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No Shirt? No Problem!


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Oh I know it can snow there in the higher elevations. I am not that stereotypical. :P

 

And I do not really buy "it's dry heat"...it's hot to feel 120..especially if you're under the sun, even without the humidity.

 

The whole "it's a dry heat" thing is a running joke in Phoenix. It was thought up by the chamber of commerce for a tourism campaign, but considering the fact that it's usually humid after around July 4th (so, for the majority of the summer) it's misleading at best, and downright cruel at worst.

 

And to me, anything over 100 feel hot, especially when out in the sun. That's why I moved to the high country, to get away from the heat.

 

Anyway...I guess we're too off-topic. :S

 

Off topic? That's hardly unusual in a GA thread. :lmao::lmao:

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{snip}

- OK, first, you seem to be in love with commas.

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Oh and just a personal note about my own reading/writing preferance, I much prefer when authors err on the side of over-punctuation to under. I often find myself thinking, "this needs more commas", but I never think, "too many commas" unless they're just blatantly wrong.

{snip}

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Regarding commas... My usual rule, when unsure (which is often) is to speak the line out loud, and see how it sounds best to my ear.

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As an editor, I find the hardest part of the job is to 'hear' the voice of the author and follow what they are trying to say with a passage. I use the same trick of reading a passage out loud when I need to find the author's desired path through the story. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong - but it is always the author

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As an editor, I find the hardest part of the job is to 'hear' the voice of the author and follow what they are trying to say with a passage. I use the same trick of reading a passage out loud when I need to find the author's desired path through the story. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong - but it is always the author
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{snip}

Emoe, If you and I meet in person (which I would like!), I'd ask that you DON'T try and use my speech patterns! If you think I'm bad for long, overly complex sentences in print, I'm much worse in person!

One of the things I like about the Internet is the ability to converse with people of similar interest

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  • 2 weeks later...

An explanation is in order for you to understand this, so, here I go...

 

I'm a "visual" person, that means that I "see" the "scenes" of anything I read, and this also happens with music, though with instrumental music it tends to be more "nature scene" oriented; in the back of my mind, however, I "see" colors, it doesn't matter if I'm reading, listening, or even smelling something, there's always a "backdrop" color there.

 

With this is mind:

 

I loved the story, Trevor's free-spirit gave me a really nice and lively green, I saw his flashback fights with his parents in black and white (as I usually see all flashbacks, which is good), sand yellow enveloped everything when I read he was in Arizona, and it gradually changed to more and more green the closer he went on to California, however, once he reached the sea, an explossion of blue surrounded it all, a really nice blue, the kind you see on the sky when you're on the beach and there's not even a single cloud in the sky, really beautiful, from that point onwards the backdrop changed as it usually "tries" to fit in with the "wall color" on urban scenes (yeah, I know, I need therapy...).

 

Anyway, loved the story and I think it would be a great Pilot/Prologue to a more long multi-chapter story (as it was already discussed).

 

:2thumbs::2thumbs::2thumbs:

 

Michel.

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...

 

I know...I told you I would read your story, but I forgot and I just remembered when I got in this forum. Forgive me you old goat. :wub:

...

 

:angry:

 

Hey you, Jack Frost, you got it wrong! I'm the old goat around here! I've earned it and no one's gonna take that away from me! :2hands:

 

CJ's the Kidd-goat. :wub:

 

Living at 7,000 ft., he's also the mountain goat. :pickaxe: I'm more of a valley goat...the air is easier to breath. B) I only do mountains when there's a gondola. Arizona doesn't have gondolas. They tend to melt.

 

CJ taught me how to be :off: Thanks, CJ! :worship:

 

Hugs,

Conner :boy:

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An explanation is in order for you to understand this, so, here I go...

 

I'm a "visual" person, that means that I "see" the "scenes" of anything I read, and this also happens with music, though with instrumental music it tends to be more "nature scene" oriented; in the back of my mind, however, I "see" colors, it doesn't matter if I'm reading, listening, or even smelling something, there's always a "backdrop" color there.

 

With this is mind:

 

I loved the story, Trevor's free-spirit gave me a really nice and lively green, I saw his flashback fights with his parents in black and white (as I usually see all flashbacks, which is good), sand yellow enveloped everything when I read he was in Arizona, and it gradually changed to more and more green the closer he went on to California, however, once he reached the sea, an explossion of blue surrounded it all, a really nice blue, the kind you see on the sky when you're on the beach and there's not even a single cloud in the sky, really beautiful, from that point onwards the backdrop changed as it usually "tries" to fit in with the "wall color" on urban scenes (yeah, I know, I need therapy...).

 

Anyway, loved the story and I think it would be a great Pilot/Prologue to a more long multi-chapter story (as it was already discussed).

 

:2thumbs::2thumbs::2thumbs:

 

Michel.

 

Wow, thank you, Michel!

I grew up in the area where most of the story takes place, so for me it was a bit like going home again. Thanks especially for your mention of colors; that's something I am playing around with a bit in the next chapter.

:angry:

Hey you, Jack Frost, you got it wrong! I'm the old goat around here! I've earned it and no one's gonna take that away from me! :2hands:

 

CJ's the Kidd-goat. :wub:

 

Living at 7,000 ft., he's also the mountain goat. :pickaxe: I'm more of a valley goat...the air is easier to breath. B) I only do mountains when there's a gondola. Arizona doesn't have gondolas. They tend to melt.

Yeah, you also get a lot of glare and UV at high altitudes, hence the shades...

 

So, a Valley goat, are ya? Humph, flatlanders.... :P

 

CJ taught me how to be :off: Thanks, CJ! :worship:

Topics? what are those? 0:)

i can just get my gun and you'll be no longer the oldest goat around here. :devil:

Psssst, Jack, just be sure you shoot the right Goat, and not the one wearing shades! :devil:

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but tell me, are you planning on continuing the story into chapters or you already have something different in plan now?

 

I have a couple of other multi-chapter stories that I'm working on, but this one is being continued in chapters. Basically, the current story will be "chapter 1". I was originally going to re-write it and add in a full day surfing that I deleted for size reasons, but then I realized that it would work just as well for chapter 2, so that's where it will be.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I thought this was a great story. I'm looking forward to the series.

 

Thank you Jay!! And congratulations on your 100th post, too!

 

My sincere thanks to everyone who has commented on my story, here or elsewhere. I've been overwhelmed by the responses, and I'm now officially hooked!

 

Thanks again everyone! :wub:

 

CJ

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I found it very difficult to stick to the short story format, but it was a challenge that I really enjoyed.
Kudos for the courage to write a short story first time out! A multi-part story would have been an easier first step, but no way would you have gotten the response this story drew. Commenting on chapter 1 of a multi can be a bit like critiquing a chess match after the opening move. You can tell if it's awful; otherwise, there isn't much to say. A conundrum for budding writers :P

 

My favorite scene in this story is Trevor's realization that he's sitting there at Rincon, having struggled and schemed for weeks to get there, and boredom threatens. I've been there :D . But then he does something about it! We find out later that Jason did most of the heavy lifting, but Trevor exercised more courage and initiative than many of us would do. Yay Trevor!

 

Your "strange, sweet smell" faked me out. I was thinking, "Aww, the innocence of youth in Arizona". Mary Jane of course :P

 

Jason's fall, and his reluctance to call attention to it, rang true. California's soft sandstone cliffs and poor judgement combine to yield annually a few deaths, lots of serious injury and dozens of embarrasing rescues. :blink: .

 

BTW, We don't all surf in Hawaii (or Thailand) B) .

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Hi Knotme!

 

Kudos for the courage to write a short story first time out! A multi-part story would have been an easier first step, but no way would you have gotten the response this story drew. Commenting on chapter 1 of a multi can be a bit like critiquing a chess match after the opening move. You can tell if it's awful; otherwise, there isn't much to say. A conundrum for budding writers :P

Thanks! I was exceedingly nervous about this, but I had a blast, and I'm hooked! :D

 

My favorite scene in this story is Trevor's realization that he's sitting there at Rincon, having struggled and schemed for weeks to get there, and boredom threatens. I've been there :D . But then he does something about it! We find out later that Jason did most of the heavy lifting, but Trevor exercised more courage and initiative than many of us would do. Yay Trevor!

 

I've done much the same (finaly gotten somewhere, and then realized: "What now?")

 

BTW, the actions of Trevor and Jason were one of the sub-themes of the story: Take a chance.

 

Your "strange, sweet smell" faked me out. I was thinking, "Aww, the innocence of youth in Arizona". Mary Jane of course :P

 

Jason's fall, and his reluctance to call attention to it, rang true. California's soft sandstone cliffs and poor judgement combine to yield annually a few deaths, lots of serious injury and dozens of embarrasing rescues. :blink: .

 

BTW, We don't all surf in Hawaii (or Thailand) B) .

 

I used to surf Rincon and the beaches in the area (I grew up near there) so I've seen quite a few accidents and rescues, and I know that the penalties and fines for climbing those bluffs are really steep. Many are worse than sandstone, they are clay aggregate (basically, hard clay dirt with some rock). Some of the ones near Rincon are like that.

 

I was hoping the "strange, sweet smell" would fake people out. Part of what I was trying for with that and Jason's reluctance to have an ambulance, plus his reluctance to talk about his past was to make people wonder about drugs, at first. Plus, I've seen surfers play the "Sex wax" joke plenty of times, so it just seemed to fit.

 

Thanks very much for the comments! :wub:

C J

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I am SO happy to see the great comments you are getting on "No Shirt? No Problem!"!!! You did a GREAT job writing the story and am looking forward to reading the extended version. :2thumbs:

 

Hugs,

Eddy

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I am SO happy to see the great comments you are getting on "No Shirt? No Problem!"!!! You did a GREAT job writing the story and am looking forward to reading the extended version. :2thumbs:

 

Hugs,

Eddy

 

Thank you Eddy! I'm working on it! I have been overwhelmed by the comments! My deepest thanks to you and everyone! :wub:

 

CJ

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I am SO happy to see the great comments you are getting on "No Shirt? No Problem!"!!! You did a GREAT job writing the story and am looking forward to reading the extended version. :2thumbs:

Hugs,

Eddy

 

Hey CJ

we are Monday the 11th. I suppose you are on vacation. Have you time to write ?

:great:

Old Bob

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Hey CJ

we are Monday the 11th. I suppose you are on vacation. Have you time to write ?

:great:

Old Bob

 

Hi Bob!!

 

I wasn't on vacation for as long as I thought, and didn't get any writing time, but I have been working on the extended version of NSNP, plus two different multi-chapter stories. I need quite a few chapters finished so I can avoid long waits between chapters when I post them, but I'm nearly there.

 

Thanks!

CJ

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Okay, I'm coming in very late, but my excuse is that I'm still a relatively new member....

 

I read the story last night and I was very impressed. You should be very proud. It's a lot better than my first attempt at writing.

 

The thing that impressed me the most, though, was something that hasn't been mentioned. You had the first guy Trevor met turn out to be gay, which normally would annoy me as totally unrealistic BUT you did it in a way that made it realistic. It wasn't chance, but was just a case of one guy spotting another nodding at a rainbow sticker, and guessing that he might be gay. While the whole story was great, the way you avoided that particular cliche stood out to me. It's the mark of someone with talent that you can move beyond the typical.

 

As for commas... my editor still has buckets of them from my early work. He's finally starting to use them by putting them back into my latest chapters. It's taking me time, but I'm starting to learn some grammar rules. :P

 

Well done!

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Okay, I'm coming in very late, but my excuse is that I'm still a relatively new member....

 

I read the story last night and I was very impressed. You should be very proud. It's a lot better than my first attempt at writing.

 

The thing that impressed me the most, though, was something that hasn't been mentioned. You had the first guy Trevor met turn out to be gay, which normally would annoy me as totally unrealistic BUT you did it in a way that made it realistic. It wasn't chance, but was just a case of one guy spotting another nodding at a rainbow sticker, and guessing that he might be gay. While the whole story was great, the way you avoided that particular cliche stood out to me. It's the mark of someone with talent that you can move beyond the typical.

 

As for commas... my editor still has buckets of them from my early work. He's finally starting to use them by putting them back into my latest chapters. It's taking me time, but I'm starting to learn some grammar rules. :P

 

Well done!

 

Graeme, THANK YOU!

 

To be honest, I don't think I gave conscious thought to avoiding cliches. I hadn't done enough research, then, to realize that there were so many "gay writing cliches". :boy:

 

Due to the nature of a short story (in needs to be, well, short. :D ) I didn't have a lot of room for extra characters. I knew I wanted them to meet at the beach, and I was writing "freestyle" (just making it up as I went, mainly) and it just came out that way.

 

I had a blast with it, and I've been overwhelmed by the response. I'm now 100% hooked on writing, and have several stories underway (and soon to be in e-fiction here at GA) including a continuation of this one.

 

Thanks Graeme, you made my day. :great:

CJ

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First off, I loved your story. :2thumbs: Jason and Trevor are just too funny.

 

 

Well, That's stereotypical Arizona, but most people don't know that over half of the state isn't like that.

Much of Arizona is high-altitude, which drastically affects the climate. For example, I live at just over 7000 ft, on a mountainside covered by a Ponderosa Pine forest. In winter, I get snowed in a lot, often with drifts in excess of 10ft. It's presently 4pm, and 68 degrees outside.

 

Yay for breaking down stereotypes. :funny:

 

I live in Az too, so I'm always hearing "how can you live there...it must be hot as hell.". Well, I live in the northern part, so yeah, it's not that bad.

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First off, I loved your story. :2thumbs: Jason and Trevor are just too funny.

Yay for breaking down stereotypes. :funny:

 

I live in Az too, so I'm always hearing "how can you live there...it must be hot as hell.". Well, I live in the northern part, so yeah, it's not that bad.

 

Hi Kara!!!

Thank you!!!!! I'll be posting a new story in a few weeks, plus Jason and Trevor are the main characters in the continuation of "No Shirt", which I'm also working on.

 

Wow, a fellow Northern Arizonan! I lived in Phoenix for ten years before heading up to the mountains, and the climate where I'm at is about the same as Flagstaff: LOTS of winter snow. I had my first hard freeze this week, so winter is on it's way.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I just read your story. I loved it. When I saw 'The End' I could have wrung your neck! lol I was kind of hoping to see a to be continued... ;) I didn't notice anything in the way of grammar or sentence structure problems. You covered a lot of detail in a very short amount of time, but it didn't seem like you were force feeding it to me either. I thought it flowed great, and only left wanting to know more about their future. I liked the instant comradare that seems to bind the closest of friends. Sometimes things just 'click' and you gave me this impression between Jase and Trev.

 

If there had been a 2nd or 7th chapter I know I would have continued reading until there wasn't anything left.

 

If you have more stuff out there, I'd sure like to see it!

 

Thanks for the story!

 

Take care!

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I just read your story. I loved it. When I saw 'The End' I could have wrung your neck! lol I was kind of hoping to see a to be continued... ;) I didn't notice anything in the way of grammar or sentence structure problems. You covered a lot of detail in a very short amount of time, but it didn't seem like you were force feeding it to me either. I thought it flowed great, and only left wanting to know more about their future. I liked the instant comradare that seems to bind the closest of friends. Sometimes things just 'click' and you gave me this impression between Jase and Trev.

 

If there had been a 2nd or 7th chapter I know I would have continued reading until there wasn't anything left.

 

If you have more stuff out there, I'd sure like to see it!

 

Thanks for the story!

 

Take care!

 

THANK YOU!!!!!!! :wub:

 

Well, guess what, it is being continued. :D There is a multi-chapter continuation underway, starting roughly where the short story leaves off. I'm about three chapters into it so far, but want to finish a little more (maybe one more chapter) so I can do a consistency check and pre-edit before sending it to my Editor. I hope to have it online here soon.

 

As for any other stuff I have out there: I just sent in an anthology submission, and if it's accepted "The Muse" will be in the Fall anthology. I will warn everyone though, it's nothing like "No Shirt, No Problem" in any way. :devil:

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