Dangerous Liaisons - 8. Chapter 8

We all stayed with Daniel, speaking in soft voices, watching him sleep until about ten o’clock when the stress of the day got the better of Mrs Owen and she literally collapsed, crying quietly. Her husband insisted that she needed to have a proper rest and that was impossible in the cramped hospital room where the only furniture was a bench and one hard arm chair. They kissed Daniel, who barely stirred in acknowledgement, and left to check in to the closest hotel.

I curled up in the arm chair making myself comfortable as best we could. Now and again a nurse would come in, smile at me, check on Daniel and then leave. Other than that no one disturbed us and before very long I fell asleep.

When I woke the next morning I had absolutely no idea where I was. I was stiff and sore and disoriented. Before I even had a chance to stretch an amused voice startled me.

“About bloody time. I thought you were going to sleep all day. I am bored, bored, bored. Come and amuse me.”

I turned my head so fast that my neck creaked loudly in complaint. Something small and white fell from my hair to land in my lap. I picked it up as another one joined it. Examining it carefully my eyes widened and then lifted incredulously.

“Were you spitballing me?”

Daniel shrugged and grinned. “I TOLD you I was bored.”

Laughing I ran my hands through my hair and stood up stretching to easy my cramped muscles. Daniel’s grin widened.

“Tease. You wait until I get you home.”

Relaxing I examined him carefully. He was sitting up, leaning forward and hugging his knees with a broad smile on his face. There was no trace of the previous night’s confusion. His eyes were bright and clear, even laughing at me and, although he was still a little pale he looked... normal.

“How are you feeling?”

“I told you. Bored.”

“Yeah, I got that. It isn’t what I meant and you know it.”

Daniel yawned and ran his hands through his hair. “I’m fine, still a little sleepy but that’s nothing. Hey, you weren’t worried about me were you?”

“What do you think?”

“I think you worry too much and should have more faith.”

“Faith. Huh! I’m up to here with faith.”

“No. No you’re not. Faith has nothing to do with religion it has everything to do with love and trust. I had faith in you, never doubted you for a moment. You should have had faith in me.”

“I tried. I really did try. I knew that you would be strong, that you would not let them break you but I was so afraid that they would hurt you because of that.”

“They did. But life is pain. No harm done.”

“Daniel, I can’t bear the thought...”

“Then don’t think. Come here.”

He reached out his arms to me and I climbed up onto the bed and let him pull me close. His lips on mine were soft and warm and he felt strong and powerful. I was swept by an overwhelming sense of relief. It was over, it was really over. Daniel was safe.

It took me a remarkably long time to come to the realisation that we were kissing, in public, in a hospital bed, with god knows how many people outside any of whom might come into the room without warning at any time. I pulled away, my face red.

“Don't. Someone might come in.”

“So?”

“Well... it’s hardly the place...”

“It’s exactly the place. Right here, right now is always the place.”

“For you maybe. I’m not so... open. Remember what happened last time someone walked in on us.”

“I don’t think I will ever forget.” But even then he was laughing.

When the door opened a few moments later I gave him an ‘I told you so’ look and prepared to get down off the bed. But before I did that I turned...and froze.

“Hello Joshua... Daniel.”

“What the hell are you doing here? Get out.”

“Josh, please...”

“Get out now. How dare you come here? How dare you show your faces? This is your fault, all your fault.” Daniel put a calming hand on my shoulder but I was so angry I shrugged it off and slid off the bed, getting to my feet. I would have advanced on them but Daniel had grabbed my hand and would not let go.

“Joshua. I appreciate you are upset.”

“No. You don’t appreciate anything. If you did you would never have done this. Daniel could have been killed...”

“Don’t be so ridiculous Joshua, that would never have happened. Rev Shaw was trying to help him.”

“Help him? He put him in hospital! Look around. THIS is how he helped him. How dare you!!! After everything that happened how DARE you defend that man?”

“Joshua, calm down.”

“I will not calm down. Do you have any idea what you did? Do you know what that man DID to Daniel? I can’t believe you would come here. I hate you. Get out of this room, get out of my life I HATE you. I never want to see you again.”

I would have completely lost control at that moment if it had not been for Daniel squeezing my hand.

“You don’t mean that Josh.”

“Mean it? You have no idea how much I mean. Just get out.”

“Josh. Please. We never meant for Daniel to get hurt. We just wanted... we were...”

I looked up into my mother’s face. It was dead white and streaked with tears. She looked so unhappy and in that moment I was GLAD. I wanted her to be unhappy, I wanted both of them to be unhappy. I truly did hate them.

“I don’t care what you wanted. All I know is what you did. It was unforgivable.”

“Joshua. I understand that you are upset, I can wholly accept that. But do not forget what brought us to this. You betrayed us. You disrespected us and betrayed out trust in you... in our own home.”

“I did WHAT?!! You make me sick. After all of this you can still talk about betrayal with a straight face. I did not betray you. I had sex with my boyfriend, the most wonderful, beautiful person I have ever had the good fortune to meet. You welcomed him into your home, he gave you nothing but respect and kindness... you liked him. And because he loves me you betrayed him.”

“It’s not quite as simple as that is it Josh?”

“Simple? Life isn’t supposed to be simple. It’s supposed to be complex and filled with challenges. And Daniel has been there beside me for every one of them, helping me, supporting me, loving me.”

They actually winced and it made me even more angry. “When I went to visit Daniel’s parents; when I saw how much they love him and support him. When I saw how accepting they were I was actually ashamed of you. Your narrow minded bigotry has made you blind. You wouldn’t know love and beauty if it smashed you in the face.

“I made a mistake. I readily admit that. I made a huge mistake, more than one. But it wasn’t making love to Daniel, it was hiding the truth from you. Can you imagine... I was actually trying to protect you. I didn’t want you to be hurt. I can’t imagine what I was thinking. When was it ever going to be a good time to tell you? I should never have hidden it.”

“Joshua. You are not what you think you are. You are young, you are still just experimenting. You will...”

“What??!! Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare!!! Don’t say that I will get over it, or grow out of it, or come to realise it is wrong. It isn’t. I’m gay. That’s right. I’m gay. I have always been gay and I always will be gay. Live with it... or not. I don’t care. I am not going to get over it, or grow out of it and I am damned sure that I am not going to feel guilty about it.

“Daniel is my boyfriend. If I have anything to do with it he will always be my boyfriend. He has given me more in the time I have known him that you have in the rest of my life. I love him. Do you understand? I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I don’t care whether you like it or not. I don’t care if you can accept it because I don’t want to spend another moment in your presence. I don’t want to know what you think or what you feel or what you want. I don’t want to know you. I hate you for what you’ve done. I hate you.”

“Josh.” The one soft word cut through my anger like a hot knife through butter and it faded as I looked into the earnest blue eyes. Daniel smiled at me and in the light of it I could not hold on to the anger any more. “They’re your parents Josh. They did what they thought was best for you. Don’t hate them for that.”

“What? You can say that? After what happened you can say that. You think they did the right thing?”

“No. Of course I don’t. But I think they did the best they could. They dealt with a difficult situation in the only way they knew how, out of love for you. It was the wrong thing to do but they didn’t know that. They’re your parents Josh. Don’t say things you are going to regret. Don’t close the door. Life’s too short for hate.”

“Don’t you hate them? Don’t you hate that man for what he did to you?”

Daniel hesitated and for the first time I saw the flicker of doubt in his eyes, but then he shook his head and smiled. “No, I don’t hate them, and I don’t hate him. I never did, even when it was happening. It was... never an option. I had faith in you. I knew you would come. I knew I would be safe. I trusted you. It was... a difficult experience but it wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I know that they thought they were doing the right thing. The things they did weren’t done in hate so why should I hate them for it.

“There’s no hate in my Josh, there never has been. You know that. I am not diminished. Don’t diminish yourself with hate. They are your parents. They love you and you love them. I won’t come between that. I can’t. I don’t know if they can come to terms with what you are, whether they can accept us but... that’s another matter, that’s for them and I can’t influence that. But I hope that I can influence you because if you do this, if you drive them away because of me, because of this... then you will always regret it and it will come between us and it will be like a cancer every time you should be with them. I won’t be responsible for that Josh. I won’t.”

I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. With anyone else I might have doubted their sincerity, their truthfulness but I knew Daniel so well. He never said what he didn’t mean. He had no need. He was too open, too honest, too straight. I glanced up at my parents and they were both staring at Daniel. I held my breath.

“I’m sorry, truly sorry.” Daniel was looking directly at my father, not the slightest hint of shame, accusation or embarrassment. “I take full responsibility for what happened that night. Josh didn’t betray you, I did. He didn’t invite me into his room, I sneaked in and he tried to ask me to leave but I wouldn’t listen. I had my reasons... and they are my own, but they weren’t Josh’s.

“I understand that it must have been a terrible shock to you and I am very sorry that we lied to you. It was never something I was comfortable with and I regret it. I am not a deceitful person and I have never lied to you in any other way. I do respect you, and I respect that you stood up for your beliefs and for your son. I’m sorry that I hurt you, that I caused you so much pain.

“But I am not sorry that I met Josh. I am not sorry that I took him by the hand, that I found the courage to look into his eyes and see beyond the shallow creature you created. I am not sorry that I found the passionate heart that beat within that cold breast, behind the nervous eyes, the shy smile. I will never regret that I met Josh, and if I had to go through these last few days again to be with him, then I would.

“I don’t want to come between you and your son, and I won’t. But I won’t walk away from him. I won’t give him up. I won’t lie to you again and so I am not going to tell you that I have any intention of changing who or what I am. And I have no intention of encouraging Josh to either.”

My parents were stunned, I could tell. To be honest, so was I. I had always known that Daniel was an amazing person but I had no idea... Even so there was a heaviness in my heart at his words, a coldness that brought tears to my eyes. They were beautiful but... but to me, empty.

“I appreciate your honesty Daniel, and your magnanimity, and so I will give you the respect of being honest with you. In many ways I am a rigid and uncompromising man. I appreciate this but it is the way I am, the way I have always been. What you and Josh did... what you are... it goes against everything I believe in, everything I am. I can’t accept it. I can’t accept you.”

I opened my mouth to say something but then I saw my mother. She put a hand on my father’s arm and shook her head at him. Slowly she walked around the bed until she was standing directly opposite me, looking down at Daniel. She looked nervous, as if she was laying her hand on a lion’s head. Daniel met her gaze steadily with no challenge, no defensiveness, no shame.

“Do you love him? Do you love my son?”

Daniel turned to look at me, his eyes unreadable and my stomach flipped, a coldness gripping me and squeezing my heart. In that instant I realised what it was about Daniel’s words that had so disquieted me. When I had spoken I had talked about how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, when Daniel had spoken he had simply said he was not prepared to change and that he had not regretted what we’d had. Apart from that one comment on the night we were caught Daniel had never said he loved me, never promised me anything beyond the moment.

Giving me a long, searching gaze Daniel suddenly smiled, tears springing to his eyes. “Love him? Love Josh? From the moment I first set eyes on him I have known that I will never know a moment’s peace when he is not with me. He possesses me, every waking moment, and dominates my dreams. All the time I was being held I never had moment’s fear a moment’s doubt that he would find me, that he would save me, because he already had.” He turned his face back to my mother, squeezing my hand. “Yes, Mrs Stearn. Yes, I love your son.”

My mother smiled, a shaky smile. “I can’t pretend that I understand, that I am altogether comfortable with this, with... But I am a mother Daniel, and I love my children. To a mother there is nothing more important that to see her children happy and being taken care of by someone who loves them. I know that Joshua is a good man. I know that he will make a good life for himself but I have been... concerned that it didn’t seem that he was happy in it, that there was no one to share it with him.

“In all honesty I can’t look into your eyes, I can’t see the way they shine when you talk about my son and not be happy for him. I believe that you are a good man too Daniel and that you will look after Josh, take care of him.” She turned to my father who was staring at her, his face like thunder. “I’m sorry John but I can’t believe that this is wrong. Look at what our beliefs have done.”

She drew herself up and squared to him. “You said yourself that Daniel was good for Josh, that he had brought him out of himself. He IS good for him. They love each other, genuinely, truly. God is love John. If we don’t believe that then what’s the point?”

“But Mary, it’s WRONG.”

“Maybe... but not for them. It’s so right for them.”

“We’ll talk about this later.” He turned and walked out. My mother leaned down and hugged Daniel. She looked over the bed at me but I wasn’t ready, not yet. She seemed to appreciate that and gave me a weak smile before following my father.

“Well that was fun.”

“Fun? You have a bloody strange idea of what constitutes fun.”

“I’m just bloody strange. It’s what you love about me.”

I looked down at him and suddenly the tension left me. His eyes were sparkling with an invite I couldn’t help but take him up on. The next time that someone came into the room, a few minutes later we didn’t even come up for air. I have no idea who it was but they didn’t stay long.

Daniel’s parents came about mid morning and by then we had run out of steam. Well I had. Daniel is shameless and would have made love to me then and there if I had let him. I thought at the time that it was just his usual thirst for adventure, pushing the boundaries, but I wondered later whether maybe it was something more, whether he had something to prove to himself. Whatever the reason I would not give in to his urging.

For a long time after I had spurned his advances we just lay on the bed in each other’s arms simply relishing the closeness.

“You said you love me.”

“What?”

“To my mother. You said you love me. You said it the last time too, when they caught us.”

“Did I? I must have been delirious.”

“Don’t Daniel. Please don’t mock me. I need to know.”

“Could you doubt it? After everything that’s happened. How do you think I got through? What do you think I had to hold on to in there? Of course I love you.”

“You know I love you.”

“Yeah. I know.”

We would have kissed again but that was when the Owens arrived and spoiled our fun.