To Have and to Hold - 7. Chapter 7

I sit up and immediately regret it as pain explodes in my head. After falling back onto the pillows I raise my hand to find my head is wrapped in a stiff white bandage.

“May? What’s going on?”

“Not much. I was just wondering.”

“Wondering?”

“Yeah, wondering when you got to be so bloody careless.”

I can’t help but chuckle. Memory is trickling into my aching head and the chuckle turns into a groan. “Rayal. What happened?”

“You are asking me?”

“You know what I mean.”

“You mean after you got the back of your head caved in by one of Rayal’s goons?”

I wince, can’t help it. “Yeah, after that.”

“Seems like your little friend is tougher than he looks. He found a cave, dragged you into it and covered up the entrance with debris. Then he fed you with his own blood. Saved you life twice over and he must have moved bloody fast because it was almost dawn when I got your call, but it was too late then for us to help you.... What?”

“Huh?”

“What? Why are you looking like that?”

“He shook his head. Where’s Marc?”

“You completely drained him you know? He barely made it.”

“Where is he?”

“If it hadn’t been for me he would have been dead. I left him with Beth but you know what she’s like. By the time I got to him he was...”

“May!! Where is he?”

Bitch! She is laughing. I wish she would just shut up and tell me what she knows I want to hear. I want to believe that if she doesn’t I will get up and go find out for myself, but my head is killing me. This is more than just a headache.

“May..” I am speaking to her like she is a child, it is sometimes the only way of getting through to her. In some ways that is exactly what she is. “May, if you don’t tell me what’s happened to Marc I swear I will never speak to you again.”

“Ah the peace.”

“May! Please May. Do you want me to beg? If you want me to beg I will beg, please.”

I find that I have half risen from the pillows and the pain sends me back. I am soaked with sweat and astonished to find that I am crying, the tears running down my cheeks. It seems that I have shocked May too because suddenly she is all concern.

“Hey, chill, take it easy, he’s alright. He’s fine. He’s around somewhere. He was here until about five minutes ago. He’s gone off somewhere with Beth.”

“Beth?”

“Yeah, the two of them seem to have hit it off.”

“Where am I?”

“Sanctuary. Sam brought you. You were in a bad state. You’re really lucky Marc got you out of the sun in time.”

“Yeah... about that...”

“What?”

“He didn’t.”

“Didn’t? Didn’t what?”

“Didn’t get us out of the sun. Fuck May, I have no idea what happened out there. Rayel stabbed him, buried his dagger up to the hilt in his chest. I thought he was dead... he SHOULD have been dead. And then I sat with him in my arms, bleeding, dying, waiting for the sun to come up.... I WATCHED the sun come up. I felt it on my face. I felt the warmth of the sun on my face.”

“Look Kai, you know that’s impossible. You were out of it. You were barely conscious. You must have been delirious, imagined it.”

“I didn’t imagine the sun May. I saw it, I felt it. And it didn’t burn me... it didn’t burn us.”

“That’s impossible.” It is a flat statement, broaching no dispute. If it had been me, I would have been the same.

“It’s him May, Marc. I don’t know what it is about him but I know it comes from him. When I changed him I changed too... the whole thing, a changing. I didn’t think too much about it at the time but.... he changed me, and part of that change has to have something do with the sun. I don’t know what and I don’t know what to do about it.”

May frowned. “You are going to have to go and see Gabriel.”

“No!”

“Kai, I know how you feel. No, don’t argue, I know how you feel but..... this is too big and it isn’t just that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your run in with Rayel last night was no coincidence. He was hunting, and he was not hunting alone. He was on a leash, not the hunter, the dog. You were lucky.”

“Yeah I feel lucky.”

“You should. Rayel was sent to hunt... if he had survived, or told his goons what he was after, why and for whom... then you would be in a lot worse condition right now....”

“But why would Rayel have been hunting me? Who would have sent him after me? Why now?”

“Woah... who said he was after you?”

“What? I... what do you mean?”

“Given your condition I will forgive you for being so stupid Kai, and I will spell it out for you just this once. He was not after you, he was after Marc.”

“Marc? Why?”

“Think about it.”

I don’t have to think long. The answer surfaces through the soup in my brain like a severed hand, and I almost gag on my fear.

“Merticus.”

“I can’t be sure but I am pretty certain it must have been... who else. I had already picked up on something before I got the call last night. Not long after we left you Wolfy and I picked up on a disturbance, I came straight here and Beth confirmed that it was a lance, direct to a source close to your location, we don’t know what it said but we know it was a command. Just after that we got the distress call from you. I mean who would have sent it and who would it have been sent to?”

“I don’t think it was Rayel. There was someone else there. I didn’t really get a good look at him but he called me ‘My Lord’.”

“There’s no doubt then. It must be Merticus.”

“But why? Why is Merticus acting now? After all this time how would he even know I am here, how would he know about Marc?”

“I would be very unsurprised if he has been watching you, or having you watched the whole time. He hates you with a vengeance. He blames you for Gabriel expelling him from the Council.”

“Well, he is right about that. I didn’t ask him to, but he did it because of me. He knew that I left because of Merticus and he took his anger out on him, rightly so but Merticus wouldn’t see it like that.”

“No, he wouldn’t, he doesn’t. But he doesn’t see anything like anyone else does, time included. He has taken plenty of it but now he sees his opportunity for revenge and he is going to take it through Marc.”

“But why? I have changed others, been close to others. Why now? Why Marc?”

“Do you really have to ask?”

“Yes, I REALLY have to ask”

“For one thing because you have never loved any of them. I have never seen you like this, never felt the strength of emotion in you that you have for him. Not even for me.”

“May.....”

She holds up her hand and shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it hun, I have always known the score. The fact is that everyone, Merticus included, knows that you have fallen and fallen hard. And then, of course, there is Marc. You can’t possibly have failed to notice how.... er... strange he is.”

“Strange?”

“We are dark Kai my dear, all of us. Our energy is of darkness. We are Vampires for gods sake. We are MADE of darkness. But him... he is... he is so.... so bloody.... light, bright and ... wholesome.” She says it like she is swearing and it makes me laugh. That is not a good thing, laughing hurts. My head feels like someone is tying to drill through the back of it. I have to blink hard to keep focus.

“It isn’t funny Kai. Look at the way he feeds, the control he has. Look at his energy, it is blinding. There is something wrong with him, something very very wrong, and whatever it is it is polluting you too. If what you say about the sun is true then that makes it even worse.”

“You say it as if it is a bad thing.”

“It could be. It makes you both targets. It means he stands out like a beacon to every unscrupulous, power hungry demon in the godsdamned fucking world and they are already gathering. If you want to keep him... and yourself... alive you have got to get to the bottom of this, find out what is going on.

“The only way you are going to do that is to get Salem to scan him and the only way you can get to Salem is through Gabriel. So, my pretty little angel, it seems that it is time to bury the hatchet. You are going to have to go to Gabe.”

“No. That is out of the question. I am not going to him”

“Then you will lose your lover and possibly your life.”

“May!!”

“Think about it Kai.”

“I have a feeling I will be thinking of nothing else.”

“Just take a good look at him. Try to see him objectively. Try to see what’s really there, it is scary Kai, really scary. He is... I don’t know what he is, but I know he is dangerous. He has been with us for three days and you have already been closer to death than you have been in the last three hundred years.”

“That’s not entirely true and it wasn’t his fault.”

“Do you think I care? Huh? I have been with you from the start. You are the closest thing to a brother I have, I have ever had. I have loved you deeper and for longer that anyone else, ever. I will not lose you because of some snotty nosed, bleeding heart... child.”

“May. He is not a child.”

“Yes he is. Why do you think he has got so close to Beth so quickly? Because she speaks to the child in him... it is very close to the surface. He is innocent Kai, innocent.”

“Again you say that as though it is a bad thing”

“In our line of business, it is. Innocence can get you killed faster than almost anything else.”

“Ordinarily I would agree. But what Marc has is subtly different. Yes, he has an innocence about him but it is ..... different. He didn’t hesitate to take his first feed, he didn’t hesitate to act on the feelings it awoke in him... the way he fought... he has no fear of the darkness in him.”

“No, because he is not dark. The darkness in us is what makes us who and what we are... the darkness in him is... an accent, a flavour, nothing more. He is too.... light.”

My head feels like it is bursting. I can see the truth in what she is saying, how can I not, it is striking me in the face with every word she says but I can’t process it, can’t think about it and I have enough perspective to realise that a good part of that is because I don’t want to.

“I can’t think about this now May.”

“You are going to have to sooner or later.”

“I know... but not now.”

“Kai, you can’t just ignore it.... it won’t go away. Merticus is not going to give up just because Rayel is dead. He is going to be even more angry that his little plan didn’t work. I doubt that any of the vamps who came after you is still alive. You know what Merticus is like... he doesn’t like failure. Next time he will send someone better, or even come himself. Don’t wait for it.... do something now.”

Do something? Damn I can barely keep my eyes open, what can I do? “May...” I want to tell her that I understand what she is saying, that I have always known that there is something special about Marc and that, after last night I am more sure than ever. I want to say that I appreciate what Merticus is capable of and that I realise that we are all in danger until I can sort things out. I even want to say that I will go to Gabriel, that Marc is so precious to me that I will even do that to make sure he is safe. But the pain in my head is so intense now that all I can say is “M....M...Marc.” and I hear her calling my name as I fall into the void.

*-*-*

It is not her voice I hear as I surface. It is a different voice, a male voice, familiar and sweet. I open my eyes and see a shining angel. The strip light behind him outlines him in brightness and it seems to spill from his eyes and from his lips as he calls my name, the sweetest sound I have ever heard.

“Oh my God, Kai, Kai, I thought.... I thought you.... don’t you dare ever do that again.”

“Do what?”

A deep throaty laugh draws my attention. “Oh great! What are you doing here?”

The man smiles, dazzling me, as always. His black hair shines in the bright light, fine as a child’s, falling to just below his shoulders, his blue eyes are dark and mysterious, I remember looking into them for the first time and losing my heart and I remember looking into them for the last time and taking it back, broken though it was.

“It’s good to see you again too Kai.”

Marc is looking at him with wide eyed awe. Goodness knows what he has been telling him, Gabriel is unpredictable at the best of times. There is no love in his eyes though, he has not succeeded in seducing him, at least not yet. That will be grating on him. Unaccountably this makes me smile.

“How did you get here?”

“In the usual way.”

“You know what I mean. Who called you?”

“Who do you think honey. I know how stubborn you can be. And then when... when you were... incapacitated, I thought that I would take things into my own hands.”

“Thanks May. I should have known you had a hand in this somehow.”

“Don’t blame May, she was right. You should have called me yourself.”

“I haven’t exactly had the chance.”

“You should have called me a long time ago.”

“Maybe. Fact is I didn’t.” I feel strange. Not only is my head full of cotton wool but my heart seems to be trying to break out of my chest. It has always been the same when Gabriel is around. He walks in and my judgement walks out.

Then I look at Marc. He is silent now, staring at Gabriel, sensing the tension, the feeling between us, not fooled in the slightest by the coldness in our voices. He looks confused and hurt and I can’t bear it.

“Look. I am not up to this right now. I need time to think. My head feels... I need to.... Just go, please just go.”

“Kai, there is more happening out there than you know. Wheels are in motion, big events in the wind. We have to talk, and...” his eyes flick to Marc, an unreadable look in his eyes which sets my teeth on edge. “Your ‘friend’ needs to talk to Salem.... soon.”

“I know; all of it; I know but not now, not right now. Please Gabriel.” I am desperate now. I just want them to leave. My head is killing me and I can’t bear to see that look in Marc’s eyes any more. I have no idea what Gabriel has been telling him but I can guess. I need to hold him, I need to talk to him.

“Alright. Under the circumstances I can understand. We have been told by your healers that you need to rest and so you may rest... for now. But we must talk and it must be soon.”

“I know, and I will.”

“Very well.” Unexpectedly he bends over and kisses me on the cheek. He is beautiful, as he has always been beautiful; his face untouched by age, his hair soft and shining. He is wearing a black suit, as always, impeccably cut, very expensive, very suitable for a man of his position. Reflexively I turn my head away.

“I have missed you.” His words are soft, not vocalised, not heard by anyone else and I am horrified that it brings a tear to my eye. I bite my lip and close my eyes.

“I had better go too I suppose. It doesn’t take a genius to know what’s on your mind right now.”

I wait until I hear the door open and close before I open my eyes and turn my head. Marc looks anxious, awkward, as though he is not sure if he should be here.

“Do you want me to leave too?”

“No, of course not.” I hold my hand out to him but he hesitates. “Marc?”

“Who is Gabriel?”

“No one.”

“Kai...”

“Gabriel is my past. You are my future. Please....”

“I’m not jealous of Gabriel Kai, I am afraid of him.”

“That is a wise position to start from. Gabriel is a very powerful man, but right at this moment he needs us and we need him so we are going to have to work with him.”

“Why?”

“Later Marc, I’ll tell you everything later. For now I feel.... I need... something else.”

And suddenly he is in my arms. I feel weak as a kitten and the pounding in my head increases. I must have winced, or maybe even groaned, although I am not aware of it, because Marc jumps back, his eyes wide.

“I...I’m sorry Kai. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Marc, it’s alright, what are you getting so freaked out about? You didn’t hurt me. Come here you idiot.”

“I... I don’t know if I should.” I am confused. Why is he being like this? Is it because of Gabriel? Is he jealous? Angry? Hurt?

“Marc... I... Is this about Gabriel?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then what? What is it? Why won’t you come to me?” I can hear my voice becoming petulant and I force myself to take a deep breath and calm my emotions. I remind myself that he is so new to all this, so young, I am selfish to think that he will accept everything without question.

“Kai... it isn’t it isn’t that. It’s just... I’m afraid I’ll hurt you... you’re head....”

“Is that all? It’s nothing, nothing at all.” The relief is tangible but he is still not making any move. Regarding him curious I can see what May means about Marc. He is strange, golden, light. He blinds me and I have to blink, wincing. He misinterprets.

“Kai... you... you don’t understand. I thought I was going to lose you.”

Of course. Why didn’t I realise? I forget that he is so young, that he isn’t like me. His life has been so different, so very different. I took him from a life that was safe and secure, one where he has been protected, and all I have shown him is death and violence. No wonder he is distraught. That attack and what came after must have all but destroyed him.

“I am sorry Marc. I should have thought. You must have been so frightened. It has been such a hard journey for you, and I haven’t made it any easier. I haven’t even said ‘thank you’ for saving my life. You know that I do don’t you, that I am more grateful than...”

“No, that’s not what I meant, nowhere near it. You don’t understand, you don’t...”

“Then tell me. What’s wrong? Why are you being like this? If it isn’t Gabriel and it isn’t because you are upset with me, then what...? Are you angry because I didn’t protect you?”

“NO!” He looks outraged and, as confused as I am this makes me glow inside. “How could you even ask that? If anything it’s the other way around. You are everything, everything I could ever dream of. I love you so much and I... I almost lost you. I have been so afraid Kai, not for me... for you. I don’t know what I would do without you. You are the only reason I came to this life and without you I am lost.

“Oh god that sounds so selfish, and it is but it isn’t just that. It isn’t just that I love you more than I can even begin to tell you. Kai, you are the most incredible person I have ever met. You are so strong and brave and beautiful I just couldn’t bear the thought of life without you. I have sat here for the last few days and...”

“Woah... back up. Few days?”

“Yes.”

Ah... so that’s it. How can I tell him? This is not the first time I have been hurt, not even the first time I have been close to death. The truth is, since I left Gabriel I have had something of a death wish. I have been reckless and careless and I have paid, time and time again. If that is all that is worrying him then... then what? I am not exactly going to be reassuring him by telling him the truth am I?

“I guess I have been out of it?”

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“Four days.” He is looking at me with anxious eyes as though he expects me to be shocked but this is by no means the first time I have woken up to find chunks of my life have vanished... a few hours, a few days, a few weeks.

“That’s alright, sweetheart, I’m fine now. I know it must have been a shock but....”

“No, you still don’t understand. The healer... um... Darian... he said... he said that... If you had been human you would have died, right there and then, you would have died.”

“But I didn’t die.”

“No, but you nearly did. He smashed your skull... that... that... animal, when he hit you, he smashed your skull and Darian didn’t know if even you could survive it. No one knew... until just now, until you woke no one knew if you ever would.”

“Ah.”

“Ah!? Is that all you can say. Kai, he said that if you didn’t wake up you wouldn’t be able to feed and you would just... just.... Kai I couldn’t bear it, I just couldn’t bear it.”

“It’s alright... you don’t have to bear it because it didn’t happen. Vampires heal fast Marc. I am fine. Now come and hold me before I go insane.”

“I don’t know if I should. You have been so ill... I....”

“I won’t break Marc.”

Hesitantly he lies down on the bed next to me and I turn towards him. My leg feels stiff and sore, although the wound is healed. My head still hurts but the pain is fading, it is no more than a persistent throb. I stroke his face and smile. He still looks confused, uncertain, afraid.

“I’m alright Marc, believe it. Anyway, what about you? I saw Rayel bury a dagger up to its hilt in your chest. I was sure you were dead.”

“Yeah, I was afraid I was going to be. At first, when I was lying in the sand and I couldn’t breathe because I kept coughing up mouthfuls of blood, god I was scared. But then... almost as soon as they took the dagger out it started getting better. I could feel it, it was strange... and ... and it was like... like I could make it happen faster. Darian says that I am a natural healer and he is going to teach me more.

“Anyway, by the time the sun came up and you passed out I was pretty much better. It happened so fast, until I fed you. Once my blood was depleted I couldn’t heal any more. But pretty much after the first day I was whole again, not even a mark.” He lifts his shirt and shows me the soft, unblemished skin on his chest and all I want to do is touch it. Under the circumstances perhaps I shouldn’t. My head is still pretty bad, I doubt I am up to any activity right now.

His eyes are enormous, shining brilliant blue in the harsh light of the Sanctuary infirmary. This is the first time I am truly aware of where I am. He is trembling and I can’t help myself, pounding head or not I have to touch him. His skin is so soft, his eyes so luminous that I am helpless. I pull him towards me and as soon as our lips touch everything else falls away. I hear him sigh and feel the tension leave his body.