Weeping Lily - 27. Chapter 27

The car journey back to Kelly’s home was tense and passed mainly in silence. Jayden alternated between dozing and staring bleakly out of the window with dull, hunted eyes.

Kelly stole glances at him from time to time. The bruises were standing out livid against his pale skin and she was concerned that he might have been more badly hurt than he was letting on. On the whole though, it was the pain on the inside rather than that on the outside which concerned her.

She spent some time thinking carefully about what she was going to do when she got him home. Her head had been in a spin since she’d got the call. There were a lot of plans that needed to be made. Thank God Lyndon understood. He was a good man who didn’t deserve the screwed up family he had married into. Ah well, he’d known the score beforehand. She had never made a secret of her past or the ghosts which inhabited it.

He had taken the girls safely out of the way. She had known Jayden would be in a bad place and didn’t want her family involved in something that was going to be hard but which she had always known she would eventually have to do... face her past. That was what bringing Jayden home represented for her; there was no doubt about that.

The past was something that had never been far away from her thoughts. She had struggled with her demons for all of her adult lives... sometimes winning sometimes being pulled under. As a result she fully understood the torment that was going on inside the pretty head that was resting against the window, rolling gently with the movement of the car. The question was... what precisely was she going to do about it?

Of course she had a plan, but she wasn’t fully committed to it, not yet. It was drastic and she wasn’t at all sure that she wanted to go down that road. Everything was ready though, just in case. She gazed at her sleeping brother. Even fast asleep there was a frown on his face and it hurt. She had forgotten how beautiful he was. It was hard to be reminded of it because it was something she had been envious about.

As strange as it might sound, despite everything their parents, and particularly their father, had done to him, she had still been jealous of him; of his beauty, his popularity, his confidence. She had been a podgy, self conscious, plain little girl, at least in her own head, while he had been dark and exotic, self contained but outgoing and with the voice of an angel. She had, at the same time, worshiped him and hated him with all her heart.

For a long time after their parents were imprisoned she had hated him. Now she realised that this was because of brainwashing; the constant drip of poison from the mouths of her mother and father, into her ear. ‘He’s different, not the same, disobedient, not like us, not one of the family, not good, not safe. He’s deceitful, dishonest, unreliable; he can’t be trusted. He’s trouble. He’s lying. He’s dangerous. He’s evil. He’s not your brother, not your friend, not worthy of love, of forgiveness, of life.

It had been hard to get over that and she had struggled helplessly for years. But then she had heard about the kidnapping and waited anxiously for news. She had realised that she had been wrong all these years to try and block him out of her mind. He was part of her, part of all this mess and the only way she was ever going to resolve anything was to confront it head on and that meant confronting Jayden too.

However, when she had seen him in the hospital there was no chance of confrontation. Somehow, something had changed and it had taken her by surprise. Finding her completely incapable of hating him it had taken her some time to work out what she felt instead. Now she was sure and she was going to make sure that Jayden was properly looked after.

As soon as they got back to the house she went upstairs and ran a bath. When she came down again Jayden was sitting in exactly the same place she had left him, at the kitchen table staring at a now cold cup of coffee.

“Come on. Let’s get you upstairs. A nice hot bath is what you need to relax you and make you muscles less sore. I’ll get a pair of Lyndon’s pyjamas, they’ll be a little big but a lot more comfortable than those tight clothes.

“Where is Lyndon?”

“When you rang me I thought it would be better for you to have a little time to yourself, to relax so he’s taken the girls away for a few days.” She brushed the hair away from his face, her fingers gently skating over the purple bruises on his cheek. “It’ll give you some space to get your thoughts together. Hopefully in a couple of days you’ll be back where you belong.”

“I don’t mind Kelly. It is their home after all.”

“And it’s your home too Jayden, as long as you need it to be.”

A tear squeezed out of the corner of his eye and Kelly wiped it away. “Thank you,” he choked.

“Don’t you dare. There is nothing to thank me for. I’m your sister: end of.”

Dumbly Jayden nodded and Kelly smiled. “I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready hun. I’ll make you something nice to eat.” Again Jayden nodded automatically and turned away from Kelly as she closed the door.

When, after an hour she hadn’t heard anything from him Kelly went back upstairs to find Jayden collapsed on the floor of the bathroom. He was curled up on the floor hugging himself and sobbing.

“Oh darling, don’t... please don’t. It’s going to be alright. I’ll help you I promise.”

Kelly dropped to her knees and took her unresisting brother into her arms. She was alarmed by how much he was shaking.

“Hush now. Be easy Jay. It’s over now, you’re safe. You’ve had a hell of a forty eight hours hun. You’ve been all the way up and all the way down and you’ve been in a bad accident. You’re probably in shock. Just try and relax and take it easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just rest and tomorrow we can think how to fix this.”

“You can't fix it,” he choked. “No one can fix it. No one can fix me.”

“Oh Jayden, baby... you can be fixed. I can fix you. I promise I can fix you.”

“No one can.” He repeated in a small, exhausted voice.

“We’ll see. For now you are going to be going straight to bed. You’re in no state to come downstairs.”

“No.”

“Yes. Come on, get to your feet.” Her voice contained a note of command that he could not ignore. With Kelly supporting him he managed to get up and stagger into the nearest bedroom where Kelly allowed him to sink onto the bed, after she had stripped back the covers.

“There you go,” she crooned as she settled him back onto the pink pillows. He closed his eyes and she stroked the wet hair away from his pale face. He was white as a sheet, the only colour being the purple of the bruises which stood out lividly along his cheekbone and down the side of his face.

“Are you in pain? Are you hurt anywhere?”

“Yes. Everywhere.”

She smiled. “Anywhere in particular?”

“Yes.”

“Jayden hun, you are going to have to be more specific than that. I’m quite concerned about you. You have terrible bruises and you might be hurt more badly than you think.”

“My head hurts, and my face, and my side and my back and... everywhere.” He sighed then jumped and hissed and Kelly and her hands over his ribs.

“Ow... that hurt.”

“I know, but I don’t think you have broken anything. It looks really sore though. What about your head? Did you pass out at all?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm... you really should go to the hospital to make sure you haven’t got a concussion.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Cal will find me,” he said simply and Kelly sighed. There wasn't really anything she could say to reassure him on that point.

“Well, alright but I am going to wake you up every hour to make sure you’re not doing anything silly.”

“Silly?”

“Yes, like going into a coma or something equally stupid.” She smiled at him but got nothing in response. He closed his eyes again and didn’t see her frown.

Jayden sighed with pleasure when cool, gentle fingers brushed over his forehead and he felt himself slipping towards sleep. He forced his eyes open and tried to sit up but Kelly pressed him back and the pain in his side persuaded him not to argue. Allowing his eyes to slip closed he relaxed again.

“Rest, Jay. You’re totally worn out. Try and get some sleep and when you wake up we can talk.”

He opened his eyes and looked at her from under heavy lids. “I can’t. I don’t want to.”

“Yes you can sweetheart. You’re exhausted. Your body’s telling you that you need to rest.”

“No.” But he was fighting a losing battle and she could tell he wasn't really fighting at all. Gently she stroked his hair and cheek until, with a deep sigh he slid over the edge and the metre of his breathing told her that he was asleep. Even then she sat for a time looking down at him, watching with a small smile on her face.

She was in the kitchen talking on the phone when she heard the screaming.

“I have to go; it’s Jayden.”

“Okay. Give me a ring in the morning and let me know how it’s going.”

“Will do.”

“And you will come won't you? Soon? You’ll bring Jayden here.”

“Of course I will. He’ll be happy to come. He wants to see you.”

Hanging up she hurried up the stairs and threw open the bedroom door.

Jayden was clearly asleep and just as clearly dreaming. Whatever he was dreaming about, it wasn’t good. He was thrashing in the bed, sweating heavily, his hair plastered to his face. Sobbing and moaning he cried out; “No, no please... please no, don’t, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me any more. No, Noooo.” And then he screamed as if in pain before dissolving into heartrending sobs again. Through it all he didn’t wake.

Kelly watched him for a while and then, with a strange look on her face, she sat beside him on the bed and stroked his face while calling gently; “Jayden, Jayden sweetheart wake up. It’s time to wake up now, you’re dreaming honey. It’s just a dream. Wake up now.”

For a time there was no response, although he did calm down somewhat and then, with a shocked gasp his eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright.

“It’s alright. It’s alright honey. Take it easy now, you were dreaming.”

Jayden shuddered and fell back onto the pillows, still giving little hiccupping sobs. Kelly dragged the sodden strands of hair from his face and looked into his haunted eyes with concern.

“Alright now?”

He stared blankly at her for a moment then shook his head.

“Kelly I...”

“Don’t say it Jayden.”

“I can’t do it. I can’t...”

“Yes you can,” she said firmly. “You can do anything you want to do.”

“No, no I can’t. I can't Kelly. I... Cal... I couldn’t let him love me. I keep going back. Every time... I go back and I can’t stop it. I can’t keep the pictures out of my head. I close my eyes and I’m back there, in that room in the basement and he... he... I can’t Kelly. I can’t do it any more.”

He was weeping again, the sobs starting as catches to his words and suddenly bursting out in almost hysterical, deep gulping sobs.

“Woah now. You are going to hyperventilate. Come on, calm down. It’s not that bad Jay.”

“But it is,” he wailed. “It is that bad. Don’t you understand? I’m broken and I can’t FIX myself. I can’t BE like everyone else. I can’t love. I can’t be loved. I can’t let him touch me. When he touches me, when anyone touches me I want... I need pain and I can’t... and it’s getting worse because it’s not enough any more. Nothing is enough. I need pain all the time. And the dreams...” He coughed and shuddered.

Despite everything Kelly was shocked, unprepared for the force of his grieving. Impulsively she pulled him roughly into her arms but he was stiff against her.

“I can’t stop it Kelly. I thought I could but I can’t. Every time I close my eyes, every time anyone holds me or touches me I’m back there. I’ve got better at pushing it away, pushing it down but it doesn’t go away. That room, the things that happened there, the things he did to me there... it’s haunting me.”

Suddenly he moaned and pushed her away violently. “I can't bear it,” he cried struggling to get out from under the cover which was pinned by her body. “I have to get out of here. I have to find someone who can drive the picture away. I have to hurt Kelly. I have to hurt. I can’t stand it any more. I can’t stand the pictures in my head.”

Finally getting free of the blankets he tried to leap from the bed but Kelly caught him and pulled him close to her, holding him with a surprisingly strong grip. He felt frail, his struggles weaker then she had thought they would be even though there was a frantic desperation to them. He was clearly in pain but ignoring it... maybe feeding off it.

“Let me go,” he begged. “Please, please let me go I can’t do it any more. I can’t... I have to go.”

Jayden’s eyes were wide and scared. There was something there, deep within that screamed of madness and a pain so intense that a body could not hold it. Kelly held on to him tightly. No matter how hard he struggled he was still too weak to break free and eventually the pain defeated.

“Jayden... please... be quiet. If you stop struggling I will help you. I swear that I will help you Jayden. Just listen to me... please listen to me and then... then, if you really want to I will let you go.”

“You can’t help me.” He said softly all the fight abruptly going out of him.

“Maybe I can. Give me a chance... just one chance Jayden... please.”

“I...” Squeezing his eyes shut he gritted his teeth. “I... can’t...”

“Jayden...” she said softly and sadly. “I know. If you want to hurt I will hurt you... if that is really what you need, if there is no other way I will help you.” Jayden went still. “I don’t want to but I will. You are in no condition to go running off into the night in a strange place looking to be hurt... because you will be. Here... in this place I can promise you will be... you’ll be lucky to keep your life. I can’t let that happen. Before I let that happen I will do... I will do whatever I have to do to keep you safe.”

“You... will?”

“If I have to.”

For a moment she saw him struggle, to try and beat the pain, to batter it down without having to be hurt by it but, in the end he crumbled and whispered into her shoulder. “You do.”

“Then come with me.”

Taking him by the hand she led him into the bathroom. Lifting down a key from a hook high up on the wall next to the medicine cabinet, she unlocked the doors, swinging them out so that Jayden was suddenly face to face with himself in the mirror. He hardly recognised the person he saw there. The image in the mirror was shocking: the face a pale oval, the eyes dark and haunted, the cheeks hollow and the planes sharp. Raising one hand he touched his cheek and was surprised when he felt the touch at the same moment the fingers in the mirror met the cheek of the ghostly image.

The door swung back and instead of his own face he saw Kelly’s; almost as pale but set and determined. She had a long narrow box in her hand.

“Come on.” Taking a towel from the side of the bath she went back into the bedroom and Jayden followed, too numb to be interested in what she had in her hand or what she was intending to do with it. Spreading the towel on the bed she told Jayden to take off his pyjama top and lie down on it.

“I don’t want to do this Jay; but if it keeps you safe... You don’t have to go out there to find pain; you can do it yourself, safely in here. But if I share this with you then you have to promise that you will go and see Helen as soon as possible so you can beat this; that you won’t keep doing it. It’s only a temporary thing.”

Stiffly and dully Jayden nodded. Kelly smiled and laid a hand on his bare chest. He flinched. Opening the box Kelly took out the long slender blade of a surgical scalpel. Jayden’s eyes widened.

“Are you still sure?”

He nodded, keeping his eyes on the knife.

“Don’t worry. I am not going to hurt you any more than you need to be hurt. I don’t want to do this to you baby. I really don’t want to but I don’t know what else to do. Avoid the wrists... people will see and ask questions and it’s too easy to make a mistake and cut too deep.” Laying the knife flat against his stomach she saw the muscles tighten, trembling. Looking up at his face she noted that his head was thrown back, his eyes half closed, panting with anticipation. For a moment she hesitated... was this really the right thing to do?

Sitting down on the bed Kelly gently stroked her brother’s chest and stomach, feeling the barely contained trembling under the skin.

“Are you sure Jayden, are you really, really sure.”

In response and taking her completely by surprise he shot out his hand and grabbed her wrist, turning the knife to slice deeply across his stomach.

“Jay, no...” She yanked her hand away gazing in horror at the long, deep wound. “Not so deep. There’s no need to make it so deep. Like this.” Lovingly she drew the blade across the skin. Jayden shuddered and arched his back.

“More... please... more.” He gasped.

“No... not now. I have to take care of the mess you made... don’t worry, that is going to hurt enough,” she said sternly.

Standing, Kelly looked down for a moment at the blood running over Jayden’s side soaking into the bed beneath him and she sighed, shaking her head. She was going to have to flip the mattress and re make the bed.

When she came back from the bathroom Jayden had pulled himself up to half sit against the pillows and was raking his fingers across the wounds on his stomach, breathing heavily, his eyes half closed and his body trembling.

“Lie back down. That wound needs stitching if you don’t want half your insides to fall out when you stand up.”

“S... stitching.”

“Don’t worry... it’s going to hurt.”

“I... I.I...” His face was calm now, his eyes somewhat worried.

“Relax... I won’t hurt you any more than I have to.”

“That’s okay.”

Sitting down again Kelly opened the medicine box and took out a bottle. Unstopping it she poured some of the content into the deeper wound. Jayden bucked and hissed, gritting his teeth.

“Relax... you’re lucky I’m not using salt,” she said sharply, annoyed at what he had done and the mess it would leave her to clean up, in more ways than one.

“Salt would be okay.” His voice was sharp with pain but there was something else there too, under the surface, that made Kelly shiver.

Slowly, taking her time, without bothering with any kind of anaesthetic Kelly cleaned, stitched and dressed the wound. When she had finished Jayden was shivering, his body covered with a patina of sweat.

“Are you okay now? Do you need more?”

Jayden opened heavy eyes and stared at her. Slowly he shook his head, his eyes dark but calm. “No... no more.”

“Good. Can you get up?”

“Of course.”

With Kelly’s help he got off the bed and stood, stretching. Glancing at the bed his eyes widened at the sight of all the blood. “That’s a lot of blood.”

“Hmm... next time show a little more restraint. I don’t know if I am ever going to get it all out of my bedclothes.”

Jayden’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry.”

Kelly put her hand to the side of his face and smiled. “I didn’t know Jay. I didn’t know how bad it was or I would have been more careful. Yes, I was annoyed about the mess, at first but after... after you... I’m sorry Jay. I’m sorry for everything.” He looked so sad and for a moment she really didn’t know why.

“Kels I... it’s been hard for us all. I missed you but I understood. I always understood. I never hated you, not like... like some of the others, not really. I missed you.”

“I missed you too. But it’s over now. Soon it will be all over, when you’re better; when you find peace.”

They stood for a while with their arms around each other, Jayden’s head resting on his sister’s shoulder.

“Kelly how... how did you know... about this?” Jayden asked softly. “Why do you have those knives?”

Kelly looked at him levelly and thoughtfully. Then she said softly. “You weren’t the only one who was damaged by what happened Jay. We all have our scars to bear.”Lifting her t-shirt Kelly showed Jayden her stomach which was criss crossed with scars. Jayden gasped and, on impulse hugged her, grunting as it tugged at the wound on his stomach.