Rehabilitation - 12. The Distance in Your Eyes

“Brett, I’m sorry. Dustin and I are friends and you are just going to have to deal with it,” I said.

 

“That sounds good,” I said to myself in the mirror. “I’m sure he’ll understand.”

 

I stood there in the bathroom looking at the faint purplish bruise which had formed around my eye after I’d gotten home from volleyball practice the previous night. I’d told Brett I was too tired to come over, because I knew he was going to ask a bunch of questions and I didn’t want to lie to him anymore.

 

I put my glasses on and examined myself in the mirror. He was going to notice. There was no way he wouldn’t notice. Even the glasses wouldn’t distract from the bruising.

 

“A volleyball hit me in the face!” I exclaimed. Genius! Of course! A stray volleyball got away from one of the girls and hit me right in the… Fuck. More stupid lies…

 

“Brett, I got hit in the face with a basketball. I can’t tell you how, but maybe if I had my goddamn pain pills it wouldn’t have hurt so bad! No… Fuck. This is gonna suck.”

 

I’d managed to avoid mom so she wouldn’t start asking questions. She’d been with dad until very late, getting ready to bring him home. I knew that sometime this week he’d be able to come home. I couldn’t wait. It felt like I’d been lost the whole summer without him. She’d gone off to work early and then afterward she was heading straight back to be with dad, so I hoped by the time I saw her again my face would be all one color again. It wasn’t that bad. There wasn’t any swelling. I’m sure if you weren’t looking for anything strange you wouldn’t even notice.

 

I walked slowly through the woods on my way to Brett’s house. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him. I had a horrible sense of dread about going, even worse than I’d had about seeing Dustin. I wasn’t even going to bring up the pain pills. I didn’t want to get into a fight with my boyfriend. But I just knew it wasn’t going to go very well. I knew Brett too well. I knew he would pick apart all of the carefully constructed arguments and reasons that I’d come up with as to why it was a good thing that Dustin and I were friends. I wished I could just tell him that I had to be Dustin’s friend because I wanted to save him from the dark path he was heading down by going to the park and selling himself for sex. But I knew that I could never tell him that. He wasn’t mature enough to handle that information responsibly. He would use it to try to destroy Dustin. No, that had to remain a secret from Brett forever.

 

I emerged on Brett’s side of the woods into Mrs. Fox’s yard and walked slowly to the back door of Brett’s house. Before I could even knock Brett answered the door stark naked except for a pair of reading glasses that I knew he didn’t need and a Yankees ballcap turned backward.

 

“Hi, wanna fuck?” Brett greeted me.

 

Well, any thought that I had of a carefully constructed conversation went out the window about as fast as my clothes ended up all over the floor of Brett’s bedroom. Within about five minutes I’d gone from walking through the woods wondering how I was going to talk to Brett about all the heavy issues on my mind to laying on my back buck naked with him on top of me guiding my dick to his already lubed-up asshole.

 

Come on, of course I fucked him! There was something about Brett that made my brain turn off and my dick turn on when I was with him. Unfortunately, my dick’s not as smart as my brain. I mean, have you ever followed your boyfriend’s naked ass up a set of stairs? If you’re not ready to do anything he wants by the time you reach the top you’re a better man than I am!

 

Once Brett had successfully gotten all of me into him, he began rocking his hips back and forth. He was enjoying the ride and I was enjoying the view. What can I say? Brett is really hot! His eyes are just amazingly beautiful, so blue and clear. It’s like looking into the ocean. His face is absolutely perfect. His smile could melt steel. His body had matured into a young man’s shape. I don’t know how someone who didn’t work out or do much exercise could be so fit! I was still scrawny and awkwardly boney compared to him. Somehow the reading glasses and the backward ballcap added an element of sexuality to his already sexy features.

 

He leaned forward to kiss me, causing my dick to pull out of him. We didn’t care. We just held each other and kissed for a while, our dicks jostling between our bodies. He pushed himself back up and reinserted my dick into his body and slowly lowered himself against my hips.

 

“Do you know how much I love you?” he asked. He rested his hands on my chest and increased the pace of his lovemaking. He leaned down without letting me slip out of him and whispered. “I love you so much, Billy! I love feeling you inside me. You’re so fucking hot.”

 

I just groaned and squeezed his nipple. Yeah, my brain was somewhere out in orbit. Brett rode me like a bucking bronco and his dick slapped heavily against my belly repeatedly. He leaned back and rested his hands on my thighs as he rode me.

 

“Jesus, this is fucking amazing!” he panted, closing his eyes. “It feels so fucking good!”

 

We were so into each other it felt like he was inside my mind.

 

Brett suddenly opened his eyes and looked at me with an expression of confusion and lust all at the same time. I’d never seen such a thing in my life. Brett’s eyes widened and his expression became one of shock and surprise. “Oh my god! I think I’m gonna cum!” he said. His eyes rolled upward and his dick began to spasm. “I am!!! I’m… Oh god! Oh god! Ohhhhh my gawd!!!!” Without even touching it, Brett’s dick suddenly released a stream of cum that poured out of him like he was taking a piss. It jerked upward and then a huge blast of the stuff shot all the way up to my neck and my chest. “Holy fucking Jesus!” Brett cried so loudly that the neighbors probably heard him as he experienced the orgasm of his life. Through it all he continued to pump his ass against my hips. His whole body shuddered. I’d never seen so much cum. I was soaked!

 

Brett pulled off of me and collapsed next to me like he was dead. There was still cum oozing from his dick. I couldn’t help but be proud of the moment. I’d just made my boyfriend cum without touching himself! I felt like some kind of sex god! It took about three seconds of jerking myself off for me to add my own load to the flood that Brett had already made all over my chest and belly. For a while we just lay there next to each other, having experienced one of the most powerful acts of lovemaking any two lovers could experience together.

 

“What the hell just happened?” I asked weakly.

 

“I think you just fucked the spooge out of me.” Brett replied. He set aside the fake reading glasses and propped himself up next to me and began to swirl our cum together with his finger on my belly. He scooped the mixture together and licked it from his fingers. “Wow, this is literally what love tastes like,” he said. He leaned down and then licked all the way from my belly button to my chest, slurping up our combined juices.

 

“Love tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios and bleach, huh?” I laughed.

 

“Well, Honey Nut Cheerios, bleach, and Mountain Dew, ‘cause mine is mixed in there too.”

 

“Your jizz doesn’t taste like Mountain Dew, no matter how much of that shit you drink.”

 

“Okay smarty-pants. What does my spooge taste like?”

 

“I don’t know! It’s not like anything else I’ve ever tasted before. It tastes like cum, I guess.”

 

Brett laughed. “You know, you’re smart but you’re not very creative. I think mine tastes like peanuts and bleach. Here, try some.” He offered a cum soaked finger to my lips and I sucked the juice from it. It did sort of taste like peanuts and bleach!

 

After a while I grabbed a rag and wiped up what was left of our spooge and then I rolled onto my side. Brett snuggled up behind me and cuddled me. It felt good snuggling with him, feeling the heat of his body against mine. But while we were laying there with each other I couldn’t relax. I kept trying to figure out how I was going to tell Brett about my reconciliation with Dustin.

 

“I love you,” Brett whispered in my ear. It was like a knife in my heart, knowing that I was about to blow it all up. I just lay there.

 

It was awkwardly quiet for what seemed like hours. Brett pulled away from me and sat cross-legged on the bed behind me. I knew he knew something was wrong.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” he asked.

 

“What do you mean?” I asked, still facing away from him. “Nothing’s up.”

    

Brett sighed. “It’s just… You… You’ve been kinda distant lately.”

 

“Distant?” I asked. “What are you talking about?”

 

“I don’t know… It’s like you’re pulling away from me.”

 

“Pulling away from you? That’s ridiculous! I just fucked you. I could have sworn I just fucked you so good you came all over me without even touching yourself! If that’s distant I’d love to see what it’s like when I’m really into it! Distant! That’s just stupid.”

 

“Well you don’t have to get all pissy about it,” Brett snipped. “It just seems like you’ve had something on your mind for a week or so now. I’m worried about you. I love you.”

 

I threw my legs over the side of the bed and sat up on the edge, still facing away from him. “Brett… I’m fine. It’s just…”

 

“Billy, look at me,” Brett insisted, putting his hand on my back.

 

I tried to turn so that I wasn’t facing Brett with the bruised side of my face, but it was no use. Brett noticed.

 

“Take your glasses off,” he insisted.

 

“No,” I snapped.

 

“Billy, look at me.”

 

“Brett…”

 

Brett snatched the glasses off my face before I could stop him. “What the fuck happened?”

 

“Nothing! I’m fine!”

 

“How’d you end up with a black eye?”

 

“I don’t have a black eye! It’s nothing. A volleyball hit me yesterday.”

 

“Billy, don’t lie to me,” Brett warned.

 

“I’m not!” I protested. “What? I can’t just enjoy the afterglow of really great sex without getting pestered and accused of hiding things from you?”

 

“Who said anything about hiding things?”

 

“You did!” I insisted.

 

“No I didn’t. Why are you lying to me? Just stop! I just want you to tell me the truth. I don’t think that’s too much to ask!”

 

I sighed. He wasn’t going to make this easy. “Okay… I was going to tell you anyway but then you wanted to fuck.”

 

“Billy, just tell me,” Brett said.

 

“Okay, fine. Dustin and I…”

 

“Fuck! I knew it was him! Goddammit Billy!”

 

“I didn’t even say what happened!”

 

“Let me guess! He was all like, ‘Oh Billy… I’m soooo sorry I was such a dick to you. Will you be my friend again?’” Brett mocked. “And I’ll bet you were like, ‘Oh Dustin, let’s be best of friends forever!’ God, you are such a bitch!”

 

“Brett, please…”

 

“I thought we were done with that stupid idiot! We just had the best month ever without that jack hole in our lives. Why do you want to let him back in? We were so happy this last month without him!”

 

“He’s my best friend, Brett! Maybe you’ve been happy without him but I haven’t been! I’ve missed him! I love him!”

 

“You love him? What about me?”

 

“What about you? You know I love you. I don’t love Dustin the way I love you. You don’t need to be jealous of him. He’s been my best friend forever, Brett!”

 

“I am not jealous of that fucking piece of shit! I just don’t want my boyfriend hanging out with someone as dangerous as him! I don’t understand why you want to get dragged into that guy’s shitty life!”

 

“It’s not his fault his life is so full of shit, Brett! And you’re not making it any easier for him! You’re the bully! Not him! Not me!”

 

“You think… You really…” Brett sputtered. He hopped off the bed and looked around the floor. “Where the fuck did I put my clothes?”

 

“I don’t know! You were naked when I got here.”

 

“Oh, don’t fucking remind me!” Brett snapped as he pulled up his boxers. “I certainly don’t want to be naked with you now. Anything else you wanted to tell me before I bullied you into fucking me? Anything else you want to accuse me of? Let me guess? It’s my fault you got a black eye?”

 

“It was just a stupid basketball…”

 

“Don’t give me that basketball crap!” Brett snapped. He tugged his pants on and tightened his belt.

 

“Don’t you think you’re being a big baby about all of this?” I asked. I gathered up my clothes and started dressing myself. Brett found his shirt and pulled it on after he’d tossed his hat aside.

 

“I don’t know! Maybe I should ask my fucking therapist! You know, since I’m a fucking freak now thanks to you and that fucking cunt who calls herself my mother!”

 

“Brett, getting help doesn’t make you a freak!”

 

“Brett stormed over to his desk and pulled out a pill bottle. He threw it at my chest and I caught it and looked at it.”

 

“What’s this?” I asked.

 

“Look at it,” he insisted.

 

I looked at the label. “Anthony B. Reilly… Adderall… What’s is this?”

 

“It’s my freak pills. I fucking told you the help I’d get if my mom sent me to a fucking doctor! I’m a fucking freak now, Billy! A goddamn freak!”

 

“Getting the help you obviously need doesn’t make you a freak,” I said.

 

Brett scowled viciously at me. “I don’t want some asshole’s fucking help, Billy! I was perfectly fine without this goddamn shit!”

 

“If you’re so fine then why were you so upset about me throwing away your pot?”

 

“Because I was being stupid, Billy! I never needed that shit. Never! I tried it. It gave me a buzz, made me a little happier, and fucked me up when I stopped using it! I learned my fucking lesson! I turned into a monster without it! I hated who I became because of it! What’s going to happen to me with shit that is intentionally designed to fuck up my brain? I don’t want to have my brain fucked up!”

 

“Brett, I really want to believe you. But how can I when I know you took my pain pills?”

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“My pain pills. You know, the ones you stole from me before I moved back home.”

 

“Is that what you’re being so pissy about? Yeah, I took one of your stupid pain pills day I sent you to the store. Does that make me a fucking criminal?”

 

“Well, sort of, yeah. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean the whole bottle disappeared. You were the last person who had them. I haven’t seen them since.”

 

“Wait… You’re accusing me of stealing all of your pain pills? The whole bottle? Really?” he asked.

 

“Who else could it have been? I don’t have them and you were the last one who did. So why should I believe you didn’t steal them when you’ve already admitted you took one and you are the one who was smoking dope?”

 

“Are you seriously accusing me of stealing from you? I mean, is this seriously where this relationship has gone? You're seriously calling me a thief?”

 

“I’m not the one with a drug problem,” I replied.

 

“My only problem is that my boyfriend is calling me a thief and a liar!” Brett said. “I’m telling you, I don’t have your goddamn pills!”

 

“Yes you do! Just give them to me and we can put all this behind us,” I said.

 

“I can’t give you something I don’t have! I swear to Christ I don’t have your mother fucking pills!”

 

“I don’t believe you!” I replied.

 

“Dude, I put them in your fucking suitcase! I did take one, and you saw what it did to me! It knocked me out for a fucking whole day! That shit’s fucking scary! It could kill you! Why the fuck would I want to take a whole fucking bottle of them? I figured you knew I took one. I thought I told you.”

 

“You never told me!” I replied. “And that’s beside the point now! I thought I knew you. I hate accusing you of this, but there’s no other possibility!”

 

“You couldn’t have misplaced them?”

 

“You were the last one I saw them with Brett! This is killing me! I hate this! Just tell me the truth!”

 

“Billy, I didn’t take your stupid mother fucking pills. I don’t know who did. I don’t care who did! It could have been your mother for all I know!”

 

“Why would my mother take my pain pills?”

 

“Who else could it have been? Because I sure as fuck didn’t take them!”

 

“Okay, whatever. Just keep on lying to me. Even if you didn’t take the whole bottle you did take one and didn’t tell me. I don’t get it! You’ll take my stupid pain pills but you’re afraid to take the pills prescribed for you by a doctor that will actually fucking help you function!”

 

“You don’t understand, Billy! They want to fuck with my head! They want to turn me into something I’m not! How would you like it if your mother told you you’re not good enough for her the way you are and she wanted to turn you into something you’re not?”

 

“That’s not what she’s trying to do! Brett, you have some serious problems. I’m sorry, but you do. You know you do. And it’s not that your mom is trying to change who you are. She’s trying to help you with some of the things in your life that are causing your problems.”

 

Tears formed in Brett’s eyes. “I can’t believe this. She’s turned you against me!”

 

“No one is against you, Brett! Your mom loves you!”

 

“My mom is a stupid fucking cunt and so are you!” Brett snapped. “You know what? Fuck this! I don’t need this shit! You want to be friends with Dustin? Fine. When he gets you in trouble don’t come crying to me! I mean, maybe he took your fucking pills. He knows where the key to your house is. I’m sure he could sell them to his sister for a pretty penny. Maybe he snuck in and took them when you weren’t home. You didn’t think of that, though, did you? You just went right to accusing me because he’s poisoned your mind against me! But you want to accuse me of stealing your fucking pills? That’s fine. You want to call me a liar and a thief? Fine! You want to take my Dustin’s side and be a jerk? That’s fine too! You’re supposed to be my boyfriend not his! You want to take my mom’s side and make me change my brain and become something I’m not? That’s fine. You’re supposed to stand by me when no one else does! You’re supposed to be on my side, not theirs!”

 

“I am your boyfriend, and I am on your side! But your mom is right. You need serious help,” I replied. “Sorry if that hurts your precious feelings.”

 

Brett fumed, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “You’re really pissing me off. I think you should leave before I really get mad and do something I don’t want to do.”

 

“I’m not leaving until we work this out!” I protested. “Why do you have to be such a jerk?”

 

“I don’t know! I’m not the one who is accusing people of stealing and lying! You have no evidence! It’s that fucking Dustin! He’s turned you against me!”

 

“That’s ridiculous, Brett! Dustin doesn’t like you, that’s true. But he accepts that we’re together.”

 

“If you love me you’ll tell him to get lost,” Brett insisted.

 

“No. I can’t do that to him. Not this time. Not again. You’re just going to have to accept that I’m going to be his friend whether you like it or not.”

 

“If you want to keep having sex with me then you need to tell Dustin to go take a hike.”

 

“Now you’re just being a dick, Brett!” I protested. “You know I won’t do it.”

 

“Okay. Then why don’t you take a hike?” Brett said coldly.

 

“Are you serious?” I asked.

 

“You want to be his friend, go ahead. Just understand that you’re losing me as a result,” he said. “I won’t be fucked by someone who accuses me of being a liar and a thief. Fuck that!”

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

 

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me! You’re an ungrateful asshole! I let you stay here. I let you play with my stuff. I let you fuck me! Hell, I even let you cum inside me over and over like I’m your own private cum dumpster! And how do you repay me? You accuse me of stealing from you! I would never steal from you. I took one little pill from you and now you think I’m a fucking junkie looking for a fix! Yes, it was fucking stupid. I get it. You’re a fucking super genius and I’m a moron. But it’s more than that! You take my mom’s side against me and you won’t even do the one thing I ask you to do for your own good. You think you’re so smart. You think everyone’s a retard except for you. Well I’m not a retard, Billy. I’m tired of being treated like I’m stupid. I’m not stupid! You don’t respect me, you just use my ass to get your rocks off. Well I’ve had it! It’s either Dustin or me. It’s your choice.”

 

“Why are you being so selfish?”

 

“I’m not being selfish.” Brett replied.

 

“Yes you are! You’re being an immature selfish little brat!”

 

“No I’m not!”

 

“Yes you are!”

 

“Am not! Am not! AM NOT!!!!” Brett screamed, stamping his foot each time.

 

“YES YOU FUCKING ARE!” I replied. “God, this is so fucking retarded! You’re such a baby! You always have to have your way! You have to keep me under control just like I’m your property! That’s why you’re so mad, because I’m not one of your stupid little pets that you can keep in a cage and play with whenever you want. And you are being a selfish little brat!”

 

“You fucking traitor!” Brett cried. “Get the fuck out of my house!”

 

“Fine!” I shouted angrily.

 

“FINE!” Brett shouted even louder.

 

“FINE!” I shouted back.

 

“FINE!!!! This is the thanks I get for loving you!” Brett shouted. “You’re a miserable fucking asshole, Billy.”

 

“And you’re a stupid retarded bastard!” I shouted. I stormed out of his bedroom and down the stairs. I was walking toward the back door when Brett came down the back staircase and met me at the door.

 

“Hey!” He grabbed me by the shoulder and spun me around. “You’re not going to walk away like that.”

 

I stopped and faced him. “You told me to leave so I am. You want to be a jerk? I can be one too.”

 

“What the fuck is your problem? Why did you have to call me that? I didn’t deserve that. That was a low blow, Billy. Why do you always have to go nuclear? Yeah, we were fighting but why would you call me that? You know who calls me that? Dustin. This is all his fault. Can’t you see what he’s doing to us? He tearing us apart!”

 

“Okay, first of all, it’s nuclear, not nuke-u-lar. Second, I’m not ditching Dustin. He needs me. I’ve ditched him enough for you. Now, is that all you have to say?” I asked.

 

Brett stared angrily at me. “Really, Billy? You want to choose right now to pick on the way I pronounce things? God, you are so fucking frustrating! Ever since we started having sex you’ve been acting like a dick! Just because you fucked me doesn’t mean you own me. Oh, I’m so mad at you right now I better not say anything else.”

 

“Good. I was tired of hearing you talking anyway! I wish we’d never had sex! All it did was fuck everything up! I’m out of here!” I turned and walked to the door.

 

“If you walk out that door, don’t come back until you learn to treat me with some goddamn respect!” Brett said.

 

“I’ll respect you when you earn it!” I replied. “Next time I see you, you better have my pills.” Then I stormed out the door. I stormed up to the woods and furiously kicked a tree stump as hard as I could. Then I sat down on it because my foot was sore. Away from the heat of the moment, I started to realize just how ridiculous Brett and I had just been.

 

“What the fuck just happened?” I asked myself aloud. How had we gone from mind-blowing sex to at each other’s throat in such a short time? I told myself that it was all Brett’s fault for lying about the pills and being such a jerk about Dustin. He didn’t understand the situation. I had to save Dustin. The only way that could happen was if we were friends again.

 

At his house, I hoped that Brett had realized how wrong and unreasonable he was being. I hoped he felt sorry for how he had acted. I wasn’t his pet. I was his boyfriend, or at least I had been. He couldn’t expect to control me like that. At the time that I was saying the words, I felt so right. I felt like I was only saying what needed to be said. But now, all I felt was my guts being ripped right out of me. I was torn up inside. I was angry with myself, angry at Brett, angry at God. I sat there on that stump for who knows how long. There was no one to turn to. There was no one to comfort me. Dad was fifty miles away. Mom would never understand. Grandma was dead. God didn't care. Then I realized that there was somebody who might understand. I walked toward Dustin's house.

    

I knocked on the door, but there was no one home at Dustin’s place. Then I noticed Mike’s Mustang was parked in his driveway, so I walked over to his house. I knocked a few times until Mike showed up at his door wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.

 

“Hey, I was in the shower,” Mike said.

 

“You’re a dick,” I said. “You said you were going to talk to Dustin and you didn’t. You said you were going to help Dustin and you haven’t. Now your fucking messed up life is ruining my fucking life.”

 

“I can explain about Dustin. The rest, you’ve lost me…”

 

I pushed him aside and walked into his trailer. I sat down on his couch and pouted.

 

“Maybe I should put some clothes on,” Mike said.

 

“No. You’re going to fucking fix everything and I don’t care about what happens to you.”

 

“It would help to know what I’m supposed to be fixing.”

 

“Because of you I just had a huge fight with Brett. He knew I was hiding something about Dustin, but because you told me to keep quiet everything just blew up. Now he hates me.”

 

“I seriously doubt that he hates you.”

 

“You don’t know anything. I thought you were supposed to be an adult, Mike! I thought you were cool and that you’d have some damn idea of what you were talking about. But you’re just a stupid kid yourself! You’re worse than a kid, because you should know better! If you hadn’t fucked Dustin everything would have been fine!”

 

“I know what I did was dumb. But we can’t change that now. All we can do is try to help Dustin as best we can.”

 

“Do you think Dustin loves you? He doesn’t. He’s using you, Mike. You’re a warm hole to him, nothing more. You’re his cum dumpster. He uses you to get off just like you use him, but you’re an adult and you should know better.”

 

“Is that what you’re upset about? You think I’m just using Dustin?”

 

“I know you are. You’re twenty-two, Mike. You shouldn’t be fucking a teenager, especially Dustin. You’re fucking with his head!”

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t told myself before, Billy. But I can still save him.”

 

“Oh spare me!” I sighed.

 

“No listen to me, I’ve given Dustin a job here with me working on computers. It’s not a lot, but it’ll keep him from having to go to the park for cash. I don’t care if Dustin loves me, I love him. I don’t want to see him get hurt. The reason I didn’t talk to him about you is because I didn’t want to let him know that you knew about him and I couldn’t think of any way to tell him I talked to you. I really think he might stop what he’s doing if he has a friend like me to guide him.”

 

“More like a friend who fucks him?” I asked. “You’re so full of shit, Mike. I think you’ve done all this because you just want to fuck a teenage boy. Well I’m a teenager too, Mike. Is it Dustin that you love or is it the thrill of having a teenage dick up your ass?”

 

“That’s not what’s going on,” Mike replied. “I’m not a pedophile.”

 

“Hell, my boyfriend just broke up with me. You want me to fuck you? I’ll fuck you right now, Mike, if you’ll promise to leave Dustin alone.”

 

“Billy, that’s not what I want. Now stop it and you listen to me. I’m not a pedophile. What I did with Dustin was a mistake. But I love him! You hear me? I love Dustin and you love Brett. I don’t know what has gotten into you. There might have been a time when I’d have taken you up on this, but I’m not that guy anymore. Now shut up and listen for once in your life.” Mike paced back and forth. “I know what you’re going through. Hell, I bet I can even guess why your boyfriend is mad at you. But if you do something stupid right now you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

 

“You don’t know shit about me or about Brett!” I replied.

 

“Let me guess. You said you fucked him, right? Bareback, I’m sure. ‘Cause kids like you think condoms are stupid and you’ll never get an std. And since you didn’t use protection I’ll bet you came in his ass. I’ll bet not long after that he started acting weird, maybe even a little snippy with you. And I’m going to guess that he blew up at you this afternoon not because you’re friends with Dustin but because he doesn’t think you respect him.”

 

“How the hell did you know all that?” I gasped.

 

“Because I’ve been Brett. I’ve been the bottom for the boy I loved. If you’ve never had another guy cum inside you, you don’t know what it does to you. Sure you want it to happen and it’s awesome, but at the same time it changes you. You’re giving your heart to a guy and you let him do the most intimate and personal thing that a guy can do to you. It’s an incredibly powerful moment, you’re giving him your heart and your body and now part of him is inside of you forever. You wake up the next day and the guy you loved so much acts like he always has, as if nothing’s changed. You’ve changed but he hasn’t. But you can’t turn off the new feelings you have for him. You start questioning what it’s all about. You wonder if the other guy loves you or if he’s just using you to get off. You feel like his property. You try to take control of your life and his. You do it again and again, trying to have control over these urges, trying to prove you’re a real man. You’ve made this deep connection with another boy, but at the same time you start to notice every little dig, every little slight that boy sends your way. It’s all heightened because you feel like you’re being used. Eventually something snaps and you need to vent. You need to feel like you’re a real man. Just because you get fucked doesn’t change that, it’s just how you’ve chosen to express yourself sexually. So eventually something sets you off and you blow up at the boy who did it to you because all you want is some goddamn respect from him.”

 

“How do you know all this stuff?” I asked.

 

“I told you, I’ve been Brett. He loves you enough that he let you fuck him. It was more than a fuck to him. You didn’t just put your cock in him! He let you into a sacred, private place. You may have let him in your heart, but he let you into his soul. And when you came in him, you put something inside of him that will stay with him forever. Part of you is inside of him, something more than semen, something deeper than blood. He’s trying to adjust to that. You don’t know what it’s like, Billy. He gave himself to you, and now he’s trying to reassert himself.”

 

“He did say I need to respect him more,” I said.

 

“Do you?” Mike asked.

 

“Well, I did accuse him of taking my pain pills.”

 

“I’d say that’s a yes.”

 

“I knew sex was going to fuck everything up,” I sulked. “I wanted to wait longer. But it just happened out of nowhere. It all happened too fast.”

 

“For you maybe. I’ll bet Brett feels differently. I’ll bet he’s wanted it to happen for some time. I’m guessing the first time you did it wasn’t the first time he’d asked. It takes a long time to get yourself to the point where you’re willing to bottom the first time. At least it did for me, and especially if you’re a virgin. There’s a lot of stuff going on in Brett’s head right now. I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m just trying to help you see things from his point of view. About the only way you’ll really understand is to put yourself in his shoes.”

 

“Yeah… I’m supposed to be a genius. But when it comes to people, I’m such a dunce. Brett’s so much smarter than me when it comes to things like this. In some ways, he’s more mature than me. I guess I thought he was okay with what we did.”

 

“I’m sure he was, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to automatically be cool with everything. It takes a while to get comfortable with being who you are. You guys took a huge step together, and it takes a while to sort it all out. It sounds to me like you two love each other a lot, and that’s important. Don’t end up like me, Billy. By my senior year I’d lost count of how many guys I’d slept with. I kept trying to find that feeling of euphoria I felt that first time. Sex can be worse than drugs.”

 

“I guess so. Hey, I’m sorry about dumping everything on you.”

 

“It’s okay. You’re a kid who got his heart ripped out. You’re supposed to be an idiot. Go home. Rest on everything for the night. Then go see him tomorrow. Don’t be surprised if you get laid. Make up sex is pretty awesome.”

 

"Yeah," I said. “That’s how this whole mess got started.”

 

I walked slowly back up through the woods to the intersection at the top of the hill. I stood there for a minute, unsure of which way I should go. I decided to turn toward home like Mike had said. The path seemed much longer than usual. It felt like my shoes were filled with lead and my foot still hurt from kicking the stump. I was going to break a toe someday because of my temper. I unlocked the door and walked into our kitchen and I checked the answering machine. There were three messages. Could it be? Would there be one from Brett? I pressed the play button.

 

“Good Evening Mr. Roberts, I'm calling on behalf of Americans for a Telemarketer Free World! For only a small donation of…”

 

I pressed delete. The machine moved on to the next message.

 

“Hey Billy! It's Joey. Call me. I want to talk to you about something.”

 

Hmmm… I hadn't seen Joey since school ended and I couldn’t say I missed him. I wondered what he wanted. I saved the message and moved on to the third.

 

“Billy, it's mom. I'm going to be late tonight. I have good news! Dad's coming home tomorrow!”

 

While I should have been excited to find out about dad coming home, my heart felt like it had been put back in only to drop down through my knees. Brett hadn’t called. The phone didn't ring the rest of the night. I sat naked in the tub with the portable phone right where I could reach it and a goddamn bag on my arm. I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner with that phone within reach. And I fell asleep on the couch with it on the table beside me. But in spite of all that, the phone never rang.