Running for Home - 43. January 2, 2022

January 02 2022

Breakfast with Jubilee was great. I know she’s only been gone since the 23rd of December, but sitting there with her I realized I missed her being around much more than I thought. She knew something was up with me almost right away. She said that I didn’t look as anxious or stressed as she expected. I shrugged noncommittally. She huffed, but before she could say anything else we were interrupted by the waitress wanting to know what we’d like to drink.

I needed coffee, badly. I didn’t get enough sleep as much because of the stress over the impending court hearing as the fact that I was on Skype with Bobby until midnight Pacific time, which is 3 am Eastern. I almost can’t believe we were talking that long. I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but once again I’m trying not to think about things too much and just let the cards fall as they may. Everything in my life is changing so fast. The fact that it’s relatively comfortable and positive change, too, is astounding. My brain just doesn’t want to accept that, but every day that passes I keep feeling more and more that I’m out of the rut I was stuck in for the last few years and finally standing up on my own two feet, gazing out into the sunlight.

Jubes and I were looking at the menus, but I wasn’t actually feeling breakfast food. I still wanted a bacon fix so I decided pretty much immediately to grab the turkey club with fries and some pickle spears on the side. My mind started to wander while she continued to look at the menu. I couldn’t help but think about the talk with Bobby last night. It was pretty much about nothing, but somehow it felt like we’d communicated volumes. Maybe it felt like that because now we both know how the other feels.

“Oh my God!” I snapped out of my reverie at Jubes’ exclamation. She was staring at me with this shocked, slack-jawed expression for a second but then she broke out into a toothy grin. “You got laid, didn’t you?”

Of course, then the stream of twenty thousand questions started. Who was it? Was it good? Did I use a hook-up app to scope out some hotties in and around my hotel? Yada yada yada. Thankfully she was interrupted by the return of the waitress with our coffees. We placed our orders, and before the waitress even could turn away Jubes fixed me with this devious look. “Alright Johnny, spill the beans.”

I rolled my eyes and told her I didn’t get laid. She called bullshit and I told her I was serious that she was wrong. She studied me for a second, then rolled her eyes. She told me I needed to get over myself and tell her what happened, because I was not the same person she saw when she left before Christmas. I was too happy. I asked her why she was saying that as if it was a bad thing, and she gave me this annoyed look and insisted that, duh, it was obviously a good thing. She just wanted to know why.

I took a sip of my coffee and wrinkled my nose. It was too hot and the blend was meh quality and burnt, but what the fuck was I expecting from a cheap diner like the place we were eating? I needed to consider what I should tell her. Bobby and I hadn’t talked about whether we were going to tell anyone about both him being gay and us being together yet, and I wasn’t entirely comfortable making that decision for him. At the same time, this was Jubilee and I trust her. She wasn’t a blabbermouth, at least not anymore. Not about important things.

I reached for the cream and sugar to try and doctor my coffee into something that was semi-drinkable and took a deep breath. I looked Jubilee in the eyes and asked her to keep this discussion in confidence. Her expression turned serious and she nodded. I took another breath and ran a hand through my hair, which I needed to get trimmed soon. It was getting unruly in the mornings.

“I’m in love with Bobby.”

Jubilee smiled softly, nodding. Apparently she, Xi’an, Dani and Rachel had picked up on how my reactions to Bobby had changed over the last month, maybe longer. Jubes said that there were times when I’d started to visibly brighten when he’d walk into the room. I sighed at yet another example how little I hide my emotions when I’m not purposefully on guard. She asked me how I was dealing with feeling that way about Bobby. I smiled and said I didn’t have to ‘deal with it’. She frowned at me was about to respond but I raised an eyebrow.

She looked confused, then shocked into realization. “No!”

“Yes.”

“He’s–”

“Been deep in the closet. So deep he apparently didn’t even admit it to himself until when he left the School to take up that job in New York a few years ago.”

Jubilee was stunned. She took a sip of her coffee and then almost spit it out, looking down at it distastefully. She shoved it away from her and said she didn’t think it was salvageable even with the cream and sugar. She shook her head, saying she couldn’t believe it. Bobby, gay? But then she started thinking about it, really thinking about it and the pieces started to fall into place for her.

Jubes wanted to know how I figured it out. I told a white lie and said I didn’t, really. The whole hearing Bobby calling out my name while he was masturbating in the showers incident was something I didn’t really want to be telling anyone about. I think Bobby will be eternally grateful to me for that. She’d never let either of us live it down if I told her. Anyway, I told Jubes about the New Years’ party. I told her that I was a bit bold and gave Bobby that sincere, tender, but rather inoffensive kiss on the balcony when I was about to leave just for the hell of it, and how he followed me back into the apartment and returned the kiss. I told her I ended up staying the night, and that we didn’t have sex because I want to take this slow.

She thought it was totally romantic and said I should keep something like that in my toolbox for the next torrid gothic romance novel I write. Whatever. We talked for a while about that and eventually moved on to how I was feeling about the hearing tomorrow. I told her I was nervous, even though I knew everything would more than likely be fine. She was reassuring, even though she said she didn’t really have any idea how something like this works.

My meeting with Vange ran pretty much as I expected it to go. The explanation of how the hearing would proceed should be helpful, I hope. I don’t want to make an ass out of myself in front of the judge because all that will do is make it more likely for them to rule in Dominik’s favor. We went through the case, how we would present my side of the story, all the evidence we had and discussed anything that I thought was outstanding. She had a couple things she wanted to check with me for clarification, but they were pretty insignificant details I thought. I think the thing that was the most reassuring was that Dom’s bank and credit card records showed pretty much exactly the pattern of spending we needed to demonstrate his irresponsibility with the money I gave him, and that he wasn’t using it to help out with responsibilities around the house.

I treated myself to a nice steak dinner and then headed out to the beach. I’m not sure why, but I really wanted to walk along with the waves lapping at my feet, even if it was a January evening. Of course, I didn’t end up with my feet in the water long because it was cold as fuck but it gave me some time to myself to just not-think. I attempted one of those mindfulness meditations that my therapist liked having me do to help get over the PTSD while I was walking. Back when I first started doing them they felt hokey at first, but when it comes right down to it the practice of just paying good attention to the physicality of your body and its sensations, of getting yourself out of your head to really engage with the world around you, it has done wonders for me. It’s helped me break out of some of my more catastrophic thought spirals and also headed off some before they really even took hold, too. It was good for the generalized anxiety and some elements of depression, but the flashbacks and their triggers are a lot harder to deal with. Still, it helps and that’s good enough for me.

I talked with Bobby again tonight. It was a shorter conversation than last night. We both seemed to be in a quiet, introspective mood. He admitted that he misses me, and it makes him feel kind of silly since it’s only been a day and a half since he dropped me off at the airport. We left my car in a free visitor spot in his condo’s garage to save me the airport parking fee. Despite my urge to scoff, his admission really tugged hard on my heartstrings and I almost choked up. I told him I missed him too, and that I loved him. He told me he loved me too, but then lamented that he wanted to be face to face the first time he said it to me. I chuckled and told him that I heard him whisper it when he thought I’d already fallen asleep in his bed at New Years’. I told him that hearing it while wrapped up in his arms was so incredibly intimate and special, and it was more than good enough for me. It will be a memory I’ll cherish forever. Bobby seemed mildly embarrassed that I’d caught his whisper, but mostly just happy.

I know I’m going to sleep like shit tonight, but after that video call with Bobby it’s hard for me to not feel this unfamiliar but gratifying warmth spreading through my chest. It’s a wonderful feeling.