Weeping Lily - 3. Chapter 3

The first thing that Jayden became aware of was pain, a jarring, insistent pain in his head that, bit by bit, drew him away from the cool safe darkness towards the harshness of consciousness. At this stage he didn’t really know why he wanted to hold on to the darkness he only knew that he really didn’t want to wake up.

The next thing that filtered through was the voice. It seemed quite a nice voice, sincere and urgent, calling his name, calling him back.

Finally he could ignore them no longer and, with a groan he allowed his eyes to open. The lids felt as though they were glued together, they were sticky and gritty at the same time and, at first the light hurt.

There was a face hovering over him, nothing more than a pink blur. Presumably this was where the voice was coming from. It was even more urgent now.

“Jayden, Jayden... I know you can hear me. I know you can. Wake up. Wake up now.”

He closed his eyes and groaned again. His mouth was dry and he tried to lick his lips but it wasn't happening and only made him gag.

A hand slid under his head and raised it as something was pressed between his lips. He drew eagerly on the straw. This time it wasn't water... wasn’t just water, it was sweet.

“Easy now, not too much. Take it easy or you’ll choke.”

The straw withdrew leaving his mouth slimy but bearable. Groaning again he opened his eyes and this time it was easier and less painful. After a few blinks the pink blur swam into focus, looking anxious. For a moment before memory returned he almost smiled, then he shook his head to clear the last wisps of darkness.

“What the fuck!?”

“I’m sorry Jayden. I’m really sorry. I... I don’t know how it happened. I... got it wrong. I think the drug reacted with the one I gave you before. I should have been more careful.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry Jayden. I’m really sorry. I gave you too much. You scared me, I thought you were never going to wake up. I thought I’d killed you.”

“How... how long have I been out?”

“Too long. Way too long. It was supposed to have been 4 or 5 hours and it’s been three times that long. You... you were moaning and calling out as if you were in pain and I was so scared. I was so scared Jayden.”

She sounded plaintive. Incredulously Jayden realised that she was looking for reassurance from him.

“Forgive me if I don’t give a damn how you felt. You gave me a drug overdose. I could have died. Let me out of here. Let me go.”

“No, it’s alright. It’s alright now. I won’t make that mistake again. I’ve checked it all out and modified by plan. You’ll be alright now, I promise.”

“Alright? I’m not alright. You’ve kidnapped me, drugged me and almost killed me. How can I possibly be alright?”

“Calm down Jayden, you’ll make your head hurt.”

“It already does... now... let me go.”

“I’m not going to let you go Jayden. I made a mistake and I’m sorry. I promise I won’t make a mistake like that again. Trust me.”

“Trust you? You’re a crazy woman. The last thing I am going to do is trust you.”

“You don’t have an awful lot of choice. You’re not going anywhere and not trusting me isn’t going to change that.” Suddenly her voice changed, hardened and she leaned forward, her eyes burning. “Now, I am going to be spending sometime time with you. I want us both to get to know each other. And I really don’t want to have to give you more drugs right now but if I have to I will. Trust me that, if I want to I can make you talk until your throat bleeds but I would much prefer it if you did it because you want to and not because you have to.”

Jayden was shocked silent and the girl, taking his silence as encouragement smiled again, her eyes lightening.

“I made a real effort tonight. I so wanted to make myself pretty for you. And I wasted half of it watching you sleep.”

She sounded almost accusatory and Jayden couldn’t help his eyes widening in surprise. Smiling she stepped away from the bed and pirouetted. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re insane.”

She turned on him blazingly angry, practically frothing at the mouth. “Don’t say that! Don't you ever say that! It you say that I will hurt you.”

“What? More than you already are?”

“I haven’t hurt you.”

“Oh no, sorry, you only almost killed me.”

“Be careful Jayden, be very careful. I could take it all the way if I wanted to, very easily. What do I have to lose?”

There was a certain light in her eyes that made it perfectly clear that she meant every word she said and it came to Jayden very forcibly just how easy it would be for her practically and emotionally, to kill him. “I... alright... alright... have it your way. I’ll play the game. What do you want me to do?”

“Tell me how pretty I am.”

“You’re very pretty.”

“Which bit is the prettiest? What do you like best? My eyes? My hair? What about my dress?”

“The dress is lovely.”

“Don’t you like my hair and my eyes?”

Considering they were snapping again he hastened to assure her that her eyes were very beautiful. His head was still throbbing painfully and it was hard to think, to concentrate. With a jolt he realised that he was sliding, slipping back towards the darkness and, much as he would have liked to embrace it and escape the nightmare it occurred to him that his life might very well depend on his keeping on the right side of her and besides keeping her talking meant stopping her putting more drugs in his body.

“I... I’m not feeling well. I can’t concentrate. I don’t understand what you want from me.”

She peered closely at him then nodded, her face, incredibly, filling with concern. It was terrifying how quickly her mood changed. “Of course, I should have realised. Never mind, let’s just talk. If I talk at you then you are just going to fall asleep, so you start.”

“Start?”

“Talking.”

“Talking about what?”

“You, of course. I want to know you Jayden. I want to know all about you, all the things that no one else knows.”

“Um... I... I don’t know what...”

Siona sat down on the bed and took his hand. “Tell me about your family, your parents, brothers and sisters. Tell me where you grew up, what you were like as a child. There’s so much I want to know.”

Jayden frowned. “I... I’ll try. I... was born in Manchester and moved to Guildford when I was five. My father is a... is a... a mechanic and my mother a nurse. She worked at a hospital, with children...occupational therapy.”

“That’s so great. My mother’s a nurse too. Not in a hospital though, a private clinic. They only do beauty surgeries. I work there too. I’m a clinical technician, which basically means I do all the jobs the nurses don’t want to do. I don’t have to work there but it’s fun. I get bored otherwise. Do you have brothers and sisters?”

“Two sisters, one older, one younger than me.”

“What are they called?”

“Anya and Kelly.”

“Anya’s a weird name.”

“I didn’t pick it.”

“Do they look like you?”

“No, nothing like me. They’re blonde like my mother with blue eyes.”

“Do you look like your father then?”

Jayden suppressed a shudder, which she didn’t seem to notice. “No, although he is darker than my mother and has brown eyes.”

“Is this your natural colour?” She buried her fingers in the soft silky, raven black locks that fell to his shoulders. He had to work hard to stop himself pulling away.

“Um... yeah, yes... yes it is... er... apart from the blue bits.”

She laughed. “Wow, it’s amazing, so dark... pretty much black. I always assumed you dyed it. Do the others? The rest of the group?”

“Some of them. Ashton does, and Cal of course, he changes it pretty much every month. Rik does, but only bits, he’s naturally dark too, and Luc’s Italian so he doesn’t need to do anything.”

“Cool. I knew you had to be dark because of those amazing eyes. I never understood what people meant when they said ‘liquid brown eyes’. I mean how can eyes be liquid, it’s silly? But now I understand. You’re eyes are... freaky. They really look as if they are some kind of liquid, molten metal, flowing and changing, like gold only darker. Brown like chocolate, melted chocolate. I could lose myself in your eyes.”

Jayden blinked, flushing uncomfortably and turned his head away. He mumbled. “I’m not so special.”

“Don't say that! You are special Jayden, more than special. You’re amazing. Everything about you is amazing.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“You don’t take compliments very well do you?” He shrugged. “You should work on that. Refusing to accept your gifts is in itself a conceit. It’s simply a matter of fact Jayden. You are special. You are very beautiful and you must know that. Everything about you is beautiful, and I mean everything. Your face, your hair, your voice, your eyes, your body, the whole package.” She giggled. “Believe me, I looked.”

Jayden’s eyes widened and he glanced down at himself. He was still covered by the black duvet but he had never felt so naked. Shaking on the inside he closed his eyes and swallowed heavily.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to take advantage of you. This is about love and not sex.”

Speechless, he nodded.

“Were you happy? When you were a child. Were you happy? Were you close to your family?”

“No, not really. I never fit, not anywhere, not until the group got together. Being with the others, it was the first time I ever felt I belonged.”

“Why did it feel like that at home?”

Swallowing bile to fight the burning ashes in the pit of his stomach Jayden forced himself to be calm and shrug non committally.

“Just one of those things I suppose.”

He couldn’t quite manage to keep the pain from his eyes as the echoes from the past lashed out to lick him with tongues of flame. ‘Different. Different. Different...doesn’t look the same... doesn’t act the same... not mine... not mine...’

“What’s the matter?”

“What? Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me Jayden. I told you I want to know everything about you, the good and the bad. Don’t hide anything from me.”

He looked at her, the fire turning cold “No. Talking to you is one thing but if you think I am going to bare my soul to you then you really are insane.”

“But that’s exactly what I want, what I am expecting... no demanding from you. You will tell me, one way or another, you will share the darkness of your soul, the things no one else knows, that makes you who you are. That’s what is going to bind us together, make us one.”

“No. There are things in my life I have never shared with anyone and I am certainly not going to start with you.”

“Will you please stop that? You just don’t get it do you? Please try to understand Jayden... you don’t have a choice.”

“Of course I have a choice. You can’t make me talk to you.”

Siona sighed heavily. “Jayden, when will you learn? When will you get it? Keep up with the plot. I know you are not feeling too well but, really, you are not THAT stupid. I have explained this to you many times. I WILL make you talk to me if you won’t do it willingly. Drugs can do more than just make you sleep.”

Jayden went cold and stared at her, his eyes wide. “You wouldn’t.”

“Of course I would, I told you so.”

“But... but... you... you can’t.”

“I can, and I will if I have to. I hope I won’t have to...”

“No... no I can’t... I... I just... I don’t think I can.”

“Of course you can. Look, just relax for a bit and I’ll tell you about me.” Jayden flinched as she stroked his hair but it just made her smile.

“I have three siblings, two sisters and a brother, all older, all married with children, all in good jobs and married to people with better ones. My father is an investment banker, he works in the City most of the time. He has lots of investment properties, all over the world and we have lived in most of them at one time or another. I have never really put down roots anywhere, never made proper friends, never had a chance

“When I was little we had nannies and I spent more time with them than either of my parents. Then, when I was about thirteen my mother finally caught on to the fact that her children were strangers, their childhoods slipping away from her with nothing to show but strangers who had no connection to her other than a sense of duty.

“She sacked the nanny, gave up her job and wanted to be a proper mother, although her idea of being a proper mother was taking me out of school and travelling the world being my ‘friend’. Oh we had fun but what she didn’t realise was that, in taking away my nanny and my school, she took away the only stabilising influences in my life, my only chance to learn how to form proper relationships.

“I didn’t know it then, of course, my understanding came much later courtesy of one of the shrinks who have poked about inside my head practically ever since.

“I have travelled to more countries than I can name, learned to speak seven languages fluently from native speakers, fallen in love more times than I can remember and can cook cuisine from all over the world.

“But I have never had a proper relationship, no best friend, no boyfriend, never stayed anywhere long enough. I hardly know my father, or my sisters and brother. I’ve never met some of my nieces and nephews.

“I have been showered with money, belongings, opportunities but never had a love, a family, a home.”

“The closest I ever came to a home was the ‘family home’ an estate in East Sussex, a beautiful old house in amazing countryside. We lived there pretty much all the time until I was seven and seriously started travelling with Dad and then Mother and we came back for weeks sometimes months at a time as I got older.

“Then Daddy sold it, right out of the blue. The recession hit him hard and he needed the money. It was too expensive to run so he just sold it. I never even had a chance to go back once to say goodbye. I found out in an email after the event.

“That’s when I decided that I wanted to have a life of my own, someone to love, someone who was there only for me, who would never let me down, never betray me, always be reliable. That’s when I decided to have you.”

“You can have that person without all this Siona. You can have a relationship with someone that’s real.”

“Someone? Not you?”

“No, not me.”

“But that’s not possible Jayden because it has to be you.”

“Why? Why does it have to be me?”

“I’ve been preparing this for the longest time, years. I picked you because you are so beautiful and you are not arrogant. Everyone says you are quiet and gentle, that fame doesn’t matter to you. You are perfect....perfect for me.”

“There are others out there who are just as perfect, who will love you for who you are and who won’t need to be forced.”

“Don’t, Jayden. Don’t try that, you are only making me angry. I have made up my mind. Now tell me.”

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me things about you that no one else knows, secrets, things that have happened to you, things that you have never told anyone. Tell me who you are on the inside, on the dark side. Tell me what’s happened to you.”

“Nothing, nothing happened to me.”

“You’re lying to me Jayden, I can tell. Don’t lie to me. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”

“Siona...”

“Anabelle, my real name is Anabelle. You can call me Bella, everyone does.”

“Bella... I... I can’t just... just... There are some things that hurt... that... that I just... just can’t...”

“Yes, you can; you must; you will.”

“Why is it so important to you?”

“Because I need to know the real you, the one no one else knows. I need to bare your soul, strip away all the layers you’ve built up around yourself, as we all do. Then, when you build it up again you’ll build it up with me. I’ll be there, at the very heart of you. At first you will grow to trust me and then to love me.”

Jayden swallowed, trying to keep the abject horror out of his eyes.

“So tell me, Jayden. Tell me what lurks in the darkness of your soul.”

“I don’t have darkness in my soul.”

“Oh yes you do. I saw it looking out of your eyes. That’s one of the reasons I chose you.”

“It’s an act, surely you must know that. We all put on an act, it’s for the image.”

“Oh, I know that. I’ve seen the act, but I’ve seen what lies beneath too. Stop trying to divert me, to put me off – talk to me. Tell me why you were unhappy when you were a child.”

“Alright, you win. I was unhappy because... because...” He stopped, biting his lip, finding it surprisingly hard to talk about it, even now, even after all this time, everything that happened. “I was unhappy because I was different, so very different, so different that my father would never accept I was his son. He... rejected me at every opportunity, taunted me, had blazing rows with my mother over me, so that in the end she hated me. My sisters couldn’t handle the rows, the atmosphere, and they hated me too... I don’t think it was surprising that I was unhappy.”

“Do they still hate you?”

“Yes, I don’t speak to any of them. I have no family, not any more.”

“That’s sad. At least my family is there, in the background, safe, somewhere to go when I need help. Okay maybe they are smug and they are disappointed in me but they do love me in their own way.

“How did you deal with it, all that negativity? Did you hate them back?”

He looked at her with shadowed eyes, for an instant the pain raw and open, clear for her to see. She was delighted and rewarded him with a bright smile and gentle touch. She stroked his face and he closed his eyes swallowing bile and an acute stab of pain.

“No, not even at the worst of times. I never hated them. I... I... I hated me.” Shockingly he found that there were tears stinging his eyes and he blinked them away fiercely.

“I... dealt with it by avoiding it. I got away from them as often as I could, put everything I had into whatever I was doing. I suppose part of me was hoping that something I did would get through to them, make them proud of me... just once, but nothing ever did. No matter what I did, how well, what I achieved, I never had any approval, any... love.

“So I came to the conclusion there must be something wrong with me. I looked at other parents the way they were with their children, saw the hugs, the kisses. I never had that, they never touched me, not in that way. So there must be something wrong with me. I hated my difference, hated myself.

“When I hit puberty the hatred turned to anger and I got rebellious. I suppose I hated myself so much I stopped caring about what happened to me. I pushed everything and everyone away, I started smoking, drinking, taking drugs... anything and everything I could get my hands on that made the world go away for a while. I suppose I had something of a death wish. Nothing was out of bounds.”

“So what happened? What changed?”

“Nothing. I was lucky in my friends. I could so easily have gone completely off the rails. I could have ended up dead or in prison, but I had my music and I had the band, the guys. They were always there. They understood. They never judged. They knew why I did what I did and they never tried to stop me or lecture me or disapprove of me, just accepted.

“They never did those things, the stupid, self destructive things. They just got on with their lives, picking me up every time I fell down. Bailing me out when I screwed up. Drawing me into the music, involving me in their lives.

“Through them I got to see how proper families worked, I got hugs and approval from other people’s mothers.”

“Was that hard?”

The sound of her voice startled him. He had been lost in the past, caught up in the pain. His stomach lurched as he realised what he had been doing, how close he had come to telling it all, the whole story.

“Yes, it was hard. It was unbelievably painful but I gradually came to realise that it was my family who had the problem and not me, that I was not this hideous monster worthy only of date and disgust. I started to think that maybe there was something in me that was worthy of love.

“People started listening to our music, liking it, liking my words, my voice. I actually started hearing other people singing my words back at me, had people coming up to me and thanking me for understanding. They told me I put words to the things they were feeling, things they thought no one else could understand.

“I suddenly realised that I wasn’t the only one who was hurting, the only one who felt different, who hated themselves and suddenly I realised I didn’t hate myself any more. I hated the situation, hated the way I felt about it but I didn’t hate me.”

“That was a big step. How old were you?”

Jayden stared at her, his stomach and mind churning, twisting with pain. This was getting too close... too close. He could not keep the pain out of his voice.

“I was fourteen.”

“That’s young, very young to be dealing with all of that. You are very strong and very brave.”

“It’s not brave to wake up and realise you’ve been living in your own world for too long, to realise you’ve been wallowing in self pity all your life.”

“I doubt that’s what you were doing, but even so, there are people who never wake up. It takes character, strength and courage.”

“Whatever.”

Bella laid her hand against the side of his face and he didn’t pull away, he simply stared at her, his mind a whirl of confusion.

“You’re just like me. You don’t realise it but you are. You’ve been hurt, isolated from the world, had to find your own way out. You are strong because of it, just like me.”

“I’m not like you.”

“Yes you are, and one day you’ll realise it, one day soon.”

Jayden closed his eyes, his thoughts battering him, tossing him about like a boat in a storm.

“Did your parents hurt you Jayden?”

“What!?” His eyes snapped open and he jerked away from her, his heart hammering.

“I know they hurt you by rejecting you but did they hurt you physically? Did they hit you?”

He shook his head, his eyes wild. “Don’t go there Bella. Don't even think of going there.”

“Of course I am going to go there. I want to see you... the essential core of you, stripped bare. I wasn't to see the darkness of your soul. I’ve seen part of it but I want to see it all.”

“Bella, please... don’t. You have no idea how dark my soul is. I’ve immersed myself in that darkness for almost quarter of a century and it isn’t just part of who I am any more, it’s all of what I am. You can't strip my soul of darkness because it is darkness and if you try to strip it away you will destroy me.

“You have no idea what you’re doing, what you have already done. Please don’t go there, It’s a place I can’t go... won’t go.”

“Yes you can, you will. I’ll help you. That’s what I’m here for. We are both dark, you and I and our darkness will mingle, make us impenetrable, unstoppable. I will make you strong Jayden, take you places you have never dreamed you could go, with me you will fly.”

“No... Bella you have no idea what you’re doing... what you’re doing to me. Stop. Stop now.”

“You still don’t understand do you? I can’t stop, not until I have it all, until I have penetrated every barrier, broken down every wall. It’s only then, when you are broken down to our lowest level, when you are completely open to me, when nothing is hidden, nothing is left... only then can our souls become one; only then can you truly love me, truly be mine.”

“You’re insane.”

“Don’t say that! You don’t understand that’s all.”

“Fucking right I don’t understand. You say you love me but all you’ve done is hurt me.”
“That’s necessary, unfortunate but necessary. It’s being cruel to be kind.”

“It’s just being cruel.”

“You’ll understand Jayden, in the end you will understand. Now, tell me what did they do? What did your parents do to you?”

“No... not that Bella, anything but that. Don’t do this to me... please.” There was an edge of hysteria in his voice, a creeping madness that was as familiar as his own name.

“No, you still don’t understand because the more it hurts to go there the more important it is that I do.”

“Not that Bella. Stop it! Stop pushing me. You have no idea what you’re doing. You’ve no idea what it did to me, what it made me do.”

“Hush now. I can see how upset you are. It’s alright, Jayden, it’s alright.”

Jayden was appalled to find that he was crying, tears rolling down his face unchecked, uncontrollable.

“Don’t cry beautiful angel. It’s good... the pain is cleansing.” She wiped the tears with her thumb. “I’m not hurting you; I’m helping you.”

“No... no... please... please try to understand... you ARE hurting me, you are hurting me more than you can begin to imagine. I was... damaged... broken. I have... have managed to put the pieces together again but it was hard, really hard. Please... please don’t break me apart again. Please don’t make me do this. I can’t do this, not again.”

Bella stared at him for a long moment and then her face softened and she smiled.

“It’s alright Jayden. Don’t be afraid. I understand. I know it’s too hard for you. It’s alright, I won’t make you fight with it.”

Relief flooded him, making him feel nauseous and weak although he was not sure it wasn’t too late. The relief, however, was short lived and vanished when Bella got up and walked around to the other side of the bed... to the wooden box.

“What are you doing?”

“Helping you Jayden. You may not realise it but I am.”

“No! Not that! Don't do that... don’t...”

But she ignored him, drawing up a syringe from two of the bottles. Somewhere deep in his mind something fragile shattered and, for the first time, he raged against his bonds, throwing himself from side to side, straining against the straps. Bella tried to talk to him but he was way beyond hearing, understanding or caring.

Watching him thoughtfully for a while Bella loaded liquid from a third bottle and injected it into the line. Then she sat back and watched as Jayden’s struggles grew weaker, until he relaxed into stillness. He was not asleep, his eyes were half open, unfocussed but aware.

Bella smiled and sat down again. She carefully wiped the tears from Jayden’s face, and let her fingers linger, smoothing his hair flat, brushing strands away from his face.

“You have nothing to fear, Jayden, not from me. Be still and I will help you become whole. You are so beautiful.” Almost automatically she leaned forwards until her lips brushed his. They were warm and soft. He sighed gently as she brushed her lips across his, parting them.

Unbidden her hands strayed to his neck, his shoulders, his chest, slid down beneath the duvet... and then she stopped. Pulling the duvet back up to cover him she smiled, a strange, gentle smile.

“Not yet. Soon, but not yet. When I touch you I want you to be fully aware, want you to touch me back. I can wait. Now let’s get you sorted. I know you want to talk to me. You do, Jayden, don’t you?”

He didn’t respond and she laughed.