Gemini - 19. Feeling Down

Josh

“Have a good weekend, Josh,” Mr. Fisher said to me when I passed him. “Enjoy your trip to Washington!”

“Thanks!” I replied with a smile, faking to be in a good mood. “The same to you.”

As I left the classroom, I turned my eyes to the ground and continued my way out of the school building. I had been feeling glum all day. After Jacob had told me about Philip and Seth, I had done my best to avoid him without it being too obvious. It had worked some, but he had clearly noticed that something was wrong and kept giving me these weird, kind of worried looks. Then Jacob had decided to hang out with his brothers the day before, and that had given me far too much time to think. By now all my thoughts revolved around what Philip might do to me and just how fucked up my life was. In other words, I was feeling alone and depressed.

I guess everyone has these times where they get really pensive, kind of shutting everything out; and the more they think, the more they drag themselves down. It’s probably normal to do that, at least within limits, but you have to know that you can’t dwell on the negative things in life for too long, or it’s going to be downright unhealthy. I was seriously hoping Jacob could pull me out of this mood.

I was just walking through the school gate when I noticed Parker standing close, surrounded by his buddies, watching me. He shot me a hateful glare, and flexed his muscles. For a second, my heart almost stopped beating. He wasn’t as reluctant to show his animosity as he had been the days before. Was he going to test what was behind Jacob’s threat? Just in time I remembered Jacob’s advice, put up my careless facade and arrogantly ignored him as I walked by. He kept looking at me for a little longer, but when I didn’t react, he turned back to his buddies, who luckily hadn’t noticed me. Then I passed the school gate and was gone.

School wasn’t over, yet, but I wouldn’t see Parker again before Monday. I only had to get to the park and trade places with Jacob, and then I would be away from this miserable life for another few days, a weekend with Ethan. Sighing, I wished that things were different, that I had been adopted with Jacob together by his parents, or the two of us by an entirely different family. It wouldn’t really matter as long as I got away from my parents, and from Parker and Philip.

When I got to the park, Jacob was already there, waiting for me. As soon as he spotted me, he got up and walked in my direction and cheerfully greeted me. “Hey J, what’s up? Ready for the big weekend?”

Then he saw my face and his happy expression dropped. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked me softly.

“Nothing really, just being miserable, I guess,” I replied. I knew that I was pathetic, and basically on my knees begging for some pity, but right then I didn’t really care. I was happy to trade my self-respect for a hug from someone who at least partly understood me.

Jacob did exactly that. Not hesitating for a second, he took me into his arms and pressed me against his chest. Way too short to really comfort me, but it still felt like finding a water hole in a huge, lonely desert. After releasing me, he took my arm and pulled me down with him, so I was sitting next to him on the ground. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked, totally ignoring that we had to leave for school in a few minutes.

I suddenly felt bad for relying and leaning so much on him, so I hesitated. I was pretty much taking him for granted, but did I even have a right to do that? What if he got tired of it? I looked at him in doubt and was just preparing to tell him that it didn’t matter, but then he gave me this kind of encouraging, kind of expectant look that said ‘whatever it is, I’ll be there for you’, and gently squeezed my shoulder. “Josh, tell me what’s bothering you.”

“It’s just,” I started, but then stopped, not quite sure what I wanted to say. “Everything, I guess,” I finally finished. And then the words started to flow like a huge waterfall. “You remember what I told you when we first swapped back? About me feeling like I’ve been in this valley all the time and then finally exploring the surrounding valleys, and then having to return to my own boring valley, and that making me feel limited? Well, this valley of mine sucks. I wish I would’ve never been born there in the first place. I wish we could’ve grown up together, in the same valley, looking at the same trees and the same green meadows, living on the same alp.”

At first Jacob looked at me as if he wanted to ask me what the hell I was talking about, but then he seemed to get what I meant, so I rambled on. “I wish I could just come over and live on your alp, but it doesn’t work that way, and you have seen what life is like in my valley. I can’t ask you to trade places with me forever either. I’d rather jump off a mountain top or drown myself in one of those beautiful, yet wild rivers, rushing through the ravines, before I ask for something like that from you. Whatever I’ve thought of since we started all this, in the end I will always be stuck in my own narrow-minded home.” I stopped for a moment, looking at him worriedly. “And while I lean on you to help me climb the mountains and see more of the beautiful surrounding, I fear that one day you will get tired of my weight and leave me behind.”

The longer I spoke, the more emotional I got. I wasn’t in tears, but I was sure that Jacob could hear in my voice that this was a big deal to me. Without the metaphor, I probably would’ve never been able to tell him about my feelings as precisely as I had just done. I guess this way to express myself was a bit weird to him, since he took a few moments to think about what I said. When he had finally worked it out in his head, he looked up into my face. “Do you really think I’d just leave you behind with all this shit going on?” He asked, a bit accusingly even. “Have I ever given you a reason to think that?”

I shrugged. “You’ve never given me a reason, but… I don’t know.” I shrugged again and waved with my hand to point out how close we were sitting together, his hand still on my shoulder. “You know, it’s just... sometimes you’re actually more like a big brother to me, and you don’t even mind like… giving me a hug or squeezing my shoulder, even though I’m gay. Now you got in a fight with your brothers about that, well, actually that was about Cody, but I suppose I was still the main reason that you reacted the way you did. Also, we both know that your life is much better than mine. So when we trade places, you mostly do that for me, don’t you?”

I gave him a questioning look and after a few seconds he got that I wanted him to reply to that. “Well, not really…” he started slowly. “Okay, one of the reasons why I do this is because of you, but that’s not the only reason,” he admitted. “I also think it’s really interesting and fun. Washington is definitely going to be awesome, and it’s something I otherwise could’ve never done, so don’t worry that I do it just because of you.”

I smiled at him, silently thanking for being honest with me. “I don’t know. I’m just worried that… you would get tired of it at some point. I’ve never really had anyone so close to me as you are, so I fear that at some point all of that will be taken away from me. Also, I just wish I could live with you and go to your school, instead of living with my parents, but I don’t know if you would even want that.”

Jacob grinned. “I would love that. And don’t worry. Being twins isn’t something you can just switch on and off as you wish. I guess we are stuck with one another for a lifetime. At least I hope that is how you want it, because I want it a lot.”

Hearing those words was one thing, but comprehending them was another, so I looked at him doubtfully, still feeling rather insecure. Jacob was looking back at me, and he must’ve felt my inner turmoil because suddenly, he just laid his arms around me and pulled me close against himself. Out of reflex, my muscles stiffened at first, but a few seconds later, I relaxed and melted into him. “Isn’t it kinda weird,” I asked him, as my head was buried on his chest. “Us being like this, I mean.”

“I guess,” he said, and his voice sounded strange because my ear was pressed against his ribs and I could hear it coming from within him. “But it doesn’t feel weird to me. I probably wouldn’t do this with any other guy, not even with Ethan because that actually would be weird. But with you it feels kind of… normal. Actually, we spent nine months cuddled up together in our mother’s tummy.” He grinned. “Thinking of it, back then we were even naked, so I guess it’s just… natural, if that makes any sense?”

He did have a point there. I spent a moment trying to imagine what that must’ve been like and it produced a warm feeling within me. This was probably what family was supposed to feel like. That thought made me kind of sad, and I cuddled up even closer to him.

“Whatcha thinking about?” He asked, probably because he had noticed my change of mood.

“Just… this, I guess,” I replied. “What family feels like, and all.”

He let go of me and ruffled my hair. “I guess like this?”

“Thanks,” I said, and smiled at him.

“No problem, anytime,” he replied, and then looked at the time on his phone. “We gotta get going if we don’t want to get in trouble.”

“Oh shit, true,” I said, getting up and stripping, so we could trade clothes. When we were done with that, I suddenly remembered something and opened my backpack. “Wait a sec,” I told Jacob, who was about to leave. Carefully, I got the small box out of my backpack and solemnly handed it to Jacob. Then I got the second box out and kept it in my hands. “It’s something I bought with Sarah when we were in Schenectady. I thought it’d be a nice thing to give you… or us, really.”

Jacob curiously opened the box and when he saw the chain and recognized the Gemini symbol, his eyes lit up. “That’s way cool! Thanks!” He exclaimed. “Those must’ve been expensive. Damn! You shouldn’t have spent so much money for me.”

“‘Whatever,” I told him. “I wanted to have them, so the money didn’t really matter.”

He shook his head, but then grinned at me anyway. “Wanna put them on?”

“Sure,” I said, and opened my box. Slowly, I took out the chain with the Gemini pendant and stepped up to him. He raised his chin, so I had access to his neck, and waited expectantly. The moment when I put it around his neck felt almost like some sacred ceremony. He was standing all stiff with a serious expression on his face. Then I took a step back and put up my chin a bit, like he had done and he put the necklace I had given him on me. His fingers and the cold silver on my skin felt weird, but in a good way. It was pride, warmth, happiness and a brotherly love all at the same time. Like putting on wedding rings, only for twins, as if this was making our biological connection something official, something recognized.

When he was done, he embraced me once again, and held on to me tightly. “Thanks a lot. That was really awesome of you.”

We broke our hug and I smiled at him. “It was the least I could do. But now we have to go, or we will definitely be late.”

“Alright,” he said. “I will send you a text, so you know what’s been going on.”

“Thanks,” I told him. “Oh and watch out for Parker, I think he plans something.”

“No worries,” Jacob assured me. “I’m not afraid of him.”

‘Still, be careful’, I wanted to say, but he was already walking away, so I shrugged and turned to walk to his school. About five minutes later I got the text he promised to send me.

Alright, as I told you, I’ve spent most of yesterday with Conrad and Ian. Ian is awesome, but Conrad pretends that nothing ever happened. If he gives you any shit, just ignore him, alright? You won’t really see them anyway, I talked to my parents and they said it was okay that I spent the whole weekend at Ethan’s. They kinda noticed my fight with my brothers and assumed that we would fix things our own way. Speaking of Ethan, Cody said he thinks Ethan is gay. What do you think about that? Aren’t you guys supposed to have a gaydar or something? Maybe you have an idea… Anyway, enjoy your weekend! Thanks again for letting me go on this trip! It’s gonna be my first time on a plane!!

I quickly typed back before I entered the school and hurried to my, or actually his, next lesson. You’re welcome and enjoy your weekend, too!. Be careful you don’t puke or act too excited when on the plane, lol. As for Ethan, I have no idea. My gaydar has always been broken… I should go to church and claim a replacement from God, lol. He definitely owes me one for all this shit.

I grinned when I hit send, but then I thought about what he had said about Cody and Ethan. How would Cody know? Was his gaydar working better than mine, and would he act on that? I definitely didn’t want to come out to Ethan, or risk anything, but I felt that the longer I waited, the more I risked that Cody would move in and, if he was right, become Ethan’s boyfriend. I grimaced. Hopefully this weekend would give me some clarification and maybe even a chance to test the waters. My phone chirped again and I saw that I had gotten another message from Jacob.

Broken?! We definitely have to do something about that when I’m back from Washington.

♊

“Shit,” Cody muttered when he joined Ethan and me on the schoolyard. “Let’s go.”

“What’d happen?” I asked as we got up to leave.

“Talked to Seth and asked him if he wanted to hang out with me this afternoon,” he replied and shook his head. “I thought it’d be a great way to find out a few things about him. Anyway, he said he already had plans. Then he asked me why I would be interested in hanging out with him, and of course I hadn’t thought of that, so I stood there like an idiot, stuttering some made up excuse. Now he probably thinks I am interested in dating him or something.”

“Well, aren’t you?” Ethan asked, laughing.

Cody blushed. “Well, not really. I mean, he’s cute, but that’s not the reason I asked him to hang out with us,” he said defensively. “Also, he’s a bit young for me.”

Ethan shrugged and after looking around and making sure that nobody could overhear our conversation, he talked with a sad low voice. “From what Jacob told me, he might just be way more mature than any of us, and probably has more experience, too.”

“Ew,” Cody exclaimed. “I don’t even want to think about that part!” He stopped and thought for a moment. “I wouldn’t hold it against him, though. I feel really sorry for him.”

“Yeah,” Ethan agreed and then pointed ahead. “Look, Ian and Conrad are over there.”

I looked up and saw them standing a bit ahead of us, apparently arguing. Suddenly Conrad started walking our way. Ian stood there for a second longer, looking unhappy, but then caught up with his older brother. “Looks like they want to talk to you J,” Ethan commented dryly.

“Fuck, just what I need now,” I cursed through gritted teeth.

Before I had time to think about what to say, they had reached us. “Hey Ethan, J,” Conrad greeted us, pointedly ignoring Cody. He didn’t even look at him, as if he wasn’t there.

“Hey,” I said, unsure of how to react to that. Ethan simply raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

“We thought maybe you would like to hang out and play basketball with us,” Conrad said, though the way he spoke it sounded more like a command than an offer.

“Thanks for asking, but I already have plans today,” I politely replied.

“Oh c’mon, you have done so little with us in the past weeks,” Conrad whined, trying to give me a guilt trip. “It sure beats whatever you have planned,” he added with a nasty glance at Cody.

I didn’t know how to react to that. I should’ve just told him to fuck off for the way he was acting towards Cody, but he was Jacob’s big brother after all, so I was unsure how to deal with this situation. Additionally, he was way big and muscular, and even though I knew that he would never hurt me, his presence was quite intimidating. I opened my mouth to say something, but in the end I just stood there on shaky legs, feeling insecure.

Ian must’ve seen my discomfort because he quickly jumped in. “You don’t have to if you don’t want. You know you can always join us if you like.” He looked over at Cody, and then back to me, trying to smile. “Maybe the next time, you can bring Cody, too, if he wants?”

Conrad’s face showed clearly just what he thought of that, but before he could say anything, Ian gave him a shove and grinned at us uncomfortably. “Anyway, we gotta go. See you.” He bumped fists with me, and then with Ethan.

When he got to Cody, he hesitated, as if he was unsure whether he actually wanted to touch him or not. After a second, he finally offered a handshake. Cody looked at his hand, then at his face, as if trying to decide whether he actually wanted to accept it or not. He took several seconds, waiting for Ian to withdraw his hand, but when Ian persisted, he took it and gave him a firm handshake. Then he looked up and smiled at Ian.

“You coming?” Conrad called annoyed. He had already started to walk away and was now impatiently waiting for Ian to follow him.

“I’m sorry,” Ian said to Cody, and smiled. “It was nice meeting you.”

Cody nodded at him. “It was nice meeting you, too. Have a good day Ian.”

Ian thanked him and went after Conrad while we continued our way to Cody’s home.

“Well, that was certainly an interesting meeting,” Cody stated.

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry about that,” I hastily said, suddenly feeling guilty for Jacob’s brother’s behavior. “They’ll come around… Jacob had quite a fight with them.”

“It’s okay,” Cody told me. “I’ve experienced worse. Also, Ian seemed to be alright. He was trying.”

“Still,” Ethan commented. “Conrad’s being an asshole. I hadn’t thought he’d be that bad.”

Something in his voice seemed strange, so I looked over to him. He was looking at the ground and had a weird expression on his face. After a few steps he must’ve felt my eyes on him because he looked up and shot me an obviously forced smile.