Electric Blue and Catnip - 11. Chapter 11

Alexi sat swiveling his chair in the control room, his head thrown back as he listened to the music he and George had laid down an hour ago. He closed his eyes as the violin grated against his nerves, a coarse sound, deviating from the beauty he imagined in his head. He winced when the piano clashed with the violin. He sat up and stopped the music, his gaze finding Andy who stood leaning on the window to the live room.

“I hate it.” Alexi sighed. “That is another day wasted. I can’t seem to get the ending right.”

“You’re stressing, Alexi. I think you need a break.” Andy pushed off the windows and came to sit next to him. He picked up the music notes Alexi had used earlier. “It’s an off day, it happens.”

“Orchestration has started but the ending of the score sounds awful.” Alexi ran trembling fingers through his hair and stood up. “I can’t get it right.”

Andy glanced at his watch. “It’s almost eight o’clock at night. Why don’t you go home, get some rest, and we’ll start anew tomorrow morning.”

Alexi paced the room trying to configure the notes at the end of the score. It was such a small dissonance he should be able to fix it. Why couldn’t he find the right note to fit in? It was a simple note, one silly stupid note, he frowned.

“Alexi!” Andy’s voice penetrated his thoughts and he turned his head: a frown on his forehead at the interruption. “It’s time to go home.”

“Not yet,” he said not ready to give up the thought process starting in his head. He stole a glance at the clock overhead. It was only eight o’clock. “Go on home, Andy. I’ll be fine here, Lily will be by shortly.”

“Are you sure?” Andy’s brow creased with worry. “I can stay if you want.”

“Please, go ahead. I need time to think clearly.” Alexi could see Andy’s need to leave. He forced a smile of reassurance that prompted Andy to grab his jacket from the couch.

“Fine, but call me if you run into trouble.” Andy advised as he headed for the door. “I’ll call Lily and tell her you’re here alone.”

Alexi waved him off and continued his pacing. Notes filled his head, the music clear and flowing in his head. He picked up a pen and cancelled the notes he’d written in the morning for George. He wrote in the new ones now, but when he tried to fit the entire bar, the music still clashed. He dropped his pen and stared at the music sheets on the desk. What if he couldn’t do it?

The thought filled his head and he clung to the table as panic reared its head with a vengeance. He sank into the chair he’d been seating on and tried to take a deep breath. This was so silly. Why couldn’t he control this absurd tight feeling in his chest? He took in a deep breath. He let it out slowly, eyes closed. He could do this, he reminded his head. He would finish this score and get back to his life in Japan. A tough, involved tour was just what he needed.

The door swung open and he jerked up to his feet in a panic. His chest tightened and he gasped as the world tilted. He held on to the control console and tried to breathe as Joshua had shown him. His heart was beating like it wanted to jump out of his chest. He gasped for air as Lily hurried to his side, and pushed him into the chair.

“Jeez, Alexi, I’m getting worried about this.” Lily rubbed his back gently as he tried to get a grip. “It’s getting worse; you can’t even leave the penthouse for a walk. We need to see a doctor.”

“It’s fine.” He breathed slowly, his eyes closed as he tried to get a hold of the absurd feeling. “It’s just a panic attack. I don’t want to go through what I did in Osaka, Lily. Please, it will go away.”

“That’s what you told me right before that concert and then you couldn’t step on that stage. We’re back to this again.” Lily sighed and turned to the table to gather the music sheets he’d been working on. “Let’s go home. You need to rest. I’m making sure tomorrow you don’t come to work.”

“Come on, Lily.” Alexi protested as she shoved the sheets into a folder and rounded on him. Her dark eyes were flashing with concern. He sighed. “Fine, I’ll sleep in. I’ll even go for a walk to the park so that you see I’m fine.”

“I’d settle for you returning to your usual rituals. It’s nice out now, go out for a run like you used to. You’re getting pale in the summer, Alexi. People will start thinking you have a terminal disease.”

“Give it a rest already.” Alexi stood up and shook his head. He was still a little dizzy but he’d be darned if Lily saw him swaying. He didn’t want to imagine a trip to the doctor. Lily gave him a critical glance before she held out her left hand to him.

“Come on then, don’t pass out on the way to the car. I can’t carry you.” Lily led the way out of the studio. “Why don’t you call Joshua?” she asked as they headed to the elevator. “Go out, have some fun, I thought you told me you liked him.”

“Don’t you think the situation is complicated enough?” Alexi punched the elevator button and stood scowling at the numbers. He hated feeling like an invalid. He’d hate it if Joshua was also forced to dealing with him. His panic attacks were increasing, and they caught him at unexpected moments. He’d hate for Joshua to see him like that again. “My phone is ringing off the hook. Adrian won’t stop calling. Will you have the number changed?”

“First thing tomorrow morning,” Lily promised. She’d hired a car service to take him back and forth from the penthouse to work since his panic attacks made an appearance. He couldn’t risk having one in a public place and having to rely on strangers to help him. He figured Lily had the same thought. She waited for him to settle in the back passenger seat before she continued quietly as the driver took off. “We need to find a solution soon. The summer program is starting next week. We can’t have you panicking in front of a bunch of coeds.”

He’d almost forgotten about the program. He sighed and leaned his head back on the headrest. He might have to get medicated to deal with the anxiety of facing those students. He could just imagine teaching in a class and doubling over because he couldn’t breathe. He shuddered at the image.

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It was officially summertime. Joshua swam his tenth lap in the university indoor swimming pool at the natatorium and came up for air in the shallow end. He leaned against the wall barely out of breath. He loved swimming in the summer. The water was cool against his skin as it rolled down in droplets. He glanced up in time to see two young ladies walk by giving him appreciative glances. He grinned.

It was a pity. The only eyes he wanted giving him that look had disappeared three weeks ago. Alexi wasn’t picking his calls and he was never home. He’d tried to visit three times. Each time, the doorman had told him that Mr. Kotaru wasn’t in. He’d called Lily but she was always too busy to talk. He didn’t know what to do. He sank deeper into the water, his legs folded under him. He thought about doing a few more laps before he called it quits and headed home.

“I was told I’d find you here.” A cheerful feminine voice said above him. He glanced up to find Lily standing a few feet away. She looked good in emerald green. Her short skirt and sleeveless top matched the summer weather. Her feet were in matching flat sandals. Big dark glasses rested on her delicate nose, her short pixie hair wind blown. She grinned at him and he smiled.

“Hey, superstar,” he greeted. “Are you auditioning for a movie?”

“If the co-stars are two gay men,” she replied. “Are you one of them?”

Joshua laughed and got out of the pool. His trunks clung to his legs as water dripped down. He used his right hand to sweep hair back away from his eyes.

“I was just thinking about you.” He smiled at her. “I’ve been calling your phone.”

“That’s why I came.” Lily gave him a once over and sighed. “Go ahead and change, I’ll buy you a tall cold one.”

She winked at him and he laughed at her joke. He flicked water at her with his free hand and she jumped away with a short laugh.

“I’ll be right back.” He hurried off to change. In the men’s changing room, he rinsed off quickly and dried negligently. He couldn’t help the excitement at the fact that Lily was looking for him. He dressed fast in Khaki shorts and a white t-shirt. He jammed his feet into his sandals and packed up his gear. He found Lily waiting for him at the steps outside the athletics center. She sat eating a Popsicle.

He slowed down and went to sit beside her. She held out one for him. He stared at it for a moment before he asked her.

“How’s Alexi?” He tried to sound casual about it as he took the Popsicle, but he doubted he managed.

“He’s fair.” She turned to look at him. “Actually, I came to talk to you about him. I want you to go see him.”

Joshua removed the wrapping on his Popsicle and took a small bite of the green ice cold stick and let it melt in his mouth. “He won’t answer my calls.”

Lily sighed. “I’m sorry about that. I had to change his phone number because we’ve been having some issues. I should have sent you his new one.”

“Are those issues the reason why he was so cold to me?” Joshua asked meeting her troubled gaze. “Something obviously happened; can you tell me about it?”

Lily looked at him for a moment, her dark glasses covering any expression. She looked away with another sigh. “I wish I could tell you. All I can say is that he’s struggling with his music, and just generally. I know he’s been cryptic and he’s not answering his calls, but please even if it’s a few minutes. Pass by the penthouse.”

“I’ve come by a couple of times.” Joshua confessed taking another bite of his Popsicle. “The doorman send me away saying Alexi wasn’t at home.”

“I’ll talk to the doorman.” She reached for her handbag and rummaged in it for a moment before she pulled out a red swipe card. “Here, this is a security card for the elevator. You should be able to get up there with no trouble.”

Joshua took the card she was holding out and frowned. “You’re really worried.” He observed as she finished her Popsicle.

Lily stood up and smiled down at him. “I’m always worried when it comes to Alexi. It’s my job He’s at home for the next three days. Promise you’ll come, Joshua. He really needs you.”

Joshua stared at the card she’d given him and gave a small nod. He did want to see Alexi. He glanced up to find Lily walking down the steps hurrying to her next appointment. He wondered if she ever lived just for herself.

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He couldn’t move. He’d spent the past fifteen minutes staring at the elevator doors thinking about going out to the park. He still hadn’t moved. He was now seated on a bench by the front closet staring at his sneakers. He sighed and leaned down to tie the laces. It was a step forward. Tie the laces; make sure his pants weren’t sweeping the ground. Stand up, get to the elevator and go down stairs. Simple tasks, one step at a time, he had to get past this ridiculous need to hide.

He was at the elevator when it opened. Alexi took a step back, looking around, and ready to run. He fought the urge fiercely holding his ground. He couldn’t believe what he was becoming. He wasn’t this person. He couldn’t be this coward.

“Alexi.” Joshua’s voice filled the room and he gasped as he finally realized someone had been in the elevator. “Are you alright?”

He drank in the sight of the taller man. Electric blue eyes filled with concern, a frown creasing that handsome forehead. Why was he here? Alexi blinked as Joshua moved closer to place a hand on his shoulder.

“You look pale.” Joshua caressed his jaw before he looked around the house. “Are you home alone?”

He frowned. “Why shouldn’t I be home alone? I’m not a child you know.”

“I didn’t say you were.” Joshua turned his frown on him. “You’re so irritable; I’m not your enemy Alexi. I’m just worried about you. Lily told me you weren’t feeling well.”

“I’m fine.” Alexi tried to take a step back away from Joshua. He didn’t like the way his heart was racing in excitement. Any faster and he was going to be admitted into a hospital. He rubbed a hand against his chest and scowled at the handsome man. “Joshua, what are you doing here?”

“Looking for you,” Joshua replied calmly. “You look like you were headed out. I’ll come with you.”

“I’ve changed my mind.” Alexi declared and started to turn around.

“Nonsense,” Joshua said as he stopped him with an arm over his shoulder. He turned him toward the elevator. “It’s very sunny today. Don’t you want to get Popsicles?”

“We can order them in. There is a grocery that delivers.” Alexi started to protest.

“Nope, you have to get them from a street vendor. Those taste the best. Come on, we’re going for a walk. You need some sun. You’re way too pale.” Joshua hurried him into the elevator and they were suddenly in the lobby. He paused at the doors when a group of five people walked in talking excitedly. Joshua grinned as they greeted them. He tried to hang back, but Joshua grabbed his hand and laced their fingers tightly.

He sent Joshua a pleading glance, hoping that the older man would understand that he couldn’t do this. Not right now. Joshua squeezed his hand gently and pulled him toward the bright afternoon outside.

Alexi took in a deep breath fighting the panic as they stepped out on to the street. Joshua smiled at him warmly and started leading the way toward the park.

“I’m right here, Alexi,” Joshua assured him as they crossed a street. “I won’t leave you.”

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Hi, everyone, chapter 11 is here. I'm excited to write for Joshua and Alexi for a while. I've been hard at work on ch. 12 right now it will come up soon. My editor R is awesome. I felt I should mention that because he gives me great ideas that make this story what it is.
As always, your thoughts are important to me, tell me, are you as excited to have Joshua and Alexi back?