Recovery - 5. Chapter 5

It had been a long, long day. Alex hadn’t had much sleep the night before and he was just about dropping with exhaustion by nine o’clock in the evening. Everyone had been in to see Kei, but Alex hadn’t been anywhere. He’d left when he absolutely had to, to go to the toilet. Otherwise, he didn’t move from the chair next to the bed. Every time Kei moved, or sighed, or murmured, he was on his feet and stroking him… his face, his hand, his shoulder. His touch soothed Kei every time.

Sometimes, Kei half woke up and was able to speak with Alex, or whoever was there, briefly. He was very confused, but had the facts pretty much straight in his head. He seemed surprised to see all his family.

For the first time since he’d first met them Alex almost saw Bonnie and Frank’s executive façade crumble. For the first time, when they stood at the side of the bed and looked down at their son, they looked like parents.

“Maybe we should have spent more time…. Maybe we should spend time with him now.”

“Maybe. It’s not as if anyone knows us here.”

“Don’t you dare?” Alex spat. “If you’re too ashamed to acknowledge him at home then don’t you dare come here and pretend to be good parents. How do you think Kei would feel about that? If you started being nice to him, then went back to the bastards you were before every time he went home? How do you think he’d feel to know you’re ashamed of having anything to do with him in front of anyone you actually know?”

Bonnie glanced at the nurse, who was by then an older, rather severe looking matronly woman. “It’s not like that,” she said - to the nurse, not Alex.

“It’s exactly like that. You think having a gay son is bad for your image so you either pretend you don’t have a son at all or that he isn’t gay. You won’t let anyone meet him in case they work it out. Call yourself parents? What the hell are you even doing here?”

“How dare you! How dare you speak to us like that. We’re Kei’s parents whether you like it or not and it doesn’t matter what piece of paper he signed, we’ll always be his parents and you’ll be nothing. You are nothing.”

“Really? If that’s what you think I feel sorry for you. No… I feel sorry for him.” He looked down at Kei and squeezed his hand. Kei stirred and muttered, “Alex?”

“I’m here. I’m always here.”

Kei smiled and fell asleep again.

“I notice he didn’t ask for you.”

“You son of a bitch. Who the hell do you think you are? You’re no one. You’re evil. You took a nice boy and turned him into… into….”

“Into what?” Alex rubbed his temple, trying hard to keep his temper. It wouldn’t be a good idea to get into a shouting match, not here. “Into a beautiful, bright, amazing human being. Into someone who lights up the room when he walks into it…not just for me but everyone who knows him. Someone who’s ace-ing every class, who’s about to sign a contract with a major publisher, who…who…. Oh, what’s the point? It’s not going to make a difference.” He fell into the chair and sighed.

“I think it might be a good idea if you took a break,” the nurse said to Mr and Mrs Prince. “You’re making Kei restless.”

“We are?” Bonnie said, outraged. “We’re his parents. It’s this…boy who’s causing the tension.”

“Alex hasn’t been far from Kei’s side all day. Whenever Kei wakes it’s Alex he asks for. Alex calms him with a word if he gets restless. What have you done?”

“This is… this is outrageous. We’ll make a complaint.”

“Why don’t you do that. My name’s Angela Burnett. Make sure you mention how I threw you out.”

“You didn’t throw us out.”

“Not yet.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“There’s only one person in this room I particularly care about, and that’s Kei, because he’s my patient. It’s my job to make sure he’s surrounded by people who make him feel calm and safe. And that ain’t you.”

“But…”

“I think there are complaint slips on the counter just outside.”

“Do you realise who you’re messing with? We’re both lawyers.”

“Then you’ll realise that if I let you upset my patient and something goes wrong the hospital might be found liable. I’m not prepared to take that risk. Now, I won’t ask you again. Please leave.”

“You don’t know who you’re messing with.”

“I’m sure I don’t, and I can’t say I care. As I’ve been telling you….”

“Mam?” All attention was suddenly on Kei. He stared at his parents as if he couldn’t believe they were there. “Mam?” he whispered in an unbelieving voice. “You came.”

“Of course I came, darling,” she said, taking his hand and sending Angela a triumphant stare.

“You came…for me?”

“You’re my baby. I’d go anywhere for you.”

Alex was surprised that she sounded totally genuine for once.

“Alright son?”

Kei blinked and his lips moved. He just couldn’t make the words come. Alex understood. As much as Kei understood his parents and what they were, there was a part of him that longed for them to be different, for them to really love and care for him. He was hoping right now. Hoping so bad.

“Dad,” he croaked at last. “Dad?” There were tears in his eyes and it hurt Alex like crazy to see it. That hope. That wonder. He hated the fact that sooner or later it would be crushed.

“How are you doing, son? You had us all scared for a while.”

“I did? You were?”

“Of course we were. You’re our son.”

Kei’s eyes flicked between his mother and father with a look of such wonder it almost broke Alex’s heart.

“You…? I….” He frowned and blinked. “You came?”

“Of course we did. We just covered that, darling. You’re our son, and we love you.”

“Love me?” Now he looked confused. Couldn’t they see? Couldn’t they see what they were doing to him, what they’d been doing to him for years. It must hurt them, surely, to see their child so confused by the thought they might love him.

“Of course we love you. How many times do I need to tell you? I’ve never said I don’t love you. Just because we don’t like your choices doesn’t mean we don’t love you.”

“Choices?” He blinked, trying to stop himself drifting, and frowned deeply again. “I…. Choices?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Alex cut in. “They’re here. That’s what’s important, isn’t it?”

Kei’s eyes drifted to his face. The frown disappeared and he lit up. “Alex,” he said, then let himself go and drifted off to sleep.

“How can you live with yourselves?” Alex said, curling his lip.

“We can live with ourselves fine. You’re the one who stole him away from his family. Everything was fine until you came along.”

“You mean, Kei was being a good boy and fitting the mould you carved out for him. You didn’t care how unhappy he was.”

“He was never unhappy, not until you came.”

“He didn’t know what happy was. You’d done such a good job brainwashing him it almost killed him to admit what he wanted, even to himself.”

“And what was that? What is it you think our son wanted? That we couldn’t give him?”

“Love. He wanted love. He was desperate for it, like a plant that’s withered because no one’s been watering it.”

“Oh and you taught him. You taught him alright. Talk about brainwashing. He was perfectly fine until you came along and…and… perverted him.”

“I didn’t pervert him. I didn’t ‘turn him gay’. He fell in love with me and I fell in love with him. Any other parents would be glad their son is so happy and so loved. I’d do anything for him.”

“Then leave him alone. Let us take him home and care for him and get him back to normal again.”

“Normal? What the hell is normal? Your son is gay. He’s beautiful and bright and funny and brilliant…and gay. You can’t change that. Even if I did go away, which I never will, you couldn’t change what he is.”

“There are places….”

“Oh no. No, no, no. There’s no way you’d ever put in him in a place like that. He is what he is, what makes him happy. Why can’t you just leave him alone? Let him be happy. Accept him for what he is.”

“We have always accepted him for what he is, but we will never accept what he does. It’s disgusting, unnatural. We won’t….”

“If you don’t mind,” Angela broke in, “you can continue this conversation outside. It is not something that should be discussed in front of Kei.”

“He doesn’t know what we’re discussing,”

“Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t, but it’s my job to make sure he gets what he needs, and it isn’t this. Now, if I have to ask you to leave again, I will call security.”

“I will not be told—.”

“It’s alright, Bonnie. We’re fighting a losing battle here, and she’s right. This isn’t what Kei needs. We’ll come back when he’s up to talking. Maybe we can talk some sense into his head then.”

“Whatever you think, Frank. One thing’s for certain. I’m not leaving this hospital unless Kei leaves with me. One way or another I’m going to get him away from you and your evil influence,” she spat at Alex, then turned on her heel and stormed out.

For a while there was silence. Then Angela said in a conversational tone, “I’ve heard of in-laws from hell but never actually met anyone who’d just got off the train.”

Alex looked up. “They run the train. Problem is, it only goes one way.”

“People like that always do hun. For them there is only one way—their way. We see a lot of them. Don’t try to change them. Save your energy. They won’t listen because they don’t want to.”

“Yeah, I get that. To be honest, I don’t really care. I couldn’t care less if I never saw them again, but…. But….”

“But Kei does.”

“Yes, he does.”

“They’re his parents. People can be strange when it comes to their parents. They put with all kinds of shit.”

Alex had to smile at that. “I guess I’m just lucky. I have fabulous parents.”

“Not everyone is so blessed, so make sure you treasure them.”

“I do. Trust me, I do. I just wish Kei’s could at least try to understand.”

“Oh, they understand. For sure they understand. They just don’t want to accept. There are a lot of people like that, a lot of people who are more interested in appearances than love. They’re not happy people, Alex.”

“Frankly, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re the most miserable people in the world, I just don’t want them to make Kei miserable. I don’t want anything to make Kei miserable.”

“For what it’s worth, despite having two complete bastards as parents, I think Kei’s a very lucky boy. He has plenty of love in his life.”

“Oh, he does. You can be absolutely sure of that. He does.”

And now it was nine o’clock and another day was heading down the slippery slope towards night. Another night with little prospect of sleep. Alex sighed deeply.

“Everything alright, darling?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

“Why don’t you go home for a few hours? Get some sleep?”

“Not a chance. I promised Kei I’d be here the whole time. If he wakes and I’m not here he’ll be upset.”

“He’ll be even more upset if you make yourself ill.”

“I won’t do that.”

“Hmm. Well, if you’re going to stay at least make yourself comfortable.” She disappeared to return with an armful of pillows and blankets. “That chair kicks out,” she said, nodding to the chair he’d been sitting in. It’s not the most comfortable place to sleep but it’s better than sitting up all night.”

“Thank you.”

Tearful with thankfulness, Alex allowed Angela to make him a nest, which he sank into thankfully. “You should get something to eat, too. I haven’t seen you have much all day.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Maybe not but you need to keep up your strength. I’ve enough to do looking after Kei, I don’t want to have to nurse you too.”

“I told you, I’m fine.”

“You’ll be surprised by how fast, ‘I’m fine’ can turn into ‘I can’t go on’.”

“It won’t.”

“Alex?” Kei stirred and sighed, turning onto his back.

“I’m here. How are you doing?”

“Was my mam here?”

“Yes, your mam and dad. Maria’s here too.”

“But my mam…. My… mam was here?”

“Yes, Kei.”

“Is she…gone?” His eyes roved the room.

“Only to the waiting room. They’re all there. My mum and dad too, and Jess.”

Kei frowned. “Everyone?”

“And Paul’s been. Do you remember?”

“Everyone?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“For you, babe. Because you’re sick and we all want you to be better.”

“And my mam? My mam’s here?”

Alex bit his lip. “Yeah. Do you want to see her?”

Kei blinked and looked up into Alex’s face. Alex could see a struggle going on. Eventually, Kei shook his head. “No. I mean yes, but….”

“I know,” Alex said, squeezing his hand.

“Was she…?” Alex squirmed. He knew what Kei was asking. Problem was he found it very hard to lie, especially to Kei and if he got it wrong he’d raise expectations that would be crushed and… “Never mind. I know.”

“At least she’s here. She…they came to see you.”

“Yeah. They came. My dad came?”

“Yeah.”

“And my mam?”

“Both of them.”

“Here?”

Alex didn’t know what hurt more. The fact that Kei was so confused or the fact that he still loved the monsters who couldn’t care less about him.

“Do you want to see your mum, darling?” Angela stood up and smoothed the bedclothes. Kei looked at her and frowned.

“You’re not my mother.”

“Of course I’m not, but I know where she is. Do you want me to go get her for you?”

“My mother?”

“Yes. She’s just down the hall.”

“Yes. Please. My mam.” He turned dazzled eyes to Alex. “My mam came, Alex. My mam’s here.”

“Yeah, I know.” He squeezed Kei’s hand and smiled, biting his lip. He knew why Kei was so excited about seeing his mother, but it didn’t stop it hurting. “So, how are you feeling now?”

“Weird. Can I go home now?”

“Not just yet. Tomorrow maybe.”

“Okay.”

“Do you need anything?”

“I feel sick.”

“Shit. Do you think you’re going to actually be sick.”

“I don’t…yes.”

Panicked, Alex grabbed a cardboard bowl from the side of the bed and frantically scrabbled to find the buttons to make the bed rise. Kei grabbed at his hand, bringing the bowl closer. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes.

“You okay?” Alex rubbed Kei’s back and Kei slumped sideways, to snuggle against his chest.

“Ungh.”

“What’s that supposed to mean. Are you going to be sick?”

“Don’t know.”

“Okay. Are you alright there for a minute? If we just stay here for a little while, see how it goes?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay, well….” He shifted his position so Kei fitted better against his shoulder.

Kei rolled his head to look up at him. He smiled. “I’m glad you’re here, Alex.”

“I’m glad I’m here too. I promised I would be and I will be. I’m not going to let you go, not ever again.”

“Don’t let me go.”

“No, not ever.”

Kei smiled. For once he seemed fully present. “I love you, Alex. You know that? I didn’t mean…. I wouldn’t do anything….”

“I know,” Alex said firmly. I know you’d never do anything to hurt me, any of us. I know you tried hard, so hard and I’m sorry I was blind. I let myself get so wound up in bullshit I didn’t see how much you needed me. But I see it now. I see it and I’m not going anywhere, not even if you wanted me to.”

“No. I don’t want you to. I want you to be here.”

“Good.”

“Alex, I....” Before Alex could find out what he was going to say, the door opened and Bonnie hurried in.

“Kei? Kei, are you okay? The nurse says you asked for me. I’m here, baby.”

“Mam?” Kei’s eyes lit up, but went out of focus.

“I’m here, baby.” Bonnie glared at Alex, looking as if she wanted to rip Kei out of his arms. “Why don’t you get Alex to put you down so you can see me properly?”

“I…. What? I…like it. I…like…Alex.”

“I know, sweetheart, but you wanted to see me, didn’t you?”

“Oh. Yes.” He struggled, and what could Alex do but help him lie back, even though what he actually wanted was to hold him tight.

“Careful. Do you still feel sick?”

“No. Yes. I…. No.”

“Were you feeling sick, hun?” Angela took the cardboard tray from Alex.

“Was I?”

“You were. Are you now?”

“Am I what?”

“Do you feel sick, hun?”

Kei thought about it. “I was…,” he said slowly. “I… feeling not sick I was but now.” He blinked and looked surprised. “That’s…not….” He licked his lips and tried again. “I…was…sick…but…better not more now.”

“It’s alright, sweetie,” Angela broke in. “It’s quite natural. Don’t worry. It might happen for a while, especially when you’re tired. It should go away eventually.”

“Should?” Alex and Bonnie echoed.

“It’s usually transient in these kind of cases.”

“Usually?”

“When you’re looking at the human brain nothing’s written in stone. We don’t know anything like as much as we’d like to think we do.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Alex said, puzzled

“It certainly isn’t very reassuring,” Bonnie snapped

“It’s honest and the best sense I can make of it.”

“Never mind.” Bonnie shook her head and turned back to Kei. “The important thing is that you’re feeling a little better.”

“Yes. No. I. Yes.”

“Ssh, you’re getting yourself in a state. It’s okay. The nurse says you’re going to have be patient for a little while, until you’re back on your feet again.”

“Yes.”

“And we’re right here to help you.”

“You are?”

“Of course we are.”

“And Alex?”

“Especially Alex,” Alex said squeezing his hand. Kei smiled at him but only held his eyes for a moment before his drifted back to his mother.

“Mam.”

“I’m here darling.”

“Really?”

“Really. See.” She stroked his cheek. “You can feel me, can’t you?”

“Yes.” He raised his hand and took hers, staring at it. “You’re here.”

“Right here.”

“Can I come home with you?”

“You can’t go home just yet, sweetheart. You need to stay here until you’re better.”

“And then? Home? Me…and…me and Alex.”

“Home? With me? With us? But you’re at university, sweetheart. You don’t live at home anymore.”

“No? Live…not…me… ? Me…and…” He paused and raised a hand to his head. “Alex? Me and Alex?”

“No, unfortunately you don’t live with me either, but we can if you like. When you’re out of here you can move in with me. Nothing would make me happier.”

Kei closed his eyes. “I…don’t….”

“Wouldn’t you rather come home with us, darling? Let your father and I take care of you?”

“Take…care? Father? You?” Kei’s face lit up with a beautiful smile. Bonnie’s heart soared and Alex’s sank. “And Alex?” The position reversed rapidly.

“No, darling, not Alex. You know Alex can’t live with us.”

“Why?”

“Because… Because it’s not right.”

Kei frowned and his eyes flicked between Alex and Bonnie. He looked very confused. “But…but…I…I but love him.”

“No, Kei. You think you do but you don’t. You don’t love Alex and Alex doesn’t love you. It’s not right.”

“Alex….Alex doesn’t…doesn’t love…me?” Kei looked stricken and Alex felt like a sword had been thrust through his heart.

“That’s enough,” he said sharply to Bonnie. “He’s sick and he has no idea what’s going on. You’re being cruel to him, can’t you see that?” He took Kei’s hand between his own and gazed into his eyes. “Yes, I love you. I love you with all my heart. I will always love you and I will always be by your side. Never doubt that. Never. Not for a minute.” Kei smiled uncertainly.

“I’m sorry, darling,” Bonnie said, drawing his eyes. “Alex is right. I shouldn’t be confusing you. We all love you, all of us. We just want you to get better and then we can talk.”

“T…talk?”

“We can all talk and see if we can’t learn to get along.”

Kei closed his eyes and sighed. “Tired,” he mumbled.

“I know, sweetheart,” Bonnie said gently, stroking his forehead. “We’ve tired you out. Go to sleep and we’ll still be here when you wake up.”

Struggling, Kei forced his eyes open. “Promise?”

“We promise.”

“Alex?”

“I promise, Kei. I’ll be right here.”

“Alex, I….” He paused, frowning, his brow deeply furrowed. “I….” His lips moved as if trying out words.

“It’s alright, I know…”

“No…. No, I…. Alex?”

“It’s okay, Kei, I’m here. You can let go now, go to sleep and….”

“No. No, not…. I, no…not…not, no.”

“Kei? What are you trying to say? What’s wrong?”

“Alex. Alex, I….no…no, Alex. I, not, no, never.”

“Kei, you’re not making sense. What are you trying to say?”

Angela gently moved Bonnie out of the way. “Kei? Kei, darling. Kei, can you look at me and tell me what’s wrong? What are you trying to say?”

“I…. No. Alex, no. No, I…. I won’t. Not go I not let won’t not go never now.”

“Kei, calm down. You’re getting yourself into a state and the words won’t come out. Just calm down and you’ll be alright. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Kei’s lips moved for a few moments, then he went still. “Alex,” he whispered. “Just…need…Alex.”

“I know, honey. I know, and he’s here. Alex is right here, see?”

Kei didn’t turn his head to look at Alex. He seemed to be thinking about something, focussing on the ceiling while he pondered.

“Kei? Are you okay? I’m here, Kei. Kei, can you hear me?”

If he did he did nothing to show it. Blinking lazily he seemed to be finding something on the ceiling fascinating because he couldn’t take his eyes off it.

“Kei?”

Angela bent over him and gently tapped his cheek. “Kei sweetheart, are you with us?” It very soon became clear that he wasn’t. Smoothly, Angela went into action. She pressed a button at the side of the bed and dropped the head back. Then somehow she managed to talk to Kei— holding his hand, tapping his face, rubbing his chest—while moving Alex and Bonnie out of the door.

Before he quite knew what was happening, Alex found himself outside a closed door. “Wait. No. What’s happening? Please? What’s happening to Kei?” He implored the various people who came and went but they were all in far too much of a hurry to talk to him.

“Please.” Alex jumped when someone put an arm around his shoulder. He was doubly started to realise it was Bonnie.

“Come on, Alex. We’re getting in the way here. Let’s go back to the waiting room. It isn’t far. Someone will find us when they have something to say.”

“No. No, I can’t. I promised. I have to be here. I have to be with him. I promised.” He tried to wriggle from under her arm to go for the door. She was surprisingly strong.

“Alex, you’re not going to help Kei by getting in the way of the people who are trying to help him. Stay out of the way while they do their thing.”

“But I… I can’t. I need to know. I need to know he’s alright. I need…. I need….”

“I know. Calm down, Alex. I know.” She pulled him into her arms and held on. At first he struggled but it didn’t take long for the fight to go out of him and he sobbed. It had been a long day and it all caught up with him. Choked with fear and rigid with shock he sobbed it all out with Bonnie hushing him and stroking his back.

“I…I’m sorry,” he said at last, pushing her away from him. “I… I just….” He sniffed and rubbed his nose with his sleeve. “I’m really sorry but I… I love him. I love him so much and I’m so… so scared.”

“Stop it,” she said smacking his arm. “Didn’t you’re mother tell you not to do that?” She scrabbled in her pocket and brought out a tissue which she handed to him. “We’re all scared, Alex. Do you think I’m not?”

He looked at her and had to admit that she looked less together than she usually did.

“I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye,” she said, “but we do have one thing in common. We both love Kei. So let’s a get a grip and go back to the waiting room. I’m sure everyone else will want to know what’s going on.”

“Do you?”

“Sorry?”

“Know what’s going on Do you know what’s going on? I don’t.”

“Unfortunately, I can imagine. Come on.”

Holding Alex firmly against her side, she directed him towards the family room.