the teenager having sex in relation to just being sexually active, but in the fact that the person involved with him was 1) so much older and 2) in a position of authority. There are some people who such acts are even more egregious because their whole purpose is to protect and nurture children and teens as they grow to adults--and it's the rare 15 year old with the mental stability and maturity to make adult decisions.

 

I believe I already made that point...

 

 

Surely the defining feature here is that it was an abusive relationship involving breach of trust by a teacher who was in a position of authority and exploited her authority over a vulnerable under-aged child.

[Cia]

I didn't quote you, because I wasn't speaking just to your comment. But your point that parents don't remember being 15 is far too broad, and I would respond to that. I'm a parent. I remember being 15. Thankfully my kids aren't teens for a few more years. Yet, I also see the many of the teens of my contemporaries who had their children as teenagers are now not really capable of making great decisions; they don't think of the consequences of their actions and tend to be very 'in the moment' even if they're engaging in dangerous behavior.  That's even with the very clear example their parents made of "Don't do what we did!"

 

Teens really shouldn't be having sex. Reality is that they will, of course, but if they just waited until their brain could catch up with their body it'd be far safer.

[MrM]

I didn't quote you, because I wasn't speaking just to your comment. But your point that parents don't remember being 15 is far too broad, and I would respond to that. I'm a parent. I remember being 15. Thankfully my kids aren't teens for a few more years. Yet, I also see the many of the teens of my contemporaries who had their children as teenagers are now not really capable of making great decisions; they don't think of the consequences of their actions and tend to be very 'in the moment' even if they're engaging in dangerous behavior.  That's even with the very clear example their parents made of "Don't do what we did!"

 

Teens really shouldn't be having sex. Reality is that they will, of course, but if they just waited until their brain could catch up with their body it'd be far safer.

 

Yes. I support this notion.

[Zombie]

 

Teens really shouldn't be having sex. Reality is that they will, of course, but if they just waited until their brain could catch up with their body it'd be far safer.

 

well yes, but then we all believe in motherhood and apple pie

 

The reality is that humans have always had and always will have sex before they "should".

 

And 15 is pretty unexceptional. So there's a good chunk of adult societies walking around that had their first sex at around that age. Plenty of research exists that shows this. Adults might not like it - whether or not they behaved similarly - but that doesn't and won't change the reality.

[Dabeagle]

I don't think the central topic is 'at what age should kids have sex?' but more the fact that they can and are damaged by having these relationships with adults. In this particular case, highlighting the difference between the reactions when it's a male victim with an older female versus an older male with a younger female/male. Bloody murder would be screamed to the rafters.

 

Also, to simply accept something because it's occurred before and, in some cases, will again isn't reason to simply sit back and let it be. It reminds me of my ex-wife and her philosophy on drugs, in this case pot. Her son expressed interest in it. So, rather than explain the state of things and make it off limits, she bought him some to try.

 

My son will have sex one day and he'll be armed with all the knowledge he'll allow into his stubborn brain. That doesn't make it okay for an adult to start a relationship with him and I wouldn't sit back and let it be. Nor, do I think, most would if confronted with their own children or neighbors.