To Have and to Hold - 8. Chapter 8

The Past Catches Up

How many times over the past few days have I opened my eyes and forgotten for a moment the fear that has been my constant companion? How many times have I enjoyed this brief instant of happiness before reality comes crashing in and I am back in hell? But... hang on... where am I? I am not sitting at the side of the bed, I am not in a chair but lying down, there is something soft under my cheek, something that rises and falls.

“Kai?”

He sighs and stirs, adjusting the position slightly, tightening his arms around me before he relaxes again, his cheek resting on my hair. Memory floods back in a warm glow which starts around my heart and spreads out from there. Someone has turned off the light and it is dark. I feel sleepy and warm and I drift off again, smelling his scent, listening to his heart.

It seems like only moments later I am rudely awoken, shaken roughly by the shoulder.

“Up and at them, golden boy. Its time we had a long talk with your boyfriend and you may not want to stick around for this.”

“May?”

Rubbing my eyes and yawning I sit up. It surely is May and that man... Gabriel. He is smiling at me and it is not a nice smile. There is something predatory about it, something, cold in his eyes as he looks at me. He is pretty, no doubt about it, and clearly rich, and he obviously knows Kai, has done for a long time, May too; he is not as young as he looks clearly. I don’t like him, don’t trust him.

“Run along little one, it’s time for the big boys to play.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Oh yes you are. You can either do it because you want to or because you are running away from me.”

“Gabriel!!”

Kai’s voice is cold, it strikes out like a whip and it is good to see a tiny flicker in the cold blue eyes. I am not sure what it is a flicker of, what it means but it is good to see it and it is good that Kai tightened his arms around me as he spoke.

“It’s time to talk Kai, and he has no place in these discussions.”

“I beg to differ Gabriel. His ‘place’ is wherever he wants it to be. He is my friend, my lover, my partner and if he want to stay and listen to what we have to say then that’s okay by me.”

“What if it isn’t okay by me?”

“That’s fine. If you don’t want to talk you don’t want to talk, that’s up to you but I am not sending Marc skulking off like some child or spare part that doesn’t deserve to be involved in what we have to discuss. It may have escaped your notice but if it hadn’t been for him I wouldn’t be here.”

I feel as though my heart will burst. I am so choked with emotion I can’t even enjoy the look on their faces. May is shocked rigid, the first time I have ever seen her look anything more than smug. And Gabriel is clearly furious but keeping it all in, all under control. He is a master I’ll give him that. There is nothing but a tiny muscle twitching in the corner of his jaw that gives him away.

I feel as though I want to grin but I know that would just be childish so I keep my face as neutral as possible, holding his eyes, and squeezing Kai’s hand. I know he can feel how good I feel about what he has done.

Gabriel is not looking at me, he is staring at Kai and I can feel the tension between them, and then suddenly he laughs.

“Alright. If you say so, but I am not talking to you when you are tucked up together like that. I will meet you in the library in fifteen minutes. Don’t be late. Salem is joining us and you know that he does not like to be kept waiting. Come May.”

“Wait, you asshole. You know...” Kai’s hand squeezing my arm stops me.

“Fifteen minutes.”

Gabriel is grinning as he leaves, May is more sober and gives a regretful backward glance.

When they are gone I turn to Kai. I am angry with him now.

“Why did you agree to go? You know he was punishing you, making you get up when you are not well enough.”

“I know. But I am well enough.”

“No you’re not. Darian said you would be sick for days, maybe weeks”

“Darian is an excellent healer but he isn’t always right. There must have been something in making love with you that has speeded up the healing. I feel fine.”

“I know you don’t.”

“Alright, I feel better then, not well, not completely, but better. Well enough to sit in the library for an hour or so.”

“Are you sure? I get the impression they are going to give you a hard time.”

“Oh yes, indeed. Whatever else, I am sure of that. As far as Gabriel is concerned I deserve it.”

“Why?”

Kai pauses in the process of getting out of bed and looks at me thoughtfully. Then he sighs.

“Perhaps a potted history might not be a bad idea, before you follow me into the lion’s den. Can you find some clothes for me please? I am NOT going to face Gabriel naked.”

I can see that, despite what he says he is in pain, but not as much as I had expected. He is struggling but only a little. He is so strong. There is part of me that doesn’t want to hear his story but his strength makes it impossible for me to do anything else. If he is being strong about something that must be almost impossibly difficult and painful for him... the of course so must I.

I find his clothes in the cupboard at the side of the bed and throw them to him. As he dresses he speaks and his voice becomes more and more introspective.

“I’m not altogether sure how to explain. Um... among vampires there are certain clans, ‘families’ if you like although when we say we are related by blood we have a different meaning than when that phrase is used by humans. You and I are now related by blood as are we to Gabriel and May.

“The bloodline of some families is considered to be more pure than others and there are three clans in particular which are.... powerful, noble, important. Of the three Clan Konstantin is the prime. Members of that clan are the closest to royalty that vampires get. We are pretty anarchistic at the whole but just about everyone acknowledges the power of the three clans.

There is a Vampire Council which is made up of the leaders of the three families, chaired by the leader of Clan Konstantin who is the most powerful man in the entire vampire world. If you have heard me talk about ‘rules’, well such as they are they have all been set and are all policed by the Council, which essentially means Clan Konstantin... and ultimately THAT means Gabriel.”

I don’t know why I am so shocked. I should have been expecting it after all. I mean he practically reeks of power, influence and all that goes with it. Now I am not so sure that I really want to be part of this meeting. I am not so sure that I want Kai to speak any more... but I have always been stubborn, proud and desperate to feel that I know ‘the truth’, and so I can’t help myself but ask.

“And you and he... were.... close?”

“We were more than close.” He is finished dressing now and is on his feet, swaying a little, holding on to the bedpost and looking at me as though he is afraid that I will be upset by hearing what he has to say. I probably will be but I have to know.

“Okay, go on.”

“Gabriel is the one who changed me, May too. That makes us family, close family. But families don’t work in the same way with us.... there is nothing to stop... close families getting... closer. Gabriel and I were lovers, closer than lovers, closer than brothers, closer than it is healthy for anyone to be. It was almost obsession, from his point of view I think it was obsession.”

“I thought that you and May....”

“No, at least, not in that way.”

“Oh. You must have been quite powerful then... I mean being so close to the leader of the clans like that.”

“Yes.... you could say that. In fact I was the second most powerful vampire in the vampire world. He made me his heir. That is a big deal in the clans. It is a formal ceremony, very deep, symbolic, committed. It’s not like a marriage, not a personal thing. It’s a transfer of power. I was on the Council, more than Gabriel because he bored easily with the mechanisms of politics, I was part of the government... yes, I was important.”

“What happened?” I can, at the same time, hardly believe what he is telling me and wholly believe it. He has the bearing of someone who has known great power. It is something in the way he carries himself, how sure he is of... everything. I can easily picture him sitting on a Council, being part of a government, I can see that he would be good at ruling, governing, guiding. He said that Gabriel was bored with it... I can see that too. So what had happened? Had Gabriel got bored with him?

“I... left.”

“Left? Why?”

“Because at the time I didn’t feel I had a choice. Certain things occurred that I was not able to deal with. I turned to Gabriel for support and he could deal with them even less. We both reacted badly and I ran away. I dropped everything, left everything and I just ran.”

He lets go of the bed and walks towards me, his head high. I can see how people would look up to him, would love him. I can’t see how anyone could drive him away. He casually throws his arm around my shoulder and barely leans on me as we move towards the door.

“I ran all the way to the sea before I stopped and then only because I ran into a group of predators. They are a few steps up the evolutionary scale from scavengers. They had no idea who I was, they attacked me just because that is what they do. I was lucky. May had followed me. She saved my life... just and took care of me until I was well enough to take care of myself.

“I was sick, not just because of the beating I took but because of what had happened before I left. Sick in the mind and the soul. She nursed me, healed me. We... got close but... it was all wrong from the start. I reached out to her in fear and pain and not in love... I was never... I’m not.... she knew what was happening from the start, she knows what I am. It didn’t end badly. She stayed with me and we wandered for a time, years, until we found Sanctuary.

“We stayed here, it wasn’t as it is now, much more basic, but we recognised the foundations of something really good, and so we stayed and helped to build it. When it got to the stage that I felt I had done everything I could do I moved on. May loves Sanctuary and all it stands for and she stayed here. From time to time, usually when I was hurt or sick or in trouble I came back and she took care of me until I needed to move on again.

“Last time I was about to move I met someone who changed everything and made me decide that perhaps I would stick around for a bit longer, long enough to get my own place, to let myself get a bit settled.” He smiled at me with such tenderness that he left me with no doubt about whom he was speaking. “Then when you left I got to thinking what’s the point and I was about to move on again when you came back.

“And that’s it. A potted history of my ‘life’.” We are outside the library and he turns to look at me, a strange, closed, almost bitter expression on his face. Is he trying to tell me that he regrets not moving on before I came back? No, I don’t think so... that wouldn’t make sense. I am beginning to feel paranoid in all this power and glory stuff. Need to keep a clear head and remember that whatever else he may have been in the past, right here and right now he is my Kai.

“Have you never been back... to Gabriel?”

“Before today I hadn’t spoken to him since the day I left.”

“Do you think he regrets what happened?”

“No doubt, but it changes nothing.”

“Kai, can I ask you something? Will you give me an honest answer?”

“I can try.” He narrows his eyes and I think he knows what’s coming.

“How long ago was it? When you were with Gabriel? How long ago did you leave him?”

“A very long time Marc, before you were born.” He sighs. I think he can see that this answer won’t satisfy me and he is working up to the truth, the whole truth which is what he knows I want. The real question is so much more than the one I asked. “When Gabriel changed me I was almost nineteen. I was a nobleman, brash, conceited, arrogant. I thought I ruled the world. Gabriel swept me off my feet, literally and before I knew where I was I had left behind everything I had ever known and followed him to his cold castle on the cliff where he changed me into.... a creature of legend.

“If I had been spoiled and powerful in my old life I was ten times more so there. Gabriel was the crown prince of all vampires and I was his consort and then his heir. I was with him for almost precisely one hundred and twenty four years. And I left him, almost precisely two hundred and fifteen years ago.”

“But... but that makes you....”

“I was born in Paris in the summer of 1650 which means that, this year I will be 359 years old.”

“Okay, that’s a bit of a shock.”

“Yeah. I suppose it is. Maybe I should have told you before.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have believed you before.”

Kai smiles and it is a warm smile that lights his eyes. Now that I look into them I can see, I have always seen that they are old eyes, ancient eyes. I can’t help but smile. He puts his hand on the door handle and I cover it with mine. There is one more thing I need to know.

“Did he hurt you a lot?”

“It was a long time ago.”

“I know but that isn’t what I asked.”

“What good would it do, talking about that here, now?”

“Did he hurt you?”

For a moment he holds my eyes, weighing, considering, then he nods, very slowly. “Yes. He did. A lot. Enough to make me want to die. And I have carried on wanting to die. Until now.”

Before I can say another word he opens the door and precedes me into the room.

“Ah... late as always Kai. I expected nothing less, although in these circumstances I will allow that you have something of an excuse. Please, sit.”

His voice is smooth, with a trace of arrogance, or no, not arrogance precisely but it is a voice that is well used to being obeyed. In this case Kai is eager enough to obey. I wonder if Gabriel sees the way he winces as he lowers himself into the chair and blinks his eyes clear before he looks up at his former lover. There is no softness in Gabriel. He would not acknowledge even if he did see.

I am ignored as I expected to be and I elect to perch on the edge of a desk where I can look directly into Kai’s face. He may well need my support and I will make damn sure I am on hand to give it no matter what.

Apart from Gabriel and May there is only one other person in the room. It is a man, at least I think it is. At first glance I think that it is Shade because there is a certain resemblance in appearance and ‘feel’ but this creature is taller, its hair, although just as pale, is longer and heavier and its turquoise eyes have a slant to them that Shade’s did not, but they have the same intensity, the same sense that they are looking into you and through you, and it is me they are fixed on. Shivering I turn away.

“What do you want Gabriel?”

“You know what I want. I want you to forget this stupid quarrel and come home.” Gabriel speaks as though to a wayward child, with patience and condescension. He pauses but Kai does not speak and so he presses on with no rancour, indeed even humour in his voice. “But I know that you will not and so I just want you to listen.”

“That, at least, I can do.”

“I hope so, your life may depend on it, and that of your latest conquest too. You know what happened with Merticus when you left?”

“I have heard rumours.”

“The rumours are probably wildly exaggerated. I regret that now but at the time I just wanted him out of there, away from me and everyone I cared about. On hindsight I should have made him suffer, but I simply had him expelled.”

“And you don’t think that caused him to suffer?”

“Not as much as he deserved. Be that as it may he disappeared from sight and I made the mistake of allowing myself to believe that he was dead, or making a new life for himself elsewhere. I was a fool and that upsets me, because I am not a fool.

“It has recently come to my attention that Merticus has been making his presence felt, by another name of course, amongst various clans and even human groups. With the advent of the internet it has been easy for him to gather himself quite a following especially amongst the young and the disillusioned to whom the old families represent outdated modes of control.

“He is planning something. I have no idea what it is or whether it really poses any threat to us but I know he is planning something. I have managed to infiltrate some of my own people into his organisation but he is as paranoid as ever and his inner circle is made up exclusively of his own children who have been tainted from crossing with his hatred of the clans and in particular of Clan Konstanin, you and I.

“I have not, therefore been able to find any information with regard to the details of what he has planned. When, where, how; how ambitious, or widespread his actions will be. I doubt that he has the means or the inclination for a serious challenge to the Council. However, I do think that he has both the means and the inclination to pose a serious threat to you, especially now.”

“What do you mean, especially now?”

“Since you made your most recent addition to our little family.” He turns to me for the first time and I feel a shock course through me as his full attention falls on me. It is almost as though his very presence mesmerises me. For a moment I can only stare wide eyed, and then I realise what he is doing and shake it off, meeting his eyes steadily and seeing his eyebrow raise in surprise.

“I don’t know whether Kai has told you anything about me, little one but in a way I suppose I am your grandfather, as I sired your sire so to speak.”

“You could say that, I doubt that I would. Generally speaking, in my experience, grandfathers generally don’t want to fuck their grandsons.”

I take immense pleasure in the look of shock that passes over, not only his face but May’s too. Kai, I am gratified to note, simply smirks looking amused and, possibly a trifle proud.

“Are you reading me?”

“You were the one who was reading me. You were trying to control me. I can’t help it if, in the process of shaking you off I picked up some stray thoughts.”

Gabriel gives me a highly appraising look. “Do you often read people without trying?”

“I can’t say ‘often’ because I am too new to this to judge, but I have done, yes. I appreciate that it is not something that is welcomed and I acknowledge that it is an intrusion and something that I am endeavouring to control. In your case I feel justified.”

“Oh, you do, do you? Tell me, do you know who I am?”

“I know who Kai told me you were. I am waiting for more objective and balanced evidence before I make up my own mind.”

“Do you realise that I could have you punished for the way you are speaking to me?”

“I doubt it.”

“What do you mean?”

“From what Kai has told me you are responsible for making the rules. If that is so then you also have a responsibility for abiding by them. I have done nothing to warrant punishment therefore the harm to your reputation and authority that would be caused by punishing an innocent, particularly at a time when that authority may be under threat from an outside source, just wouldn’t be worth the trouble.”

Gabriel stares at me, his expression changing from outrage, to puzzlement to amusement in only a few seconds. Does he see how much I am trembling inside but this man... this man hurt Kai, he hurt him so much that he has spent centuries trying to escape that pain through death and if I keep that in the front of my mind I cannot fear him.

Gabriel turns to Kai. “Your whelp is full of surprises isn’t he?” In less than a second, taking me completely by surprise he whirls and crosses the room to stand directly in front of me taking my chin in his hand and forcing my head back so he can look down into my eyes.

I am cursing myself. I should have been prepared. I should have expected something like this. But he isn’t hurting me. He isn’t trying to impose his will on me or breach my defences, he isn’t even trying to intimidate me. He is simply looking and when he has finished looking he lets me go.

Kai is on his feet, tensed to spring. Gabriel turns to him and I can feel him smile.

“Sit down Kai. What do you think you can do in your condition anyway? I doubt you would even have made it that far. Do you have any idea what you have done?”

“Done? I don’t understand.”

“You have created a freak. His key signature is so.... shocking that it is screaming out over the frequencies. Everyone in our world was aware of his awakening, and there was a shadow of it right behind. I have reason to believe that shadow might have been you. Do you have any idea what he is? What you have become?”

Kai hangs his head and shakes it. “Until that night I had no idea anything was... different. The changing was easy and he took to the condition faster and better than anyone before him.” He is talking about me. He is talking to Gabriel in a cold and clinical fashion about things that I thought were special, private, between us. That hurts. “He showed almost unbelievable control in his first feed. The puncture wounds were precise and clean and he didn’t spill a drop, he stopped when he was full and invited me to share the feed and he was completely open to the sensations of arousal.”

They are all looking at me now and I feel myself blush. I let my head fall forward, hiding behind my hair, but there is no hiding from those lazer stares.

“Even so, I didn’t think that there was anything too unusual about him until.... until we were attacked. He was stabbed in the chest, the dagger sunk to its hilt. He said himself that he was spitting up mouthfuls of blood until they took out the knife. Yet, within half an hour he was able to lift me and carry me down the beach and he was able to feed me. Within 24 hours all signs of the wound were gone.

“And then, of course there was the sun....”

“Ah yes, the sun. I have to say Kai, I have great difficulty in accepting that you were able to stand in the full light of the sun. I will reserve judgement on that for the time being. Even without that particular item in the equation the young one is adding up to be quite an enigma, enough of an enigma to excite interest in areas he really would be best to go unnoticed in.

“You know that the attack was not random?” Kai nodded. This was news to me. My head is back up again now. “I have made my own enquiries and there is no doubt whatever, the order came direct from Merticus and it was the kid they were after.”

“Excuse me. I do have a name.” I just can’t help myself. As if it isn’t enough to listen to Kai dissecting my nature in an emotional autopsy, and being told that some big bad vampire is out to get me, I am not going to sit by and be referred to like some freaky little kid who doesn’t even deserve to get a name.

“So I understand.”

Gabriel immediately ignores me and continues his conversation with Kai.

“It is not clear precisely why Merticus wants him. Possibly it is to settle old scores but I doubt it. I think it is more likely that he, or one of his freaks, has sensed something in that strange energy of his that he thinks he can use to his advantage. If that is the case then neither you nor Marc will be safe anywhere until we know what it is, identify the threat and neutralise it.”

Kai nods, silent and suddenly I feel cold. For some reason I can’t help but glance over at the Shade lookalike who is still watching me with cold uninterested eyes.

“You know that we have no choice?”

“There are always choices Gabriel. I am not going to make this one for Marc. Perhaps you would like to tell him what you are intending to do and see what he has to say about it.”

“What can he say? What choice is there?”

“Excuse me? There you go again talking about me as though I am not here. What’s going on?”

“Do you understand what we have been talking about?

“Yes. You think there is something different about me, about my energy that is making me a target for someone who has a score to settle with Kai and who is making a play for taking a chunk of power away from your family set up.”

“How remarkably astute of you. And do you also understand that the only way we can effectively keep you safe is by finding out precisely what it is about you that he is after and, if we can neutralising it so that it no longer makes you a target?”

“I can see the logic in that.” I look over at Kai and he is staring at me. There is fear in his eyes. What is going on? What are they going to do to me?

“There you go. I asked; he agreed. Are you satisfied now?”

“No, of course not. You haven’t asked at all... you are well aware that Marc has no idea what you’ve asked of him.” Kai lifts his eyes to meet mine and there is a strange sense of pleading there. “Marc, vampires are creatures of energy, we vibrate at a different frequency to humans which is why we are stronger, faster, why we have mastered the manipulation of energy far better than humans.

“Every vampire has a particular...well for want of a better word, tone to their energy. It’s called their energy key and it can be sensed by other vampires. Usually they are pretty much the same with subtly different shades and variations.

“You energy is radically and completely different to any other vampire which is blatantly obvious to anyone who picks up your key. There is something in that which makes you.... and through you me... unique among vampires in that we can walk openly under the sun, something which would instantly kill any other vampire, no matter how strong.

“You can see how this might be of huge advantage to someone like Merticus at a time like this... as well as the added pleasure of knowing the pain it would cause me if he took you.” I nod cautiously. This all makes sense and I can appreciate how it is causing everyone to freak but....

“What Gabriel wants to do is to ‘read’ you energy, to scan you, dissect the nature of your key to try and find out what makes you so different and what exactly it means. He also wants to see if there is a way of turning it off, or at least toning it down so that you are not so easy to locate on the radar so to speak.”

“Okay, I’m getting all this and I am also getting that there is more to it than either of you is saying. How exactly do you propose to ‘scan’ and ‘dissect’ me.”

“Possibly not the best choice of words there Kai.” Gabriel turns to me and walks slowly across the room. This time I stand so when he looks into my eyes they are on a level with his. “That is where our friend Salem comes in” he nods his head to the Shade lookalike and I shiver involuntarily. “It is his particular talent that he is able to penetrate the energy key of any vampire and provide a complete picture of what it contains. He is also a skilled manipulator of energy and is able to change the frequency of the key.”

“What would it do to me if he did that?”

Gabriel shrugged. “It depends on what needs doing. It might not affect you at all.”

“Or?”

“Shall we cross that bridge when we come to it? It may be that there is nothing that can be done anyway. At the moment all I am suggesting is that you let Salem take a look and see what he can see. That’s all.”

I remember the night in the alley when I first fed. I remember the feeling of being invaded by Shade the way I felt when he had looked into my eyes and uttered his prophecy. I do not want that happening again... but it really wasn’t so bad, and Gabriel is right... we do need to know.

“Alright. Go for it.”

“What?”

“Marc, are you sure?”

“Well make up your mind... it was your idea. If you don’t want me to....”

“No, no. It’s just that I expected a little more resistance.”

“Yeah well.... so what do I have to do? Can we get this over with please?”