Oh, the Humanity! - 1. Chapter 1

Verhun rolled his middle eye as the other two orbs narrowed. He exhaled a puff of smoke and twitched his tail. “Humans aren’t real. They’re just a story our parents made up so we’ll misbehave.”

Gorlach stomped a cloven hoof and crossed his arms. “They are too. My dad says they’re hideous. They have to cover themselves in cloth because they don’t have scales or fur. If you touch them too hard, they practically explode.”

“Eewww! Gross!” Drogar’s scales faded from bright blue to pale green. He hugged his wings around his head until just his eyeballs peered out from the top of his eye stalks.

Gorlach laughed and reached into his backpack. He looked around the small cavern where the three friends sat, forming a lopsided triangle. “You can’t tell anyone about this. Promise me.”

Verhun snorted and fire spewed from his nostrils, stopping just short of Gorlach. The goat-boy scowled.

“Knock it off! If anything happens to this, my dad will send me to the humans!”

“Well what the heaven is it?” Verhun sat back on his haunches and stared at Gorlach, who pulled a rectangular board wrapped in black leather out of his pack. He set it on a flat, table-like rock in the middle of the room and unwrapped it.

“It’s called a Ouija board. My dad says that humans use it to summon us or to talk to the dead.”

Drogar shivered and lowered his eye stalks so his wings covered his eyes and his head. “I don’t want to hear about this!” he said, his voice muffled.

“And I suppose you also think that a human will appear and try to possess you if you look in the water and say ‘Pretty Peggy’ three times.” Verhun rolled all three of his eyes.

“How do you know she won’t? Besides, the enemy of one of my dad’s enemies’ enemy was possessed by a human once,” Gorlach stated.

“Oh really? And how, exactly, did that happen?”

“He was on patrol in the outer lands and came across a breach in the barrier between worlds. It happens once a year, on what the humans call Halloween. On that night, humans and demons can enter each other’s worlds. Well, a human entered our world, so the demon ate him. He was never the same after that. He started planting gardens, and eating vegetables. He even—” Gorlach shuddered. “—started writing poetry!”

Drogar raised one of his eye stalks and directed his gaze on the now-silent Gorlach. “Can we stop talking about humans, please? I thought we were going to work on our torture homework?”

“Torture is boring. This is much more exciting. You do know that tonight is Halloween, right? The perfect time for summoning a human.”

Verhun laughed and fire burst from his mouth with each breath. “Summoning a human! You’re a real solartic, you know that, Gor?”

“What the God’s going on in here?” a loud voice thundered through the small cavern, causing a small shower of dirt to rain down on the trio.

Gorlach’s eyes widened and he grabbed for the Ouija board. Before he could reach it, Drogar hopped onto the table and covered it with his wings and his ample bulk. He allowed one eye stalk to peer out of his self-made cocoon as the formidable presence of Gorlach’s father entered the room.

“It’s too quiet in here, Gorlach. I thought you were going to practice your torture homework? I should be hearing screams coming from here. You must be up to some good since I haven’t heard a thing.”

“We are practicing, Dad!” Gorlach pointed to the trembling blue mass occupying his desk. “Why do you think he’s so scared of us?”

The adult demon leaned his large frame over the cowering Drogar until his horns almost touched the quivering azure wings and his hot breath forced Drogar to close his exposed eye and retract his eye stalk. He snorted in derision. “You better demon up, son. You’ll never make it in the torture division. You’re going to end up behind a desk in infernal affairs instead!” His large, cloven hooves produced echoes throughout the small chamber as he strode toward the exit. “I better hear some screams coming from here, or you’ll all be in trouble!”

Drogar flattened himself against the cold stone. “My dad works for the department of infernal affairs,” he muttered. “Nothing wrong with that.”

Gorlach exhaled. “Quick thinking, Dro. He’d have sent me to heaven if he caught me with that board.”

Drogar folded his wings behind his back and swiveled two of his eye stalks to look at both of his friends. “What are we going to do now?”

Gorlach reached into his pack and held up another item. “I found this thing in my dad’s closet too. You can record your voice. Listen.” He pressed a button on the silver-colored, rectangular object. Loud screams echoed throughout the cavern, causing both Verhun and Gorlach to jump.

“What is that?” Verhun stared at the now-silent object in Gorlach’s clutch.

Gorlach shrugged. “No idea, but it should keep my dad off our backs while we try this Ouija thing.”

Verhun and Drogar looked at each other, then at Gorlach, with big, toothy grins on their faces.

“So let’s get started, then!” Verhun rubbed his paws together.

“I thought you didn’t believe in humans.” Gorlach snickered.

“I don’t. It will be fun proving you wrong.”

“All right. We need to gather around the table. Drogar, it would be helpful if you’d get your fat ass off the board.”

Drogar’s scales flashed bright red as he hopped off the table and onto the floor.

“Ver, put that sound thingy near the door and turn it on so my dad thinks we’re torturing Dro.” Gorlach put a triangular object on top of the board as screams reverberated around them. “Perfect! Now, we each put a claw on this, then one of us asks questions to try and summon a human. Verhun, I think you should ask the questions, since you’re so skeptical.”

“Me? I don’t know what to ask!”

“You’re smart. You’ll think of something.”

“Then what?” Drogar asked.

“If the humans respond, then the triangle thing will move and point to letters, spelling out a word.”

“How will we know it’s not one of us moving the pointer?” Verhun narrowed his eyes. “This is stupid.”

“Oh shut up and just try it, will ya?” Gorlach placed his brown pointer finger lightly on the object, followed by Drogar’s now-blue finger, and Verhun’s red. “Well… ask it something!”

Verhun scowled. “I don’t know what to ask!”

“Just ask if there are any humans here or something,” Drogar said.

Verhun exhaled a puff of smoke. “Oh great Ouija board… are there any humans present?” he intoned dramatically.

The only response was a blood-curdling scream from the tape recorder by the door.

“Don’t be a smartass. Maybe they don’t like that,” Drogar suggested.

“Fine.” Verhun cleared his throat. “If there are any humans here… give us a sign.”

The pointer moved to the word ‘yes’, producing gasps from all three participants.

“You guys moved it!” Verhun yelled. “There’s no such thing as humans!” His eyes widened and his hand trembled.

“I didn’t move it!” Drogar said.

“Neither did I.” Gorlach raised his hand slightly above the pointer.

“Guys… I don’t like this.” Drogar whined and hid behind his wings. “Stop moving it!”

“Oh would you knock it off? You’re worse than a sniveling thrall.” Gorlach sneered. “Ask another question, Ver.”

They all replaced their claws on the pointer and stared at it intently.

“What is your name?” Verhun asked.

The pointer moved from letter to letter until it spelled J-o-n-a-t-h-a-n.

“Joe-nae-tin? What kind of name is that?” Drogar asked.

Verhun’s eyes widened. “A human name.”

They all jumped as an ear-splitting scream echoed throughout the cavern. Gorlach rolled on the floor, laughing. “It’s just the recording! Demon! You should have seen the looks on your faces!”

Verhun scowled. “Yeah, well it was the same look on your face!”

“Can we practice our torture homework now?” Drogar asked.

“Nope. C’mon. Ask another question.” Gorlach sat up and, once again, they all placed their hands on the pointer.

“All right, Joe-ni-tan. If you’re really here, give us a sign.” Verhun’s right eye looked to the right, left eye to the left, and his middle eye looked upward.

“It’s pronounced ‘Jonathan’.”

Drogar and Verhun wheeled and jumped to Gorlach’s side. Drogar’s scales flashed dark purple and blue flame shot from his mouth toward the door, mixing with Verhun’s bright red flame.

“Hey! Knock it off! You’re going to roast me!” the new arrival cried.

“Oh my Lucifer… it’s a human!” Verhun’s three eyes stared at the small boy while his mouth gaped wide open.

Drogar yelped and flopped onto his back, all four legs in the air, and his wings stretched limply out to the side.

“What the heaven are you doing, you freak?” Gorlach kicked Drogar’s fleshy side. “Get up!”

Drogar swiveled an eyestalk to look at Gorlach. “I heard you’re supposed to pretend you’re dead if you see a human. Then they won’t eat you.”

Gorlach rolled his eyes. “It’s the three of us against one of them. Do you really think it’s going to eat you?”

Drogar aimed another eyestalk at the human. “Yeah. I suppose you’re right.” He flipped back onto his feet and sat, trembling.

Verhun looked at Gorlach, who seemed awfully calm for someone who just had a human appear out of thin air in his bedroom. He narrowed his eyes as a suspicious thought occurred to him. “Humans aren’t real,” he stated, then walked over to the boy, who stood frozen, staring at the young demons with his eyes wide open. Verhun sniffed him from head to toe in one giant inhale, then poked Jonathan’s arm with a clawed finger. An angry red welt appeared as blood oozed from the wound and dripped down his arm and onto the cavern floor.

“Ow! Please don’t kill me!” Jonathan wailed and sobbed as he backed away from the little red demon.

Verhun ran back to his friends. “His blood is red! Who the heaven has red blood?” He scowled at Gorlach. “What are you trying to pull? Humans aren’t real, I tell you. They’re not!”

Jonathan sat on the floor, holding his bleeding arm and crying uncontrollably. Drogar swiveled his eye stalks between the distraught human and his bickering friends and his whole body shook until he opened his mouth wide and let out a keening cry that shook the whole cavern. Jonathan stopped crying and added his own screams that rivaled the pale blue demon’s.

Gorlach put his hands over his ears. “Stop it! Would both of you shut the devil up!”

Drogar and Jonathan stopped shrieking. Verhun crossed his arms and stared at Gorlach. “Start explaining.”

“Explaining what?”

“Oh don’t act so eviler than thou. Who is this, and how’d you get his costume to look so real?” Verhun gestured toward the trembling human.

“It’s not a costume. It’s a real human,” Gorlach said.

Verhun narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m telling the truth! I looked up a summoning spell and cast it right before you guys got here. I can’t believe it worked!” Gorlach rubbed his hands together and grinned.

“So you’re telling me that this is an actual human?”

Gorlach nodded. “Yup.”

“Is… is… is one of you named ‘Gorlach’?” the boy asked.

Verhun and Drogar trained all eight of their collective eyes on the horned goat-boy. Gorlach’s brown face turned pale white.

“Uh… I’m Gorlach.” He raised a clawed hand.

Verhun narrowed his eyes. “How does it know your name?”

“Um… well… you see… um… lucky guess?”

“Or maybe it’s not really a human,” Verhun stated.

“What the heaven else would it be?” Gorlach snorted.

“A trick?” Verhun puffed a cloud of smoke. “I’m not that stupid, you know.”

“Well that’s up for debate. I’m just as surprised as you guys, you know.”

“Then why aren’t you acting like it?”

“Remember rule number one from torture class? Never show fear. Guess I’m better at it than you two cowards,” Gorlach stated.

“Torture class?” Jonathan swallowed. “You’re not going to… torture… me are you? I thought you were my friend, Gorlach!”

“Friends? With a human?” Verhun snorted a puff of black smoke.

“Oh, so now you believe it’s a human?” Gorlach smirked.

Verhun shrugged. “Maybe.”

“We’ve been ‘talking’ through the Ouija board all week. At first, I thought it was my friends pulling a prank. Now I’m not so sure. Where the hell am I?” the boy asked.

“All week, huh?” Verhun took a step toward his sheepish friend.

“Yes,” said Drogar. “You are in Hell.”

The boy’s eyes widened. “You’re joking. Ben! Aiden! This isn’t funny anymore!” He looked at the three demons and gulped. “One minute I was sitting on the floor in my room with my friends, using the Ouija board, then the air got all wavy and the lights went out. Next thing I know, I’m standing here looking at two dragons and a goat!”

“Dragons?” Verhun’s eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms. “We are not dragons! We’re demons!”

“And I’m not a goat! I’m a satyr!” Gorlach stomped his hoof.

Verhun roared with laughter and bright red flames shot over Gorlach’s head as he ducked. “That’s a good one, faun!”

“Well sorry. I have no idea what you are. I’ve never seen anything like you before!”

“Yeah, well, we haven’t seen anything like you before, either,” Verhun retorted.

Drogar slowly crept toward the human, keeping his body low to the ground. The boy backed away from the advancing beast until he hit the cavern wall. He jumped when the tape recorder produced another blood-curdling scream, adding his own terrified shriek to the mix.

Drogar stopped and cocked his head to the side. “Why are you screaming?”

“Um… because I’m in Hell?”

Drogar huffed. “Well that’s no reason to make such a fuss.”

“Who… who’s screaming like that?” Jonathan asked.

Drogar hopped forward a couple of steps, picked up the tape recorder, and held it up. “It’s this thing. We put it near the door so Gor’s dad would think we’re working on our torture homework instead of using the Ouija board.”

The boy’s eyes widened and he swallowed. “Torture homework?”

“If I get another A, my dad is going to send me to heaven.” Drogar took another step toward the cowering boy. The boy tried to move, but he was stuck in a dip in the cavern’s wall. Drogar reached a clawed hand toward the human.

“Dro! Stop! Don’t touch him! He might explode!” yelled Gorlach.

Drogar snatched his paw back, then leaned forward and sniffed Jonathan. He flicked his tongue out and licked his arm.

“Eeeeew! What are you doing?”

Drogar’s scales turned bright red. “I just wanted to see what you tasted like.”

“Well, don’t!”

“Back off, Dro. Remember what happens if you eat a human?” Gorlach reminded him.

“Oh yeah! Yuck! I hate vegetables!” Drogar scurried back to his friends.

“Me too,” the boy said. “Especially peas.” He scrunched his face. “Yuck. But what do vegetables have to do with eating humans?”

“The enemy of one of my dad’s enemies’ enemy ate a human once. He was never the same after that. He started acting like a human. All he ate was vegetables, and he wrote all these stupid poems about love.” Gorlach grimaced.

Jonathan laughed. “Well if it makes you feel any better, I don’t know anyone who acts like that.”

Gorlach frowned. “What do you mean?”

“The only people who eat just veggies are vegetable-tarians. The rest of us eat meat, too.”

Drogar licked the drool off his mouth. “I love meat. A nice, raw fireschwein shank is my favorite.”

“I like steak. Not raw though. That’s disgusting.” Jonathan scrunched his face.

“How do you eat it, then?” Verhun asked.

“We cook it.”

“Cooked meat? Like over a fire?” Drogar’s scales turned pale green. “How can you ruin good food like that?”

“I’d get sick if I ate it raw. Besides, it tastes a lot better cooked.”

“I’m glad I’m not a human, then. I don’t think I could live if I had to eat cooked food,” Drogar stated.

“Me either,” Verhun replied. “Wow… I can’t believe humans are real! I always thought they were a story adults made up so we’d misbehave.”

“And I thought demons were just a story to scare us into going to church!”

Drogar hopped up and down and wagged his tail, sending Gorlach flying across the room. “Humans aren’t scary at all! They’re actually kind of cute.” Drogar’s scales flushed bright pink.

“Oh my devil, Dro! Get ahold of yourself! Don’t let anyone hear you talk like that, or they’ll ship you off to the solartic asylum.” Gorlach scowled and dusted off his furry legs.

Drogar turned dark red and curled his tail into his side, then folded his wings. “Sorry, Gor.”

“Jonathan? Jonathan, where are you?”

“Ben? Can you hear me?” Jonathan turned around, trying to locate the source of the sound.

A large circle of shimmering air appeared in the middle of the cavern. The four occupants of the small room shivered as the temperature dropped.

“Yeah, we can hear you. What’s going on? Where the hell are you?”

“Exactly!” Jonathan exclaimed.

“What?”

“You won’t believe me when I tell you!” Jonathan looked at the three demons. “This has been fun, but I better get back now.”

“Maybe you can come back next Halloween?” Gorlach suggested.

“That’d be awesome! Maybe I can get Ben and Aiden to come too!” Jonathan waved. “Bye guys!” He stepped into the shimmering air and disappeared.

The three young demons stared at the empty space for several minutes in silence.

“I can’t believe you licked him, Dro,” Gorlach said.

“Yeah, well, I was going to eat him, but he tasted gross.”

“Yeah, right. C’mon. We better mess up this room before I get into trouble. My dad will never let me have another sleepover again.”

Verhun and Drogar grumbled, but set to untidying Gorlach’s room.