Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
Poem Collection - MythOfHappiness - 5. A Number of Firsts
Nervous
My heart slams into my ribs
Like so many birds
Trapped in my chest
Trying their damndest to escape
It kinda hurts
But then,
It kinda feels good too
Which I guess is just
Like everything else
There are so many people here
Flowing in and out
Like a river that can’t make up it’s mind
Music (screams) floods out into the street
Something fast and loud
Two men walk out holding hands
A couple makes out in the alley
So open
And obvious
It’s strange here
I stand still for a moment
Trying unsuccessfully to build up my confidence
Getting myself ready
Or as ready as I can be
I take a step
Push my way into the river
Follow the stream through the doors
Everyone smells so sweet
And so sour
With bitter undertones of sweat and booze
The music is so loud
Pulsing, drowning out everything
So that you can’t hear yourself think
I suppose that’s intentional
Nobody comes here to talk anyway
I elbow my way through the throng
There’s an empty space near the back
I make my way there
Arms and legs swing in relative time
Several people bump into me
I sit down on the couch
A gaudy shade of orange
But strangely comfortable
For something made of pleather
And covered in plastic
I sit there for a few moments
Just taking it all in
Not really my kind of place
But an interesting experience
Nonetheless
A man steps out of the crowd
He stops and looks first left
Then right
His eyes lock on me
And he smiles
That smile kicks my nerves back into overdrive
There’s something predatory about it
About him
His teeth are too sharp I think
His eyes too bright
He starts walking towards me
I shift my weight
the couch suddenly isn’t so comfortable
He makes it to me and sits
Too close
“Hey.”
His voice cuts through the noise
“Hi…”
Mine is so quiet that even I can barely hear it
He smiles again and I shiver
His hand is moving
Slowly
Now it’s on my knee
I don’t know what to do
Should I push it off, or pretend it’s not there?
I turn to him and start to say something
My lips barely open before his close them again
He’s kissing me aggressively
And I don’t know where to put my hands
And my eyes are open
I lean back into the ugly couch
He leans with me
Pressing me into the orange pleather
I think about pushing him away
But it feels strangely good
His hands move
Up and down
Tracing my profile
One slips under my shirt
Pushing it up my chest
I finally close my eyes
And just feel what there is to feel
And there’s so much
His lips
His hands
I don’t know how long
We sit there
When we come up for air
He says something I can’t hear
Over the music and my own heartbeat
“What?”
I yell
“You want to get out of here?”
He yells back
Do I?
This man has to be at least five years older than me
Probably more
And I know exactly what he wants
And I want it too
But should I?
“I… of course I do.”
This makes him smile again
And my heart flutters
In a way that I recognize
And he kisses me again
He takes my hand
And guides me back through the writhing mass
In a way that says he’s done this a million times
And I know he has
A million times, a million boys just like me
Is this a good idea?
I know what I feel -
Hungry
And I know what I want -
Him
But is this safe?
Is it right?
Does it matter?
I’ve wanted this for what feels like forever
But do I want it like this?
We flow out the doors
He guides me to a blue jeep
Parked a block away
I climb in
It smells clean
That’s a good sign right?
He cleans his car
That must mean he’s safe.
No stupid
All it means is that he cleans his car
He starts it up
Some pop song plays on the radio
He turns it off
And we pull away
In silence
Everything’s so quiet now
Or maybe it’s just
Everything seems quieter
Without all that music
And noise
His hand is back on my knee now
The contact burns my skin
It hurts
But then
It feels good too
He pulls into a nondescript parking lot
In front of a red brick apartment building
He climbs out first
Then goes around and opens my door for me
Chivalrous
Once I’m out of the jeep
He slams the door
The beep of the automatic locks
Echos over the empty lot
And I have one last second thought
I shake it off
It’s not like I can just
End this now
I’ve gone too far
This is going to happen
I follow him into the small lobby
Just a grey room with some mailboxes on the wall
He calls the elevator
I watch the number change
Like a countdown of my last seconds
That’s a rather morbid thought
Isn’t it?
Sorry it’s the quiet
It’s getting to me
I’m kinda letting it get to me
We step into the elevator
He puts his key into the slot
And presses the sixth floor
And I feel that odd sensation of
Movement when everything looks still
The number goes up now
He turns to me
That smile again
His too-blue eyes
Glinting in the florescent lights
I’m suddenly reminded of my cat
When she comes home with a dead something
And looks so pleased
Those same sharp teeth
And self satisfied eyes
Then he kisses me again
And the image melts away
Replaced with the hunger
That never really goes away
I want him. Now.
The elevator dings
The doors slide open
He pulls me down the hall
Door number 608
He flips through his keys
The door unlocks with a clunk
Like old doors do
And he swings it open
And we kiss our way through the house
Dropping clothes along the way
He guides me to the bedroom with his body
And maybe a little too roughly
He pushes me onto the bed
And pulls off his shirt
He’s beautiful
He climbs into the bed
Starts taking my clothes off
One by one
I let him
I help him in fact
Then when he’s done
I lean in and taste him
His chest tastes like salt
And something like earth
And he smells like grass and sweat
The whole thing takes about ten minutes
Afterwards, he jumps out of bed immediately
soon I hear the shower turn on
I am no longer a virgin
And I’m not sure how I feel
On the inside that is
Physically I’m sore
And sorta… gooey
And that’s strange
But not as strange as the way that I don’t feel any different
I thought after this
That I would be a different person
Or something like that
But I just feel like me
Weird
He offers to drive me home
But I just have him drop me off back at the club
It’s not till I’ve walked halfway home
That I realize
I never asked his name
- 4
- 1
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you.
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