The "Gay Threat"

[JamesSavik]

somehow he turned the conversation to the shirtless good looking guys playing rugby.

 

Oh he's cured.

[Matthew]

Well, he talked about how he struggles daily with "sinful thoughts". I personally think it would suck. It's like having sex with guys and then going back in the closet.

[C James]

Well, one of them was this creepy "ex-gay" guy who talked about how after his "counseling" he married an ex-lesbian and they're really happy together now.

 

And somehow he turned the conversation to the shirtless good looking guys playing rugby.

That guy is likely on a road to a breakdown, or worse.

 

I do know a married couple who are a gay guy and a lesbian, but they are long-time friends who married for legal reasons, and there is no illusion of marriage in the conventional sense between them. (though, they have been friends for so long they sure seem like a married couple sometimes!). I also know of gay people who are in straight marriages for real, but that is often a road to disaster, and I think the only hope for it to work is with total honest, not self-denial about what they are.

 

BTW, one of my freinds, I found out recently, thinks that "gay marriage" is actually defined as a gay guy and a lesbian getting married.

 

Well, he talked about how he struggles daily with "sinful thoughts". I personally think it would suck. It's like having sex with guys and then going back in the closet.

 

I think it would be worse than being in the closet. It is denial and self-deception, living a lie that you believe in. I was like that until I was 19: I didn't admit to myself that I was gay until then. Prior to that, I came up with every excuse that I could think of. I am not into casual sex, so I was able to convince myself that all I wanted to be was "best Friends" with a guy. I just liked looking at hot shirtless guys for self-improvement ideas. And the fact that I didn't want to date girls? I just wasn't attracted to girls and certainly never wanted to get married, so the fact that I was so frantic to keep myself out of sexual situations with them was perfectly normal. Of course, i kept it all to myself because I wouldn't want anyone to think I was gay.

Yep, those all sound hysterically funny now, but back then, i really believed it, and that is what I suspect the "ex-gay" guy is going through. It will play with his head over time. With me it sure did.

Edited November 2, 2006 by C James

[Graeme]

I do know a married couple who are a gay guy and a lesbian, but they are long-time friends who married for legal reasons, and there is no illusion of marriage in the conventional sense between them. (though, they have been friends for so long they sure seem like a married couple sometimes!). I also know of gay people who are in straight marriages for real, but that is often a road to disaster, and I think the only hope for it to work is with total honest, not self-denial about what they are.

I've brought this up before, but since it's relevant, I'll post this again. The following is an essay I did a couple of years ago for The Mail Crew. In it I talk about my marriage and give advice on the subject to anyone considering getting married:

 

http://www.themailcrew.com/graeme.html

 

I have also recently read that some conservatives define homosexuality based on acts, rather than orientation. From that point of view a homosexual who is in a heterosexual relationship is no longer homosexual, and hence "ex-gay". However, from the comments made above, the "ex-gay" speaker being talked about is still homosexual and is struggling with those feelings, but is doing what they can not to act on them.

 

I happen to know this well since I'm in the same situation. The essential difference is that I've finally accepted I'm gay (which I did just before I turned 41) AND my wife and I co-operate in the matter. She's only really asked one thing from me -- to stay true to my marriage vows by being faithful. In return, she accepts that I spend a lot of time on the internet interacting with my gay friends and writing gay fiction. She's still uncomfortable with the idea of me meeting anyone in person, because she has an irrational fear that they are "going to steal my husband." She knows it's irrational, but that doesn't make it less real. So, I make sure I don't meet anyone. She's soften her stance enough that I might be able to meet gay couples, but she still has a long way to go... and I'm happy to give her time.

 

Getting back on track -- there is a pressure on married gay men that only someone who has been in that situation can really appreciate. It's like being gay in the first place -- your straight friends may appreciate and accept, but I don't believe they will ever really understand what it's like to be gay in a straight-dominated society. I can appreciate that the "ex-gay" struggles daily because I have "gay thoughts" daily, too. In my case I accept them, and simply refuse to act on them if it would damage my relationship with my wife. If I have trouble with that, then I discuss it with my wife so we can work out TOGETHER what to do. In his case he feels that they are "wrong" and that is (in my humble opinion) making things worse for him. He may be strong enough to cope, but he may be heading towards a breakdown, as has been suggested.

 

This post is getting a bit long winded, so I'll stop now. If anyone has any questions on the issue of being gay or lesbian and marriage with someone of the opposite sex, please don't hesitate to contact me. This is a topic that my wife and I both feel strongly about. We don't want anyone to go through what we did.

[old bob]

I happen to know this well since I'm in the same situation. The essential difference is that I've finally accepted I'm gay (which I did just before I turned 41) AND my wife and I co-operate in the matter. She's only really asked one thing from me -- to stay true to my marriage vows by being faithful. In return, she accepts that I spend a lot of time on the internet interacting with my gay friends and writing gay fiction.

If anyone has any questions on the issue of being gay or lesbian and marriage with someone of the opposite sex, please don't hesitate to contact me.

Hey everyboy who is concerned

I had and have a happy life. It seems that I'm a lucky man ! When I got married, long time ago (my first son was on the way), I wasn't sure about myself. Today I know I'm bi, and my wife knows it also ! We are strongly bonded, but I have my freedom and it doesn't matter her if I meet my gay friends (also sexualy !) Love and freedom can exist together. We made both our experiences, went together through a lot of fights and were alway open to each other. Age helps a lot, provided that you sincere and convinced that love to each other (with or without sex) is the most important feeling which remains nevertheless. All these who have to get married should keep their hope to a freedly and happy life. It's what I wish them.

Old Bob

Edited November 2, 2006 by old bob