My Story - 1. My Story

wow. very emotional. never again, its a prayer, slogan, rallying cry, and a reminder.

I'm left speechless... I'm just a young man in his early twenties, it's difficult to imagine what it must have been like to be gay so long ago.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I hope writing it down, was in some way, cathartic. 

Thank you for all your generation endured and did to help change things so that we could at least get to the place we are now.

Your story must have been hard to tell, yet so many need to hear it. The pain, and your hurt speak volumes to me. Thank you for sharing this and for letting so many know they are not alone. 

Thank you Drew. It was something I needed  to do. I'm left with a smouldering anger. No person should have to endure such torture. My story isn't as bad as Alan Turing. Not only did he build one of the first computers he also saved many lives (and shortened the war) by cracking the Nazi Enigma code. What did they do to him. He approached a young man and was caught. He was charged and sentenced to chemical castration. Soon after he killed himself. It's so sad .  .  . so wasteful. You sound like a really nice person .  .  . go and have a happy life. 

2 hours ago, WolfM said:

Thank you for all your generation endured and did to help change things so that we could at least get to the place we are now.

Thanx WolfM. It's all in the past now but a warning to your generation .  .  . dont let those religious and other right wingers ever get into a position of influence again. Hope your life is going well and that you're happy

2 hours ago, Parker Owens said:

Your story must have been hard to tell, yet so many need to hear it. The pain, and your hurt speak volumes to me. Thank you for sharing this and for letting so many know they are not alone. 

Thanx Parker .  .  . your comments encourage me. I'm not the only one who has suffered; have a read of what happened to Alan Turing. A great man cut down by religious bigotry. I hope your life's going well and you've achieved some happiness.

Thank you for sharing. I have no words on how to express how much my heart is feeling the pain from this. Thank you.

Sometimes I wonder how humanity has survived.  Why is there this need to impose such horrors on those different or not what is deemed "normal"?   It's happened so much to so many groups.   I cry for what you and others of your generation endured.  TOLERANCE, ACCEPTANCE!   The hell with love thy neighbor.   Just tolerate or accept them.  A very powerful,  well-written piece.  Thank you.

10 hours ago, avidreadr said:

Sometimes I wonder how humanity has survived.  Why is there this need to impose such horrors on those different or not what is deemed "normal"?   It's happened so much to so many groups.   I cry for what you and others of your generation endured.  TOLERANCE, ACCEPTANCE!   The hell with love thy neighbor.   Just tolerate or accept them.  A very powerful,  well-written piece.  Thank you.

Thanx .  .  . Im really appreciated your comment and thanx for taking time to contact me. I guess our problems stem from the bible and christianity. The same Christians who are extolling 'love thy neighbour' are condemning gays. Were it not for the cry of 'the jews killed christ' I doubt if we would have had hatred of the jewish people. My story is but a drop in the ocean of Intolerance.

I am touched and speechless..Thank you for sharing such intimate feelings.

I was looking for something else but found you. I've been married now for seven years to a wonderful man.  We live in Ontario, Canada .. where things were bad years ago but have changed and are still improving for LGBT people. It's because of all of you before us, we can live like we do now. It's because of all of you, Michael and i can walk hand-in-hand.  

Your poem was very well done. You have said so much and I nearly missed it.  I have put a link to it in the Live Poet's Society in hopes more will read it. 

Thanks again for sharing it and your experience. 

tim 

Thank you.

11 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

I was looking for something else but found you. I've been married now for seven years to a wonderful man.  We live in Ontario, Canada .. where things were bad years ago but have changed and are still improving for LGBT people. It's because of all of you before us, we can live like we do now. It's because of all of you, Michael and i can walk hand-in-hand.  

 

Your poem was very well done. You have said so much and I nearly missed it.  I have put a link to it in the Live Poet's Society in hopes more will read it. 

 

Thanks again for sharing it and your experience. 

 

tim 

Thanx Tim .  .  . your comment was very much appreciated. We all must guard against those punitive times occurring again. You are to be congratulated on a happy marriage to MIchael. Wish you manny, many more years  of happiness.

17 hours ago, atlteddy said:

I am touched and speechless..Thank you for sharing such intimate feelings.

Thanx .  .  . I really appreciate your response. I wish you a very happy life.

On 19/08/2017 at 9:52 PM, BHopper2 said:

Thank you for sharing. I have no words on how to express how much my heart is feeling the pain from this. Thank you.

Thanx .  .  . your comment is appreciated. I hope you're happy and enjoying this wonderful life we call being gay

I was born in 1950 into a sadistic Catholic environment.

I knew that I was different by the time I was 5 but I had no idea what the word for was.

However my parents aunts and uncles knew what I was and they were either Baptist or Catholic.

So 6 months before the first grade begin for me they began a pogrom to make me walk like a boy and talk like a boy and behave like a so-called boy.

This was accomplished through coercion and beatings. Then I was yelled at for being depressed and beaten for being depressed.

I was never going to be what they wanted me to be because I could not give them what I did not possess. So they stole my childhood from me and put me through hell before I was even a teenager and put me through more hell as a teenager. They made one mistake, they enrolled me in a martial arts school at the age of 10. I discovered acceptance by a martial arts instructor that never yelled at me and always encouraged me. He took me from a 10 year old boy that could not even execute a single push-up to a martial artist that by age 16 my father could no longer abuse with impunity. It would be 17 more years before I could come out as an openly gay man in 1983. I lost my virginity the same year. 20 years after that after seeing a psychologist for two and a half years I learned to not hate myself from my Catholic upbringing and began to even realize I could love myself. Fuck religion. I will only say there were a number of Catholic and Baptist boys that found themselves in the emergency room when they thought they were going to harm me, for being "different".

I never grew up being happy because I grew up alone denied any companionship and ostracized by both my school and my family and even my age peer group.

On 07/11/2017 at 2:25 PM, Ricky_writer said:

I was born in 1950 into a sadistic Catholic environment.

I knew that I was different by the time I was 5 but I had no idea what the word for was.

However my parents aunts and uncles knew what I was and they were either Baptist or Catholic.

So 6 months before the first grade begin for me they began a pogrom to make me walk like a boy and talk like a boy and behave like a so-called boy.

This was accomplished through coercion and beatings. Then I was yelled at for being depressed and beaten for being depressed.

I was never going to be what they wanted me to be because I could not give them what I did not possess. So they stole my childhood from me and put me through hell before I was even a teenager and put me through more hell as a teenager. They made one mistake, they enrolled me in a martial arts school at the age of 10. I discovered acceptance by a martial arts instructor that never yelled at me and always encouraged me. He took me from a 10 year old boy that could not even execute a single push-up to a martial artist that by age 16 my father could no longer abuse with impunity. It would be 17 more years before I could come out as an openly gay man in 1983. I lost my virginity the same year. 20 years after that after seeing a psychologist for two and a half years I learned to not hate myself from my Catholic upbringing and began to even realize I could love myself. Fuck religion. I will only say there were a number of Catholic and Baptist boys that found themselves in the emergency room when they thought they were going to harm me, for being "different".

I never grew up being happy because I grew up alone denied any companionship and ostracized by both my school and my family and even my age peer group.

 

OH wow Rickey, what a sad story. I can identify with growing up alone and unhappy. Writing that poem made me reflect on my life. I spent the first 40 years living a lie and the next 40 years feeling guilty and ashamed. I wanted to pass on my life story only to let people understand that I was wrong and that we should strive to find happiness in the midst of adversity. I love your comment about martial arts and people ending up in the emergency ward. I wish I had done that; maybe all gay kids should do some martial arts training. One thing I'm curious - you say that 'However my parents aunts and uncles knew what I was and they were either Baptist or Catholic.'How can this be? What were you doing that made them think this way?

Thnx for responding. I've heard from a lot of guys who also had bad upbringings, so we're not alone.

 my parents aunts and uncles knew that I was a sissy at age 5 because I loved fingernail and toenail polish and open toe sandals. I walked like a sissy on the balls of both feet my hands were out from either side kind of like I was balancing on a Wire and then when I spoke I always use my hands to their way of thinking excessively to express myself while I'm talking. I had two girl cousins that enjoyed putting makeup on me and I loved how I looked with the makeup on. So yes I was indeed a sissy but I had no idea what homosexuality was all about even though a couple of years earlier I was severely molested. Those in the family that knew about it limited knowledge to a total of 3 people.

15 hours ago, Ricky_writer said:

 my parents aunts and uncles knew that I was a sissy at age 5 because I loved fingernail and toenail polish and open toe sandals. I walked like a sissy on the balls of both feet my hands were out from either side kind of like I was balancing on a Wire and then when I spoke I always use my hands to their way of thinking excessively to express myself while I'm talking. I had two girl cousins that enjoyed putting makeup on me and I loved how I looked with the makeup on. So yes I was indeed a sissy but I had no idea what homosexuality was all about even though a couple of years earlier I was severely molested. Those in the family that knew about it limited knowledge to a total of 3 people.

Well as kids we all like to dress up .  .  . I can remember trying on my mothers shoes and dressing up as Robin Hood or some such hero. I'm really sorry to hear that you were molested. It's an awful experience - one that is very very hard to forget. I hope you haven't been left with too much of a trauma. When it happened to me I felt ashamed and guilty - thought it was my fault. The memory never goes away. Thanx for sharing

A generation younger and while your story and mine, in terms of our own life journeys are similar (confusion, marriage, children, divorce, coming out) i did not have to suffer the torture and torments of society. For the most part my friends remained my friends, my family remained my family. I write this not to down play the hideousness of what you went through, but to show that perhaps over time (albeit too long a time) things are improving. I was inwardly thrilled when my eldest came home from his first fortnight at senior school ( mid/late 1990s) to say that the captain of the school 1st 18 aussie rules team was gay. So another generation on and another small, step towards enlightenment.

Thank you for sharing.

Thnx for your comment. There are times when the guilt about the pain I caused to family etc. surfaces. I have to keep reminding myself that society, not me, is to blame. I've actually written a poem about the Inn riots which I'm about to post. On another issue, I love Aussie Rules but unfortunately support the Swans. I still retain fond memories of the 2005 grand final. I was further  enthralled when Jason Ball came out which has opened the door to many gay aussie rules players.