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MichaelS36

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  1. MichaelS36

    Who Are You?

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    You ever ask yourself that question? 
    I have been, often over the past few years. Who am I? Better would who the hell do you think you are?  For many reasons, at many times. 
    Maybe it's time to look at that honestly.
    Yeah, maybe it is. 
     
  2. MichaelS36

    E.C.T.

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    ECT (electroconvulsive therapy)can be an effective albeit last resort treatment for suicidal ideation.  When my husband came to me to say he'd discussed this treatment option with his psychiatrist, I was at once afraid and sad. ECT had been discussed several years ago. It was left behind on the table in favour of other treatments. 
    The other treatments which worked had slowly, over the years, become less effective. tim told me that the voices that urged him to take his life had become stronger. Fighting them was more difficult. As was proven about two years ago, when his suicide attempt was nearly successful.
    More in-person talk therapy was given as were different combinations of drugs. tim tried but said recently these were no longer working well and he wanted to try ECT.  
    After speaking with tim's trusted long time psychiatrist, we decided to try it. You can imagine where my thoughts led me: patients strapped to tables, awake when the treatment is administered. 
    Thankfully, that is far from the reality. 
    So far, tim has had three treatments.  So far, he's doing well and he thinks it might be helping.  I'm not sure that's true as I've been told it's a bit soon. 
    But belief is a powerful thing. 
    I live in hope. 
  3. MichaelS36

    Ghost or ???

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    So, this is a little odd. I'm not one for making things up or for having hallucinations. I don't use drugs other than my diabetic prescription and never have.  My life is fact based. I was a detective for a number of years and a successful one. 
    Where is this going? 
    Here ... I am a night owl. I'm often up to 2 a.m. I enjoy the quiet after the boy and other husband have gone to bed. Last night it seems we had a visitor, or some extremely strange anomaly. On one of our wall units are tim's mum's urn and a keepsake of my dad. Both contain human ashes. Next them is a small battery operated votive candle. The battery has been dead for sometime and it was switched off. 
    It was still switched off when it came on was lit brightly at about 1:30 a.m.  It remained on for about five minutes. 
    tim tried to switch it on today, nothing happened and that's because the battery needs to be changed. 
    So, a sign from loved ones, or a freaky happening?
    Logically, I'd say anomaly, but my heart prefers the former. 
  4. MichaelS36

    What I Think

    By MichaelS36,

    WARNING ***Discussion of race, religion, bigotry lies ahead. It's what I feel and think. If you don't like what I feel and think feel free to ignore this blog. If your mind is closed, do not read this blog. If you are afraid of your own truth, do not read this blog. If you are looking for honesty and acceptance, I hope you choose to read on. ***
     
    I've been thinking about what is going on in our world besides COVID-19. I wish it wasn't what has been happening. I've been debating saying anything about how I feel but an online posting by a woman, who is an educator just made me decide. I wish I knew her name but it's not on what I listened to. However, there is a lot online about this topic.  About the scientific fact there is only a single race of people on the planet Earth.
    Like other groups of animals we come in various colours, shapes and styles. Cats, for example, come in a rainbow of colours, some with folded ears, some with extra toes, some with no tails or fur... do we shun tailless cats? Think of them as less of a cat because of this fact? No. Do we think they are dogs because they have no tail, or some other lesser species? NO!
    The same goes for skin colour. Skin pigmentation does not signal a different race, nor does your religion.  As the lady says, believing that is stupid and wrong.
    The invention that Black people and others are a different race is, like religion, a human invention.  It was made up because it was easier to believe that, so oppressors and slavers could defend what they were doing. We still do it. We decide based on skin colour, who a person is, what they are.  Religion was made up also as a form of control. So a few could control many with the fear of the Almighty. 
    Believe me, Jesus Christ, who I do believe existed, was not a white man. He did not have blue eyes and blond hair.  But how can such wisdom come from someone not white? Because it came from a fellow human being with the same depth of being, of caring that exists in many of us today. We come in all colours. 
    Yesterday, I listened to weeping Black women, who were being robbed in their own stores by other Black people, at gun point. They were saying, Black lives don't even matter to ourselves. It's heartbreaking.
    There are lots of instances of white people doing the same to fellow white people.
    Racism is alive and well, same-colour on same-colour violence and hatred is alive and well.  
    We need to stop. We need to use our intelligence and see there are good and bad people in all colours and genders. Colour is not a marker, it does not define if we will be good, bad, intelligent, racist, quiet, loud, violent, gentle, loving or hating. There is no racism gene. How we behave and what we believe is learned. 
    And we can unlearn it.
    Do not be afraid to look at yourself as I look at myself. Reach out to all your brothers and sisters and fellow humans, no matter what they call themselves, who they love or what they believe.
    As a very out Gay man I have fought for my right to BE. Black Gay friends have had it doubly hard. That is wrong...WRONG! 
    IT NEEDS TO STOP. STOP THE HATRED, STOP BEING AFRAID. Love your fellow man. 
    Yes, there be monsters but they are not defined by colour. 
     
    Michael S. 6/6/2020
  5. MichaelS36

    Life At Ours

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    I've wondered for a while if I should talk about things going on in my, our, lives.  I'm not much in the way of an attention seeker. I've always found being who I am attracts enough attention without me seeking it. 
    I returned to school last year, I'm nearly done the first part of the course I'm taking: cybersecurity.  It's in line with what I used to do, and what interests me and what I know can contribute. I'll look for a job in that field once I'm done, but I know there will be more schooling to come, likely at night school or distance. I then hope tim can reduce his hours or quit altogether if he wishes. 
    tim's job is extremely stressful. Enough that a month or so ago he attempted to end his life. There was blood and hospital for a week. On my part fear and profound sadness. I was asleep at the time this happened and if it hadn't been for our other partner, Dan, tim likely would not be with us.  Dan woke and noticed tim wasn't in bed and he got up to investigate. I slept through it all until Dan had bound tim's wounds, called the paramedics and at that point he woke me up.
    I think about that. Too much and too often. I wonder if I did so purposely and that thought feeds the sucking guilt in my soul. 
    My more sensible side tells me, you were asleep because you don't sleep enough, you have a chronic disease, you're going to school and you're dealing with your father who has cancer. I try to believe this voice. Dan tells me the same things, as does my therapist.
    Dan's been with us for a while now. He's a good fit and we have a good time together. He makes my life much easier, as he's home, while I'm at school, so tim isn't alone.  More than all of that he's my friend. 
    I hope when I'm working again, that tim will at the very least reduce his hours. Maybe he'll find a way to write and publish again. he says its because he doesn't have an editor, but I'm not so sure about that. I'd like him to have more leisure time, write, volunteer, sleep more, exercise, visit ... whatever he'd like as long as it doesn't involve trying to keep customer's happy. he is very good at his job, but it's taking a toll. 
    I saw a guy on tv last night. He'd been a cop for 17 years, and doing what I'd done for a part of that time. He worked trying to track pedophiles, he worked to help save kids. It's a necessary job but it takes its own toll. He went home one night.. and sat down.. and could not move. He was having a very real breakdown. I was lucky to have left before that happened to me. He had to retire and deal with the never ending nightmares. They are part of the reason I don't like to sleep too early so when I finally sleep I don't remember dreams. 
    Even with all of this .. all of what could be, I'm hopeful that tim will fight back and choose life, I'm hopeful I'll be able to give him and us the life we want and deserve.   
    As I read this over I ask myself why I'm writing this. I don't know really .. better out than in?  Maybe someone out there needs to read it? Don't know. 
    But here it is. 
     
  6. MichaelS36

    Right Now

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    My husband has gone to bed. his life right now ... I pause because I cannot think of the words ... his life right now is sadness and chaos.  And I am not sure why.  his days are filled with Prime TV and pills that numb him. 
    I cannot fix him. Doctors tinker but the result is the same. 
    They say time heals. But there is something inside him I cannot reach and he cannot stop. 
    It makes me feel impotent and helpless.  I wonder how much time this will take. 
    But in the face of this, there is nothing to do but to shoulder my burden and walk on.  Our journey is a slow one, sometimes a painful one, but it is one he will not make alone.  
  7. MichaelS36

    A Farewell and a Poem

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    The end was coming faster than any of us wanted. 
    My father knew he was dying and said as much in early March this year. He'd battled cancer over the last three years. 
    I wonder if he'd opted for the surgery from the start whether he'd be with us now. He chose chemo and radiation and other options. I don't discuss this with my mother. She doesn't need me to bring it up. But, how he fought this disease was his own battle in the long run.
    He died as he'd lived—on his own road. 
    He taught us about living your own life. He taught us right from wrong. He taught us that we had to be able to look in the mirror and see a person we could be proud of. 
    My father is why I am who I am.  I'm out and always have been since I figured out I was gay. He and my mom were the first people I told when I was about thirteen, I guess. Later, I told them about the lifestyle I live. Both of them have always accepted me and loved me.  For that I'm grateful every day.
    At the end of May there will be a celebration of his life. It'll take place outdoors, a casual drop in for friends and family. A time to remember a wonderful man. 
    There will always be hole in my heart, but in time it will fill with memories of him and that will make it easier to bear. 
    My mother was a good partner for Dad and she misses him greatly. They'd been together over 50 years.  But she is as strong as he was and while it hurts, she is holding on and reaching out to her sons, family and friends. 
    I'm no poet but my wonderful husband tells me this is okay... Well for better or worse, this is for you, Dad. 
     
     
    When I was young, you were bigger than life
    Father, a giant in my boyish eyes
    Under gentle protection, love was rife
    You taught me respect and to eschew lies
     
    Acceptance of me, I never doubted
    I wore my own skin, not someone else's guise
    You gave me freedom, never rerouted
    Meeting life in spite of what may arise
     
    Dear Father you are from life departed
    I will always recall your words most wise
    Love, be kind and forever bighearted
    For all of these will deliver the prize
     
    Of a life lived well, few regrets and strife
    Where no demons exist to exorcise
    *****************************************
     
    Comments aren't necessary. Of course you will do as you wish and that's okay. Not sure when I'll feel up to replying so if it takes me awhile, I hope you'll forgive me. 
  8. MichaelS36

    Beloved

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    I sit in the waiting room. Waiting for him; my beloved. 
    I wonder about this word, so I decide to look it up. I look up its origins: late Middle English: past participle of obsolete belove ‘be pleasing’ and later 'love'. Interesting.
    We know it means love, dear, dearest, most loved. 
    John, in his epistles, addresses his disciples as 'beloved'. Jesus Christ is the beloved son of God.
    To me, it is a word with deeper meaning than love. It describes a love that is of the soul; of someone who is a part of me. Someone who I'd sacrifice for, die for. That person is my beloved. 
    That person is my husband. he that is all to me; beloved.  he is mine and I am his, now and always.
    I think of these things because not to, is to lose what we share. I think of them because love needs tending, as does a garden. 
    Ignoring love will cause it to wither and die as surely as not watering the garden will kill it. 
  9. MichaelS36

    Lesson Learned

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    Well, yesterday tim and I had a rather big yet stupid argument. It wasn't nice, tim was rightly angry and hurt. I don't remember the last time I felt that angry. 
    It was totally preventable and it was organic. 
    What happened isn't important, it was a true accident, tim was hurt physically (not badly), but I told him to get out of the way. he took offense to my reaction and left the kitchen quietly. Which angered me more and from there it escalated. Leaving tim angry and telling me I could do one! 
    Which I deserved. 
    During a discussion later, tim wondered if perhaps my blood sugar may have caused my reaction. It's quite possible as normally I'm not terribly quick to anger. 
    Lesson learned. I need to make sure I eat properly throughout the day so I don't end up with blood sugar issues if dinner isn't right on time. 
    I apologized to my precious husband, who forgave me instantly. Reminding me again, just how lucky I am. 
  10. MichaelS36

    Vows

    By MichaelS36,


    Relationships
    The other evening a friend said to me; "The hard times are when I think about my vows to my husband. And that helps. We all have troubles, but we can be the constant in the lives of those we love. There's something sublime and wonderful about that."
    He's right, of course. Being there for others, a partner or friend, is a wonderful feeling.  Those vows we make when we marry are not just words to be said because 'that's what you do'.  No. They are and should be words held in the highest regard. Sacred? Maybe they should be. 
    Too many people seem to easily forget them when times are hard, rather than do as my friend said. Hard times are when our vows are most important. They should be a comfort and a beacon. 
    I read about couples forced now to be home with each other. Many are not doing very well. They argue and fight about everything it seems. The don't know how to compromise and share. What a shame that is.
    But also, for many the opposite is true as well. 
    It has been for tim and I. We talk more, laugh more. We can be quiet together, each of us doing our own thing. Being locked down together since March 2020 has been good for our relationship. 
    Though, it hasn't been walk in the park. tim struggles with depression and that has hit hard sometimes during 'Covid'. But he has held on and worked through it. Taking time to care for himself.
    If you're in a committed relationship and you made vows to each other and you find you are struggling, look back at that day, remember the look in your beloved's eyes and the words you said to them and they to you.  Say them again each day in your heart. Mean them. 
    Relationships are work. The things we struggle for and work for offer the greatest reward. 
    That love you share is worth it, everyday. 
     
     
  11. MichaelS36
    On GA we have a great and friendly community.  I've enjoyed my time here. I have met some wonderful people. I accept these people for who they are here, online. 
    I use my real first name, Michael or Mike.  I do not share my real surname here or on my email address.
    I believe in privacy.  People can accept that or not.  The majority I have met, do.
    The internet is a tool. It has much to offer and much to answer for. 
    We need to be careful online and respectful of others. Much can befall people who are not careful.
    This goes especially for your personal information. To be liked and successful online, do not ask for private details, do not share yours. Don’t give people too much information about your job or your employer or school.
    You do not have to meet people in person no matter what they tell you or say.
    Watch your privacy settings on Facebook, and other social media. If you choose to meet someone, be careful. Never meet in private, never give your home address, make sure someone knows where you are and have a set time for them to call you to confirm you are okay. Be smart and be safe.  
    If people want things from you ... money, information or anything that makes you uncomfortable, and saying no, I’m not comfortable with that does not stop them or satisfy them, then you may have to walk away. Anyone calling you friend, will understand and be happy with the relationship you have within your own personal boundaries. If they are not, if they draw a line in the sand expecting you to tell them everything to keep them a friend, then they were never your friend and do not deserve you in their life.
    Keep safe online. Enjoy your friends. Trust them, until you have reason not to. 
     
    So this is a two-for-one blog ... you lucky people!!!  (insert a laugh here)
     
    Love
    The world outside is hard and tiresome. We work, drive and slog through everyday living looking forward to going home when our duties are done.
    Home is a refuge for most of us. It is for me. It was when I was single, even more so now with my husband, tim.
    Millions of songs have said it … you are my everything, my reason.
    And tim is to me. When I step inside our apartment and close the world out behind me. There he is. All I want and all I need.
    I love him, like no other. Each day I am grateful to have what I do in my life.
    Tell those you love and care for how you feel. Share that because it is what the world and we all, need now.
     
    Thanks for reading. 
  12. MichaelS36

    Rant

    By MichaelS36,

    Changes are needed in our world.  So many of them it's hard to sort out. 
    Life is a gift.  Yet we take it lightly. We disrespect it. 
    Why, in this day and age, we fear our differences is frankly, stupid, ignorant and childish.  We live in an age of great knowledge. We live in great melting pots filled with people from everywhere. And rather than stop and learn about each other, we hide in the corner like frightened children. 
    Stop blaming. Stop being afraid. We are all just human beings. 
    Ignorance is rife.   Be proud of who you are but not at the expense of others. Open your heart and spirits. 
    Grow the hell up.  Wear your masks. 
    Stop hating.  
    Life is so damn short ... hatred is just a damn waste of my time. 
  13. MichaelS36
    I know I’ve said this before; I always wanted a marriage like my parents have. Of course, I knew it wouldn’t be traditional, given the fact I am Gay, but I wanted it all the same.
     
    As I hung with friends, played baseball and hockey, went through school, I came to realize I was often assuming a dominant position, and often asked to lead. It was sort of a natural thing.  I ended up in school taking criminology and socio-legal studies, and received my degree. I went on to become a police officer and eventually a detective.
     
    While I was still a uniformed officer, I accepted who I was: a Dominant Sadist. I read and spoke to people and dipped my toes into the world of BDSM, and D/s. I met John, a friend and mentor who was also a cop at the time.
     
    I learned more and dated. Submissive men were attracted and attractive to me. Yet it was an unsettled life. The boys came and went. I still wanted to find, him—the one.
     
    I’ve written about that before, meeting tim.
     
    We have been together now for ten years, married for nine of them. We have had ups and downs. We have made mistakes, yet we remain together.
     
    Recently, when our anniversary was upon us, we talked about why and what our relationship is, and means.
     
    We both feel we are as strong as we are because of our chosen lifestyle: D/s. It is a journey. The relationship between us a living thing. Love needs tending. It needs thought and touch. It needs the everyday small things.  There are few arguments in our house, because we both accept our roles within our relationship. When you accept that, there is little to fight about.
     
    In our case our life needs discipline, strictness, pain, honesty and above all else, it needs trust. tim’s trust and belief in me is at its strongest now, I think. It is a fine line, this place of Dom/boy/husbands. Yet, it can work. You both must want it and you must both be headed in the same direction. Our destination is the horizon.
     
    After ten years you’d think things and feelings would wane.
     
    Last night tim, was tired. I put him to bed with his natural calm and some reading. He fell asleep and when I returned, I settled him down. I lay with him, holding him to me. He pushed back and moved in my arms, telling me of his desire. Wiggling … still after all these years. Those feelings still strong between us.
     
    I whispered, “you need to sleep, boy.”
     
    There was a small sigh … Doms hate sighs!
     
    But I couldn’t help but smile as he snuggled back and replied, “Yes, Sir.”
     
    All is right in my world.
     
    I hope it is in yours. I wish you all a wonderful Christmas/Holiday Season and a joyous New Year.
  14. MichaelS36

    I Sleep - a poem

    By MichaelS36,

    Sometimes in the early morning, things just come to you... 
     
    In the cold of the morning in the cocoon of our bed
    you snuggle closer, seeking my heat and my presence
    And I draw you to me, into my embrace, holding you tightly
    your sigh is comfort, a whisper to my heart
    I know you are happy, and I know you feel safe
     
    I fight my desire to take you, possess you as you sleep
    your lithe body, close to me and I draw your scent into my lungs;
    the remnants of the lime cologne you wear to please me.
    I whisper your name and you stir; attuned my voice
    your slim hand moves across my forearm and I smile
     
    you sleep clothed in nothing for my ease
    I love the touch of your warm skin against my own
    and you feel my desire, because you lean into me
    yet you slumber; and I watch, but I am tired
    So with my lips on your sweet neck, I too, sleep
     
     
    ~~
  15. MichaelS36

    Lyric

    By MichaelS36,

    I must say I struggled with this one. And I am sorry there is only one. However, here it is and it has been hopefully improved somewhat after a talk with AC.  This one is about our last trip to the hospital …
     

     
    I force you to the hospital

    and you won’t recall it

    you fight me like a frightened thing

    because you are hurting


     
    You, my love are so very strong

    yet you are made of glass

    the hidden flaws begin to show

    widening tiny cracks


     
    As I pace the long corridor

    fearing for your future

    wondering if you'll be the same

    or now forever changed


     
    Once you finally awaken

    groggy from all the meds

    I am allowed to sit with you

    and hold onto your hand.


     
    Your life has been so very hard

    I want for you some peace

    respite from the haunting specters;

    some quiet blessed sleep

  16. MichaelS36

    Life

    By MichaelS36,

    Today tim shared a motivational poster which said: The older I get the more I understand that it's okay to live a life other's don't understand. 
    That made me think. While it is true many do not understand our D/s lifestyle, recently, I've found myself questioning it also. 
    I do not believe D/s will ever be totally gone from us. But I have found that by easing back a little bit, life is more fun and more fulfilling. I have discussed these changes with tim; these lessening of the Rules. he seems fine with what has been happening. The change wasn't a decision, it's been organic, an evolution of sorts and it suits us. I believe it comes from changes in tim.  he is more confident, happier, stronger. These are things to encourage and reward, so I have had to change as well. 
    But he will always be my boy, and I his, Sir.  he is still respectful and defers to me, but something is different, less rigid. It is there but I cannot pin down what it is exactly. However these changes manifest themselves may not stay within the D/s colouring book lines always. 
    But you know what?  It's our life … your life … and it needs living the best we can.
    Do what makes you happy. We most certainly are. 
  17. MichaelS36
    I suppose this piece should have a WARNING … if you are closed minded, cannot deal with things outside your own experience or what you think is 'normal', or believe that relationships with more than two people are wrong. DO NOT READ THIS. 
     
     
    I have never been conventional.
    Well, I say that, yet, I wanted to be married. But I also believe you can love more than one. I believe that bringing others into a relationship for friendship and sex is a good thing and that it can work. 
    Until last year, my husband resisted that. he was unsure, worried that I would love the other more, leave him possibly. We eventually did share with another couple we've known for a long time. tim came to realize that I would never leave him. That he is my main dance partner for life. And, if push came to shove … he is truly all I need. 
    Knowing that has freed him. Freed him to not be afraid of both mental and physical relationships with others.  That is not to say that we just jump into bed with everyone. We do not, nor do we want to. There has to be a connection, feeling … neither of us want some casual thing. 
    Early this year an ex of mine, who remained a friend, came to me to talk and for some comfort. He'd been ready to ask his boyfriend to marry him. Just before that event, the boyfriend admitted he was tired and had met someone else. Someone he'd been having an affair with for nearly a year. 
    My friend Jim was devastated. He changed his shift to nights only, so he slept in the day, making it easier to avoid life. 
    One day Jim asked if he could spend more time with us. I said sure. I'm not sure how we ended up on the topic but he asked if we might consider more with him. He was missing companionship and sex. He and I had dated for a couple of years and we had parted for various reasons as friends, so I had no problem with that. I still cared for him a lot. 
    And then I nearly messed it up by pushing too hard. It upset my husband, who knew who Jim was, but didn't know him. After some real honest talk, the three of us decided we needed to spend time together to get to know each other, to let things develop. 
    I'm happy to say they have developed. We have this closeness now, a bond. We care deeply and continue to nurture this new relationship. 
    I'm not sure how far it will go or where we may end up. 
    But for now it feels good, and it feels right.
  18. MichaelS36
    Like the title says not all things in life work. It's a shame, but it's true. 
    My desire for our new boyfriend to become more in our little family didn't come to fruition. He decided it wasn't right for him and moved on. I've talked to him, but we'll leave it here for the moment. 
    All of this was hard on tim. Especially since he'd grown so close to Jim. 
    tim is willing to continue on this adventure - he has a big heart and wants to make me happy - but we will see.  
    I am aware of other things he wants to explore, more related to our lifestyle, perhaps that's the best way to go. 
    Hearts are nothing to be played with. 
     
  19. MichaelS36

    I Know What Love Is

    By MichaelS36,

    I thought I knew what love is. 
    I thought I knew when I met tim.  I thought I knew when he agreed to marry me. 
    But walking behind him down the street, watching his such-long legs supporting his perfect ass and his black leather jacket sitting just at his sweetly slim hips, made me feel it deeply. This brilliant, sexy, funny, and deeply compassionate man was mine. Then he turned and he smiled at me. It was such a smile, it lit my soul with the brilliance of a thousand suns. I wondered what I'd done to deserve him in my life. 
    tim is a good boy. At dinner he was so calm, so relaxed and happy, when the waiter offered a drink, he ordered a glass of chardonnay. Like you would. 
    Except in our lifestyle, he should have asked me.
    he realised and looked to me, eyes wide.
    But today he'd been so happy, so in the moment, I smiled and waved away the small infraction. he knew … that was enough. 
    And I knew. And I know and I hope in that moment, he knew just what he means to me.
  20. MichaelS36

    Worthy

    By MichaelS36,

    How do you tell someone who can't see themselves, they are worthy … of love … of life?
     
    I see the dark circles under your beautiful brown eyes

    And I wonder how I can fix it …

    Fix all the wrongs done to you in your life

    How can I take that pain from then and now?

    You do not see your own strength within you

    Life dealt you a bad hand

    You lived through pain, and horrors I cannot imagine

    I can only promise to be with you

    To hold you up and protect you when I can

    Don’t hate yourself for the days when you can’t face life

    when you need time to become yourself once again

    Be as kind to the man in mirror as you are to others

    Forget those who find glee in your pain, who taunt

    They are not worthy of your time or thought

    Don’t compare yourself to them or others

    For you are the dawn in my days

    The bright ember in my heart;

    the love of my life …

     … and you are worthy

    Of me and our everlasting love

  21. MichaelS36

    When You're Weary

    By MichaelS36,

    And I am … weary that is. 
    There are times I just want peace, selfishly for myself. Fighting tim's depression, mood swings and self-loathing, wears me out, it tires me and breaks my heart. And today when I bent to pick up his ART meds, he no longer wants to take … today I wondered why I continue. That scared me, that question, because never before have I asked it.
    Valentine's Day is the worst day of the year, for him and so for me.  It brings memories to my sweet husband, things, time and people that are lost to him. The lack, leaves holes and dark empty spaces no one and nothing can fill. 
    I beg him to take his meds, remind him today is only one day and it will pass … that tomorrow will be a better day.  he takes them, but I can see the disappointment  in his eyes as that lie passes my lips.
    And I wonder for how much longer I can do this?  How much longer will he bear what he does before he chooses to stop his meds?  
    And I give myself a shake and go to shower. It's Friday and we have an appointment to keep. 
  22. MichaelS36

    Falling In Love Again

    By MichaelS36,

    It's a funny thing, marriage. We go through life together my husband and I. We work, commute, shop, watch TV, cook, eat, shower, make love, laugh, talk and all the other things we do, together each day. Often by rote. Often without a lot of thought. 
    I care for him during those times he is in the troughs of depression. When he's ill. When he's afraid. During the nights when nightmares of the past haunt him. It's my duty as his partner to be there for him. It isn't a chore, it's a privilege to be married to him, and to be there for him. 
    But life is filled with cycles. We go through them and sometimes I just wake up and see him. 
    Who he really is and what he means to me. In those moments I know what love is. 
    And it's so intense it takes my breath away. 
    As I fall in love with him all over again. 
  23. MichaelS36

    What I Want

    By MichaelS36,

    I read about what people say about lockdown and this pandemic. I watch my beautiful boy suffer from sadness he doesn't understand. Watch him choke back tears he doesn't know why he's crying. In the dark of night I hold him close when his dreams are bad and when he needs the comfort of my skin. 
    I listen to people complain about how hard it is. How they want normal back. 
    I wonder what normal is gonna look like?
    I am lucky that I have tim with me. Lucky that I can hold him close and that we are not alone.
    I go to help my parents, and I look forward to the day that maybe I can hug my mother again rather than just wave to her.  I cannot fathom not being there when she dies or having my last words with her by phone. I want that to not happen.  But I am lucky and go and see them and wave. 
    I never want to stop enjoying when a stranger says, Hi to me when we are out walking. We are in this together. Be kind, be generous of spirit. Smile.
    We miss our new boyfriend. We talk with him and maybe there's been some sexting.. maybe a little more.    But that's no substitute for having him with us.  But we are lucky there's skype, phones and yes, webcams.
    I want normal. I want to not stand 2 metres from everyone. I want not to wait in lines to shop. I want toilet paper, cheap meat, to eat in a restaurant, to hug my family and a shit ton more. 
    Be happy, and be creative. Do not be afraid, this is our life. It may not be perfect, but it's what we have. 
     
    I want a lot.
    But right now I am grateful for what I have. 
  24. MichaelS36

    Who W/we Are

    By MichaelS36,

    Who W/we Are
     
    First if I am out of bed at this god-forsaken time something is on my mind. Right now, it is the feeling I must defend who and what tim and I are, and how we live.
    I likely don’t. This will likely be repetitive. But I don’t care.
    Better out, than in!
    I am a Dom. A Dominant man. I have a boy … who is my submissive. That does not mean only that I take the dominant role in sex. Our lifestyle is one of Dominance and submission, it is a partnership.
    tim, my boy, is the most important person in my life. My role is to care for him, mentally and physically. I love and cherish the person he is. tim is submissive because it is natural for him to be. To him, I am his teacher, his lover, caregiver, I give him shelter from the storms of life. he knows he can run to me and I will protect him.
    I make most of the decisions in our life. tim and I discuss things, but the ultimate choice belongs with me. My responsibility. If the truth be told, tim does not want the responsibility.
    I do things, expect things that I know make him grumble mostly to himself, sometimes to his friends. That’s fine, he a human being. For example, I usually select his clothes, tell him when to get a haircut and how I want it.
    Why? tim is an introvert. If left to his own devices he’d grow his hair to hide behind and wear clothes two sizes too big. he is a handsome man, I am proud of him and enjoy having him beside me, so I care how he looks. he likes that I make these decisions for him.
    tim is quiet, he stammers when he’s forced to talk especially to strangers. Writing is a different thing. Writing frees his mind and makes it easier for him to communicate.
    It is tim’s nature to care for others. he is empathetic, but often takes on too much of other’s hurt. Until he is hurting. His past most of you know about, the abuse he suffered during those years still haunts him. It left him with PTSD, nightmares, depression and HIV. Conflict is difficult.
    Before I was diagnosed, tim worried about symptoms I was displaying. Over and over he asked me to see a doctor. I told him there was nothing to worry about. This went on for a while, until it became too much for him.
    tim my quiet, beautiful husband finally raised his voice to me. Told me, didn’t ask, in no uncertain terms that if I was his Sir, his Dom that it was my responsibility to look after myself, so I could look after him.
    That few minutes cost tim a lot. It was totally out of his comfort zone, not who he is at all.
    In that few minutes, I was shocked, slightly angry. But then I saw, I had messed up. I had forced him to do this thing. I hadn’t paid attention.
    tim saw a huge empty, black place ahead, if something happened to me. Which I never thought about. He was so afraid, he yelled at me. I went for tests, brought him with me for the results. I have diabetes. his bravery likely saved my life.
    subs are brave, loving people. I am grateful for mine every day.
    As a Dom what do I get out of this? I am fulfilled because I look after tim. I protect him, let him be who he is.
    D/s is about control. But it is rarely loud. Our D/s scene/play is quiet. Quiet because being quiet takes control. Breathing is controlled, there is no moaning, groaning or begging. There is silence as much as possible. Sometimes sex is involved, often it is not.
    Being a Dom means you are aware, flexible, you need to be able to read your sub and understand them.
    Here is where things become murkier. D/s can involve S&M, bondage and other fetishes. It depends on the couple. For some those things are never part of their lives. That is why when people who have zero idea about D/s write it, they get it wrong. They do not see the interactions, do not understand the little everyday things that make us who we are.
    Sex? We have sex like all Gay couples. I am a top, tim a bottom. Because I am a Dom I normally control things. Sometimes that includes allowing tim to come or not, it includes what we do, how we do it. But sometimes I let tim decide. I know he enjoys exploring my body so I let him. It’s fun for us both.
    Finally, we do not choose to be what we are; we do not turn it off and on. Like being Gay, it is NOT a choice.
    We simply are.
     
    Just a little more …  tim wrote this about a trip to the store .. in it he refers to me.. but it really says so much about him. 
    Out
    Today we went shopping you and me.
    We met an older man.
    He was not pretty,
    but I won’t be if I live so long.
    You talked to him like You do, so easily
    so openly; while I stand quietly afraid
    to trip over my tied tongue.
    You said something about, my husband,
    and he looked at each of us then.
    I am so thinking, here it comes.
    - me with little faith in my straight brothers -
    He smiled and said: Oh, how wonderful!
    And we stood, the three of us in
    Best Buy, speaking of English TV
    and detective shows.
    As you do.
  25. MichaelS36

    Choices

    By MichaelS36,

    It's been sometime since I wrote anything. Life has been doing its utmost to kick my ass. Well, I have some choice words for that, which I shall refrain from using. 
    Seems my shoulder issues are tied into my diabetes. My physio, who is a talented and caring woman, has suggested speaking to my doctor about seeing an orthopedic surgeon. Damn it this is not what I was hoping for. 
    However, my wonderful and talented boy, tim has said, "You don't want to feel like this forever."
    And he is right. I don't. I've done a bit of reading it doesn't sound too bad. 
    Time I guess to speak with the doc. 
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