Gemini - 15. Brotherhood

Jacob

“Cody knows,” Josh said, as he sat down next to me on the meadow.

“Damn. How’d he find out?” I asked surprised.

“He’s seen one of us in my clothes in the park,” Josh explained. “Watched me closely and overheard a conversation between Ethan and me. We decided it was better to tell him than to risk him doing anything stupid while trying to figure out what’s going on. He promised to keep it a secret.”

“You trust him to do that?” I questioned.

Josh shrugged. “It’s not like we had a choice. He would have figured it out eventually. I invited him to come along this afternoon.”

I nodded. “You got a point there. Alright, wanna get changed? We only got a few more minutes if we want to get back in time for our classes.”

“Yeah,” he said, and after looking in all directions to make sure that truly nobody was around, he started taking off his clothes. “You brought your deodorant?”

“Yes,” I replied, and handed him my, or actually his, backpack. “It’s in there.”

“Thanks. Here’s yours,” he said, and gave me my backpack. After folding his clothes and laying them on his shoes, he got up and stood in front of me, a few feet away. Then he hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his boxer briefs and grinned. “We gonna swap those, too?”

I looked down at the boxer briefs I was wearing, hesitating for a second. Then I grinned back at him. “You just wanna check me out?”

He laughed. “I can check you out any time I want,” he said, pulling the front of his boxer briefs away from his body and looking down. “Yep, you’ve got a great equipment down there, Jacob. You’re gonna make a lot of girls happy with that one.”

That got me laughing, too. “Yeah, whatever.”

He let the waistband snap back and grabbed the clothes. “Doesn’t matter, we don’t have to do it if you’re so shy about your size,” he teased me. Grinning, I shook my head and started to get dressed.

Once we were done, he checked the time. “Alright, I better get going. I can’t run with this muscle ache, so I better don’t risk being late.”

“Okay, see you later,” I said. “And uhm, Josh? Be careful about Parker, okay? Make sure that you look self-confident around him. That’s really important.”

He suddenly looked very concerned. “Why is that?”

“Uhm,” I said. Why hadn’t I talked about this with him before? “I kinda convinced him to leave you alone, but you can’t show any weakness around him or he’ll call my bluff.”

“What?” He asked. “What the hell did you do? I mean, whatever you had to do to defend yourself would be okay, I guess, but this doesn’t sound good at all. Did you challenge him?”

“Uh,” I started. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure anymore whether what I did had been the right thing. “I kicked him in the balls. Then I told him if he ever lays hands on me again I will sue him and maybe even add sexual assault to the accusations and bribe a witness. I was fairly sure that he wouldn’t want to explain a sexual assault on a boy to his buddies. It seems to work so far.”

“You what?” He all but shouted. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

I was quite shocked at his reaction. Josh sure wasn’t the nice, religious kid his parents thought him to be, but even for him this language was a little strong. He started pacing. “Fuck! He will find one way or another to get back at me. I just know it.”

“Look Josh,” I said and he stopped pacing and glared at me. I glared right back, starting to get pissed. I had done so much for him and it wasn’t like Parker had given me much of a choice. “I’m sorry, but if I hadn’t done it, he would’ve beaten me up. I’m sure he won’t do anything.”

I tried to relax my tensed body and speak calmly, but it worked only partially. “He might be stupid, but as long as he doesn’t see a weak spot, he won’t try anything. Just act like you don’t care about him at all when he sees you and you’ll be alright.”

“I hope you’re right,” Josh sourly commented. “Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier? Is there anything else I should know?”

I gulped. There was Philip, but if I told him now, he would freak out. He must have seen my look because he frowned. “What is it? Tell me.”

“Uhm well, Philip,” I stuttered. “He kinda… well, I don’t know, but he kinda made some insinuations.”

“What kind of insinuations,” Josh demanded.

“Uhm, kinda, about you being gay?” I all but whispered.

I had expected him to scream at me, to freak out, maybe even attack me, but instead he just sat down and buried his face in his hands. “I’m so fucked,” he said dejectedly.

I sat down about five feet away, facing him. I crossed my arms and spoke defiantly “This one so isn’t my fault. I’m not even gay, so how would he know from something I did? He must’ve had suspicions for much longer than the past days, so don’t blame it on me.”

“Fuck,” Josh muttered. “Look Jacob, it doesn’t matter right now. I don’t wanna think about it, alright?”

“It does matter,” I exclaimed hurt. “It’s not like I tried to harm you or anything. I was trying to make things easier for you and apparently you think I fucked up with Parker, and I don’t know what’s going on with Philip, but apparently you’re blaming me for that, too. Okay so even if you’re right about Parker, what was I to do? Get beaten up? And Philip? He didn’t look like he was going to tell your parents or anything. I did all I could to fit into your role and also to help you some, and this is what I get?”

He looked up and I saw that he was shaking. “Don’t you get it?” He shouted. “This isn’t about you at all. Okay, so it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t matter. Don’t you get what Philip can do if he really knows?”

I held my hands up in a defensive gesture, surprised at how upset he was. “No, I don’t get it,” I retorted. “What are you even talking about?”

Josh pulled on his hair. “Jacob, if he has any kind of proof, he will have total control over me, don’t you get that? I’m betting serious money that he’s gay, and now that he knows I’m gay he’s friendly all of a sudden, like he’s trying to take advantage of the situation? He’s been checking on me so much and trying to get close to me for so long, there’s got to be more behind that than just his job. He’s a twenty-something year old guy, who basically looks like a male model, with no girlfriend or wife. Why do you think that is?“

“He’s been friendly because I was friendly to him, and how would he even know?” I argued.

“I have no fucking clue,” he shot back. “Maybe he has figured out a way to restore my browser history? That’s not the point though. He wouldn’t make any insinuations if he wasn’t scheming something. C’mon, he’s working for my father. He wouldn’t say anything like that if there wasn’t a bigger plan behind it.”

“He isn’t going to try anything on you, is he?” I asked, suddenly understanding why he was so upset. I had thought that Philip was just being friendly, but what he said made sense, too.

“How am I to know?” he said dejectedly. He hung his head low again and supported his forehead on his fists. I saw him shudder slightly. “I just know that if he doesn’t get whatever he wants the nice way, he can always threaten to tell my father I’m gay.”

“He wouldn’t blackmail you to… to…uhm... ” I faded off, looking at him in shock. “Are you really thinking of that?”

“I don’t even want to think about it,” he all but whispered. Covering his face with his hands, he let out a desperate sigh. “All I know is that I can’t afford my father’s knowing. Shit, I would have to go along with whatever he makes me do, otherwise I’m dead meat.”

I couldn’t look at his face, but I saw him shiver and it almost seemed like he was trying to make himself smaller. After about a minute, he finally spoke. “I’m sorry about earlier,” he said with a trembling voice. “I… I’m not blaming you. I’m sorry for… for shouting at you. It’s just… a lot of stuff went wrong and I’m just totally scared of what will happen.” He shuddered again and I heard a soft sob. “If Philip really knows, he totally has me by the balls, you know?”

I scooted over next to him. Tentatively I touched his shoulder and then I put my arm around him. “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, Josh. Really, I am. I know that you have more to lose than I can ever imagine so… I don’t know, just, please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to cause you any harm.”

He leaned into me and I felt his body relax a little. “How could so many things happen in such a short time?” He asked softly. “I got some people suspicious, and then there is Parker and now Philip and I just don’t know… it seems a little too much all of a sudden.”

I laid my other arm around him, too, and pulled him close. “Look, we have to get going, but we’ll meet again in the afternoon, okay? Just calm down and try to look self-confident when Parker is around. We will talk about everything else after school. As for Philip, don’t worry about that right now, okay? If he tries anything on you, you have to tell me right away. Ethan and me got your back, no matter what, alright?”

He rested his body against mine, head on my shoulder. Suddenly he raised his head and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tight. "I'm still sorry about earlier."

“It’s alright,” I soothed him. “I get why you reacted the way you did. As long as you understand that it’s not like I wanted this to happen, we’re fine. I’m sure you made mistakes, too, but doing what we did, we should have expected that something would go wrong. We’ll just have to deal with it.”

I wasn’t quite as calm as I tried to make him believe, but he didn’t need me freaking out, too. I could do that later on. I sighed and got up “Let’s get going, we’re already running late.”

He took my outstretched hand and pulled himself up. When he grabbed his backpack, I put my hand on his shoulder. “Are you going to be alright for the next few hours?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he replied and forced himself to smile. It looked more like an ugly grimace, though. I gave him a brief hug and patted him on the back. “I’ll meet you here after school. Until then, just try not to think about it, alright?”

He nodded slowly. “Alright.”

♊

“Hey Ethan, can you hang out with Cody for a bit before the two of you come to the park? I gotta talk about some stuff with J,” I asked him as we left the classroom. I had been thinking about the deal with Philip for the whole time since lunch hour and it had stressed me out. It must have shown in my voice and on my face because Ethan looked at me curiously.

He hesitated for a moment and it was obvious from his face that he had a smart remark on lips, but when he saw my look, he swallowed it. “Sure,” he said. “I’ll see you then.”

“Thanks, I owe you one,” I said, and hurried down the hallway. I wanted to get back to the park as fast as possible. To me it didn’t matter who had done wrong in which situations, it only mattered that we got it fixed. Yes, I was still kind of mad that he had reacted the way he did, but it didn’t seem important anymore. I doubted that Philip would really abuse his power over Josh, he seemed too nice for that, but then again, wasn’t it typical for these kind of guys to be nice before they tried anything on you? I hoped that Josh wouldn’t hold all of this against me, but luckily the last time I saw him, it didn’t look like he would.

“Hey J, wait up,” I heard someone calling me from behind. I turned around and saw Conrad hurrying towards me. Crossing my arms in front of my chest, I leaned against the wall and waited for him. I really didn’t have time for this right now.

“What’s up?” I asked crisply, when he was close enough to communicate without shouting.

“C’mon, we’ll talk on the way out”, he said, and made his way towards the stairs. I pushed myself away from the wall and caught up to him.

“You been hanging out with that new guy?” He asked, as I was walking alongside him.

“You mean Cody?” I asked, but it was more of a statement.

“Yeah Cody, whatever, look,” he said dismissively. “Talk’s going around the guy’s gay.”

“So?” I asked, not a little annoyed. I stared straight ahead, not even looking at him when I replied. During the past days I’ve had about enough of homophobic bullshit from Mr. Adams and now Conrad wanted to start in, too? I seriously had other problems to deal with right now.

“Well, I mean, he’s like gay, you know?” Conrad repeated, almost a little confused at my indifference. He randomly gesticulated with his hands like it was going to make me understand his point.

“Yes, I know,” I replied, and pushed open the front door of the building. I looked back at him, shrugged, and stepped outside.

He didn’t give up that easily, though. “Jacob, people might start talking about you if you hang out with him. Also, why would you want to be around a fag?”

I spun around to face him and stopped walking. Whether it was Mr. Adams’ monologues during the dinners, or having a gay, identical twin brother... I didn’t know, but something had made me much more sensitive about the usage of this particular word than I used to be. Despite the fight I had earlier with Josh, I felt a surge of anger run through my body upon hearing this word. I almost snapped at him for saying something like that, but I restrained myself. Instead, I took a deep breath, trying to cool off.

“Look Conrad,” I said as calmly as I could. “I don’t feel like talking about this right now. Why is this any of your business anyway? I am old enough to choose my own friends. I get what you mean, but right now I have other things to worry about, alright? Thanks for caring, though.”

Gaping at me, he stood there, completely taken aback at how I had reacted. I figured that he’d be okay and simply walked away, but as I left the schoolyard and walked towards the park, my feelings started to catch up with me. I really loved my brothers and even though Conrad had been more and more distant lately, I felt bad for the way I had reacted to him. Feelings of guilt welled up inside me, but I immediately pushed them away.

This wasn’t the 1970s, it was the 21st century. Conrad’s homophobia was ridiculous and I had to stand up against it at one point or another. Ian’s ideas of what the world was supposed to be like weren’t as bad as Conrad’s, but I assumed that they’d agree on this one. It had been just a matter of time until something like this came up, and now I had gotten the ball rolling.

‘Well, better sooner than later’, I thought to myself, although I wasn’t quite sure if this hadn’t been a bit too soon.

I slowed my pace a bit, once I entered the park. The sun was shining and there were a lot of families around. I took in the peaceful atmosphere and tried to calm down. They would get over it eventually. I was positive that even if it would take Conrad some time, he would accept my different views eventually. I loved that they watched out for me like they did, but I wasn’t a small kid anymore and I needed to have my own opinions and beliefs.

When I got to the clearing, I saw Josh leaning against a tree, waiting for me. We bumped fists and he slid down on the tree, resting his back against it. I thought about sitting down right where I stood, so I would be facing him, but then I decided against it. Instead, I dropped my backpack to the ground and with a sigh, I got down next to him, resting my back against the same trunk, our shoulders touching.

For a couple of minutes neither of us spoke a word. I looked over the clearing and watched a bee fly around some flowers until it came closer to us and I could hear its humming. It was so quiet, it was easy to hear the chirping of the birds in the trees around us. Taking in the nature like this had a calming effect on me. It wasn’t until my body started to relax, that I realized just how tensed up I had been.

Finally the bee moved on, and as if that had been my clue, I cleared my throat and started to speak. “So, how is it to have your old life back?” I asked, my eyes focused on the trees on the other side of the clearing. Josh pulled his legs close and hugged them against his chest.

“It’s weird,” he replied after a while. “It’s like… as if I had lived in this small valley all the time, and I finally climbed one of the mountain crests to explore the bordering valleys. Now that I’ve returned, everything seems so unreal and constricted.”

I nodded, kind of understanding what he was saying, but not really. Then I realized that he couldn’t see me nodding since we were looking in different directions. “I get that, I guess,” I said softly.

“It’s almost like I’m watching things from a different perspective now,” he continued. “Two weeks back, the way it was had been all I knew and it seemed like there was no way out, but now I don’t feel as affected by everything. It’s like I don’t care that much anymore, you know? Before we met, I was living scared of what might happen in the future. I knew that if my parents found out about my being gay, I’d be toast.”

He paused for a moment and cleared his throat. “Now I know that if things totally screw up at home, or at school, I still have you and Ethan to hold on to. It makes everything a lot easier to deal with.”

“You should still be careful,” I warned him “We’re still all minors and we can’t just run away and start a life somewhere else.”

“I wish we could,” he said dreamily. “But I get what you mean. All I’m saying is that it helps a lot to know that you guys care.”

“So we’re cool, you know, about earlier?” I asked, turning my whole body around so I could see him properly. “I really am sorry if any of this is my fault. I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.”

He turned his head and looked me in the eyes. “I’m sorry about how I reacted. I was really shocked and all, but I had no right to scream at you. I made mistakes when I was you, too. I just hope we can leave all of this behind us and move on.”

I nodded. “Alright, forgiven and forgotten.” He smiled and moved over to hug me. I laid my arms around him and pulled him into a brotherly embrace. Sometimes the frequency of our hugs seemed a bit weird to me, and for a second I even wondered if it had anything to do with him being gay, but I quickly shed that idea. I had been around his parents, and I knew how distant and unloving they were. He was craving acceptance and love, and a hug was a very direct and physical way to demonstrate these things.

In an odd way, I could understand why he acted the way he did, and it made me feel sad for him. Thinking about it, I didn’t mind the hugs at all. It was nice to give him this kind of brotherly affection that I had always taken for granted, but that he had never known. When we finally pulled away, I noticed his exuberantly happy smile. Seeing how much joy this had brought him, I resolved to hug him more often. It was something that seemed to mean a lot to him, and it was easy for me to give, so I didn’t mind.

“Where do we go from here? Am I still going to Washington?”, I asked as we sat back down, now facing one another.

He smiled at me. “You still wanna go on that trip?

“Definitely,” I stated, and then I spoke excitedly. “Actually, I was really looking forward to this trip. It’s something I have never done and from what I’ve understood during breakfast, they’ll fly with a private jet. I haven’t ever been on a plane before, but having my first flight on my private jet? That would be the bomb.”

Josh chuckled at my enthusiasm. “Yeah, they always fly with the company jet. Alright. Let’s stay with our own lives for now and then we can trade back on Friday during lunch time. That way we can get some of these problems sorted out and let things settle down, but you can still go to Washington.”

“Cool,” I agreed. That left only one thing to talk about before Cody and Ethan joined us. I hesitated for a moment, but then I asked anyway. “Uhm, I know this is not exactly your favorite topic, but what about Philip and Parker?”

He shrugged. “You were right about Parker so far, he actually did leave me alone. I might just get lucky and it works out like you planned, at least until the summer holidays start. I suppose I can handle looking self-confident, like you suggested, as long as he doesn’t get too close to me.”

I nodded. That was the best response I could expect. There was a prolonged silence and Josh appeared to be lost in thoughts. After my questioning look didn’t help, I eventually asked him directly. “What about Philip?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought it through yet, but I guess I can’t do anything, other than wait and see how it plays out. For the time being I will try to maintain some distance without pissing him off.”

“I’m a bit worried,” I admitted. “Will you tell me when he does or says anything that makes you suspicious? Even if it’s just something that appears minor?”

“What good would it do? It’s not like I can do much about it anyway,” he said dejectedly. I gave him a stern look, and at first he avoided my eyes, but when I didn’t stop, he finally gave in. “Okay, okay, I will tell you.”

“Good,” I said relieved. “Because if you really are correct about this… I don’t want you to have to… uhm...”

“I know,” he interrupted me. “I won’t do anything like that with him, at least I don’t think I will. I’m lucky that I met Ethan, and then you, when I did. Without you guys this would be completely hopeless and I don’t even want to think about what would have happened. Things could still go really wrong, but if they do, at least I’ll know that I’m not all alone.”

I smiled at that. “Okay. Let’s try not to worry about it too much, but I promise you that if things go wrong, we will find a solution for this, whatever it takes,” I said, making sure to maintain eye contact with him, so he knew that I meant it.

He thought about that for a minute and then a grateful smile spread over his face. “Thanks a lot. I’m not sure you’ll be able to fix that one, at least not without major collateral damage, but it means a lot that you’re trying. Nobody has ever tried to help me just because, at least not like you do, so thanks.”

His voice got a bit emotional towards the end, and the expression on his face, one that almost looked like admiration, made me feel a little funny on the inside. I remembered my earlier thoughts about how he craved affection, and I scooted over and pulled him into another hug. It was then that I knew whatever trouble I would have to go through to help him and stand up for him, was totally worth it. I had done it during the last days and would probably have to do it again with Conrad, and possibly in other situations, but that didn’t really matter. Having Josh as my brother was more than enough of a reason for me.