The Art of Being Gay - 9. Person of Letters

Person of Letters

Chad looked down at the crumpled letter. He'd read the stupid thing ten times at least and still didn't really know what it meant. It seemed genuine and heartfelt, but the harsh stings of the tone of the writer’s prior spoken words had tainted its reading. Such an apology seemed suspect given the nature of their tenuous relationship and strained past. He started reading it again trying to extract the sentiment from between the lines.

Chad,

Silas

Chad folded the letter with some disgust. Whatever Morgan thought the letter would accomplish, it wouldn’t work. The English teacher had made his position clear and no amount of begging would change that. They weren't friends in the first place. Calling them allies was stretching the word beyond normal usage. It didn't change anything. If Silas Morgan thought a nicely worded letter that said things that read as sterile as a fucking steer, he had another thing coming. He didn’t need Morgan then and especially not now.

Betrayal was a sin, Silas' own characterization of his actions, and that wasn't forgiven lightly. Once any trust is shattered, if it's glued back together like a broken Waterford crystal decanter, it won't hold water ever again. Chad's cold remembrance of that night burned within him. Stuffing the letter in his back pocket, he pulled out a tattered roll of Tums and pulled one from the shredded paper. Thinking better of it, he thumbed one more off the roll and chomped them with bitterness. Their chalkiness did little to erase the bitter bile bubbling within his gut.

Chad threw the last of his freshly laundered and folded clothes in the old, scarred bureau, shutting the drawer most of the way shut. Without a handle, it was too hard to open if you fully closed it. He swore at the eyesore and slammed his fist on top of it. The surface made his knuckles sting, but it felt good. Sometimes a little pain of the flesh eased the stabbing thud of his heavy heart. He stood there for a minute fighting back tears he couldn’t seem to stop. That’s when he heard the tingle of his phone. He swore at it, looking at the caller ID. It was fucking work.

"Hello," Chad answered as nicely as he could.

"Sorry to bother you on your day off, but the lift isn't working and the driver is pissed as hell. Peterson has tried to get it to work but it won't move. The motor turns on and the platform just sits there without budging." It was Madeline. Roy hadn't even bothered to call Chad himself. It had been a week since Justin left and his boss hadn't said more than two words to him since then. Every time Chad approached, Roy ran and hid or rushed him to one side. It made the mechanic feel terrible. It was obvious Roy felt used after they borrowed his house last weekend. What Chad couldn't understand was that Roy insisted and had been a part of their fun the whole time.

Just like with Silas, Chad must have misread signals and botched up things. He really couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong in either case, but it was undoubtedly his fault. It was making him feel like crap.

"I'm not doing anything right now Maddie. I'll be there in five minutes. Tell the driver to grab a coffee and settle down." Chad realized his voice sounded strained. Madeline didn't seem to notice.

"Thanks Chad. I owe you one." She hung up.

He threw on a hoodie and stepped into his boots. With luck, he'd have the lift fixed and could escape without seeing Roy. Having his boss ignore and avoid him was too much, especially after rereading that damned letter. God, he hated people sometimes. They expected so much and had so little compassion, unless it suited their needs.

**********
"What are you doing here?" Peterson asked, and though his voice had a hint of annoyance, underneath was the distinct sense of relief. "I think I figured out the problem. The motor seized."

Chad grunted and looked at the side rollers and pulled off the guards. "Madeline called. The chains came off. We just need to guide them back onto the cogs."

Peterson groaned in relief. "I didn't check that."

"It's okay," Chad said giving him a false smile. "This will only take a moment and we can get the truck on its way."

Peterson watched as the mechanic moved the chain over a half an inch and slowly hand spun the sprocket. He stepped over to the opposite side and did the same. After reengaging the catches, Chad turned the motor on low. With a click and a snap, the platform rose slowly. After the lift reached the top of the cylinder, he reversed it. The motor purred smoothly as it descended.

"I should have known," Peterson said shaking his head. "What would we do without you?"

"Wait for Neville Brothers to show up," Chad chuckled, though Peterson could hear a bit of sadness in his response. "It should work fine now. Want some help unloading the truck so the driver doesn’t have another meltdown?"

"You can go. Roy didn't want you called in. I'm surprised he let Madeline bother you today. He was pretty firm that you shouldn't be bugged."

Chad stepped back and watched the lift move closer to the truck down the apron of the dock. "Has Roy been acting strange this past week? I mean, has he been upset or short with you or anything?"

"No," Peterson said walking the lift down to the open back of the truck. "Not to me at least. He's been quiet and shut away in the office a lot. I think quarterly reports are due or something."

Chad considered his next words carefully. Ever since the night of the male strippers when they played cards until the wee hours of the morning, the tension between him and Peterson had dissipated. He feared any questions could disrupt that delicate truce. "Has he said anything about me?"

"Other than to not bother you? No." Peterson's answer was direct and he looked at Chad quizzically. "Did something happen between you two?"

Chad heard a little tension in the question. "No. We had a great weekend hanging out with my son and his girlfriend. I thought it went well."

"Oh," was all Peterson said. "I'm sure it's all in your head then."

"Probably," Chad answered. "I'm heading back to my room."

Peterson watched as the other man left. The usual spring in his stride was missing. He dragged his feet like a defeated athlete after a game. Both sadness and questioning seemed to weigh down each step.

*******
"I told you not to call him," Roy barked at Madeline. He was standing in the general office area overlooking the store. He watched as Chad slowly trod out the side door toward the parking lot. Roy couldn’t figure out why he looked so crushed and tired. Usually the guy was a tightly coiled spring of enthusiasm and optimism. Not today.

"It was him or a $500 service call that would have taken until tomorrow. We needed that shipment today, Roy." Madeline slowly gnawed on a celery stick, looking at him defiantly. "Why do you care? You didn't have to talk to him."

"He shouldn't be bothered on his day off. He has a lot to deal with," Roy snarled. " I should reprimand you."

"Go ahead," Madeline said. She popped the last of the snack into her mouth. "As a cause of action, make sure you write in, 'saved the store 500 bucks and a second delivery date for Christmas merchandise.' Oh, and under recommended remedial response, put 'was forced to change the store manager's diapers because he's acting like a pouting toddler."

Roy's face purpled with anger. " I may put ‘my assistant manager is a sarcastic little bitch who can't mind her own business’."

"Oh please," Madeline scoffed, waving a hand at him. "Your behavior is hardly secretive. I saw you actually run into a maintenance closet yesterday when Chad was walking towards you. Talk about obvious and pathetic."

"I was checking on supplies," Roy said. He looked at her defiantly. "I was doing my job."

"I watched you stand in a corner until the man left the rest room. You are avoiding him, Roy. Why?"

Roy saw Madeline was now on her feet with her arms akimbo, her face smug with the knowledge of his guilt. "He doesn't need me bugging him all the time."

"You're a piece of work," Madeline said. "Have you even talked to him?"

"About what? I've been busy and he has a family to worry about." Roy crossed his arms.

"Please," Madeline snorted. "Go back in your office and play Minesweeper or Candy Crush or something. Your delusions are giving me a headache."

Roy threw up his hands and went into his office slamming the door. Madeline grinned as she considered her next move. Roy was going through something he was obviously not ready to discuss. It was time to bring in the big guns. This was no time for games. Only the nuclear option would work on the man's rock hard head.

******
"That bitch!" Roy sputtered as his mother settled into the chair across from his and pushed papers to one side.

"Watch your language," Kendra said unfastening the ties on the picnic basket and opening up the two halves of the rattan cover. "I’m quite sure I don't know to whom you are referring."

"To whom? Mother, you don't talk that way unless you're about to give me a lecture."

"That’s nice dear. It seems you've met me before. Do you want roast beef or ham and Swiss?" Kendra asked sweetly, holding up one in each hand.

"That meddling, two faced cow," Roy said loudly, hoping said person could hear him through his heavy wooden door.

"When you were little, you only got mad at me when I was about to tell you something you didn't want to hear. You haven't changed much except you're bigger and less sneaky about it." Kendra placed the roast beef on a plate and pulled out a clear container. "How about some cole slaw?”

"I don't want lunch. I want to strangle a certain coworker who I should fire with cause."

"What would that cause be, dear? Not putting up with a sulking boss who is pretending he doesn't want to go out and play? Really, Roy. Stop acting so childish. It isn't becoming." Kendra scooped some slaw next to the roast beef and placed a pickle from a small Baggie next to it all.

Roy scowled and pulled the plate towards him. "You don't understand and it's none of your business."

"You're right," Kendra answered him with a smile. "If you don't explain it to me, I won't understand. As far as it being my business, you're my son. That's reason enough."

Roy shook his head. There was nothing to explain. His feelings were muddled, confused, and sometimes something bubbled to the surface that was wrong on all levels. That much he knew. His clarified moments of understanding weren't acceptable, not for a professional. It was easier to stay away and let them settle to the bottom of his being.

"Why are you so withdrawn?" His mother asked softly. "You are never this way, Roy. Even when you’d split from one of the beautiful losers, you’d recover within a day or two. This scares me a little."

Roy took a bite of his sandwich. It gave him a minute to decide what to say. His mother's eyes were on her meal but knowing her, there were stolen glimpses reading his face.

"I'm having feelings for an employee and I shouldn't," he said after swallowing his slowly chewed bite. "I feel guilty about it."

"Oh!" Kendra said in response. "Is that all?"

"I told you it was no big deal," Roy said. "I'm dealing with it as best I can."

"Does this guy know how you feel?" She asked. Her question and calmness infuriated him.

"Yes," Roy exclaimed expansively, throwing his hands in the air. "I went to his house and stood in the front yard with a boom box playing 'I Will Always Love You.' What do you think mother?"

"I think you use sarcasm as a shield when you're feeling vulnerable," she said. "I blame myself for giving you that Dorothy Parker biography when you were in high school all those years ago. Ever since then, you revert to snide quips when facing difficult situations."

Roy couldn't contain himself. He laughed out loud, his mother smirking at his twinkling eyes. "Remember when I got sent to the office when I told that cheerleader 'You can lead a hor-ti-culture but you can't make her think’?"

"I do," Kendra tried to look stern, but her upturned lips betrayed her. "That poor girl was in tears."

"She started it. She got all her friends to call me the Butt Burglar. It was payback," Roy snickered.

"If I recall, you were flirting with her boyfriend," Kendra said. "She knew you were after him."

"Jeremy Hightower was the cutest guy in my class. I was only a teenager," Roy giggled.

"Back to the subject in question," his mother said looking at Roy closely. "What is going on with you and that man?"

Roy shook his head and stuffed his mouth with slaw. He chewed slowly and thoughtfully as Kendra tapped her nails impatiently on the desk. "It's complicated," he finally said after swallowing.

"Try me," she said.

"I'm not sure he's ready for a relationship. When Justin was up last weekend, I could see how much his son means to him. He just got out of a messy marriage and…" Roy's voice trailed off. "I guess it has been a while though… "

"What has?" Kendra said pushing her barely touched plate to the side. She watched as her son’s face changed from a painful snarl to almost hopeful ease.

"I'd thought Chad had recently divorced Eileen, but Justin said it’s been seven years. It surprised me, that's all." Roy chewed thoughtfully on his thumbnail.

"Are you afraid to dip your toe in the water of another guy who is only now getting a grip on his sexuality?" Kendra asked. "At least I'd understand that."

"Maybe," Roy lied. The excitement newbies experienced had, at times, scared him. Chad didn’t seem the least bit pensive about his own sexual orientation. The man was nervous about how he should act, but in every case he'd taken to the situation without qualms or hesitation. At the drag show, he'd been more Chad not a different one. At the strip show, he'd been a happy participant. There was nothing really fearful about the man. He had the normal jitters of someone facing a new situation, but not the abject fear Roy had expected. Chad was nothing like those other men, what his mother called the ‘beautiful losers’.

Roy was actually more scared he'd fall for the guy and Chad would see him as a stepping stone into a new life. Instead of finding a partner, Roy would be the training wheels for yet another man moving from the closet to the board of the Pride Parade.

"My advice,” his mother said, interrupting his thoughts. "Is to get to know him better and then ask him out. You know, dating was invented for a reason other than to keep an eye on a woman's hymen. It was invented so people could get to know the other person before commitment."

Roy rolled his eyes. "Really, mother? A reference to a girl's virginity?

"I doubt any sexual comments I make could shock you, son. I was the unfortunate person who walked in on you and those other guys after your college graduation. If I can get past that little reenactment of Caligula's Bachelor Party, you can listen me talk about a woman’s virginity." Kendra's face was a little flushed but she looked more smug than embarrassed.

Roy's fifty shades of red left him speechless. That hadn't been his proudest moment. "I told you, I lost a bet and I don't want to ever talk about it again," he stuttered.

"Anyway, I think you should stop running away from him and tell him at least a little about how you feel. He deserves a chance," she said, flustered. "I bet he thinks he did something wrong."

Roy choked on his bite of his roast beef. That never even occurred to him. Chad's friendship had been so rock solid, he never considered how his behavior could have affected the man. "You think he's hurt by my issues?"

Kendra nodded. "But, enough about that. What should I get Tyrell and Hugo for a wedding present? I was thinking a nice silver cake knife etched with their initials. Does that sound good?"

Roy blinked at the sudden turn of the conversation. "I hadn't really thought about it. Is that on their gift registry?"

"I doubt it. It would make for a nice keepsake for the event, don't you think?"

The two of them chatted about the upcoming nuptials without commenting further on Roy's own dilemma. For that, the man was grateful. His mother cleaned up their picnic lunch and kissed him goodbye. Her final glance was one of concern, but they didn't speak of it again.

After finishing up another report, Roy garnered his courage and walked through his assistant's space into the open office overlooking the sales room floor. His hope that Madeline had returned downstairs was dashed. She was sitting at a computer entering something and didn't pause when he entered the room. Maddie might be tapping away at the keyboard, but he could tell she noticed him walk in.

"Remind me to pay you back for calling in my fucking mother," he said, trying to sound angry. He realized it actually came out a little whiny.

"I will," she answered without looking at him. "I like lilies, not roses. You know my favorite color."

Roy wanted to snarl a comeback, but he couldn't. He kept seeing Chad's hangdog face in his mind, looking lost and lonely.

"You know I hate you," he said opening the door to the stairwell.

"I know," she said brightly. "You will thank me someday."

Roy shook his head, but hoped she was right.

*********
"Hey Chadder, it's Roy. I wanted to thank you for fixing that lift this afternoon."

"You're welcome," The mechanic answered warily. Roy could hear the man change the phone to his other ear.

"How's your week been?" Roy asked as happily as he could. Hearing Chad's reticence pierced his guts like Supersonic Wings from Kelsey's Pub over in Dinkytown. They stabbed and burned all the way down.

"Okay, I guess," the man answered. "Thanks again for having us over last weekend. Maybe I didn't say it-"

"You thanked me plenty, Chad," Roy said, taking a deep breath. He smiled into the phone and recited his rehearsed speech. "I've been a little out of it, I know. Sorry about that. It's just, I had such a good time with you and your son and I, well, I got a little mixed up about things. It wasn't anything you did. I'm a bit of a drama queen at times."

The sigh of relief was audible even over the phone. Chad gushed, "I thought we pissed you off or-".

"No, Chad. It was all me and my issues," Roy said firmly.

"Oh," was all Chad said. "As long as we're still friends who can hang out."

"Of course," Roy answered. "Speaking of hanging out, are you ready for another lesson? I think it's time I took you to the Temple of the Gods." Roy contained his giggle. He'd just thought of it.

"Intriguing. I can’t help but wonder what that might be," Chad responded. "Is Peterson included in this outing too? I kind of promised him we'd keep him in mind."

Roy frowned. He wanted desperately to talk with Chad one on one and this would be the perfect place outside of work. There were plenty of quiet spaces where they wouldn't be overheard or interrupted. "I'm not sure Peterson would enjoy it."

"Roy, I told him we'd include him. I don't want to leave him out."

"Fine. You tell him and I'll make the arrangements." Roy started thinking about what he'd need to make this not seem insulting, especially to the pencil nosed geeky Peterson.

"Sounds great!" Chad said excitedly. "Oh, and Roy? Thanks for calling. I was concerned."

"Nothing to be worried about. We're buddies and I won’t let you down. I can be a little weird sometimes," Roy said. He could hear his voice shake a bit. He hoped the other man didn't notice.

"I'm glad," Chad said. "See you tomorrow."

"Yeah, tomorrow," Roy said. He needed a glass of water and maybe a cold shower.

Especially the cold shower.