JamesSavik

Most Mississippians don't have to go back very far to find farm roots. A tradition that we have that dates back a long time is the Christmas Pig. Farmers keep one pig out of their herd for the Christmas Season. They make sausage and bacon and all that but the prize is the pork loin. Christmas Eve they have a big pork loin roast with mashed potatoes (or rice), pork gravy, vegetables and biscuits.

My writing has never been what I would call really inspired. It has been fun, cathartic on occasion and sometimes I'll come up with something I'm really proud of. In the past I've written stories with conspicuous drinking and drug use. As I was in active addiction for a lot of my life, that's my experience, I couldn't write normal kids playing baseball and living in non-dysfunctional families. I wouldn't know where to start. The feedback that I've gotten from Redemption is one that has really been gratifying and humbling. I think I REALLY hit a nerve with it. Going forward, I am going to address recovery. Specifically, I'm going to address the issues that young GLBT people face in recovery. Like the conflict between the 12 step higher power and the negative experience with religion many GLBT people have. Like the Lambda AA/NA groups that make many young people feel like a mackerel in a shark tank. Like going to a 12 step program and encountering homophobia Judging from what I've been hearing from people about Redemption, there is a lot of interest there and, maybe it can do some good.

Sex sells and kinky raunchier sex sells salaciously. Too bad nobody was wearing a chicken suit. It would have probably hit CNN.

I finished my paper and project for my solid state electronics class! I'm riding an A into finals. Tomorrow I present my gadget and how it works. My project is a smart geiger counter that can connect to computers for data logging. It's smart enough to network the devices together and connect to a central hub so they can monitor radiation levels over a large area- like say around the Chernobyl exclusion zone, the ruins if the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant, any number of open air or underground test sites that need to be monitored on a long term basis. Each node will cost ~$300, the hub $1200. They run on a Linux core with programming in static RAM with a geiger-muller tube, wi-fi, solar power and a GPS Chip. Depending on the detector tube, prices may vary. I'm excited about more than my anthology entry.

for the addicts that never found recovery and the ones we lost on the way

It was a bad day for all concerned.

This is actually common in volcanic eruptions. Lava is very hot and under high pressure. When it comes out, the pressure is released and there are literally tons of ionized gas and dust particles that are liberated from the magma. In a Pilnian eruption like this one, the cloud is charged and the lightning that you see occurs as the cloud cools and discharges itself. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plinian_eruption This sort of eruption is named after Pilny the Younger who chronicled the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79AD.

Responsibility is a word that has really been raped over time. It means blame- Who is responsible for toilet papering Principal Skinner's house? It means shame- The criminal admitted his responsibility and took a plea bargain. It can sometimes mean burden- I am responsible for taking out the trash on Mondays and Fridays. It often means guilt- My insurance dropped me because I was responsible for the accident. All of those definitions have made it a word that many people are frightened of. People are afraid of responsibility because in their mind it means blame, shame, burden or guilt. This fear of responsibility has made a great many people abrogate their responsibilities or simply refuse to accept any responsibility. When this happens, it causes serious consequences. One of the REAL meanings of responsibility is POWER. When you accept responsibility, you take power over yourself, job or position. When you refuse to accept responsibility, you cede that power to someone else. When you refuse any responsibility you give up what personal power that you have. When we get rid of the blame, shame, burden and guilt definition and replace it with POWER, it gives us an entirely different outlook. Start replacing the word responsibility for power in your mind and see what happens. I think you'll like it. Addendum : There are two other parts of this that are important. Ownership: by taking responsibility, you take ownership. Accountability: responsibility usually comes with accountability. I could expand on these concepts but I'll leave it as an exercise for the reader. Now consider how these three work together to moderate each other.

Haines-hunter! I want one.

This is fun. Needs a little editing and remember that some New Zealand details might need a little translation for us barbarians.

I'm beginning to really dislike Jason. He doesn't know jack about people. It would take me about 20 seconds to spot the signs of serious trauma in that kid.

Redemption by me --> http://www.gayauthors.org/story/jamessavik/redemption-js Sneak peek @ http://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/39752-redemption/

This song plays a key role in my upcoming story. My victim... err, protagonist has suffered a trauma and breaks down whenever he hears it.

Redemption God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know better. That’s my version of the serenity prayer. You see— I know what can be changed, what can’t and all that groovy shit. My problem is that I can be a dumb ass sometimes. I figure there are a lot worse things to pray for than knowing better, and that skill can save you a lot of grief. They say I have impulse control problems. Li

Addiction is easy. Recovery is a lot more complicated.

The crisis passed. I wrote my blog entry. I didn't find a bottle or a handful of pills. Life on lifes terms: That's the rules. We only fuck ourselves if we break it. Exhausted I went to sleep and it was over. I gave you a glimpse at some of the snakes in my head and I'm sorry. Nobody should have that in their head. I should delete this abomination and not inflict it on anyone else but it has always been here and so have I. Yeah- I know. I'm post-traumatic. I saw someone for it for three year and I got a lot better than I used to be but just when you think they're gone they pop up again and give you a stab. Here- this helps: [media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gggaP8zF5DA[/media

It's 4:30am again and I haven't slept. I've got to be up in 3 hours and I'm screwed. There's danger in writing about old times. Sometimes you wake up old demons that you wished you had left alone. I'm going to warn you that if you go past the spoiler you're going to read something shitty. It's one of my nightmares that comes back from time to time to torment me. I try to keep it in a little box and never take it out but sometimes it escapes and it haunts me to this very day. I don't know what to do with this. It's something that comes up and messes with me from time to time. If there's a hell- for me that was it.

I'm a softy. I would have bought them a cone if they weren't being jerks.

Here's another one Anybody that has had to deal with addiction knows how deep the rot goes. You surround yourself with other addicts and you have to completely remove yourself from it to have any chance at cleaning up. It's possible to do but you will always hurt for the ones that are consumed and can't escape.

This topic sat here and made me mad. Now I'm gonna kick its ass. There's a real good reason why you don't want to date someone who is in the closet: they will never commit to you. If there is something so big in their life that it makes them deny themselves, where exactly do you think that you will fit in? To the gentleman in the closet, your relationship is a scandal or an embarrassment. I know I've been there and made this very same mistake. In Mississippi, the homophobia runs deep. It plays real games with peoples heads. I've been in a couple of relationships where the guy is ashamed after sex. Wanna talk about a real turd in your ego-punchbowl? The way these people think, you are a dirty little hobby. If you get noticed, you are disposable. Do you know what it feels like to be disposable? It's one of the crueler things that can happen to a person and surprise- our brothers in the closet living comfortable lies do it to us all the time. It's one of those blows that leave permanent marks. Like I said: I've been there and done that. I'm not disposable and I won't be anybodies dirty little secret. Please understand: I'm not judging YOU. I just want you to be clear on where you stand when you date inside the closet.

There's one for me. Pretty obvious it's about loss. Share your song. Let the pain out.

Are you willing to date someone that doesn't want to be seen with you in public? Are you willing to be someones dirty little secret? You know that's not going to work.

He's a nice looking kid with great smile and a ton of charisma. Big time careers have been built on much less.