Weeping Lily - 29. Chapter 29

Kelly picked up the phone on the second ring. “Hello?”

“Is everything set?”

“Yes hun. Don’t worry; we’ll be there.”

“Does Jayden know you are coming here?” Anya sounded very nervous.

“No, of course not,” Kelly said reassuringly. “Don’t worry it’ll be fine once I get him there.”

“Is he... I mean. How is he?”

“Pretty fucked up.”

“Oh.” Anya sounded as if she was about to cry.

“Not having second thoughts are you? We don’t have to come. You don’t have to see him.”

“No – no I... I want to. I want to see him, I want to... It’s just...” There was silence for a long moment. “It’s been a long time Kelly. I don’t know how I will feel when I see him.”

“You’ll feel the same as you always have. Trust me Anya, don’t worry about it.”

“What’s he like?”

Kelly laughed. “We’ve been over this a hundred times, Anya. He’s Jayden. He’s the brother we grew up with, the same person we’ve always known. The Jayden we’ve been watching on TV doesn’t exist. The Jayden I’ve seen is the same pretty, sweet, screwed up little Jayden he always was.”

“Has he... hurt himself again?”

“Only once. Since then he hasn’t really been up to it.”

“Are we doing the right thing Kelly, bringing him here? I... I don’t...”

“Calm down Anya. You get so upset about things; you’re as bad as Jay. We talked about this over and over. We have to do it. We have to get closure. Jayden can’t go on like this; he’s going to burn out. And we’ve waited for so long to confront our demons. The only way that any of us can move on is if we do this and we have to do it at the house.”

“I know but... but maybe now isn’t the time. Maybe when Jayden is stronger...”

“When Jayden is stronger he will go back to being Jayden the superstar and he won’t come back at all. Besides, Jayden isn’t going to get stronger, not now.”

“Alright. I’ll be ready.”

“Don't freak on me now Anya,” Kelly said softly. “Trust me. This is the best way – for all of us. After today we can all finally lay the past to rest. I’m a Psychologist: I know.”

“I do trust you Kelly, I really do. I... I’m just nervous. I don’t know how I am going to feel when I see him. I just don’t know if I can do this.”

“Of course you can. You’re strong Anya. All of this has made you strong, like me. I’ve been planning this for a long time, hoping that we would have a chance to get all of us together. I’m sure it’s going to be the catalyst for healing, that it will finally end the pain... for all of us.”

“But are we doing the right thing?” Anya persisted. “Jayden...”

“Jayden is damaged: you have no idea how much. He can’t go on like this, none of us can. If I just let him go back he is going to keep looking for pain and eventually he is going to find more than he bargained for and it will kill him. We’re all in pain hun, and we have to end it; to lay the past to rest once and for all.”

“I know,” Anya whispered.

“Then stay strong, just until I get there and I’ll take care of everything, of all of us. Trust me.”

“I will. I do.” She sounded stronger but there was a definite tremble in her voice.

“We won’t be long.”

“Okay. See you.”

Putting down the phone Kelly wandered upstairs. Jayden was asleep. He spent a lot of time asleep and she let him. He rarely slept peacefully but today he was; his hair tousled and his face relaxed. Fondly she stroked his hair out of the way.

“Oh Jay, where did it all go wrong? Why did it all go wrong?” She sighed then stripped the blanket off him. He was naked and the wound on his stomach stood out lividly. Other, shallower cuts slashed angrily across his chest and arms. She shivered remembering how she’d had to wrest the knife out of his hand, afraid he would cut too deep again. Frankly, the depth of his pain had scared her. It was violent and raw and she almost changed her mind about taking him back – almost.

But it was the only way. For all of them, going back was the only way forward.

“Jayden,” she called gently as she sat down on the edge of the bed. He didn’t stir. “Hey sleepy. Come on, you’ve been asleep for half the day. The sun is shining and we’re going on a trip. Open your eyes. Come on, come on.” Playfully she tickled him and he squirmed, moaning sleepily but still not waking.

“God you’re a heavy sleeper,” she chuckled. “Ice cold water next, I think. Jayden, come on, sweetheart it’s time to wake up.”

Finally he started to seriously stir and blinked open eyes that were still heavy with sleep.

“Good morning Mr Van Winkle.”

Jayden frowned in deep puzzlement. “Who?”

Kelly laughed. “Rip Van Winkle. It’s a fairy story, remember? Mam used to read it to us.” A shadow passed over her face but she forced a smile. “He slept for 50 years after dancing with the fairies. Have you danced with any fairies lately Jay?”

He smiled warmly and yawned. “I don’t know about fairies but I’m ready to believe I slept for fifty years and I’m ready to sleep for fifty more.” He peered at her with a twinkle in his eyes. “Although I must say that the last fifty years have been kind to you.”

“Cheeky,” she laughed. “Well, it may not have been fifty years but it’s past noon and we’re going out, so go and take a shower while I get some lunch.”

He sat up, still yawning. “Going out? Where?”

“It’s a surprise.” His eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Surprise? What do you mean, surprise? You haven’t set me up have you?”

“Set you up?” For a moment her heart thudded. Did he know?

“With Cal. You’re not taking me to Cal are you because I’m not ready?”

“No hun, I promise. I wouldn’t do that to you. I promised and I always keep my promises. This is an altogether different surprise.”

For a moment he stared at her, the suspicion lingering in his eyes, then he nodded shortly and yawned again, running a hand through his hair. Kelly reached out and caught a heavy lock in her fingers. She twirled it thoughtfully.

“Why do you dye it blue?”

He shrugged, glancing at the turquoise streak that ran through the jet silk she was holding. “It’s pretty and it’s only bits,” he said with little interest.

“Yes, it is pretty... it’s very pretty.” She frowned. “All of you is very pretty... on the outside.” He glanced at her and she smiled, shaking her frown. “Well, at least it’s not as wild as Cal’s.”

“No,” he said, carefully retrieving the hair and then turning his head away, “Not that wild.”

Noticing the shift in mood she covered his hand with hers. He turned to stare at it. “It’s going to be alright Jay. Cal loves you and you love him and it’s going to be okay.”

For a moment Jayden met her eyes but he couldn’t sustain the gaze and he turned his looked away again.

“Come on, get yourself showered and I’ll make something nice for lunch.”

“I’ve got a headache, can I take one of your painkillers?”

“You’re taking too many of those.”

“I know. I just... “ He stopped and hung his head low, letting his fingers roam unconsciously over the sore skin on his chest and stomach. She stroked his fingers and smiled gently.

“I know hun, but you have to take it easy.”

“I know. I do. I am. I will... but...”

Kelly squeezed his hand. “It’s okay. Do what you need to do but I’m warning you... I’ve given you a few days and soon everything changes. I am going to end your pain Jayden, I promise. I’m not altogether sure how, not yet, but I am going to do it.” He looked up and smiled but with little conviction.

When Kelly had gone he lay back and stared at the ceiling. He felt numb. At least he didn’t have that desperate screaming pain any more; he no longer felt the need to experience pain, to hurt himself so much that the memories no longer could.

Idly his fingers trailed over the bumpy line of stitches on his belly. Experimentally he tugged at one. A single bright sliver of pain shot through him and he hissed, having no desire to do it again. More gently he traced the other cuts and found no satisfaction in the duller soreness either. It was gone, all gone.

He thought about Cal and felt it tugging at the corners of his mind: not gone then, just lurking, waiting for the next time. With a sigh he closed his eyes and let his body and mind relax.

Allowing himself to drift again he felt the pounding in his temple ease and...

“Jayden, are you up yet?”

He had a strong urge to ignore her, to just turn away and go back to sleep. But she wouldn’t give up; he knew she wouldn’t give up and besides, his stomach was growling because there was a smell of bacon frying floating up from below and his head was hurting again. He groaned and reluctantly got out of bed.

The face in the mirror wasn't happy. There were dark smudges under the eyes which looked dull and lifeless, sunken into the sullen, weary face; a face he didn’t recognise. He almost expected to tilt the mirror and find that he hadn’t been looking at himself at all. With another sigh he swung open the door of the medicine cabinet, which Kelly didn’t bother to keep locked now since they were alone in the house.

He was glad he didn’t have to look at the stranger in the mirror any more. The bottle of ibuprofen was much lighter than it had been three days ago. Kelly was right; he was taking too much but he was so bloody tired and the pain just wouldn’t go away. Gingerly he touched the still dark bruises on his ribs and groaned silently. It still hurt to breathe and he was tired of the dull ache that seemed to infuse his whole body. With a sigh he shook his head and tipped the bottle, shaking two pills into his hand.

The shower didn’t revive him as it usually did. He just stood under the warm water, growing more and more lethargic as the water relaxed him. He was practically asleep on his feet when a hammering on the door startled him.

“Jayden are you alright in there?”

“Yes,” he called. “I’m getting out now.”

Half heartedly he dried off and left the towel in a sodden heap on the bathroom floor. Kelly had laid out clothes on the bed. They weren’t his but he didn’t care; they were clean and dry.

When he got downstairs Kelly was putting a plate of bacon sandwiches on the table. The smell no longer enticed him but turned his stomach.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You need to eat or you will be sick in the car.”

“The car? Oh yeah.” That’s right; she’d said they were going out. He couldn’t remember where they were going and he didn’t really care. She’d said it would be alright and he trusted her.

“Do you remember where we’re going?”

“No.”

“Do you care?” She asked with amusement in her voice.

He looked up thoughtfully and yawned. “No, not really.”

She smiled at him. “Here, drink some orange juice, it will help the bacon go down. I’ll make coffee.”

Jayden swallowed the bitter orange juice and found that it did help his appetite. He watched Kelly thoughtfully.

“Kelly? You’ve done psychiatry haven’t you?”

“Psychology. It’s different but yeah, I’ve studied that area, why?”

“Am I mad?”

“Now there’s a question. What brought that on?”

He shrugged noncommittally and she watched him chewing at his sandwich. He didn’t look well this morning. A wave of something like sympathy and something like protectiveness washed over her and she had a pang of doubt about what she was intending to do. Was it too much? Would it do more harm than good? Too late now.

“No, you’re not mad Jayden. You’re hurt and broken, but not mad; no more than the rest of us.” She touched the side of his face and tilted his chin upwards to look into his haunted eyes. “You are going to be alright, Jayden. After today everything will be different, I promise.”

“After today?”

She smiled gently at him and released his chin. “Finish your lunch and we’ll get going. You’ll find out soon enough what I have planned.” Briefly he narrowed his eyes at her but there was no real desire to ask questions, it was easier just to accept. He’d find out soon enough after all and he trusted Kelly.

Two glasses of orange juice and half a sandwich later Jayden was even less concerned about where he was going. When Kelly came back from using the bathroom and collecting the car keys, he was resting his head on his arms, dozing.

“Come on darling,” she said gently and he raised his head to stare at her, dazed. “It’s time to go.”

Again the journey was spent in silence. Jayden slept the whole way and Kelly kept her eyes on the road. She hadn’t thought she would be so nervous, so... What if it went wrong? What if it all went wrong and something terrible happened? What if she couldn’t see it through? Would it end up screwing them all up even more than before? What on earth had made her think that this was a good idea in the first place?

By the time they got there she was trembling and cursing herself. “Don’t lose faith now Kelly. You’ve waited a long time for this and Jayden needs it, he needs closure as much as any of us do. After today the past will be in the past where it belongs.”

She sat for a while, staring out of the window at the familiar street, the rain falling softly like a curtain cutting them off from everything outside their little bubble. There was no past, no future, only now. Turning to face her brother Kelly found herself stabbed by a bolt of tenderness that bordered on pain.

The bruises were fading on his face now and it was achingly beautiful. She reached out her hand and stroked his cheek. It was cold.

“Come on sweetheart. We’re here. You’re cold, let’s get you in the warm.”

Jayden stirred and moaned but didn’t wake. Getting out of the car Kelly walked around to his side and opened the door. He was always difficult to wake and this time was certainly no exception. When he finally opened his eyes he was dazed and blank.

“We’re here Jayden. We’ve arrived. You need to get out of the car now.”

“Where are we?”

“Do you trust me Jayden?”

She crouched down in front of him and took his face between her hands. He looked confused but readily smiled and nodded. “Of course I do.”

“Then take my hand Jayden and trust me now.”

Still looking confused Jayden willingly put his hand in hers and allowed her to help him out of the car. He found himself surprisingly unsteady on his feet but didn’t have time to worry about it because he suddenly realised where they were.

“No Kelly please... no.” He tried to get back in the car but she wouldn’t let him.

“Trust me Jayden.”

“No. Not this. Please not this. No.”

“You have to go back Jayden. This place has haunted you for too long. You have to go back and face it and then it will release you. It will stop haunting you. Please, just walk through the door. I won’t ask any more of you.”

“I... I don’t know...” He was shaking but there was something... He couldn’t think clearly, didn’t have the strength to pull away. He was terrified to go on but too weak and tired to go back. Kelly had been good to him, she had taken care of him, she understood. He closed his eyes, his head spinning.

“It’s too much Kelly,” he whispered.

“I know darling. I know it seems too hard now, but if you just push through this everything will be alright. You can’t go on, you know that. You can't go on any more. You have to go back.”

Bleakly he raised his eyes to hers and then flicked over her shoulder to the door that stood behind her. He shook his head, trembling. “I... can’t.”

“One step at a time Jayden. Just one.” Keeping her eyes locked with his she slowly drew him away from the car, one step at a time. He was barely able to keep on his feet but somehow he matched her, step for step, lost in her eyes, shut off from the reality of where he was and what he was doing by the warmth of her smile.

Before he knew what was happening Jayden found himself standing on a familiar doorstep, listening to the sound of the knocker echoing in his head. Kelly’s hand on his shoulder was the only thing that stopped him running... well that and the fact that he was pretty certain that his legs would not have supported him if he had.

His heart was pounding so hard and fast that he could hear it and feel it as it hammered through his body. Glancing around he took in the street in which he had been born and grown up. If he turned right at the corner and walked to the end of the street he would find a shed, which was the first place Weeping Lily had ever played together, although at that time ‘played’ might not have been the best word to use.

A brief smile ghosted across his lips when he thought of those days, of playing down by the river with Cal and the other boys, of making music in the shed, writing his first song... and then walking home along this street; to this door. The smile died.

The door opened and he found himself facing a small, pretty girl with very dark hair, cut in a punky style and spiked over her head and shoulders. Rings pierced her lip and eyebrows and her small frame was covered with mis matched stripes and pieces of lace.

“Jayden,” she said staring at him; as shocked and scared as he was.

Anya was speechless. After all this time she hadn’t thought that she would ever actually see him again, least of all here. If she had been asked in that moment what she felt she would not have been able to say. There were so many emotions coursing through her and she didn’t know whether to hug him or slap him.

Kelly was right, he was the same; except that he wasn’t. He had Jayden’s eyes but they were haunted and hurt. He had Jayden’s face but it was thin and pale with black shadows under his eyes and bruises on his cheek. It was Jayden but it wasn’t. In some ways it was more but in many more it was less.

“Are we going to stand on the doorstep all day,” Kelly said impatiently, after a few minutes, “until someone recognises Jay and brings a media circus down on our head?”

Anya looked around nervously then took Jayden’s hand and towed him over the doorstep and into the house. For a moment, when the door closed behind him Jayden panicked but both Anya and Kelly were smiling at him and he felt so dizzy and weak he couldn’t maintain it. Besides, the room they led him into was in no way similar to the one he remembered and it reassured him.

“Would you like a drink?” Anya asked and realising how desperately thirsty he was Jayden smiled and nodded then sank gratefully onto the sofa. He was so shaken that his head was spinning and his body trembling all over.

“Are you alright?” Kelly asked. Jayden was confused by a strange tone in her voice.

“I... don’t know.”

“No, I don’t expect you do. It’s been a long time. How does it feel to be back where it all began?”

“I... don’t know,” he repeated, closing his eyes against the waves of dizziness. “I... I’m scared.”

“That’s good.”

He opened his eyes in surprise. “Is it?”

“Yes it is – you’ll see.”

Even more confused he looked up, startled when Anya returned with a glass which she handed to Jayden. She perched on the edge of the chair and stared at him. Feeling uncomfortable he took a long drink of the Coke and stared at the bubbles rising to the top. They were hypnotic and for a moment everything faded out apart from those little bubbles.

“I think we can stop pretending now, don’t you?”

Startled back to reality Jayden looked up at Kelly. “Sorry?”

“You will be, my darling.”

There was something wrong with the smile she gave him and he frowned, confused. “I don’t...”

“No, you don’t. You don’t understand anything much at the moment do you?” Kelly sat besides him on the sofa and stroked his hand. Somehow it was no longer a comforting gesture.

Jayden jumped when Anya sat on the other side, on the arm of the sofa so that he had to look up at her. She looked uncertain and reached out to touch his hair. “You’re so pretty Jayden. Even more than you used to be, more than you look on TV. Of course you wear make up then but you look better without it.”

Her voice was dreamy, hypnotic and as she stroked his face he smiled briefly. “You have beautiful eyes, not like ours, so big and bright and dark. You’re not like us at all. So very pretty.” Still lost in the sound of her voice and the featherlight caress of her fingers Jaden was completely unprepared for the slap or the complete change of expression on her face, as she snarled at him.

“How dare you? How dare you be so pretty on the outside when you are rotten on the inside? How dare you have a good life when you doomed us to hell? You lying, evil bastard: how dare you?”

Jayden was so shocked he didn’t move, couldn’t speak.

“Easy Anya,” Kelly said soothingly and Jayden looked to her for explanation and support. “You’ll get your moment,” she continued, her eyes hardening to glittering chips of ice as she glared at Jayden.

Jayden was more confused than ever. Why was Kelly suddenly so angry? Why was she looking at him as if she hated him? He simply couldn’t make sense of what was going on.

“Kelly, what...? Why are you so angry? What have I done?”

“What have you done? You can sit there and ask that?” Anya spat and he turned to face her again, warily. “What have you done? You’ve ruined our lives. You made them unbearable when you were at home and intolerable when you left. You stole our lives, took our parents away... You separated us. They put us in foster homes. It was years before we could be together again.

“Did you know that Mam died? She had a heart attack and died two years ago. You broke her heart and she never recovered. You killed her. You killed our mother.”

Stunned Jayden turned to Kelly who still had the cold look on her face. “But...”

“Do you have any idea how hard it’s been to look into your eyes and not spit in your face,” Kelly asked quietly. “When I saw you in the hospital I was appalled at the thought that you might die before I told you how much I hate you and everything you have done to me and my family.

“And then that son of a bitch boyfriend of yours threw me out of the hospital and I wanted to kill him too and ever since I’ve been turning myself sick pretending to be nice to you.

“I have to admit that there were times when I wavered; when you were in so much pain that I wondered if it was punishment enough, but it wasn’t; it couldn’t have been. I hate you. I hate you with every atom of my being, and I want to see you suffer by my own hand.”

“But you said...”

“I lied, and you have no idea how hard that was either.

“But you took care of me; you helped me.”

“I helped you hurt yourself yes; that was the only pleasure I had even though you made a real mess of Rose’s bed, which I was not so pleased about. As for the rest – I was helping you alright, helping you get to this moment in roughly one piece so we can both take the greatest pleasure in pulling those pieces apart and making you pay for every moment of the last seven years.”

Struggling with the dizziness that still swamped him Jayden snapped back, finally getting the picture. “Like fuck you will. Cal was right about you, you scheming bitch and if you think I am going to sit back and let you abuse me then you are crazier than the other bitch. Sweet Jayden can be as much of a bitch as you when I have to be.

“Jesus I can’t fucking believe you are even thinking this crap let alone saying it. How can you still be defending them after what they did?”

“Because it’s your fault,” Kelly snapped. It’s all your fault. If you hadn’t been as you are he wouldn’t have done it. You made him do it.”

“As I am? What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means evil, Jayden. It means you taunted him, spat in his face and were abusive to him.”

“So you think I should have just sat back when he told me I’m a worthless piece of crap, just took it when he told me I’m a whore, a bastard, a sick fag?”

“Yes, you should have: you should have because you are.”

He stared at her in shock. “I was fourteen.”

“You were old enough,” Anya growled at him, “I was 9. I lost everything: my parents, my home, my friends... everything and I was only 9.”

“My heart bleeds for you. Fuck this. I am not going to sit here with you freaks and let you...”

“Oh Jayden, poor little Jayden; do you think you have a choice? Do you really think that there is anything, anything at all you can do? I think it’s time you realised that you ran out of choices a long time ago.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Kelly said smiling gently at him, “that you’re not leaving here Jayden; you can’t.”

He frowned. “Of course I can. You can’t make me stay here.”

Kelly laughed. “You can’t leave here Jayden. You couldn’t get up off this sofa if your life depended on it, which it does.”

“I... don’t...”

“Haven’t you wondered why you’ve been feeling so tired, why you’re so dizzy; out of it?”

“I...” He frowned, a kernel of fear gnawing at his gut as he realised that, in fact he didn’t think he could get up; he was too dizzy.

“You’re drugged Jayden. We’re taking no chances, so I drugged you.”

Horrified, Jayden stared at the Coke and threw the glass across the floor. Anya gave an exclamation and ran to mop it up off the cream carpet.

“You bastard. You ruined my carpet.”

Kelly ignored her and laughed. “Fool. It’s not in the coke. I’m not that stupid.”

“But I... don’t...”

“You’ve been taking a lot of painkillers these last three days Jayden. I’m surprised you didn’t wonder why they weren’t taking away any pain.” She laughed as his eyes widened. “You really should learn to check these things out. Before I came to get you I refilled all the bottles with something different altogether. And just to make sure, you got a triple dose in your orange juice this morning. Frankly I’m surprised you can still speak.”

“No...” He struggled to get to his feet and even managed it but, when Anya and Kelly grabbed his arms he was powerless to fight them.

“Time for some reminiscing little brother,” Kelly growled.

“What are you going to do?”

“You’ll find out. I’ve been planning this for a long time; I don’t want to spoil the surprise.”

Jayden looked up and realised where they were taking him and started to struggle. “No... no don’t... please don’t. Don’t make me go down there.” He managed to break one arm free but as his body swung round the dizziness swamped him and he stumbled to his knees.

“Get up,” Kelly commanded, kicking him and he was unable to resist when they hauled him back to the feet and dragged him to the basement door.

“Please... please... don’t make me go there.”

“Oh we’re going to make you go there, don’t worry about that. We are going to make you go all the way there.”

“No...”

As they opened the door he started to struggle again. The sheer terror of what the door represented overrode the drugs in his system and the girls were unable to hold him. All they could do was push him away from them into the darkness beyond the door. He stumbled on the first few steps and then fell into the darkness. He hit the earth with a resounding thud and a sharp snap preceded an excruciating pain in his side that brought the darkness from the outside into the inside