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    Lux Apollo
  • Lux Apollo
  • Author
  • 05/26/2016
  • 1,360 Words
  • 2,152 Views
  • 6 Comments
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction that combine worlds created by the original content owner with names, places, characters, events, and incidents that are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, organizations, companies, events or locales are entirely coincidental.
Authors are responsible for properly crediting Original Content creator for their creative works.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
Stories in this Fandom are works of fan fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Recognized characters, events, incidents belong to Marvel Comics <br>

Running for Home - 14. September 14, 2021

September 14, 2021

 

 

Jubilee arrived this evening with three new kids in tow. I didn’t think she was still around. Jubilee, of course, slugged me in the shoulder while giving me a shit-eating grin and then proceeded into gossip mode for a few minutes. She was exhausted, though, so we left it alone so she could get some sleep. Pete said he didn’t tell me because he thought it would be a nice surprise since Jubes and I had started to become pretty close in the months before I left with Magneto. It was platonic all the way for both of us, but we’d gotten along and she had a way of drawing me out of some of my funks over the Bobby-Marie debacle. Not that she knew what those funks were about. I guess Jubilee’s not really teaching, more doing the recruitment and counseling end of things. It’s not really something I would have imagined her doing back in the day, but when I think about it I can see how it fits her personality. She does have a way of drawing people out of their shells and getting them to smile again. We’re supposed to hang out tomorrow, probably with Piotr and Jean-Paul and maybe Xi’an and Rachel too.

Speaking of Rachel, now she’s someone I’m not sure what to make of. She’s apparently Cyclops and Dr. Grey’s kid, but from another timeline or universe or whatever. I’m not sure how the fuck that’s even possible but she sure as hell can’t be from here since they’ve been dead for almost twenty years now and they didn’t have any kids that I knew about back in the day. Confusing as shit. No one’s told me how she got here, or why she can’t or won’t go back. If I had to describe Rachel by comparison to her mother, I’d say she’s like if you took a 33-year-old Dr. Grey and made her more punk rock. She seems to get along with everyone. She’s got a good but edgy attitude and isn’t above a little snark here and there. I’m getting the impression that Xi’an has a major crush on her, but I’m not sure if Rachel knows. I hope for Xi’an’s sake that Rachel isn’t her Bobby. I don’t wish this kind of torture on anyone. They’d make a hot couple for lesbians, if Rachel is indeed attracted to other women. Hell, I’d watch that porn tape if it was available, and I’m being totally serious when I say that. I’m not above admitting that I have a tiny not-so-gay side that pops up every once in a while. Not often, but it’s there nonetheless.

Sometimes I wish I’d actually fucked a girl at some point in my life. It’s funny, considering that everyone seemed to think I slept around a bit during high school. After all, I was the bad-ass troublemaker that made the nice girls do naughty things. Yeah, whatever. It’s hard to believe that anyone bought it. There were never any names put forward and no other substantiation of any sort to indicate that I was doing it off school grounds with the locals, let alone with any of the girls at school. You’d think that Bobby would have said something about it at some point, but he didn’t. Or maybe he just believed the rumors too. That’s hard to believe, though, considering how much time we spent together before that cunt Marie came barging into our lives.

That's not to say that I didn't have a couple fumbled experiences with girls. I'd made out with a few on a number of occasions, groping and all, and even got as far as fingering a couple of them. Both of those girls were pretty skanky, though. Girls I met when I was violating curfew and off campus at some parties with the townies. I'd had a few drinks in me both times, but I was curious. In some ways, I still kind of am. Maybe I should find some local chick from Salem Center or somewhere else nearby to fuck once, just for the hell of it. Just to see what it’s like. Maybe I’d even like it. It’s not like I don’t get off when I pull up some straight porn on the internet once every few months or so. Maybe I should just go on a binge of sleeping around in general. Guys, gals, combinations thereof, whatever.

Nobody gets to fuck me, though. Nobody. I won’t let anyone use me like Dom did.

Never again.

Maybe that seems like a stupid line to draw, but it was one of the many things that made my relationship with Dom unequal. I'm versatile. Topping and bottoming are two different sexual experiences. I like them both, and like them for different reasons. For me, they are two different states of mind. Two different needs. Topping I can do virtually any time, but bottoming... that requires a deeper level of trust for me. I have all the respect and yet all the disrespect for guys who can be exclusive bottoms, especially ones whose lives are an endless string of casual sex partners. I could never do that. To me, bottoming is personal, a way of giving myself over to someone else. I only bottomed a handful of times before I was with Dom, and I regretted most of those times. Dom was the first and only person that I ever let consistently top me. Dom was never the bottom, though. He'd suck my dick like a fucking pro by the end of things, but other than a little bit of fingering his prostate while I was blowing him his ass was a no-go zone. I wasn't always happy about it, but I respected his boundaries. Our sex life had started out as a drunken mess and slowly progressed into something real and meaningful, so why wouldn't the sex acts he was willing to try and perform also expand slowly as we continued our journey together?
 
I guess I was naive. In the end, I was just convenient. A hole to stick his dick in, one that stuck around. One that paid the bills. One that he maybe could actually get along with, laugh with, have good times with, plan a future-
 
No.
 
No, we never planned for the future, did we? Or maybe I did, but he didn't. I had ambitions. I knew what I wanted to do, had a direction I wanted my career to go now that maybe I'd have a chance to write and maybe make a difference that way. The pen mightier than the sword, and all that jazz. But Dom? He had nothing - no vision, no plan, no ambition. He was living day by day in some hedonistic fantasy world trying to pretend he was happy with his life. And I was his fucking enabler.
 
They say love is blind, but that is only partly correct. I knew Dom's flaws. I saw them in action for years. I saw it all, and still loved him. Still supported him. Still wanted to be with him. Maybe that's why not being enough hurts so much. I wish it wouldn't hurt anymore. I wish I could have let it all just burn away, die out along with the flames of my furious anger over how it happened, how it ended. It's only been a couple months. I loved him for more than a decade. I guess I shouldn't be expecting to be over it, to be healed. The flesh of the wound has barely knitted together enough to start pulling the stitches out. To early to determine how big the scar will be. To early to determine how long it will be before it is healed away by the ravages of time, slowly closed over by healthy skin as I age and change.
 
 
There are time like these when I wonder if I'll ever be able to pull those stitches out. And there are times when I am not sure if I even want to.
 
© 1963-2022 Marvel Comics, Walt Disney Company; All Rights Reserved; Copyright © 2017 Lux Apollo; All Rights Reserved.
  • Like 12
Stories posted in this category are works of fiction that combine worlds created by the original content owner with names, places, characters, events, and incidents that are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, organizations, companies, events or locales are entirely coincidental.
Authors are responsible for properly crediting Original Content creator for their creative works.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
Stories in this Fandom are works of fan fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Recognized characters, events, incidents belong to Marvel Comics <br>
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Chapter Comments

Headstall

Great chapter, lux. The last paragraph, followed by the last line, was/were brilliant... as in brilliant writing and brilliant content. Such a brutal honesty there. I think he might just be farther along than he realizes. Rachel was a surprise... I don't know if she really exists in the X world, or is a figment of yours. It all comes back to Bobby, doesn't it. As much as he loved Dom, he's never really let go of the 'cool' one. I do think he's in the right place to really heal, but I don't know your mind so... well done... cheers... Gary....

  • Like 2
Lux Apollo
On 08/15/2016 02:36 PM, Headstall said:

Great chapter, lux. The last paragraph, followed by the last line, was/were brilliant... as in brilliant writing and brilliant content. Such a brutal honesty there. I think he might just be farther along than he realizes. Rachel was a surprise... I don't know if she really exists in the X world, or is a figment of yours. It all comes back to Bobby, doesn't it. As much as he loved Dom, he's never really let go of the 'cool' one. I do think he's in the right place to really heal, but I don't know your mind so... well done... cheers... Gary....

Thanks for the kind words, as always. John is very interesting in that he used to be very unself-aware, but all the therapy he had has given him a perspective and ability to be introspective that he could not possibly have had when he was younger. Bobby, clearly, is a largely unresolved issue but it isn't the only one I will touch upon. Many of the others, though, are more subtle and I may not have them come into play as outwardly as Dom and Bobby with their monolithic presence in his psyche. The title of this story implies many things about John's journey that I'm excited about exploring with the reader.

 

Regarding Rachel - she is not a character seen in the movies, but is long established in the comics - she first appeared in print in 1981, when the original Days of Future Past storyline. Actually, the 'sending minds back in time' ability Kitty Pryde displays in the Days of Future Past movie was one of Rachel's abilities, and it was *Kitty* whose mind was sent back in time, not Wolverine. Oh well, that's what happens when the movie studios are too lazy to establish another character, even though they were willing to bring Warpath, Sunspot, Blink and Bishop on screen as part of the future crew. That was actually a major bone I had to pick with the movie - that ability is clearly a psionic one, but Kitty's power of phasing through matter like a ghost is something completely different. Regardless, Rachel will show up from time to time as a minor character to help flesh out John's circle of colleagues and the dynamic between them. :)

  • Like 2
Lux Apollo
On 02/11/2017 04:18 AM, Parker Owens said:

This chapter goes from gossip to hurt so fast the acceleration must be um, superhuman. St John talks about his interactions, and how he might have done things differently, but the moment Dom is mentioned, the pain radiates out of the text. You have done this remarkably well, exposing the reality beneath the surface of St John's monologue.

Thanks Parker! It was definitely the intent for it to work like that, so I'm glad I was successful. I've had two really bad break-ups, and although they happened for very different reasons I remember how easy it was to trip the switch even months afterwards, so I was trying to channel that here.

  • Like 2
Timothy M.

I can totally relate to how he feels about the versatile matter and Dom's refusal to bottom even once. Fair enough if he'd made an effort but couldn't stand it, but to me it's telling of his lack of genuine feelings for St.John. Possessiveness yes, love no. But I don't blame St.John for not figuring Dom out as an asshole before the break-up. And you're not an enabler if people purposely take advantage of you.

  • Like 1
Lux Apollo

The refusal to try is something I find very distasteful, if one partner is versatile and the other is not. You have to make compromises and sacrifices for love, and giving up your best sexual experiences once in a while for your partner is no big deal as long as it's not traumatizing. Though, it's usually tops refusing to bottom as opposed to the other way around if what I here anecdotally is true at all. The 'pure' tops seem to have something psychological that they can't get past. Internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity, to be sure.

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