Running for Home - 26. November 17, 2021

November 17 2021

Talked to Vange today. No real updates on the lawsuit front, just that she’s got some boots on the ground in California. She was stalling Dom’s lawyers with some fake negotiations that were basically complete refusals of any out of court settlement without explicitly saying that was our position, but the walk down that avenue is likely finished. She applied for an extension on the hearing date and thankfully it got pushed back until just after New Year’s since I no longer reside in California. I’m not sure whether or not that was the best idea, but she’s told me that it’s better that we have everything air-tight with evidence and witness statements about the cheating, our lifestyle and living conditions. One thing she started to emphasize today is that past successful palimony suits involved much greater monetary disparities at the time of separation. The fact that I started a much better paid and stable job a couple months after he left is irrelevant to his case.

I may have to return to L.A. for the hearing, depending on what demands are made. Actually, she said that it’s most likely that I will have to go back and make the appearance before the judge if Dom doesn’t drop the suit. God, I hope this ends up dropped soon so I don’t have to waste any more money and time. I mean, I know I’m on salary and Emma wouldn’t deduct the days I’d have to be away from my pay, but still… You know what, I should probably counter-sue. There’s part of me that wonders if I should do that – counter-sue Dominik for all the money I gave him over the years that he spent on booze and who the fuck knows what else instead of buying groceries and whatever else we needed around the house. Maybe I’d do that if I had the energy left to care, or if he makes me angry enough before all this is up.

Bastard.

My real fear right now is this shit dragging on and on. Vange has actually given me a highly reduced rate. Something about owing some favour to Emma. She didn’t really get into it, and it seemed like something I shouldn’t press her about. But still, if this continues too long I’m going to be devoting way more resources to this goddamn suit than is reasonable. Fuck. I’d be losing any ground I’ve gained financially by staying here at Xavier’s. I mean, I’ve got room and board covered by living here, but if this doesn’t let up then I’m going to be screwed into teaching longer whether I want to or not. This deal is too good to be true. That was the case back in August, and it still is now.

You know what one of the worst things about all this is? There are days when I’m stressing out about it a lot and I find myself inadvertently taking things out on my students. I’m not as patient or forgiving. Well, not that I particularly ever was in the first place, but if anything I’m worse now. I am starting to worry that I’m going to have another ‘Julian’ moment and do something I’m going to regret because I’m caught up in my emotions in the moment.

I’m still fighting it. Fighting myself. After Iraq, one theme that came up over and over in discussions I had with my shrink was how I deal with my emotions. Anger, frustration, stress, fear… pretty much all the emotions that activate the sympathetic nervous system are the ones that I have the most trouble with. My wiring gets crossed sometimes, and the emotion I’m feeling gets switched up and projected as something else. I’m trying to be more mindful, but it’s so hard when I’m this overwhelmed.

One of my students has a bit of this problem, too. Kevin Ford. Calls himself Wither, and we can all see why. Any living matter he touches just disintegrates. It’s fucking freaky, like the negative side of Marie’s powers gone on steroids. It’s really fucked the kid up, with fear and guilt lying at the base of everything. Thank god we’ve got the technology here to provide him with good full-body clothing like they did with Marie. Better than what Marie got, actually. The kid has gloves that are so thin and sensitive it’s almost as good as touching barehanded, or so he says. It’s still a mindfuck that he can’t touch so many things, though. When his powers first manifested, he inadvertently killed his father and his dog, and most of his clothing disintegrated on contact with him. Jubilee told me that when Dani and Emma went to pick him up, he was hiding in a junkyard and wearing a bunch of pieces of tarp he’d slung together somehow. A lot of the students are afraid of him, even with the protective clothes. Even though I hate Marie with a passion only matched in intensity by the fires of hell, she would probably be a good person for him to chat with once in awhile since she more than anyone else understands what he’s going through. Though, she has her powers much more under control, and we’ve yet to see any indication whether or not Kevin will be able to do the same. Marie's not around, though, and apparently hasn't been in a long time. Not that I care. Just... it would be good for the kid. It would be good if she could show up for Kevin, talk, then get the fuck out until their next meeting. Something like that.

Yeah, I fucking doubt that will happen. That's the way these things always go, isn't it? The ones who need the resources the most are the ones who get screwed over because their needs are so goddamned specific. All in all it’s a shit show for this poor guy.

Kevin is in my Writing course and goddamn if his angst doesn’t give him a lot to write about. He’s got a lot of talent, and I’m trying to foster it. If he’s anything like me, any little bit of encouragement that he has something to give to this world will make a big difference. One of the biggest problems with being a mutant is becoming defined by your powers. I sure as fuck let my own powers define me for a long time. For someone like Kevin, with powers that are nothing but destructive, letting his powers be the only thing that defines him will drive him insane.

In Kevin’s case, I think he’s only true to his emotions in his writing. It’s a place where he can let them out safely, in the form of poetry and stories with deep characters and their lives and mistakes, their hopes and dreams. I think Kevin’s had to put up walls to protect himself from the truth of what happened to him when he manifested, and what might happen in the future. My walls had to do with my parents. My parents and Bobby, if we are going to be really honest. I know Emma’s working with him on some of the psychological stuff, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should take this kid on as another mentee, kind of like Daniel. Maybe. I don’t know, I don’t want to force the issue. But Kevin isn’t the kind of kid to just seek out help, despite how fucked up his life is and the encouragement Emma has likely given him to reach out to us.

I’ve been tossing around the idea of creating a Writer’s Circle, or something like that, for the students who are seriously into writing. Or maybe I should plug my journalism degree and create a school newspaper. Meh. I really don’t have the fucking time to do either, not if I want to continue working on my own stuff. A newspaper would be much reviewing and editing work beyond just advising, so I guess I will just toss that idea right off table. A Writer’s Circle, though… that’s more like a peer review group. That could work, and I could either supervise and just be there listening while I mark or work on other things, or actively take part depending on my workload at the time and how much I like the sound of what they are currently reviewing.

Maybe it would give me some more distraction from this goddamn lawsuit, too.