[LittleBuddhaTW] Connor's rape experience

[LittleBuddhaTW]

I posted this in my blog, but since I'm not sure everyone reads it (I admit, it's pretty boring! lol), and since it's relevant here and could make for some good discussion, I thought I'd post it:

 

"One thing I'd like to point out is Connor's reaction to the rape. One person pointed out that he didn't like the fact that Connor seemed "fine" with everything too quickly. I think it's important to remember that everyone's reaction to that kind of experience is different, and those things tend to fester for a while and then suddenly, when least expected, the victim will often have a reaction. Also, remember that Connor is heavily sedated while he is at the hospital. Were his reactions to his sponge bath and the twins "appropriate" or "realistic"? For him, they were. Obviously, his experience in Ch. 11 has changed his life in many ways, and there will be much more on how he deals with it, over a period of time, sometimes in small ways, and sometimes in more dramatic ways. Just keep that in mind as you're reading."

 

What bothered me about what this (one) person said was the fact that Connor seemed so normal after the rape was so unrealistic and ruined the story for him. However, I've gotten a bunch of e-mails (and just received a PM) from people who've said I'm spot on with the portrayal, emphasizing that every individual's reaction is indeed different and unique. And I don't know if this is a "spoiler" or not, but the issue is far from over, and will manifest itself over a period of time and in different ways. And most of those scenes have already been written, and were in the plan from the beginning. There is a very specific and important purpose for writing this the way it is. I hope everyone is patient and will keep reading before making snap judgments.

 

At any rate, I'm curious to hear what everyone else thinks about this subject.

 

LBTW

Edited April 28, 2006 by LittleBuddhaTW

[AFriendlyFace]

Well admittedly (and happily) I've never been raped, so I can't speak from personal experience, but I think I wouldn't let the guilt and stuff fester. I mean I'd be really upset that it happened, but I don't think I'd blame myself. I guess I can't really say without being in that position, and obviously I don't want that to ever happen, but I think his reaction is mostly correct, if anything he felt more guilt than I assume I would. But of course I guess I can't really say for sure. Anyway I defintely get that it's a really damaging, painful experience so I guess there'd be lasting scars. All I know is I'm looking forward to reading more about it.

 

take care and have a great day everyone,

Kevin

[Gandalf]

One of the really interesting things here at GA is that several of you, You and Vance come immediately to mind, seem to have a good understanding of the dynamics of being a battered person. I mentioned this earlier I believe. Of course it is fairly common to try and bury the trauma and move on as quickly as possible. With luck people go back and sort it out in a productive way. Unfortunately many don't and the shit comes out sideways in the future.

 

Man I just hate it that you all don't write as fast as I read. What is the problem? I love this story so far and just think it is wonderful to watch how a person can change given some positives in their lives. But also you show the parts that get stuck too. Thanks. Pax Steve

[Kurt]

I think that Conner needs some time to himself when he is not in the hospital and on all of those drugs to really think about what happened to him. He needs time to figure out what how the whole thing affected him, and what he is really going to to about it. Remember that Conner has been abused for many years, he is used to people dominating over him. This rape is a more severe domination, but I think that he is able to understand it a little better, and grow from it faster because he has been abused and dominating for so long all ready.

 

Also, right now Conner is surrounded by people that he loves and that love him back. He also has lots of pain killers and other medication in his system, he is not himself right now. Once he gets out of the hospital and he is not so drugged up, I am sure that he will have some alone time to really think about the whole thing.

 

David, I really like your story right. I do not understand how people can get mad at you for your writing, and how they can judge a whole story on one chapter. They need to give the authors a chance to explain the things in more chapters. I also do not understand how they can go on authors fourms, and complain about the stories, they are lucky that the authors are even posting the stories for us.

 

Kurt

[spanishreader]

I do not want to bother you, but I think that you would have to accept better the critics. I also think that Connor would have to be more affected by the rape, although I do not think that this is important in the story. By the way, your story is excellent. Congratulations and thanks!

[vision]

One thing to remember is GHB alters ones state of mind to an extent most substances can't, it's very dose sensative and very potent. One annoyance was Conner being affected so quickly, it would take a bit longer than that, no matter what the dose is, but overall the topic has been handled well.

 

If you have no real memory of an incident how can you feel much about it? GHB in a non recreational form (date rape drug) is designed to render the person unconcious and have little memory (if any) of anything after. GHB is highly dangerous because of it's dose sensativity and negative reaction to other drugs, if anything Connor should be happy to be still alive.

 

No doubt he will have issues in future, most likely around the guy who did it and his capture or the failure of the police to capture him, but there isn't much mental trauma for him simply because he wasn't concious, for which he was kinda lucky. It could have been far worse.

 

Let's hope Conner becomes stronger and stands up for himself more.

Edited April 28, 2006 by vision

[LittleBuddhaTW]

David, I really like your story right. I do not understand how people can get mad at you for your writing, and how they can judge a whole story on one chapter. They need to give the authors a chance to explain the things in more chapters. I also do not understand how they can go on authors fourms, and complain about the stories, they are lucky that the authors are even posting the stories for us.

 

Thank you, Kurt. I'm glad you like the story!

 

But criticism/feedback is always good, and I don't mind it at all. There's a big difference between valid criticism and a flame. I love to get feedback from readers or suggestions on how to improve. After already receiving feedback on that chapter, though, I thought this one particular bit of criticism was not exactly valid (nor was its delivery framed in a particularly 'amicable' way). Anyway, I just wanted to know what others thought about it.

 

As for the time it takes for GHB to take effect, I'm aware that it takes longer (or so I've heard ... hehe). But that's where the whole "artistic license" thing has to come in, because I couldn't exactly have Connor and his rapist sitting around and chatting until it finally kicked in, Connor could only get pummeled for so long before he passed out (or died) from that, and I didn't want to get any more graphic than I already did as far as the sexual aspect of the rape went ... so the only option was to speed up the time it took for Connor to feel the effects of the drug.

 

Kitty told me that she's preparing a post on this topic, and I'm really looking forward to reading it. One reason why I didn't think that particular criticism was valid was because Kitty never pointed it out, and this is one of those things that she would definitely pick out if it didn't "fit" ... that's her job, and she's the best at it. Anyway, let's see what Kitty has to say (no pressure, though, Kitty ... hehe) ... although anything constructive, either pro or con, is of course welcome from everyone.

Edited April 28, 2006 by LittleBuddhaTW

[Centaur]

Hi David:

 

I'm new to this site, but I thought I would quickly reply here. I think the way you have written Connor's reaction to his rape is fine. I think that some readers can be a bit picky, and you do a nice job of thanking them for their thoughts. As you point out, there is a big difference between a constructive criticism and a flame.

 

I have to say that I love the story. I've written to you before (via email) that Some Day Out of the Blue is excellent. I look forward to the chapters each week.

 

Your character development is outstanding and your storyline is very strong.

 

Keep up the great work. I love it.

 

Thanks,

 

Centaur

Edited April 29, 2006 by Centaur

[ex52tech]

I didn' think that you blew-off Connor's rape at all. Connor's reaction when Maggie told him about the stiches, and him thinking that Ryan would reject him. I thought was a good indication of how the rape was already effecting him. David, this is a great story, and I'm drawn to it like mosquitos to jet fuel. This story makes me feel good about 99.999% of the time. You're the author, and I'm perfectly content to sit back and enjoy the ride. The end of ch.11 was text book cliff hanger, we freaked out, WE HAD TO KNOW!! It's too bad that someone came along and showed a genuine lack of trust in your ability to tell this story in ch.12, if thats all it took to ruin the story for them, than see ya. Hey...forget about it. Great job

Edited April 29, 2006 by ex52tech

[AFriendlyFace]

David, this is a great story, and I'm drawn to it like mosquitos to jet fuel.

Don't you mean mosquitos to his legs?

 

I wouldn't worry so much about the time it took the GHB to take effect. I mean there's no definite account of the time between when he took it and when he passed out anyway. We can just sort of assume he was struggling for longer or whatever.

[shadows]

It was suggested I re-post this (from LB's Blog) so here you all are. Though it's probably unnecessary by now.

 

"Yeah, reading the latest chapter of SOOTB was an odd experience. It seemed like Connor was a different character and I thought your writing had slipped (too much fantasy) until I realized that... drugs can make you do that. Not that I'd know or anything... *blush* They were legal, I swear!"

 

//shadows

[Bobby]

I'd like to let everyone know how much this can effect someone from maybe a different perspective. I was molested & raped repeatedly at a young age, 2nd & 3rd grade. I am now 45 and it still effects my life very often. I am the youngest of 5 children, my next oldest brother (7 years difference) and his friend, had their way with me using threats and intimidation to keep me from telling. I was told by my brother, "if you tell they will remove you from the home" Sounds kind of strange to say that now, but that was many years ago, I was young and I believed him, actually the exact opposite would have happened. I couldn't even start to tell you how many times it happened, there is still a huge mental block there. I do know it continued until a neighbor saw Ervin (brothers friend) pulling me while I was crying behind a shed at his house. When he walked over to find out what was wrong, he caught Ervin in the act. I begged him not to tell my parents, I remember thinking somehow this was all my fault. At that point my brother wasn't involved, only later (many years) after much therapy did I admit he was there from the start, it was just that Ervin did it much more often.

 

 

I remember a whole lot of tension in our house after the neighbor told my parents. Their answer to this "problem" was to sell the house, and we moved to the other side of town. I can remember feeling, for something that wasn't my fault, I was sure being punished. I was forced to leave all my friends, because of something that prick had done to me, and he got to go on like nothing ever happened. BTW, one of the first manifestations of these assaults showed up around this time, I became a bed wetter. My parents tried everything from no liquids after dinner to shame to get me out of this, nothing helped, I only later learned that this is very common in molested children. I was forced to try and make new friends when I didn't trust anyone. If you have read my introduction in the welcome thread, it was about now that I started telling myself I was a loner, that was acceptable in my head, my answer to why I didn't make friends. I felt if I let anyone get close to me, they would find out this terrible thing I had done, shame was constantly in my mind. When I started becoming a sexual being, I found I was attracted to boys, I blamed my brother & Ervin, and an anger started to grow. Years went by, I slowly built a wall around those feelings pushing them down into the subconscious and allowing them to just fester. I had anger problems would over react and lash out. I remember when I was around 22, I got into an argument with my brother, and during a verbal exchange he called me a faggot, I exploded and pulled a knife on him, had another brother not been in the house and heard us, I believe I would have killed him. No one understood why I had went off like I did, I was so hurt by then I was unwilling to talk about it, I was now the "bad guy"

 

 

 

 

There is much more to this story, but I need to take a break, what I am trying to get at, rapes & molestations effect the rest of your life, I am open to questions about this, just ask, and I will try my best to answer them.

 

 

 

 

Bobby

[Rabble_Rouser]

As I've said to LBTW before, I wouldn't nit-pick things like how Connor reacts to events in his life because all of the hurtful things done to him would skew his view of events. His life is so outside my experiences (thankfully) that I wouldn't even hazard a guess on how I would react. People are different so I don't think you can say with certainty how someone would react... Connor's low-self esteem from years of various types of abuse would probably make him react differently from someone like me who grew up with in a stable home with a large close-nit extended family.

 

Thanks for the good read and now that I'm back from my little trip to Quebec City (where I found out my french is rustier than I thought), I need to get down and read the last chapter.

 

Steve

[Luc]

When I was told about the rape scene and Connor

[LittleBuddhaTW]

Thank you for sharing that, Luc. It means a lot.

[Formosa]

Hello everyone,

I've been following the story a while, and joined to respond to this discussion about something that is 'close to heart'.

 

I was really captured by the way ch11 was written, as it describes the whole process of being overwhelmed and struggle Connor had with the perpetrator and himself well. But I was a little disappointed though how the story then developed (though I still enjoy reading the story!). Ok, Connor was heavily sedated and still groggy for a while after the traumatic events, but then seemed to too quickly get ahold of himself (eg deepening friendships, having sexually-tinted fantansies/thoughts). I was bit surprised that thoguhts and memories of the rape didn't linger. Then again, like so many pointed out everyone responds to rape in a different one, and everyone processes the experience at different speeds. Perhaps the friendship and (Ryan's) love Connor was overwhelmed with afterwards, and also anxieties about his undecided future, did make him 'heal' and recover rapidly, or at least distract his attention from the terrible things that happened.

 

From my personal experience one of the biggest effects of abuse/rape is that it silences you. It filled me with such shame and guilt (even though "it's not your fault", as the characters in the story have repeatedly said), and it really shut me away from the rest of the world. I felt so alone and robbed of everything, especially since the perpetrator was my elder brother (4yrs older), and since it all happened at home, seemingly the safest and most trusted place in a young boy's life. I don't know when it started or how long exactly it lasted (like Bobby wrote, there seems to be a mental block of events). Of course I didn't know what was happening or what it all meant at the time (naively, I just thought he peed on me), but then the realisation and recollection of the events after reaching puberty weighed me down, really really down.

 

I'd grind my teeth at night, stay in bed and hid under the covers often, bite my nails (still do sometimes) incessantly, and have (still do) complete fear in interacting with strangers. In my mind, it seemed that every stranger I met was so much better, stronger, more beautiful etc than me (like Piesces Ring pointed out the power element in abuse leads to severe inferiority complex) , and I'd always suspect that their talking to me or being with me had 'ulterior motives' (ie take advantage of me). A gaze, a smile, a brief touch would all be interpreted as something sexual, and that is a very frightening feeling.

 

Things are better now, after some councilling and learning Buddhist meditation. My parents don't know still, and I don't think I could ever tell them. And my brother has since apologised, and we're on sort of good (or better) terms now. But still, I'm a nervous wreck in front of people, especially big crowds...stuttering, inability to think coherently, discomfort with myself and my body, very conscious of how people look or seem to be judging me and my behaviour. I often feel like a failure, despite the fact I've actually achieved much more than my peers. I still have trouble liking myself, even though many people tell me I'm a caring and warm person. I just don't seem to (or want to?) believe it is possible. Intimate situations make me very uncomfortable, which was also why I broke it off with my ex even though he deeply loved me. It's strange, as deep inside I've always been longing for love and affection, but then push it away or don't even acknowledge it when it is offered. Sometimes I even wonder whether the fact that I like guys has anything to do with the fact that my first sexual experience was of a homosexual nature.

 

Anyways, just wanted to add my thoughts on this. I'm not saying every rape victim, like Connor, should react like I did/do, but many of the post-traumatic stress disorders are shared, in one way or another.

Feel free to respond~.

 

And LittleBuddhaTW, keep that story going!!

 

DC

Edited May 2, 2006 by Formosa1984

[Bobby]

DC, Wow, sorry to hear about what has happened to you. Reading your account of how it has effected you, I could have wrote that, I've had 2 failed relationships, I'll never forget The day Vic (first REAL BF) decided to leave. He sat me down and told me "Bobby, I'm so sorry, But it is impossible to love you, when you don't love yourself" I sat there wondering what in the hell he meant by that. But it was over, No fighting, No arguing, He just walked out of my life.

 

 

I have the same self-esteem problems, My "self talk", that little voice in my head, never fails to remind me how worthless I really am. I feel like damaged goods, kind of like I should only be available in some second hand store. This voice just gets louder, anytime I find success at anything, Things start going good for me, and then I just give up. I also have the same problem with people "complimenting" me on anything, their words just ring so hollow in my head, then that little voice takes over "they wouldn't be saying that if they knew the REAL you"

 

 

 

Someone here wrote me and said it took courage to post a small part of my story in a open forum like this, but I see it more of a desperation move. I want so bad to feel NORMAL, even if just for a little while. It's only been a short time since I wrote that first post, punching that send button was really hard, but somehow, I feel a freedom from doing it. I hope maybe you will feel the same way, I'm here if you ever want to talk, either here or a PM, feel free to contact me. once again welcome, you are among friends.

 

 

 

 

 

Bobby

[LittleBuddhaTW]

It's kind of hard to know how to react/reply to some of the posts in this thread, where people have shared some of the traumatic experiences they have been through. One the one hand, it makes me sad that anyone had to live through that kind of thing. But on the other hand, I'm glad that the story has been able to allow people to face what happened to them, and that there is a means to vent and share those thoughts and feelings (that being this forum), as well as being able to interact with others who have been through similar experiences.

 

It seems that everyone has had slightly different reactions to the aftermath of being raped. I think where Connor's experience diverges from many of them is that when he woke up in that hospital, he was surrounded by people who cared about him, and who already knew what had happened. If he could have denied it or lied about it, he might have done that. He did feel ashamed of what had happened (as he said many times), he did believe that Ryan would be disgusted at him and would never want to touch him again, etc. But they all immediately began to reinforce that that wasn't the case, he didn't do anything wrong, he wasn't "dirty," etc. He wasn't allowed to bury the experience and hide away from it.

 

The issue of medication is a difficult one, but I think his doctor's made the right decision in getting him started on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine right away, which would help alleviate the psychological turmoil that he would be certain to go through until he got into therapy. So, basically, the people around him did everything "right" to try to get him on the road to recovery immediately. But again, everyone's reactions are different, not only because everyone's mind processes things in a different way, but also other factors, and Connor ended up in an ideal place right after the rape ... with people who knew how to take care of him. Unfortunately, most rape victims don't have that.

 

With that said, the healing process does take time, and some may say that you can never be completely healed from an experience like that. We'll just have to wait and see how Connor deals with it in the future, how willing he is to accept counseling, and whether or not he has any other symptoms of PTSD. I'd say that he was pretty lucky to wind up in the home of a doctor who knew how to handle it (for now).

Edited May 3, 2006 by LittleBuddhaTW

[Jack Frost]

I think quite less of it to be honest. I don't really care about the rape part and I think it's a distracting part of the story. I'm more focus how Ryand Connor are doing together and Connor's new family (Maggie and her kids I mean).

[LittleBuddhaTW]

I think quite less of it to be honest. I don't really care about the rape part and I think it's a distracting part of the story. I'm more focus how Ryand Connor are doing together and Connor's new family (Maggie and her kids I mean).

 

That's what the story is about? Just Ryan and Connor's relationship?

[Camy]

That's what the story is about? Just Ryan and Connor's relationship?

Everyone will take something different from it, focus on the parts that affect them the most.

For me Connor's choice of music and performances are key, though I'd like it if he played more original material!

 

Camy

[Jack Frost]

That's what the story is about? Just Ryan and Connor's relationship?

That's what draws me the most...seeing someone having the chance to have a life within a loving family instead of a horrible one. I don't mean to sound like "just that". Of course there are other features in the story that draw me as well.

[C James]

It's kind of hard to know how to react/reply to some of the posts in this thread, where people have shared some of the traumatic experiences they have been through. One the one hand, it makes me sad that anyone had to live through that kind of thing. But on the other hand, I'm glad that the story has been able to allow people to face what happened to them, and that there is a means to vent and share those thoughts and feelings (that being this forum), as well as being able to interact with others who have been through similar experiences.

 

 

It seems that everyone has had slightly different reactions to the aftermath of being raped. I think where Connor's experience diverges from many of them is that when he woke up in that hospital, he was surrounded by people who cared about him, and who already knew what had happened. If he could have denied it or lied about it, he might have done that. He did feel ashamed of what had happened (as he said many times), he did believe that Ryan would be disgusted at him and would never want to touch him again, etc. But they all immediately began to reinforce that that wasn't the case, he didn't do anything wrong, he wasn't "dirty," etc. He wasn't allowed to bury the experience and hide away from it.

 

 

My own take on Connor's reaction was that he wasn't conscious for some of it, so was spared some of the trauma. The self-hate is, sadly, not far-fetched in the least, and is probably a common reaction.

 

As you say, everyone is different, and thus will react quite differently.

 

Thanks for bringing up the issue. It's one that's all too easy to shy away from.