Running for Home - 35. December 12, 2021

December 12 2021

Jubilee dragged me out shopping again today. I say again because somehow she managed to blackmail me into driving her around during some of the Black Friday insanity last month. I didn’t write about it then and I am not going to write about it now. Not too much. I avoided writing about it back then because I think I’m traumatized enough to never attempt Black Friday shopping again. Jubes could hold a gun to my head and I’d still say no. Although there was some utter hilarity, I spent most of the day wishing I was anywhere else. Yeah, Jubes got some good Black Friday deals. Yeah, the two of us had a good time together. No, it was the situation itself that was complete and utter shit. I can’t handle being stuck in bullshit like that consumer craze.

The theme today was Christmas gifts in New York City. Unfortunately I was an idiot and didn’t really think about whether or not I’d be buying gifts for people this Christmas before we went out. Well, I had a lot of time standing around, shoving through people, waiting in lines, and whatever-the-fuck-else with Jubes all day, so I pretty quickly came to the conclusion that, yes, I would be buying gifts for my friends on faculty at the school. The only problem at that point, however, became deciding what I actually would get for them.

As you can imagine, the situation we found ourselves in had me too irritated to really be able to think. Jubilee kept making suggestions, some of them entirely inappropriate, and all of them not really something that would feel like it was from ‘me’. I didn’t want the people I care about to feel like I was just giving gifts because I felt like I had to, and I didn’t want to feel like I always used to as a teenager spending money that Xavier gave me as an allowance to buy shitty meaningless trinkets or chocolate or whatever. Well, people always like getting chocolate unless they are complete freaks but it’s not like I was getting them stuff that was any good back then, not with the money I had to spend. It felt like I was giving out fucking Valentine’s day cards, complete with the worst sugary processed American milk chocolate I could buy by the cheap bag at the dollar store. At least in my last two years I wrote something to go with the little cards. Some poetry, some borderline-sappy prose.

At least I tried.

Bobby got more than that, though. So did Piotr, Kitty, Jubilee and… Fuck, even Marie, before my resentment grew into that irrational jealous hatred. They each got something a little better. A Tin Man action figure for Piotr. A Hello Kitty pencil case for Jubilee. A costume tiara for Kitty, a pendant for Marie.

And Bobby?

I did something rather masochistic with that one. I gave him a gift certificate to the movies. Enough for two tickets, popcorn, sodas, maybe some crappy candies as well. I wanted to get him tickets to the Red Sox, but that would have been impossible to save up for given the money I was working with. Still, he seemed genuinely thankful. It smarted something fierce that Marie was the one he took with him, but I knew that was coming the moment I decided I was buying them for him. It was stupid, perhaps, but it was what I could afford. Fuck, Bobby would have been happy with just about anything, though. Why didn’t I just get him a BoSox baseball cap instead?

Maybe it was just that pathetic glimmer of hope I just couldn’t let go of, that I just wished in my heart of hearts would come true. I was a lovesick teenager, after all, and teenagers have an inordinate talent for self-torture even at the best of times.

So what did I end up buying today? Not much, truth be told. It sucks that I’m going to have to brave the wild, unwashed masses again but it’s my own goddamn fault. At least I will have a better idea of what I want to get by the time I’ve regained the fortitude to deal with this bullshit again. I’ve decided I’m going to get something small for most of the staff. Probably chocolate or candy or a gift card, little token of thanks for actually giving me a chance to grow into things here and for not using my past as an excuse to make my life miserable. I did get Cecilia a nice bottle of wine and a gift certificate to this restaurant in the City that she apparently loves. She’s been good to me, between taking care of me after being thrown through that wall, for not blabbing to the others about my scars, and as of thirty minutes ago also for giving me a new prescription for the antidepressant and anxiety meds I used to take for my PTSD, no questions asked. Well, a few questions but they were the right ones.

After the mess with Bobby in the Danger Room things were okay for a few days but I’ve had three additional flashbacks in the last few days. On top of that I’ve been completely washed over with this paranoid anxiety since Jubilee and I got back from shopping. There were just too many people around and it was overwhelming and uncontrollable. Now I’m all activated and I feel like some threat is looming, some shit that will sweep me up and I will be completely helpless. I’m a mess of tension and if this gets any worse I could lash out and incinerate anything or anyone that spooks me before I even have a chance to think. It’s completely irrational, and the worst thing is that even though I know that there is nothing I can do about it because it's subconscious, visceral, all through my body.

I know myself well enough to know that this isn’t something that’s going to just disappear. I have days of class left to get through, and what is likely going to be an emotionally difficult holiday break. The holidays are always tough for me, so I expect everything with Dom, reignited friendships, Daniel and everything else to cause more internal drama. I hate taking medication, but I’m going to need this crutch. I mean, I’m already smoking again just from the stress of the lawsuit so I might as well go whole hog on this. Unfortunately the anxiolytic drug I take was not on hand, so I have the right antidepressant but Cecilia had to give me something else to tide me over until I can get my prescription filled in town tomorrow. The drug I did get should be kicking in pretty soon. Here’s hoping it works okay and doesn't have any shitty side effects. I’ll deal with it, but still.

One of the things I hate the most about all this is how weak it makes me feel. Again, objectively, I know that I shouldn't regard this as weakness since I can't help it, but that’s just bullshit the shrinks tell you to make you feel better The reality is that this is impeding my ability to function, and some bad timing with an episode could lead to a disaster. I don’t think I’m at the point where I need to start seeing a psychiatrist again. I’m pretty sure I can handle things with what I already know. I’m sure if worst comes to worst I can get Rachel or Xi’an or even Emma to jump into my head and do some emergency damage control, as disturbing a thought as that is. Maybe it shouldn’t be disturbing. I mean, I trust Rachel and Xi’an. Emma too. I don’t know. I’ve just always been a bit leery of having a telepath doing any deep dives into my head. I don’t really want to think about what they might stumble across while they are in there. Things I know and understand about myself are bad enough, and the things that I maybe don’t know or understand… That scares me.

Okay, I need to stop spinning my tires in the mud. Just writing about all of this is making me even more anxious than I was a few minutes ago. I think I’m going to pour myself a nice glass of scotch, neat, and listen to some music. I need to get some good headphones soon. My laptop has shitty speakers, but they generally do the job. I have a crappy set of earbuds that came with my cell phone, too, but I generally don’t use them because I prefer normal headphones. Headphones are great because they deliver the sound so deeply inward into your body. Sometimes, though, I want something more broad, more open, for the sound to fill the space around me so I can feel it with my entire body and not just my ears and my skull. But I need something with a purer quality than this shitty laptop, something that will help me immerse myself deeply. It helps, I think, to better connect with the emotions and lyrics when you have good sound.

At this point, I need all the help I can get.