Second Shot - 34. Chapter 34: Sins Of The Past Revisited

Remembering something he thought he saw after the game yesterday, Jason drove by the field-house before going to Peter's apartment.

Close to the building, the red motorcycle looked alone and vulnerable. 'Just like Peter,' he almost said aloud.

"What're we doing here?" Dean twisted, scanning the near empty parking lot.

He pointed toward the motorcycle. "Do you think we can fit that in the back of dad's SUV?"

"Is that his?" Dean's eyes went wide.

"Yeah, but I don't feel comfortable driving it." Jason could do it if he had to; Peter had given him enough lessons that he probably wouldn't crash it. The bigger issue was Coach Slewman. Get hurt from riding a motorcycle, expect to be released from the team. More than a few times he flouted that rule, but only when Peter was driving. Taking it from here was especially dangerous, giving how visible the parking lot was.

"I don't think it will fit." Dean looked at it from different angles. "Even if it does, how are we going to lift it into the back? Why do you even want to move it?"

"It has to be safer parked by my place where I can watch it and move it around," Jason answered. "Sitting in the same place all the time it screams, 'I'm not here,' don't you think?"

"Good point." Dean stared at the bike. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know right now, let me think about it." He looked at the bike one more time, and then drove across town to Peter's place.

Dean tried several times on the ride over to get his brother to tell him what he meant in the apartment. Jason had no intention of sharing the intimate details of his life with his younger brother. Hell, even if Dean were older, he wouldn't want to talk about it. The drive to Peter's building seemed to take forever under Dean's relentless questions. Finally Jason had enough of saying, 'no.'

"Dean, give it a rest. I would be way too embarrassed trying to tell you about my sex life. Just let it go." He glanced over at his brother. "Besides, do you really want to hear about two guys having sex?"

"Hell no, I just want to hear how you got busted."

Jason shook his head. "Is that what this was about? Suffice it to say Peter and I didn't hear the door and Darryl let Wendy and some of her sorority sisters in." Even thinking about it embarrassed him.

Dean laughed so hard, he had trouble breathing. "Didn't you know she was coming over?"

"Yeah, but we didn't know Darryl was home. We would never have done anything if we knew he was there. We figured we'd hear Wendy knock and have time to stop." He knew he was beet red.

Tears started roll down Dean's checks as he kept laughing. "What happened after that?"

"Wendy heard us before anyone else and made everyone leave before they knew what was going on." Jason still owed her big time for that.

"No one knew but Wendy and Darryl?" Dean asked.

"If anyone else heard it, no one said a word." Jason hoped no one but Wendy heard.

Pulling up to Peter's building, Dean stopped laughing. "Peter lives here?"

Jason nodded. In the bright sunlight, the building appeared more run down than usual. "He is on a partial scholarship, tuition, books, fees. Room and board were not included. This is the best he could afford."

"What about his dad?" Dean followed Jason toward the entrance.

Jason held the door for his brother. "I don't know a lot about his dad's finances, but I don't think Tom Gregory has enough money to help Peter pay for school, so he doesn't have to work. Besides, Pete won't ask him for money. He doesn't want his father to think the only reason he called him was to help pay for school."

Jason rarely noticed how dingy and run down the place was anymore, but standing in the hallway with Dean he saw every blemish in glaring detail. He could almost feel his brother looking down on the place the way he did when he was first here. Normally he didn't care this wasn't the nicest place; they were together and that's what mattered.

A sense of dread washed over him as he turned the key. There were only a handful of times he went inside without Peter, and then only with his permission. This felt wrong somehow, even though he knew what he was doing was right.

The small apartment was a snap shot of how it was when Peter left Wednesday night. The movies were still stacked in front of the DVD player; all four Indiana Jones Movies, they were going to watch one a night. Snacks sat on the small counter by the refrigerator. Peter even bought Jason Doritto's despite his ban on junk food. The futon was set in front of the TV with a blanket at the end.

Jason felt a lump form in his throat as he stood in the door, afraid to move inside.

"You okay?" Dean's voice caught him by surprise.

"No, Dean, I'm not." His tone was harsher than he meant it to be. "This was my fault, no matter how much everyone says it wasn't. All I had to do was say, 'no' to Mom and those stupid classes. But I didn't. Instead, I hurt him."

Tears started to run down his face again. "Look at what he did." He gestured around the room. "He expected a quiet romantic evening, and I dropped that fucking bomb on him!" He was practically shouting now.

"Yo, Jase, keep it down."

"He was trying to be so good, he rented the movies we wanted to see, bought junk food just for me, had the blanket ready for us." Jason felt angry, angry at himself for what he did. "Instead he got my stupid pussy-ass, telling him I couldn't stand up to my mommy."

Dean stopped trying to calm him, standing with a concerned look on his face.

"I was more worried about my car and money than what it would do to him." He felt a stupid, rueful smile creep across his face. "Can you image anything more pathetic than that? Can you?"

"Maybe we shouldn't have come here," Dean said softly.

"No!" he said emphatically. Even if Peter didn't want him anymore, Jason was not going to fail him this time. No one else was going to come and do this, it had to be him. "Someone needs to take care of things."

Turning to his brother, Jason realized he was scaring him. He took a step back, calmed his breathing. "Sorry, Dean."

"It's cool, Jason." Dean seemed to relax a bit. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Anyone can make a mistake."

Through his tears he said, "This was a bit more than a mistake Dean. My, 'mistake,' might cost him his life."

"No, it won't." Dean put his arm around his brother. "You said you thought it would all work out, remember?"

He dried his eyes. "You're right. I gotta think positive."

Time to pull it together, he thought. Water the plants, take back the movies, figure out what to do with Peter's bike. The rest can wait. "Let's get this over with."

He found the small pitcher he saw Peter use to water the plants. Filling it, he went to the few plants kept by the window.

"When was this taken?" Dean pointed to a picture on shelves with the TV. Peter had on his white robes, a gold medal in one hand and the other around Jason shoulder. "You both look happy."

"Competition at State College this fall," Jason told him. "Peter won his weight group for our school's division. Mister Lee took the photo. Boy, people were staring at us."

Jason laughed, holding his hand out for the picture. "Peter told me to smile wider in response to the stares. He didn't care."

"Neither should you," Dean told him. "You didn't seem to give a shit when that dude called you a fag yesterday. Instead you beat him on the pitch. Sounds like Peter is the same way."

Staring at the picture one last time, he set it back. "When did you become so smart?"

"Comes naturally to me." Dean punched his shoulder. He picked up a second picture. Jason was shirtless, his jersey in his left hand, mud in his hair, on his face, shorts, everywhere. Peter was dressed in a tee shirt and shorts. They had their arms over each other's shoulder.

Jason stood next to him. "We were so happy that day. Second game of the season, first home game. Scored the only goal that day. Wendy took that after the game. I told him not to touch me, I was so dirty. As you can see, he didn't care."

Dean gave him the picture and walked around some more. "Does he play?"

Jason looked up from the picture and saw his brother in front of Peter's portable electric piano. "Yeah, he's pretty good too. Been playing since he was five, I think."

"Whoa!" Dean exclaimed. "How fucking cool!"

Standing in front of Peter's swords, nunchucks and other martial arts weapons, Dean's widened. "Don't play with those, Dean." Jason set the picture back and moved toward his brother. "Peter uses those at competitions. He doesn't like it when people act like they are toys."

"I wasn't gonna play with them."

"Yes, you were." Jason laughed. "I know you better than that."

Dean laughed and stepped back. "Okay, you got me there."

Jason walked into the bedroom, their bedroom as Peter always called it. There were two more plants in here and one in the bathroom. He found the spare motorcycle keys on the dresser. He would see if anyone he knew could drive it, or if he could find a pick-up truck.

"Okay, Dean, I'm done." He returned the pitcher to the cabinet before taking a last look. The lump returned to his throat.

"It'll be okay, Jason," Dean said from behind. "Him, you guys, everything. Believe it."

"Okay, Dr. Phil."

"I'm not joking, Jase. You guys looked so happy, I can't believe one fight could end that. Keep believing. He's totally is into you."

"Jesus, this has been a weird week." He shook his head, staring at the floor.

"Because you're so worried."

Before they left, Jason noticed a picture of Peter and Mister Lee in front of the van they used to pick up and take little children home from martial arts class. "Hang tight."

"What?"

"Mister Lee has a van," he explained. "A van and a garage at this dojo."

"Pete's bike." Dean pointed toward Jason.

"Exactly." Jason searched a drawer where Peter kept his odds and ends. He was sure he saw a phone book in there. Sorting through stuff, he didn't see it. Checking the counter he saw the edge of the book poking out from under the phone book. "Bingo."

He got his phone out while he flipped through the pages. Once he found the number he quickly dialed. "Please answer," he whispered.

"Hello?" He recognized Mister. Lee's voice.

"Mister Lee, this is Jason Tellerman." He wondered if he was bothering the man. "I'm sorry to bother you on a Sunday."

"It is no bother, Jason. How may I help you?"

Jason explained the situation and how he was worried about Peter's bike.

"I can be there in fifteen minutes," Mister. Lee said. "It is good you thought of it, we all over-looked this in our concern for him."

"What do we do for fifteen minutes?" Dean asked.

"Can you wait here for him? I can take the movies back." Jason went to grab the DVDs.

"Fuck no, bro. You're not leaving me outside alone."

"C'mon Dean, this neighborhood isn't that bad." Jason knew his brother had a point.

"Says you."

"Okay, my bad. We can wait in here." What was he thinking? This was not the neighborhood to leave him alone outside. He should have thought it through, but he really wanted to get out of the apartment. Until he knew he and Peter were still good, he felt like he was intruding where he didn't belong.

"Is that the iPod player we bought last Christmas?" Dean pointed to the player and iPod next to the night stand in Peter's room.

"Yeah, that was my Christmas gift to Peter." Last Christmas seem so long ago, almost like it was someone else's life. "Pete was so mad at me for spending that much money. Said he couldn't afford to give me gifts like that."

"So?"

"He's conscious of his lack of money whenever I do stuff like that." Jason remembered their conversation as if it were yesterday. He also remembered how they 'made up' afterwards. "Peter uses it all the time, so in the end it was a good gift."

Staring at the player, he got an idea. "Hey, unplug it. We can take it and the iPod to the hospital. Maybe hearing his favorite music will help."

Dean shrugged. "Can't hurt."

**

They drove with Mister Lee to get Peter's bike. Once it was safely in the garage, Jason gave the older man the spare keys. Better to keep the keys with the bike, he explained, leaving unsaid his fear Peter might not want to speak to him again.

Dean insisted on going to the hospital with him no matter how many times Jason offered to take him back to the apartment. It was almost noon when they made it to the hospital. Peter's parents and Betsy were there; Erin was at work. Unlike Amanda, Erin did not have much vacation time accrued. Weekends were especially busy at the restaurant and they couldn't find a replacement.

Jason remembered to bring the ball with him, hoping Mrs. Gregory would be there. When he saw Betsy, he realized it might be awkward giving Amanda the ball in front of Pete's step mom. Rather than have that happen, he told them the ball was for Peter and gave it to his mom to hold. Later he could correct things if they needed.

"Tom and Betsy said you played quite the game." Amanda accepted the ball for her son. "And he mentioned the little incident on the field."

"No big deal," he told her. "Coaches and referees took care of it."

She grabbed his hand. "Don't let it get to you, use it as motivation to be better than those who say such things. Just like you did yesterday."

"Yes, ma'am." He gave her a smile. "Dean and I stopped by Pete's apartment. Watered his plants, took back some DVD's he rented. I found his bike . . . it was by the field house."

He closed his eyes tight, willing himself to stay in control. "I asked Mister Lee to put it in the garage at the dojo. Figured sitting alone all this time, it might invite someone to steal it.

"That was smart thinking." Amanda seemed sincere.

"How did you get in?" Tom asked.

"I have a key, sir." Jason felt himself flush a bit. He wasn't sure if Tom disapproved of his having a key to Peter's place or if he was just curious. Hoping to change the subject he pulled out Peter's iPod and a player.

"I heard familiar things help a person wake up." Searching for a plug, he avoided looking at Mr. Gregory. Once the iPod was in the docket, he searched for a playlist he and Peter created a few weeks ago. Setting it to random, he started the music, making sure it wasn't too loud.

"We created this play list of his and my favorite songs and put it on both our iPods." He knew he was babbling to break the awkward moment. "Maybe he'll recognize this."

"You're just full of good ideas today, aren't you," Betsy remarked.

"Not sure about that, it started as I was just going to water his plants and check on his place," Jason told her. "When I saw the bike, it struck me we shouldn't leave it there. The iPod was just a whim."

"Whatever made you do it, it was good you did." Amanda agreeing with Betsy was not lost on Jason.

"What do you two have planned for the rest of the day?" Tom asked. Jason wasn't sure if this was his way of trying to get rid of them, or if he was just making conversation.

"Dean has to get back by dinner, so we're going hang out here for a bit, then meet Darryl and some of the other guys on the team for lunch. After that, I figured I would come back."

"Good." Tom nodded. "Would you mind if we three went to get something to eat? We thought we would go have lunch with Erin at her restaurant.

"Sure, we can stay here," he agreed. "We'll leave when you're get back. I told Darryl we would meet him around two-ish, so there is no rush."

"Then we should go now, so we don't hold them up." Amanda grabbed her coat and gave him a hug. "We'll call if we're running late."

"Don't worry Mrs. G, we'll be fine." Jason hoped his brother wasn't too mad at him for agreeing to stay here for two hours.

When the three left, Jason picked up the ball, tossing it to his brother. "You okay with staying here till they get back? I know I should've asked first."

"It's fine." Jason could tell he was lying. "Not like we had anywhere else to go right now."

"We could go to the library and study," he joked. "Oh snap, you forgot your books."

Dean tossed the ball back. "Haha, next you're gonna suggest we call Mom and tell her how much I had to drink."

Jason held onto the ball as he looked at Peter. "He looks better, don't you think?"

Wishful thinking? No, he really did look better, Jason decided.

Dean moved closer. "Yeah, he isn't as pale as yesterday."

Flipping the ball over to his brother, Jason grabbed Peter's good hand. Pushing the chair closer, he rested his head closer to Peter's. "I wish you would wake up, Pete, I really miss you."

Not that he expected Peter to wake up, but he was still disappointed when there was no reaction. All he could do was be there and hope Peter found his way back.

When he looked up, he saw Dean turning the ball over in his hand, his eyes not focused on anything.

"You okay, little bro?"

"Yeah, fine." Dean kept his eyes on the ball. "Just thinking about something."

"Anything I can help with?" Jason moved back and held up his hands.

Dean lobbed the ball over. "You've enough going on, I don't want to bother you."

"Whoa." Jason put the ball down. "After how much you let me cry on your shoulder, you think you're bothering me?"

"It's not that, Jase." Dean seemed to struggle with what to say. "You don't need my problems, that's all."

Jason sighed. "If you don't tell me, it's going to bother me worse now that I know something is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong, not really." Dean finally looked up. "I was hoping you could help me decide what to do next year."

"Go to college, see that was easy," Jason joked. When his brother didn't laugh, he knew this was really an issue. "Okay, what's really going on?"

"I don't know what to do." Dean scrunched his face. "Mom and Dad, mostly Mom, want me to go here. They think a smaller school would be better for me than a big Division 1A school."

His mother wanted Dean to come to Graydon? Where his gay brother went to school? She must really have thought she could change me. Remembering this wasn't about him, he focused on his brother's concern.

"Forget what they think, what do you want?"

"I don't know. Part of me wants to come here, to play with you again." Dean looked up hopefully.

Jason never had this problem, Division 1A schools didn't recruit him like they were his brother. "But you know going to a 1A school gives you more exposure."

"Right. Maybe this is being too egotistical, but I might have a chance to make the MLS if I work hard enough." Jason heard the passion in his brother's.

"Okay, couple thoughts if you want to hear them." When Dean nodded he continued, "First, let me start by saying I would like nothing better than to play with you my senior year. Would be really cool. I want that to be clear, so you don't take anything I say as not wanting you here."

"Okay." Dean seemed cautiously happy.

"I have two thoughts on where you should go. Big school means you're going to get less playing time at first and won't stand out as much. On the other hand, you'll play against better players, players who might end up in the MLS. Except for the odd exception, you won't play against that caliber here.

"If you came here, you would probably start as a freshman and people would take notice. Scouts might not consider you as good, however, because the level of competition will be less, so it is easier to stand out if you are a big fish in a little pond."

Dean nodded slowly when Jason was finished. "What you say makes sense, but you aren't helping me pick."

"That's because I can't pick for you." Jason didn't want to tell Dean what to do, just give him some guidance. "There are so many things that go into picking a school. For you there are even more. You have a shot at making the MLS, I never did. So for me, it wasn't about where I'd get the best shot at going pro. When Darryl and I both got accepted here and offered partial soccer scholarships, that made it easy to decide."

Shrugging, Dean said, "Dad says I should go where I think I will enjoy school the most and not worry about going pro. He thinks the odds are against making it to the MLS, and if I don't make it, I'll regret going to a big school in the end."

"Dad's advice makes sense, but it's your dream, not his." Jason didn't want him to give up his dream if he really wanted to try to be a pro. "Like I said before, you have a lot to consider. What if you don't make the MLS, what then? If you go to a 1A school will you get the education to do something you'll enjoy or will you be a communications major like the pin heads on the football teams? What happens if you get there and hate it, what then? Will you like going to school there or was it just to play soccer? Not to push you one way or the other, but the big schools are filled with players who were superstars in high school and bench warmers in college. I'm not saying that will be you, but what if?"

"There was a scout in the stands yesterday, you know." Dean changed topics.

"Really?" Jason wasn't sure his brother was joking.

"Yeah, I spoke to him this season after one of our games. He's a scout for the U.S. National team. I think he was here to scout someone from the other team, but I'm not sure." Dean stared at his brother. "He recognized me and we spoke for a few minutes."

Jason felt a wave of excitement. He knew he had a good game, did the scout say anything about him?

"Did you ask him about what was best?" Jason avoided his real question.

Dean cocked his head and smiled. "No, but that would've been a good idea. We talked about you, actually."

"Me? Thought you said he was scouting someone on the other team."

"Yeah, well, evidently dude didn't impress." Dean laughed. "Guy said he remembered you from High School. He said you really learned a lot here. He thinks Coach Slewman is a good coach, I think."

"Interesting." Jason reign in his excitement. Didn't matter what the scout thinks, no out gay player was making the U.S. Squad or going to the MLS.

"I thought you would be excited." Dean face showed his disappointment.

"I am, to a point." Jason knew his brother was trying to cheer him up. "Honestly, Dean, one game doesn't get me to try outs. And let's face it, they don't want some out gay player anywhere near the U.S. Team or MLS."

"You don't know that."

"No, you're right, I don't, but if I'm on the cusp, my being gay will work against me. It's just how it is, no sense ignoring reality." Jason didn't mean to discourage his brother, but he also didn't want to get his hopes up unrealistically.

"Things are changing, Jason. It could happen."

Jason shook his head. "If I were the second coming of David Beckham or Landon Donovan, yeah they would make an exception, but at best I would be invited as fodder for the A team to practice against. But let's get back to you.

"What's your ultimate goal, what are you willing to sacrifice for it and what's your fall back plan if you don't make it? Those are three things you need to ask yourself before you make a decision. If making the MLS is your goal, you need to figure out what is the best course to get you there and then decide if the cost is worth it."

"What do you mean is the cost worth it?"

Right now, right here, Jason didn't know if this was the time to be talking about this. What if he screwed up and gave Dean bad advice. Sitting this close to Peter, he could only give Dean half his attention. Sucking in a lungful of air, he tried to focus on Dean.

"You need to figure out what they expect of you if you go to a big time program. Does it take up your summers, does it interfere with your academics, will it curb your social life, those kinds of things. Or, does going to a place like Graydon cost you exposure, does it affect your growth as a player, competing against lesser players?

"Go to a Division 1A school and you need to play your way into the starting lineup. Come here, and you will start unless you play your way off. Does that make sense?"

Dean nodded. "Yes. It's mine to lose here, but if I go to a school like Penn State, I'm just one of many competing to start."

"Pretty much," Jason said. "There's no way to know what will happen whatever you choose. Which brings us to the third thing I said: what if you don't make it, what's your fall back plan? Suppose you never make it onto the starting lineup at Big Time University, would you be happy there? Could you get the education you want? Would you be happy not playing much? Same question if you came here. Would you be content to play all the time, but know it might be hurting your chances of going pro? If you have a great career here, but don't make it to the big show, would you regret not giving the bigger school a chance?"

Dean shook his head. "This makes my head spin."

"I'm sure it does." Jason laughed. "That is why Dad's advice is so right. Go where you will enjoy college the most, because that is about the only thing you can control."

"So I should come here and play with you." His face brightened.

"I'll only be here for one year." He pointed out. "After that it's no different than going somewhere else. Sure it would be super cool to play one year together, but it would still be just one year out of four."

"Yeah, but that would be one super cool year guaranteed." Dean flashed Jason a cheesy grin before turning serious. "I don't know what I'll do. When I was at the U-19 tryouts, I was frustrated. Everyone there was so good, and I was always a step slower than I needed to be. If that is what I'll face in division 1A maybe it's not realistic to think I'll make the pros."

"Or maybe it means you were just seventeen at the time and others developed a bit faster than you. For all you know, you gained a step on everyone, and they will be frustrated by you." Jason wanted to sound positive for his brother.

"Or maybe I didn't, and they're even better than me."

"Anything is possible, that's why I keep coming back to: figure out what you really want. If it's to play pro soccer, make that the biggest factor in your decision. Grill any coach that wants you about your ability to get playing time, depth at your position, that kind of stuff. Check on what coaches are the best teachers, who sends more of their players to the pros, who has a rep for turning out good players who also excel at academics.

"If your goal is to go to college, enjoy your time, play soccer and figure out your future and if you make the pros great, but if not, you're not upset. Then figure out what will get you there."

"You won't be mad if I followed you here?"

"Mad?" Jason was surprised by the question. How could Dean think he didn't want him around? He never made Dean feel unwelcome, did he? "What would I be mad about?"

"I don't know, maybe having your kid brother tag along all the way to college." Dean tried to make it a joke, but Jason knew his brother was serious.

"Dean, seriously, if you came to Graydon it would rock. Tellerman and Tellerman would dominate both ends of the pitch just like before." He laughed hoping Dean would understand he would be happy if he were here. "I can't be any clearer, I would not, no way, no how, no ifs ands or buts, be upset if you came here. I would be happy, very happy."

He regretted that last part. The last thing he wanted to do was influence his brother's decision to come to Graydon.

"Cool." Dean's mood brightened.

His brother's mood seemed almost relieved, as if he already made a decision, but was worried about what he would think, "Did you accept here or something?"

Dean shook his head. "No, I really haven't made a decision yet, but I was worried if I didn't want to go to a big program you wouldn't want me here."

"One less thing to worry about then, right?" He punctuated his words with a hard nod.