Red Running Shoes - 18. Home Again

I waited in front of the departure gate, shifting my weight from one foot to the other. Of course Chris was nowhere in sight. We had to work on that communication problem of ours when it came to airports. I could barely keep myself from hopping around, because it was so freezing cold.

Damn! Fuck!

Just when I was ready to grab a cab, I heard someone calling my name. "Jonah! Hey, Jonah… over here!" Michael was waving at me with what looked like a grass green beanie. I would take that in a minute, and the gloves too, all in grass green just to be warmer.

How could I forget how freaking cold it is here around this time of the year?

Grabbing my suitcase and my duffle bag, I crossed the street. "Hey Michael, what about picking me up by the departure gate?"

"Yeah, man-with-grim-face,” he pointed over his shoulder at a security guard, “didn’t allow us to stop. Chris is waiting for us at the entrance of the main parking garage.” He took the suitcase from me. “How was your flight?"

"It was okay. I'm just a bit tired."

"Yeah, Chris told me you never sleep on the plane or the train. You hate that people could watch you; is that right?"

"Uh-huh. I hope the car is warm. I’m freezing my butt off."

"Well, it's not that bad yet, but then we haven't all just flown in from Sicily …"

As soon as Chris saw us coming, he jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. "Hey Jonah, sorry for not waiting for you at the departure gate, but…"

"Yeah, it's okay; Michael already explained everything to me. Man-with-grim-face and all, let’s just get into the car."

“He’s anxious for his butt.” Michael grinned.

“Well, we can’t have that, can we?”

Finally in the warmth of the car, I asked, "Where did you get me a room?"

"No hotel room for you, but our guest room. We'll give you the spare key; this way you can come and go as you please and we’ll be around just in case you need to talk to a friend."

"But…"

"No buts. You can use the kitchen, you have your own bathroom, and a TV; it's like a hotel room with a friend-to-talk-service 24/7." He seemed very determined on this.

I suddenly felt a lot better. "Okay, who could turn down an offer like a friend-to-talk-service 24/7?" I grinned. I knew I had great friends, it showed again when they didn’t pester me for my reason to return home so suddenly, but waited until I explained it to them in my own time.

***

When I woke the next morning I was still bone tired, but knew I could never go back to sleep. So I got up and went searching for my friends. And coffee. I found Chris in the kitchen, checking something on his tablet computer.

"Mornin'"

"Good morning Jonah, how did you sleep?" He held up a big thermos. "Coffee?"

"Yes please, with milk and sugar. Where is Michael?"

"At work, he starts at eight!"

"Oh yes, sorry, I forgot.” I grabbed the mug out of his hand. “Thanks."

"No problem. What do you want for breakfast? Waffles, cereal, pancakes?"

"I think I'll go out. I have a craving for Auntie's cheesecake."

"Really? Cheesecake for breakfast? Wow."

“Hmm.” I drank my coffee and was glad Chris knew me well enough as not to expect any small talk from me so early in the morning. From time to time he told me something he found interesting checking the online news stories, and I "Hmm-ed" or "Oh-ed?" in all the right places, at least I hoped I did.

After I had finished my coffee, I went back to my room to shower, before putting on some faded jeans, a white long-sleeved shirt, and a red hoodie. Then I searched my suitcase for my short black woolen coat, gloves, and a hat. This time I wouldn’t freeze my ass off, that was for sure.

I went to Chris's home office to say goodbye to him and he almost fell off his chair laughing when he saw me. "Hey, this isn't Alaska you know…"

"Well it certainly feels like that, at least when you’ve been living in Sicily for the last few months."

As I opened the door to Auntie's coffee shop, the smell of freshly brewed coffee and various baked goods welcomed me. I stopped and took in a deep breath. Aww, how I had missed this. Then I spotted Romeo behind the counter and knew it had to be my lucky day because he usually had the afternoon shift. "Hey Rome, how are you?"

He had always hated his name, especially when people kept asking him about Juliet. So one day I started to call him Rome. He liked it, and because Paris is his favorite city, he called me Paris. I know this sounds like two dorks go into a coffee shop…What can I say?

"Paris? Is that you? Oh my God! Where have you been?"

"I was in Italy, but then I had this craving for Auntie's cheesecake and I just had to come back for a visit."

"They don’t have that in Italy, huh?” He took a plate out. “There’s nothing better than my auntie's cheesecake.” While he balanced a large piece on the cake shovel, he asked, “And as always, a large vanilla latte–"

"Uh… no. I don't drink that anymore. Anything you could recommend?"

"Well, I know you like flavored coffee, so what about ‘Holiday Delight’? It's with hazelnut, and a slight flavoring of chocolate."

"Sounds awesome. I'll try that."

"All right, go find a table, I'll bring everything over to you in a moment."

"Thanks, Rome." I grinned.

"You're welcome, Paris." He grinned back.

Yep, definitely a good day.

I found a table near the window and thought I should have brought my laptop. In the end, I read the newspaper while I waited for my coffee and cake. A few minutes later Romeo put a small silver tray in front of me. "The cake is on the house. Have fun."

"Oh, wow! Thanks!" I didn’t even look up, my eyes were fixed on the plate.

It was as I remembered, pure heaven and this Holiday Delight coffee or whatever it was called wasn’t bad either. Breakfast as it should be.

I was reading an interesting article announcing an art exhibition, when I heard Romeo in the background enthusiastically greeting another customer. An all too familiar voice answered him, and I almost dropped my fork.

Fuck! Ren!

Why did he still come to Auntie's Coffee Shop?

"Ren! Good morning. What can I do for you today?"

"The usual."

"All right, one large cinnamon latte coming right up. What about an apple-cinnamon muffin to go with it?"

"I don't have this anymore.” He sounded irritated. “Where is your aunt?”

“She had an appointment this morning. We switched shifts. So, what is your ‘usual’ then?”

“One large coffee of Auntie’s special brand, black."

No, no, no please Romeo noooo.

I shook my head furiously no, but Romeo didn’t look my way.

"Hey Ren, do you want me to bring your coffee over to Paris's table?"

Maybe I can still get out unnoticed…

Or maybe not. Getting caught trying to slip out of the door, how embarrassing would that be? And I wanted to talk to Ren; it was one of the reasons I came home. I just wished I’d had some more time to prepare.

Shit!

"Who's Paris?"

"Your boyfriend? Or did that change as well?"

"If that is your subtle way of asking me if I'm single, yes, I am, and no, I do not want, nor do I need your matchmaking skills. Now that that's settled, just give me my coffee to go."

Yay.

"B-but I thought you and Jonah..."

Shit! No, no, no.

"Jonah?"

Hiding behind my newspaper, frantic thoughts flashed through my brain. I should lower the damn thing and look surprised in a ‘I’m suddenly deaf and didn’t hear any of your conversation’ way. I’m not exactly known for my acting skills, though, which was why I froze instead, my brain absolutely blank.

I came back to talk to Ren. It was just… I was totally unprepared to do it right now.

In the distance I heard Romeo’s voice. "Yeah, he's sitting over there by the window."

I listened anxiously as footsteps were coming closer. When they stopped beside me, I finally lifted my head.

"Jonah…" Ren looked at me as if he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to run or hug me.

"Ren…” I got up from the chair, almost tipping it over in my haste. “Um, hi, d-do you wanna sit down?"

"If I may."

"S-Sure."

I watched him pulling the chair in front of me out from under the table, taking off his black coat, hanging it over the back of another chair, before sitting down and then our eyes met.

"You cut your hair."

That brought me out of my daze. I fell back in my chair. "Um… yes, I felt it was about time."

"I see.” He took a sip from his mug. “So, are you here to visit your parents? For the holidays, maybe?"

What the hell?! Small talk?

"Um, yes, that’s one of the reasons." I almost whispered.

"Oh-"

We sat in silence. He drank his coffee while I picked my cake to pieces without really eating it. In my head I was searching for words, building complicated sentences only to discard every one of them while time was slipping through my fingers. I could feel it. He would be gone soon.

Damn it!

When I finally looked up, I saw him staring at me, subconsciously playing with the bracelets on his arm. One was a small leather braid, with a silver plate as a clasp, decorated with two Japanese characters. The other was made of silvery tube- like elements, threaded onto a string of leather or…

…hair. Oh Fuck!

When Ren noticed me watching him, he tried to hide his arm under the table.

And suddenly I wanted to know more about those bracelets. "I've never seen jewelry like that before. Very unusual." I gestured at his arm.

"Thank you.” He clasped his hand around his wrist, as if he wanted to protect them. “I had them made by a friend after I designed them."

"Really? Can I have a closer look?”

He pulled his hand from his wrist reluctantly. The first thing I noticed was that the edges of the clasp and the tube-like beads were a bit…rough. I could barely stop myself from testing it with my fingertips.

As if Ren knew that, he grabbed his mug and drained the rest of his coffee. I knew he was about to leave any second.

Now or never.

I touched his arm. "Ren, um… one of the things I wanted to do while I was here, was talk to you."

He frowned. "Now you suddenly want to talk to me? Why?"

I deserved that. "Um, don't you think we should talk a-about the things that…that happened before I-I…"

"Left?"

"Yeah.” Inhaling deeply, I tried to muster up all my courage. "I spoke to Michael. He-he explained what really happened at the restaurant, why you err… you know… with Eric.” I waved my hands about, inwardly berating myself for my idiotic behavior. I couldn’t even say the right words, for God’s sake. I took in another deep breath, knowing if I kept this up, I’d be hyperventilating soon. “I never gave you the chance to explain yourself to me. I assumed I already knew what had happened, because…well, I saw it with my own eyes… Um…and, you know what they say about assuming…. making an ass of you and me, and so…I'm so sorry Ren, for not trusting you, for forgetting everything that we had, and for jumping to conclusions. I-I realize now how much trust means to you. How important it is to you…" Lost for words I stared at my fiddling hands.

Fuck! That wasn’t what I’d wanted to say, what I’d wanted to ask.

He covered my hands with his. "No Jonah, I am sorry. I messed up. You warned me about Eric. Several times actually. Told me how he had changed from a nice and caring person to a self-centered, egotistical player. I thought I knew better, didn't think he was that bad.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I was wrong.”

I pulled my hands away. “Why did you still see him then?”

“Because he is ill and I thought he needed a friend.”

“What? He is ill? Are you sure this isn’t just one of his stories?”

“Yes I’m sure. He showed me the papers. It’s nothing life threatening, but serious. And please understand that’s all I can tell you. I won’t betray his confidence in me, even though he probably wouldn’t hesitate to dish my dirt. I learned my lesson.”

“Of course.”

"I wanted to tell you these things for so long, and now that I finally have the chance I don’t want to talk about him any more than is necessary.” He took my hands again. “I know I messed up again at the café, when I talked to Chris. I knew what Eric did to you and, consequently, how you felt about betrayal… and I still said all those awful things, fully aware what I did. I was so furious, so hurt that you didn’t trust me, I wanted to hurt you back just as badly, if not more. In my clouded mind, I reasoned I needed a level of trust you couldn’t give me. Not then, maybe not ever, so there was no need to hold back. With that one irrational, egotistical act, I forfeited any chance for reconciliation I might have had. I know there is no excuse for what I did, nor is there an explanation.” He let my hands go, leaned back and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

I was shocked. Somewhere deep down I had actually, stupidly, still hoped it hadn’t been true, that he never had said those awful things. But he did.

“You couldn't talk to me. I know that now. Michael told me you were sick, you broke down after seeing me with Eric. You even had to take meds…were out of it for hours.” He shook his head. “Agreeing to Chris talking with me was your olive branch. If I had explained everything to Chris that day… Oh my God, you don’t know how many times I yelled these words to my own face. But I didn't take this chance. Instead, I spewed out hurtful bullshit."

I could feel tears prickling behind my eyes, and finally I had to look away. "You purposely hurt me, Ren.”

“Yes.”

I nodded. “You’re right. I couldn't have talked to you immediately after that evening, not even the next day, or the day after that. Maybe I should have stayed until I could talk to you, but when Chris came home and told me what you said, I was so glad I had already booked the flight.” I waited until he looked at me. “I ran, just as Eric predicted I would. I believed every word you said to Chris. Of course I did.” I searched in his dark eyes. He needed to see me, needed to understand. “You don’t do that to someone you love, Ren, to someone you want to be with. Yes, I always ran; I never really faced difficult problems. This time I might have stayed, or come back after a week. But I believed you. I believed you cheated on me the whole time, that behind my back you laughed at me with Eric. Because you yourself said so.”

I pushed the plate away, the smell of cake suddenly nauseated me. “There were days I even doubted Chris and later Michael, because there was that voice in me that said you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose. That’s why I needed to talk to you in person. I wanted you to tell me right to my face, no more running away. Obviously that voice was wrong.” He flinched at my words and the idiot I was I felt bad about being that harsh. I couldn’t have that. “I have another question: Was that you a few days ago, on the beach in Sicily?"

He stared at me for a moment, his eyes unbearably sad and then he sighed. "You saw me."

"Yeah. Care to explain that to me?"

"From time to time I Googled your name in the vague hope something came up. Then one day I found this fashion blog. They raved that the young designer team they had featured several times in the past, had found their new face for the upcoming campaign. It was you. I had to go to Milan the next week anyway and while I was there, I went searching for their shop. I knew it was the right one when you were looking at me from their windows. Your hair was shorter, and with different glasses and clothes… I went inside and asked about you. The shop assistant told me a wild tale of how lucky they were to have found you through your boyfriend, the photographer, who was also a friend of theirs. I didn't believe him. I thought he just wanted to discourage me, the possible stalker, by mentioning this boyfriend. Then I saw this photo of you, naked, only wearing a hat and a tie back in the part of the shop where they sold their hats. I was shocked. It reminded me so much of the one I stole from Eric and at the same time it did not. In the end I bought one of those calendars, because the name of your photographer was on the back. It wasn't too difficult for me to find him, though I procrastinated for some time, anxious about what I would learn. He wasn’t only a photographer but made the hats in the shop and on your head. Then hope outweighed fear. I had to know, see it with my own eyes. I went to Sicily.” He scoffed. “I only stopped at the beach to calm my nerves. When I saw the two of you enjoying your picnic, I-my— I should have talked to Chris and Michael, explained everything to them earlier… I knew they could have contacted you; I just, I… waited too long…."

I had forgotten that we were in a coffee shop. I was oblivious to people probably watching us as we stared into each other's eyes.

"I love you baby, I still love you … and I always will …" I could see the tears glistening in his eyes, he squeezed my hands, almost hurting me with it, before he got up and left without looking back.

"I love you too, you moron…" I whispered. But he couldn’t hear me anymore.

***

I came home and went straight to my room and threw myself on the bed. Hearing Chris bustling about somewhere in the house, I was suddenly thankful that I was not in some anonymous hotel room, but with my friends. I got up to look for him and found him in his office, watering the plants.

"Hey, how was your cheesecake?"

"I met Ren at Auntie's."

"Oh shit!" He put the watering can on the floor. "And what happened? Are you okay? Did you guys finally talk?”

"Yeah, you could say that. If I’d known he still goes there… I was so shocked when I heard his voice, I tried to hide behind my newspaper."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, I know. I came here to talk to him, but I thought I had time to think about it, you know, what I was going to say and all. And then he was standing in front of me. But I think it was okay; in hindsight, maybe it was even a good thing that I had no time to fret."

Then I had a sudden revelation. "Chris, you didn't call Ren, did you?"

When he tried to avoid looking at me, I insisted. "Chris? Don't tell me you actually called Ren and told him that I was going to be at Auntie's!"

After some hesitation, he almost shouted, "No I didn’t call him! I knew he still goes there sometimes for his morning coffee, never in the afternoon though, as he did with you. You wanted to talk to him and I thought if he is there, so be it. The less time you had to think about it, the less wound up you would get."

I tried to stay calm, inwardly counting to ten. "I can see where you're coming from Chris, but you must know that I absolutely loathe it when people always try to think for me. Never do that again. Did you get that?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, okay? I just thought that… okay, I should have told you."

"That's right. You really should have."

I went to the kitchen for a bottle of water. After drinking some, I'd calmed down enough to go back and tell Chris about my conversation with Ren. Then I described Ren's unusual bracelets and watched him carefully, while asking him, "Chris, what did Michael do with my braid?"

Chris looked uncomfortable. "He gave it to Ren."

"What? Why would he do something like that?"

"Ren asked Michael for it when he told him he had it."

"Do you know why he wanted it?"

"No. Why?"

"I think he had someone make him the bracelets from my hair."

"No shit!"

"Yeah. I don’t know what to think of that, to be honest."

"Maybe it's just his way to try and cope with the whole situation."

"Yeah, maybe."

“Or it’s just creepy.”

“Or that.”

"You and Sandro are still okay?"

“Yes. I even offered for him to come along, but he didn’t want to.”

“So why come back to talk to Ren? Opening old wounds and such.”

“I didn’t only come back to talk to Ren. I wanted to see my parents too.” I sighed. “Okay, yes, I mainly came back to talk to him. I wanted to apologize for running away without giving him a chance to explain himself to me. And I needed him to tell me everything in his own words.”

“But you couldn’t talk to him back then and afterwards at the café—”

“Yeah, I know. I still needed him to tell me to my face.”

“Wait! Shit! You thought I—”

“I’m sorry, Chris. Maybe I clung to a farfetched hope because I couldn’t believe he’d do that to me. I needed closure also.”

“But you believed I would do that to you? Betray you?”

“To protect me, yes, the thought occurred to me.”

He stared at me and then he nodded. “Okay. I don’t like it, but I understand where you’re coming from.”

“Thanks, Chris.” I smiled. “Ren was in Sicily.”

“We didn’t tell him, Jonah! You have to believe me—”

“I know. He Googled my name and some fashion blog apparently talked about Luca and Daniele’s ‘new face’.” I snorted. “When he was in Milan he went to the shop, saw my photos in the windows, and bought one of Sandro’s calendars. I guess he found him on the internet.”

“Shit! So you already talked in Sicily?”

“No. He saw me with Sandro and - ran.” I snorted again.

“But that isn’t all that happened. Right?”

“No. After seeing Ren, I-I talked with Matteo and he thought it was finally time to face my problems, rather than running away from them again. I thought that maybe talking with Ren would give me some clarity, but it didn't…” I closed my eyes and willed the tears away. “I don't know what to do, I just don't…" I put my face in my hands. “Shit!”

"All right. Maybe we should try another approach. Tell me what you're feeling now? " Chris asked.

"I know that I still love Ren. After seeing him today, I'm absolutely sure, despite what he did. And I also know that I love Sandro. Oh God, what a mess!”

"Okay. Are you sure Ren would want to be with you again? If there was a possibility of having another chance, that is?"

"No. I do not know that. He said he still loves me, but we didn't talk about… you know, being together again."

"And what about Sandro? How did he react when you told him you wanted to come back here to talk to Ren? Or didn't you tell him?"

"Of course I told him. He said he loves me, and he understands that I'm confused. He said he can’t imagine loving two men, but he understands that it is possible and that I need to find out where I stand. But I know I hurt him with my damn indecisiveness. The only thing he asked of me was not to sleep with Ren if I decided to go back to him, but come back to Sicily and talk to him first. Shit! I'm such an ass. I'm no better than Eric."

"Please. You’re nothing like Eric. You need to think about all this. It takes time and you’ll have it while you’re here." Then he fiddled with the seam of his sleeves. “I need to tell you something else.”

“No.”

“Michael and I aren’t together anymore.”

“What?! I don’t believe it! When did this happen?”

“A while ago. We made a mistake, Jonah. Michael can explain it better than I can.”

"Did you split before or after you came to Sicily?"

"After."

"Jesus Christ, Chris! I’m really sorry to hear this, but…I guess we all should just, I don’t know, join a convent or something."

We looked at each other for a moment and then we both cracked up. Because somehow laughing was much better than crying.

***

After we calmed down I went back to my room and lay down for a while. When I heard someone knocking at my door and realized it was already getting dark I knew I must have fallen asleep.

The door slowly opened. "Jonah? Are you okay?" It was Michael.

"Oh hey, come in. What time is it?"

"It's four already. Were you sleeping the whole time?"

"Yeah, I had a headache and wanted to rest until the meds kicked in. I must have fallen asleep."

"Aren’t you hungry?"

"Thinking about it, I am. Do you know what? Let's go out - just you and me. What do you think?"

"Um, okay. So… Chris said he told you the news?"

"Yeah, he did. I'm still shocked though. What happened? Ah, no, let's talk about that later. Come on, I’m in the mood for Chinese. Bamboo Garden?"

***

We sat across from each other and sipped our jasmine tea, when Michael said, "So, I heard you met Ren today?”

"Yes. But before I tell you everything I meant to ask you something. He had those unusual bracelets. Do you know anything about them?"

"Yes. I made them."

"You made them?"

"Yes, it's a new hobby of mine. I made them after Ren told me about his idea. You know how he is, at first I thought it was–”

“…creepy? Obsessive?”

“Yeah, maybe. But when he explained to me why he wanted them, it wasn’t anything like that anymore. It was sad and sweet. Did you see the clasp and the little tubes? The silver metal I used for them has sharp edges, it will rub through the hair eventually, and the bracelets will break. Maybe he’ll even lose them without noticing it. He said as long as he can feel them on his wrist, he still has hope. One day they will be gone. Then he will know he has lost you forever. Don't look at me like that. To me it sounded like his way of saying farewell, and I had to agree to make them for him."

"Well, fuck!" The other guests looked a bit startled and I lifted my hand apologizing.

"More tea?" Michael grinned while lifting the teapot.

Then the waiter brought our food. It looked as delicious as I remembered it and I quickly spooned some of the fried rice onto my plate. "So what happened with you and Chris?"

"I think what happens to many couples. At first we were over the moon, but then we realized somehow we were still just friends. With benefits. The only excuse we have is that he came out of a bad relationship. In my case it was unrequited love." He smiled at me sadly.

Oh shit!

“I enjoyed the attention; I loved the caring, and the feeling I finally belonged to someone. But that is not love."

"I'm so sorry, Michael. What are you going to do now?"

"I found an apartment in the same complex where your old apartment is. When I was looking after your things, I met the landlord, and mentioned I was looking for a new place, and he told me there would be an apartment ready to move into next month. And don't be sorry; it's not your fault."

"We should think about this monastery thing. Think about it, a life in celibacy and prayer Brother Michael …"

“Fuck off!” Michael laughed. “I would rather make my mistakes and learn from them than living like that.”