[Dezlboi] A letter to Jon, #2

[Dezlboi]

Letter number two has been posted. I never planned on writing the first, never mind the second, but there it is, none the less. Here's a link.

 

It might be dumb for me to post something new, right after my anthology entry went up - but given the nature of the work, sitting on it didn't seem right.

 

Feedback welcome.

 

-Dez

[lagomorph]

Can I just say your metaphors always crack me up? But I thought you did a really good job painting a mental picture here, I felt like I was inside the story watching it happen. Nice one.

 

And no, it's not dumb to post it, I don't think many people around here are into delayed gratification (when it comes to stories, anyway.)

 

Val

[Dezlboi]

Thanks, Val...I appreciate the feedback. Although I'm not sure "cracking up" is quite the reaction I was going for. lol.

 

I'm glad it didn't get completely lost in the shuffle.

 

-Dez

[knotme]

"Maybe the space between us would be better measured in years." Yeah, "nearly a dozen years", I would say so! As soon as I realized the age difference, my defenses shot up, guarding me against the apologias for cradle-robbers, thick in the adult-youth section of Nifty. No need; this letter doesn't go there. Edit: Also, I just read that Jon is "of legal age", so "cradle-robber" cannot apply.

 

Your metaphors didn't crack me up, exactly,

The boulders marking the end of the driveway sat like oversized, deformed cupcakes with freshly-fallen thick white frosting; the rough-hewn wooden fence wore a long perfect trail of snow like white mustard on an eight-foot hot dog.

but some do lighten up this somber, slightly disturbing tale. (Hey, the guy's hungry, OK?) The metaphors work pretty well for me, with a couple of exceptions:

1. The old pendulum clock metaphor doesn't work for me. Despite "the old man's body," the narrator isn't old enough to be compared with a decrepit pendulum clock--although he is truly a mess--and the mechanical image clashes with "numbed" later in the paragraph. I hope you recycle this interesting metaphor.
    
   
2. "to avoid being impaled on the spear of disappointment" is too much. I would prefer the less poetic but more direct "to avoid [crushing] disappointment." Is severe disappointment more crushing that spearing? Dunno, but perhaps you can find a replacement using fewer words.
   

Can someone really "suppress and compartmentalize" such feelings? Permanently? Securely? This letter opens a view into a mind that needs help or a change of scenery.

 

Have you ever walked outside in the winter as an icy drip fell from an icicle, perhaps hanging from an eve or tree branch overhead, falls onto the back of your neck? With that sort of jolt, you evaporated, like warm breath on a sub-zero morning. I awoke from my accidental nap, sprawled on the couch, my laptop still balanced precariously on my chest, and my cat poking my cheek with his chilly, damp nose.

Indeed I have! And once a small bit of icicle fell away, timing its decent to hit the back of my neck and slide down the skin of my back. I love the images of this paragraph.

 

knotme

 

PS. I seriously cannot find letter #1. I missed it. Is #2 a revision of #1? km

Edited November 6, 2006 by knotme

[Dezlboi]

Hey Knot!

 

Thanks for the feedback - just the sort of thing I'm usually looking for...

 

Regarding the age difference - yeah, I knew that would ruffle some feathers. The specifics on the characters would be age 19 for Jon, and about 30 for the writer. Legal? Sure. Moral? Relative, I suppose.

 

Your metaphors didn't crack me up, exactly, but some do lighten up this somber, slightly disturbing tale. (Hey, the guy's hungry, OK?)

I'd like to hear you elaborate on this a bit, maybe. Disturbing how, and why? Or was this before you knew Jon was of legal age?

 

"to avoid being impaled on the spear of disappointment" is too much. I would prefer the less poetic but more direct "to avoid [crushing] disappointment." Is severe disappointment more crushing that spearing? Dunno, but perhaps you can find a replacement using fewer words.

 

Yeah, that was over the top - but I was incorporating a feeling I had experienced myself at one point, personally, and that's how it felt. It wasn't crushing. It was spearing.

 

 

Can someone really "suppress and compartmentalize" such feelings? Permanently? Securely? This letter opens a view into a mind that needs help or a change of scenery.

No, they can't; not in a healthy way. What the author is doing here is shoving those feelings back into a little place somewhere where they can't be seen or felt by others. He knows it's a bit off-kilter, he knows that the situation could be awkward at best and downright scary at worst for Jon. Because he has real feelings for him, misplaced or not, he's trying to do what he thinks is "right".

 

PS. I seriously cannot find letter #1. I missed it. Is #2 a revision of #1? km

 

The layout might be confusing. Letter 1 takes place in that hotel room. Letter 2 is the fantasy/dream.

 

Again, thank you very much for your comments.

 

-Dez

[knotme]

I'd like to hear you elaborate on this a bit, maybe. Disturbing how, and why? Or was this before you knew Jon was of legal age?

Maybe my assumption, now corrected, that Jon is a minor, left me predisposed to be disturbed. What disturbs me is the way the speaker is dealing with his feelings. In Letter 1, he seems obsessed, guilty to an unhealthy degree, with impaired judgement. I offer the postscript as evidence: "I was going to change your name in this letter, just in case it was ever found by someone, but I couldn't come up with any other name that felt right on my tongue while thinking of you; I had to leave it alone." Obsession + impaired judgement = possible reckless behavior.

 

I can interpret the second letter in at least two ways. First, the speaker's guilt-ridden obsession follows him into sleep. Second, the speaker has begun to abstract Jon into a fantasy. The second interpretation offers more hope for the speaker. Am I making any sense?

 

knotme

 

PS. I think that both of the letters are labeled "Letter 2".

[jalaki]

PS. I think that both of the letters are labeled "Letter 2".

 

It appears that way, but the first "Letter #2" is a hyperlink leading to the second, so that would explain it. Might be better to actually put the two letters on separate pages.

 

 

As for the letter itself...I have to agree with the "crack me up" on the cupcake & mustard/hot-dog metaphors. Those were pretty funny...In fact their humor almost seems out-of-place with the rest of the story, but IMO I think that actually adds to the piece overall, so I wouldn't change them. I loved the apple cider simile, however, that one seemd about perfect. And the icicle was pure awesomeness as well.

 

Other than a few minor technical glitches (a run-on sentence here, a missing comma there, the usual relatively tiny things) I don't think I can add much "constructive crticism" to what's already been said.

 

I quite enjoyed the piece overall, even though it was somewhat obvious that it was

a dream

. Which may have been intentional, but regardless, kudos to you my friend

[Formosa]

Maybe my assumption, now corrected, that Jon is a minor, left me predisposed to be disturbed. What disturbs me is the way the speaker is dealing with his feelings. In Letter 1, he seems obsessed, guilty to an unhealthy degree, with impaired judgement. I offer the postscript as evidence: "I was going to change your name in this letter, just in case it was ever found by someone, but I couldn't come up with any other name that felt right on my tongue while thinking of you; I had to leave it alone." Obsession + impaired judgement = possible reckless behavior.

 

I can interpret the second letter in at least two ways. First, the speaker's guilt-ridden obsession follows him into sleep. Second, the speaker has begun to abstract Jon into a fantasy. The second interpretation offers more hope for the speaker. Am I making any sense?

 

knotme

 

PS. I think that both of the letters are labeled "Letter 2".

 

POSSIBLE SPOILER

 

Hi!

 

Just read the second letter, and am again amazed by what 'spur of the moment', never-planned-on-writing can do

 

Well, I don't really think it's disturbing the way J is dealing with his feelings, especially in the first letter. If anything, writing, and especially addressed to the person J is so infactuated with, is a process for him to deal with those feelings. It's not for wrong him to have feelings, since Jon is not a minor; but it's only inappropiate beacuse of the relationship of the two (one being in a position of 'authority' over the other). And I think, or at least I get the feeling, J knows that, and wouldn't do anything to jeopardise the relationship between the two of them, however much he feelings tell him otherwise. ("not that I'd be fired, but I think the trust would be broken and the vibe would turn decidedly awkward.")

And I guess anyone who can identify and label themselves as "am a sad, obsessed little boy in an old man's body" is already very in touch with his feelings (or 'obsessions' if you like), and in my mind less likely to do anything 'reckless'.

 

The second letter reall has a nice, effective twist, and I guess as much an icicle in the feelings of wamrth that had been building up all along as for J. I didn't exactly crack up with the food metaphor, but it did make me I guess one way to read it is J might hungry...and to stretch it further his longing for food is parallel to his longing for Jon.

 

Sweet touch with the cat at the end...I know exactly what that feels like!

 

great~

David