C James Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 This is the first thing I've ever written in the gay fiction genre to go online, so I've got a full-blown case of the newbie jitters right now. I was awestruck by the background and formatting that Luigi added. It GREAT, THANK YOU Luigi!! So, anyone have any comments? Good, bad, or otherwise? WARNING: Spoilers below!!!!
LittleBuddhaTW Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 I was quite impressed, CJ. At first, when I saw the title, I thought it was going to be a comedy, but it turned out to be really sweet and romantic. And I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to the end and found out that they would be able to continue their relationship. I'm a sucker for happy endings! Anyway, excellent story, CJ! I hope you'll decide to write more in the future! *Hugz* Buddha
Krista Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 This is the first thing I've ever written in the gay fiction genre to go online, so I've got a full-blown case of the newbie jitters right now. I was awestruck by the background and formatting that Luigi added. It GREAT, THANK YOU Luigi!! So, anyone have any comments? Good, bad, or otherwise? Hey!.. good luck with your first online gay-fiction story. I'll definately read the anthology stories
Kurt Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 (edited) Wonderful wonderful story. I loved it. By far the best short story that I have read in a long time. Kurt Edited July 23, 2006 by Kurt
Conner Posted July 23, 2006 Posted July 23, 2006 Now that was one fun story. That's what I call coming out! Congrats, Author CJ! You created just the right amount of tension between Trevor and Jason in the early part of the story. Thanks for all the surfing lingo. So, just as Jase and Trev did, enjoy the afterglow! Hooda thought a goat could write! Hugs, Conner
Dezlboi Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Awesome job, dude. I really enjoyed the story. Now, when I post something, I always get mad at people if they can't tell me at least ONE thing they didn't like, so I can try to improve my next story. So I take some running notes when I'm reading someone else's work so I can share my thoughts with them after, both good and bad. I hope it's okay - some people don't like critique - but I'm gonna go out on a limb here... (maybe spoilers below - stop readin if you haven't read the damn story yet, people!) - OK, first, you seem to be in love with commas. Your story flows beautifully, and then once in a while there's a line that has uneeded commas, which break up that flow. For example, "But, things had most certainly changed, forever" could be "But things had most certainly changed forever" with no ill effect. Likewise, "Finally, they gave up, once they figured out that I was going with, or without, their blessing" could be "Finally, they gave up once they figured out that I was going with or without their blessing". - Umm, what's water polo? And how do they get horses into a pool? - Wow, the feeling of FREEDOM you capture thoughout the whole story is great. What teenager doesn't dream of a road trip or vacation on their own? It all came to a head right when he saw the ocean in LA. Awesome imagery. - The interaction between the two is great...and I like that your characters aren't carboard cutouts. For example, Trevor is a good guy, but not a boy scout; he can't help but assist Jason in his time of need, but he can't resist stroking his hair just a bit when he thinks he's out cold. Beautiful. - There was one part, I don't have a quote here but I'm sure you can find it - where Jason says that htye should enjoy the time that they have, and then Trevor says almost exactly the same thing ("enjoy the time we have"). It's an emotional moment, made a little awkward by the redundant phrasing. I'd just change a word or two. - I think the buildup between the two is just right; I generally prefer stories that don't have the main characters "gettin' it on" in the first shot (well, except for some of my lonelier nights ) but this really works - they hook up maybe 36 hours after meeting - but it's such a cool casual thing that neither of them will regret. And I have no doubt they can continue in the fall. Woo hoo! So really, really nice job dude. I loved it. -Dez
C James Posted July 24, 2006 Author Posted July 24, 2006 Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments! Y'all have made my day!!! LB, Krista, Kurt, Conner, and Dezlboi, THANK YOU!!! I do intend writing more, and in fact have a multi-chapter story well underway. I'll begin posting chapters in eFiction fairly soon. Awesome job, dude. I really enjoyed the story. Now, when I post something, I always get mad at people if they can't tell me at least ONE thing they didn't like, so I can try to improve my next story. So I take some running notes when I'm reading someone else's work so I can share my thoughts with them after, both good and bad. I hope it's okay - some people don't like critique - but I'm gonna go out on a limb here... (maybe spoilers below - stop readin if you haven't read the damn story yet, people!) - OK, first, you seem to be in love with commas. Your story flows beautifully, and then once in a while there's a line that has uneeded commas, which break up that flow. For example, "But, things had most certainly changed, forever" could be "But things had most certainly changed forever" with no ill effect. Likewise, "Finally, they gave up, once they figured out that I was going with, or without, their blessing" could be "Finally, they gave up once they figured out that I was going with or without their blessing". I like critiques! I'm always looking to improve. I do see your point about the over-use of commas. I'll keep that in mind in the future. Thanks!! - Umm, what's water polo? And how do they get horses into a pool? ROFL! You are kidding, I hope? Or should I have included a description of the sport? - Wow, the feeling of FREEDOM you capture thoughout the whole story is great. What teenager doesn't dream of a road trip or vacation on their own? It all came to a head right when he saw the ocean in LA. Awesome imagery. - The interaction between the two is great...and I like that your characters aren't carboard cutouts. For example, Trevor is a good guy, but not a boy scout; he can't help but assist Jason in his time of need, but he can't resist stroking his hair just a bit when he thinks he's out cold. Beautiful. - There was one part, I don't have a quote here but I'm sure you can find it - where Jason says that htye should enjoy the time that they have, and then Trevor says almost exactly the same thing ("enjoy the time we have"). It's an emotional moment, made a little awkward by the redundant phrasing. I'd just change a word or two. - I think the buildup between the two is just right; I generally prefer stories that don't have the main characters "gettin' it on" in the first shot (well, except for some of my lonelier nights ) but this really works - they hook up maybe 36 hours after meeting - but it's such a cool casual thing that neither of them will regret. And I have no doubt they can continue in the fall. Woo hoo! So really, really nice job dude. I loved it. Good point on the phrasing.. I'll keep that in mind, too. As for the sex scene, it's ironic that it's there at all! I'm the guy who often says "I usually just skip over that part"! I had no intention whatsoever of writing a sex scene when I started this story. In fact, I was afraid to, as I've never tried before. (In one of the stories I'm working on, the draft version has a sex scene denoted as <sex scene> because I had no clue how to write one.) But, the original ending had Trevor and Jason discussing things and making the "discovery" of going to the same college during their initial making-out, but that didn't seem to work. Two teens making out with each other for the first time probably wouldn't be chatting in that much detail! So, I decided that this way might work, and as I'd never written a sex scene before, I decided to give it a try. My sincere thanks to everyone!!! CJ
Krista Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Hi Cj! It took my awhile, but I finally read your anthology story and it was cute. You captured every high school grad - future college freshman's desire to get out and live a little in the middle of teenager - adult. And I am so with you on sex scenes.. lol. I've wrote a few in other stories, but I'm so apprehensive about doing it still.. haha. I'm so glad that you're motivated to continue writing... looking forward to reading you on eFiction.. Krista
AFriendlyFace Posted July 24, 2006 Posted July 24, 2006 Hey CJ I really enjoyed this story! I thought it was well told and very humourous. Especially when the doctor said: Just watch him, and if he shows any symptoms like a headache, vomiting, or irritability, get him back here right away. His arm should be fine as there appears to be no damage to the tendons or ligaments, but it
C James Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 Hi Cj! It took my awhile, but I finally read your anthology story and it was cute. You captured every high school grad - future college freshman's desire to get out and live a little in the middle of teenager - adult. And I am so with you on sex scenes.. lol. I've wrote a few in other stories, but I'm so apprehensive about doing it still.. haha. I'm so glad that you're motivated to continue writing... looking forward to reading you on eFiction.. Thank you, Krista! I've been hoping that someone would comment on the make out and sex scene in my story. I still have no clue if it's ok, really stinks, or somewhere in between. It's not something I plan on writing a lot of (I'm not a fan of lots of sex in a story, once in a multi-chapter is fine for me) but I'm wondering if I should avoid it completely. Hey CJ I really enjoyed this story! I thought it was well told and very humourous. Especially when the doctor said:I couldn't help but think, "gee, if I feel off a cliff I might be a tad irritable too!" I can't take much credit for that one: Irritability is one of the symptoms of a concussion. There are others that I didn't list, but I left irritability in for the humor: Yeah, fall off a cliff and dislocate your shoulder, and you just might be irritable! ROFL! LOL I also found this bit very amusing:
Krista Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Hey CJ, I really have fallen for your Anthology. It really flowed and I'm terrible at short stories I think they're way more difficult to write than continuing novels. The two characters were cute and they were both cute and innocent. A happy ending to a summer romance is what people desire right? The "up-beat" personality of Trevor made him so likable. I can't help wondering - after meeting you if Trevor's up-beat personality is how you go about living?? Anyway! I cannot wait to read any other things you post because I have liked what I've read so far.
Conner Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 ...The "up-beat" personality of Trevor made him so likable. I can't help wondering - after meeting you if Trevor's up-beat personality is how you go about living?? :wacko: CJ's a goat! But yes, he's very upbeat for a goat! Did you meet CJ??? Hugs, Conner
Krista Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 :wacko: CJ's a goat! But yes, he's very upbeat for a goat! Did you meet CJ??? Hugs, Conner Oh, no not in person, but he was the first person to e-mail me on here. Krista
Matthew Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Hey CJ, it's taken me way too long to comment. I really liked the story. As for the commas, I liked it the way it was as opposed to putting less of them. I hate surfing with a passion, but all my friends at school are surfers, so I know exactly what you were talking about.
C James Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Hey CJ, I really have fallen for your Anthology. It really flowed and I'm terrible at short stories I think they're way more difficult to write than continuing novels. The two characters were cute and they were both cute and innocent. A happy ending to a summer romance is what people desire right? The "up-beat" personality of Trevor made him so likable. I can't help wondering - after meeting you if Trevor's up-beat personality is how you go about living?? Anyway! I cannot wait to read any other things you post because I have liked what I've read so far. Krista, thank you! I found it very difficult to stick to the short story format, but it was a challenge that I really enjoyed. I do have an upbeat personality most of the time, good call! I had no idea that any of me would show through like that. I'd have never made the connection! :wacko: CJ's a goat! But yes, he's very upbeat for a goat! Howdy, Goat! Krista, Connor and I both have Goats for avatars, and tease each other incessantly about them. That, plus at least one of us is insane (and no one has ever accused me of being sane!). Hey CJ, it's taken me way too long to comment. I really liked the story. As for the commas, I liked it the way it was as opposed to putting less of them. I hate surfing with a passion, but all my friends at school are surfers, so I know exactly what you were talking about. Thanks, Matt!! I've been perplexed on the commas issue, as I've been getting feedback both ways on that. You live in Hawaii and hate surfing? I guess I can admit this here on GA: One of my prime reasons for starting to surf was to check out all the hot surfers! I grew to love surfing after a while, but it sure wasn't my main motive at first. And that in itself is really rather weird, when one considers the fact that I was even in the closet to myself at that time! (In denial). Yet, there I was, Mr. can't be gay, taking up a sport so I could hang around hot guys!
C James Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 This was a great story and I really enjoyed it. It's the first anthology entry I've read and if this sets the standard for the other stories then I'm sure I'll enjoy them all. It flowed nicely, even with the over-abundance of commas, and I was really drawn into it. It had all the elements of a great short story except one - it built up the characters brilliantly, made me feel for them, helped me bond with them, contained enough back-story to help me understand what was happening without so much that I was trapped between past and present, but it also left me wanting more. Thank you! Your advice on letting the story unfold on it's own was instrumental, and it's very unlikely that I'd have ever been able to write this story without it. I wanted to know more about the characters, whether Trevor's parents would completely accept him, why Jason was travelling with so little and why he was so reluctant to talk about his past and how Trevor will deal with being out at college. I really think that this story can be expanded into a longer one, or at least it should have a sequel to tie up some of the loose ends, but as a stand-alone story it works well and I really enjoyed reading it. I did allude to why Jason was traveling with so little: he had lied about traveling (in order to stay with Trevor that first night), and was only minutes from home. (at UCSB). Hence, he had nothing with him, and due to being from close by avoided mentioning his past, both of which Trevor noticed and wondered about. I did originally have that as part of the "discovery" conversation at the end, but I deleted it when i was looking for things to reduce the word count. At one point I was pushing 15,000 words and as it was I was I still ended up a hundred over the 10,000 guideline. There was also, originally, an entire second day before their "discovery", where they went on a surfing safari. That was the biggest thing I cut. But, I'm going to do a re-write, probably multi-chapter, and expand on a lot of this and fix a few errors too. I'm also very curious as to what happens at college: where exactly does Jason live? Will he and Trevor move in together? How do Trevor's parents react? I also think it would be a good lead-in for a college-themed situation I had in mind as a story plot, and Trevor and Jason would make great characters for it. So, I think I'm set for a second multi-chapter story, after I finish the one I have underway. Actually, I'll probably work on both as I like taking a break from one thing to work on another. The dialogue was good, the kiss even more erotic that the subsequent sex scene and the emotions between the two characters seemed to grow at a logical pace. There was enough awkwardness from Trevor to make him seem real and by the end of the story I didn't want to see them having to split. It was a great job CJ and I can wait to read more from you in the future. Thank you so much!! One thing I need to mention about the sex scene: Part of one line (the part in parenthesis) was NOT mine. It's my favorite line of the story, too; I broke it off to trace my tongue slowly down Jason
old bob Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 (edited) I was trapped between past and present, but it also left me wanting more.I wanted to know more about the characters, whether Trevor's parents would completely accept him, why Jason was travelling with so little and why he was so reluctant to talk about his past and how Trevor will deal with being out at college. I really think that this story can be expanded into a longer one, or at least it should have a sequel to tie up some of the loose ends, but as a stand-alone story it works well and I really enjoyed reading it. It was a great job CJ and I can wait to read more from you in the future. HI I fully agree with RHawes16. James you wrote a great short story. Please go on and tell us the follow up of the 2 friends in College. I also can wait to read more from you in the future. Dont be shy, you are a geat author and you can do more Old Bob Edited July 30, 2006 by old bob
C James Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 HI I fully agree with RHawes16. James you wrote a great short story. Please go on and tell us the follow up of the 2 friends in College. I also can wait to read more from you in the future. Dont be shy, you are a geat author and you can do more Old Bob Bob, thank you!! I will be re-writing the story, turning it into a multi-chapter with the present story re-written (to include some things I had to delete for size) as the first two chapters. I'll be posting a different multi-chapter story before that, though.
Camy Posted August 1, 2006 Posted August 1, 2006 Great story CJ! For two seasons I worked in a surf village right at the toe of Cornwall (one of the few places you can in the UK) and love road trips. The description of the wax took me right back ... mmm, in fact I can smell it as I write... Neatly you skipped over the freezing cold mornings, and sand, sand in every orifice - which is why I migrated to skating. I hate leashes too - all well and good for protecting others, but when your board slaps you in the face... The only thing you didn’t describe was the sound of a VW van’s sliding door – really evocative (as is the sounds of the engine) and takes me right back I drove one with my arm in a cast for three months… Fun! The story flowed well, and was totally believable. The sex was an intrinsic part of the overall mood and fitted in seamlessly. If this really is your first piece of fiction then we are all in for a treat, and I’m super glad we’re gonna hear more from Trevor and Jason. Camy
C James Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 Great story CJ! For two seasons I worked in a surf village right at the toe of Cornwall (one of the few places you can in the UK) and love road trips. The description of the wax took me right back ... mmm, in fact I can smell it as I write... Neatly you skipped over the freezing cold mornings, and sand, sand in every orifice - which is why I migrated to skating. I hate leashes too - all well and good for protecting others, but when your board slaps you in the face... The only thing you didn
Jack Frost Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I never noticed the overusage of commas. I just read...not that concerned with grammar. ^^ I know...I told you I would read your story, but I forgot and I just remembered when I got in this forum. Forgive me you old goat. My first thought...I could just shoot you for overpromoting California. It's overrated...meh. I can't help being loyal to the East Coast. I enjoyed it alright, though I do think they moved on so quickly and jumped in bed in few days. But I'll forgive you since it has to be everything in one chapter. *grins*
C James Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 I never noticed the overusage of commas. I just read...not that concerned with grammar. ^^ I know...I told you I would read your story, but I forgot and I just remembered when I got in this forum. Forgive me you old goat. My first thought...I could just shoot you for overpromoting California. It's overrated...meh. I can't help being loyal to the East Coast. I enjoyed it alright, though I do think they moved on so quickly and jumped in bed in few days. But I'll forgive you since it has to be everything in one chapter. *grins* Hi, Jack! Thanks for reading, even if it took ya a few days.. I think I can forgive ya.. Seriously, thanks for reading and commenting. I had to go with somewhere I was familiar with, and I grew up in that area. I could have set it in Florida (the only Eastern-seaboard state that I have spent enough time in), but that would have made the sea-side cliff-climbing a bit problematic. I don't disagree at all about California being over-rated: I moved to Arizona because I no longer wanted to live there any longer. The "jumping in bed" part was kinda quick, I agree. I didn't plan it that way. I originally had them just making out a little, but I couldn't get the scene to work. I had a deep-seated fear of trying to write a sex scene, but the story just seemed to keep pushing that way, so I said "what the heck" and wrote it.
Jack Frost Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Well...if I have to choose between Arizona and California, I would pick CA...recultantly since beyond Phoenix, it's all desert and light brown colored plateaus...if I am not mistaken. Besides, I wouldn't tolerate a 110+ heat very well.
C James Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Well...if I have to choose between Arizona and California, I would pick CA...recultantly since beyond Phoenix, it's all desert and light brown colored plateaus...if I am not mistaken. Besides, I wouldn't tolerate a 110+ heat very well. Well, That's stereotypical Arizona, but most people don't know that over half of the state isn't like that. Much of Arizona is high-altitude, which drastically affects the climate. For example, I live at just over 7000 ft, on a mountainside covered by a Ponderosa Pine forest. In winter, I get snowed in a lot, often with drifts in excess of 10ft. It's presently 4pm, and 68 degrees outside. As for Phoenix, I couldn't agree more! I lived there for a few years, and 110 is not even a hot day! Also, that bit about "It's a dry heat"? That's a lie! Once you get past July 1st, it gets humid. So, yes, you can get it 120 degrees and very humid. (I had to go to Phoenix a couple of weeks ago, and it did exactly that in some parts of the city, even though the official temp was only 118.) I will say this, though: the scenery in Phoenix can be spectacular. (plenty of hot looking guys who decide to take off their shirts. ). But, other than that, I couldn't wait to get out of that oven! I love the desert in winter, though. I'm into 4-wheeling, and there are some truly spectacular trails.
Jack Frost Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Oh I know it can snow there in the higher elevations. I am not that stereotypical. And I do not really buy "it's dry heat"...it's hot to feel 120..especially if you're under the sun, even without the humidity. Anyway...I guess we're too off-topic. :S
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